A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

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EPISODE ELEVEN
October 4, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kind of ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, so kind of that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh, t-shirts, and uh, clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

KIRK: Hey everyone, welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
MIKE: What men really say about women.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And thank you so much for joining us.
MIKE: Yes, thank you.
KIRK: Hey Mike, I gotta ask you something. Do girls know something that we don’t know?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: I mean, they don’t right?
MIKE: Is there more to that question? I think that one’s a pretty easy answer.
KIRK: This is kind of a weird one, but I live on this street, and at the end of this street, there’s this really nice restaurant. I walk my dog around the neighborhood, you know, at eleven o’clock at night sometimes, and all of a sudden, I see this girl like dressed up in high heels walking down the middle of the street coming back from the restaurant. And I’m thinking…
MIKE: Literally in the middle of the street?
KIRK: The very middle of the street, okay?
MIKE: Is it a well lit area?
KIRK: Okay, it’s pretty…the middle of the street is well-lit.
MIKE: Okay, if I’m a woman walking by myself dolled up, I’d probably feel safer in the middle of the street than on a sidewalk.
KIRK: That’s so funny because I feel the exactly opposite.
MIKE: Well, it’s a good thing we’re not women.
KIRK: No, I mean, think about it. When you’re walking down the middle of the street and it’s bright lights and everything and you have your high heels click click clicking on the pavement, you’re just saying “Target.” I mean, when you see the rangers or navy seals, do you think they walk in the street? No, they walk in the shadows.
MIKE: Yeah, they’re rangers and navy seals are higher professional trained and they’re not afraid of anything. If I’m a woman in high heels, I’m walking on a dark sidewalk where I could trip or fall or somebody could jump out and get me, I’d be…
KIRK: But you’re more visible. They can see you coming down the street for like hundreds of yards whereas if you’re walking in the shadows down the sides, they can’t see you. If I were a girl, you know what I would do? I would get those little black shoes that the dancers wear, they’re like little leather shoes that dancers wear, they’re flats and they’re almost like little slippers.
MIKE: Yeah, I know what you’re talking about.
KIRK: Put them in your purse and then you just you know stick those on if you’re going to make a long walk to the car if that’s where they’re going.
MIKE: That’s what you’d be doing?
KIRK: But I wouldn’t be walking in the middle of the street saying “Target, target.” But you would. That’s so weird.
MIKE: I would, but I’m not thinking, “Target, target.” I’m thinking it’s probably safer, and if I see a car coming, I go off to the sidewalk.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah, I like to see where I’m going. I mean, I just walked up here tonight, and they don’t light these streets very well.
KIRK: Well I’m like, I guess I’m way more stealthy because you know what? I always think that if there’s a burglar or if I ever hear anything at night, first thing I do is turn off all the lights in the house. You know why? Because then they can’t see me. They don’t know where I am. They don’t know where I’m looking. But I can see out because I have the vantage point.
MIKE: You know what? I’ve walked on dark sidewalks too many times. Not in ballerina shoes or slippers but just in gym shoes, and like, when it’s dark, there’s cracks in the sidewalk where, you know, the pavement’s uneven and they end up tripping over it.
KIRK: Okay, so you’re saying they’re walking in the middle of the street for the light so that they don’t trip, not so that they’re avoiding predators.
MIKE: Personally, I understand what you’re saying about it being safer when you’re in the dark, like a navy seal, but I also feel like…
KIRK: You’re such a pussy man.
MIKE: Totally.
KIRK: You gotta go stealth.
MIKE: Yeah, no, I.
KIRK: Alright, so we gotta go to our women on the street segment where they ask a guy, and let’s hear the first question, hear what they have to say.
MIKE: Actually, I just came up with a new, I’d like to have a new introduction since we don’t really have an introduction for women on the street.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: Ready? It’s time for Ask a Guy!
KIRK: Dude, you’re freaking me out now. What the heck? You should see his face, he’s got these big wide eyes and everything. What’s going on Mike?
MIKE: Ask a Guy! I’m just trying to have a little fun before we talk to the ladies.
KIRK: Alright, well here we go, let’s roll this one.
MIKE: Alrighty.

–ASK A GUY–

SHELBY: Hi guys, I’m Shelby. So I never know how dressed up to get on a first date. If I know that he’s going to dress down casually, should I get dressed up or should I dress casual?
KIRK: Okay, wow, what do you think about that?
MIKE: Well you know what? I’m usually a jeans and button down type of guy, or jeans and T-shirt. And I kind of suck because women I go out with, I’m kind of a bad guy, because women I go out with will call me up and say, “What should I wear? Is everyone getting all dressed up?” And again, dressed up to me is nice jeans and a nice button down.
KIRK: So like your date calls you and says, “What should I wear?”
MIKE: Yeah. That happens all the time.
KIRK: That’s a good question.
MIKE: You know, I went out with Jenny a couple nights ago to this nice Italian restaurant when a buddy of mine’s parents were in town. And she was just like, “Well, should I get really dressed up?” and I was just like, “I don’t know what really dressed up means.” And you know this isn’t a first date but we’re going to a pretty nice restaurant but you don’t have to wear a tie. And she comes out and she’s just wearing this smoking hot red dress and hair’s done up perfect and she’s got a flower in her hair, and definitely when you walk in, you’re just like “Whoa,” and then I felt underdressed.
KIRK: I mean, did you feel underdressed in a bad way?
MIKE: I don’t know if she was overdressed.
KIRK: She was dressed appropriately?
MIKE: She was dressed appropriately. I mean, you could have dressed like this or you could have dressed like me, but she clearly looked like she was probably not with me and probably with a guy that’s wearing slacks and a nice shirt tucked in, belt on, you know, that kind of a look.
KIRK: Yeah, yeah. Well let me ask you this. She comes in in this great dress and she was way more dressed up than you were, right? So the question is, did you like that? Did you prefer her more dressed up or would you have preferred her more casual?
MIKE: You know what? That’s a great question. I liked it. I mean, she was smoking hot.
KIRK: You liked it?
MIKE: I liked it. She looks pretty good in regular, I mean, she looks great regularly. When she gets dolled up, she’s smoking hotter. So I liked it, I liked it a lot.
KIRK: Because my first impression would be, of course they should always dress up. You can never be wrong being overdressed. I don’t understand why women. Like Pamela sometimes says, “Oh I was overdressed.” I don’t understand that. It’s like, you look great, you look beautiful, you look amazing, and you look sexy. So why are you…? It’s not overdressed, it’s that the other people don’t have the class that you have.
MIKE: That’s a great point Kirk. You’re right.
KIRK: Especially on a first date. You can never go wrong with like going all out. Not go crazy but you know, definitely don’t worry about being overdressed.
MIKE: I agree with you.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: No, I agree with you 100%.
KIRK: And if the guy is kind of too casual, then maybe that’s a good sign. The woman can give him a sign like, “Hey buddy, I’m pretty hot. You better you know take care of me and pay attention to me.”
MIKE: What are you saying? Now I gotta start dressing up?
KIRK: I’m saying maybe on the first date, it’s a good way to set the rules of like how you want it to be. She wants respect. She wants to have respect. She wants to have you attracted to her, and she would probably expect the same thing in reverse. And by the way, one thing I noticed is that when you go to a wedding or a funeral and you’re a guy, you just gotta wear a tie. I mean, I’m sorry man. You just gotta wear a tie out of respect for everybody. And when I go to a wedding, I see so many people that don’t do that. And I just think that’s tacky. I mean, if you’re wearing a sweater, that’s a different thing if you have a nice sweater. But if you don’t have a nice sweater, then you have to wear a tie. And I just don’t get why people don’t do that.
MIKE: Yeah, I’m with you on that, and I don’t like wearing ties. In fact, I had to go to a funeral about a month ago, but I had to borrow a tie and I wasn’t about to go to this without a tie, and I agree with you.
KIRK: Well, good for you. Well that was a good question.
MIKE: Yeah, you want to try another one? Let’s hear what they got to say.
KIRK: Okay, let’s roll.

DEBBIE: Hey guys, this is Debbie. What is it about guys that they need to be mothered by their girlfriends? I can’t stand being my boyfriend’s mom. Help me out guys.
KIRK: Alright, well, what do you think Mike? Do you think guys need their women to mother them?
MIKE: No, I think women end up or want to mother their guys.
KIRK: Really? So you think the women want to?
MIKE: Yes, feminists, close your ears. Open them up, sisters. Here’s how it’s going down.
KIRK: So, okay. I swear to God, like this is embarrassing but sometimes I feel like I need a mother. Like you know, if I’m sick for example, and I’m like, “Ugh, honey, can you get me some water?” You know what I mean?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: Where I could get up, if I were single and living in an apartment, I would get up on my own arse and go in there and get my water but because I’m sick, I play the sick card you know? Like I need my mother?
KIRK: But because I’m sick, I play the card you know, like I need my mother.
MIKE: But I think women love that. I think women jump on that before guys do.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Absolutely, absolutely. I’ve been mothered by girlfriends and I’ve actually had to tell them.
KIRK: Is it the maternal thing kicking in?
MIKE: Yeah, I’ve actually had to tell them, “You know what, listen, seriously, I don’t need another mother.” This has happened more than once.
KIRK: Are you serious? You would say that?
MIKE: Yeah, I’ve said this a couple times.
KIRK: Wow, I would never say that.
MIKE: Yeah, I mean.
KIRK: I wouldn’t say that. I’d be like, “Okay, sure.”
MIKE: I mean, I think I’ve definitely had girls where I’ve dated that end up trying to be my mom.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Trying to tell me what to do.
KIRK: Like what would they say?
MIKE: Pick up your shoes and put them away.
KIRK: Oh, so that’s like a nag thing.
MIKE: No, I guess for me is I don’t feel like I need my woman to bother me.
KIRK: Right, but here, let me ask you this question. What about when girls give you fashion sense or fashion advice? Like when you’re shopping with a girl. First of all, do you ever shop with a girl?
MIKE: Yes, but not often. Oddly enough, with Jenny, I go shopping with her. I pick up stuff for her to wear and she loves it.
KIRK: Yeah, I bet she does.
MIKE: And I’m being…I’m not talking…anything she picks out for the bedroom, she does on her own. But regular jeans and stuff? You know, I tell her what looks good on her ass and stuff like that. She digs it man.
KIRK: And she likes it when you give her the feedback?
MIKE: I, actually yeah, I have a pretty good fashion sense even though you wouldn’t guess it by what I’m wearing today.
KIRK: So what about when she does it to you though, like “Hey, Mike, you should get this kind of a shirt” or “You should do that with your hair” or whatever. What do you think about that?
MIKE: I got no problem with it. If it’s something that, you know, makes me feel comfortable, I’ll do it. I got no problem with it. How about you?
KIRK: Yeah.  It’s interesting because I was always resistant to it.
MIKE: Why’s that?
KIRK: I don’t know. It was just like, “Don’t tell me what to wear, bitch.” You know?
MIKE: “What are you, my mother?”
KIRK: Yeah. “What are you, my motha?” But I was always resistant, but Pamela started bringing clothes home for me, and she’ll be like, “Hey, I just picked it up. If you don’t like it, I’ll take it back.” So I wear it to work. It’s like some sweater or you know, whatever, some pants, and people are all day long going, “Wow, that is the coolest sweater,” or like “Wow, I love that. It looks awesome on you.” And then I started thinking, “Hey, that’s pretty good.” You know?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: It’s just funny, and so now I like it. She’s my svengali.
MIKE: I think that’s great. If someone wants to come to my place and buy me clothes that look cool, I’m all for it.
KIRK: You’d go for that?
MIKE: Yeah, I got no problem with that.
KIRK: Alright, well look, let’s go to one more question.

TINA: Hey guys. I’m Tina, and I’m an executive at a big corporation. I’d like to think that I’m reasonably attractive, but whenever I date, as soon as the guy figures out I have money, they kind of disappear. Are guys too intimidated to date me because I make decent money?
MIKE: So, Kirk, wow, that’s an interesting question, huh?
KIRK: Yeah, I’m going to venture a guess that most men would be intimidated by a woman who earns substantially more than they do.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: Or who like has a substantially more prestigious job.
MIKE: I would agree with you. If you’re making 100 grand a year which is a good living, but your wife’s pulling in a million a year, just from like a mental state of how you’ve been raised that men should be making more.
KIRK: I know, isn’t that weird?
MIKE: It is weird, because it shouldn’t really matter.
KIRK: Yeah. What about if a woman drives you around in a car?
MIKE: I’m all for that actually.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Well, I’ll be honest with you. I don’t like to drive. I’m a guy who doesn’t like to drive.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: If I can…I park my car on the weekends. I walk everywhere. When I don’t have to be driving, I’d rather not drive.
KIRK: Are you afraid of driving?
MIKE: Uh, I’m not a very good driver.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Candid, aren’t you?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean no guy wants to brag about how they’re not a good driver. I’ve over time realized, I don’t know if it’s a confidence thing, it’s a lack of interest thing. I have trouble, you know, a little bit seeing at night thinking people are walking in the street when they’re not.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: You know, like they’re going to dart in when I’m driving or people are braking sooner.
KIRK: Wow, Mike.
MIKE: Yeah, so driving for me is more of a chore than it is a relaxation thing. If I could have a woman or a guy or anybody drive me anywhere, I would be all for it.
KIRK: What if it’s a small car and teh woman’s driving and you’re sitting in the passenger’s seat?
MIKE: Yeah, I got no problem with that either.
KIRK: It doesn’t do anything with your masculinity?
MIKE: No, not at all.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: No. I got a big dick so I’m not worried about the size of the car.
KIRK: Oh let’s see that thing. No, I’m just kidding.
MIKE: No, I’m kidding. Well, no I’m not, but…
KIRK: It’s funny. I can handle a woman driving me around certain places.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: But other places I can’t. And also like the small car thing. I’m a big guy. I’m 6′3”. And when I’m sitting in a small car with Pamela driving, or even worse yet, when I’m sitting in the back seat…when I’m sitting in the back seat with the kid in the carseat and she’s driving us around, which happens pretty frequently cuz the kid wants to sit by Daddy you know? I call him the kid. But you know, he’ll sit there, and he’ll want to play games with me in the back seat or whatever, and she drives us around. And then you pull up next to a big monster truck. And I gotta tell you, it takes a big ding on my ego. It really does.
MIKE: I can see that.
KIRK: I swallow it because of the anonymity. I don’t know who these guys are, and so it’s like, whatever, you know, I can handle it. The guy in the monster truck.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: But I gotta tell you, it is pretty…it’s a pretty funny feeling, you know? And then certain things, like if we were going somewhere to meet people for the first time…
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: I would just feel funny about that. Is that too sexist or whatever?
MIKE: No, not at all. I think most guys would agree with you. I think I’m in the minority because I’ll tell you, I just went to meet Jenny’s dad and step-mom, and my roommate was making fun of me because Jenny picked me up, and she drove me down there. And I didn’t even think twice about it.
KIRK: You didn’t. Didn’t have a thought about it?
MIKE: I didn’t. Didn’t bat an eye to it like I should be the guy driving.
KIRK: Wow. Here’s one, and then do you go around and open her door so she can get in and drive you?
MIKE: No, but she opens the door for me so it all works out.
KIRK: She does?
MIKE: No, I’m kidding.
KIRK: No, dude, that would be crossing the line.
MIKE: That would be crossing the line.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah. I usually am upfront about “Hey I don’t like to drive” and “I got a roommate.” Those are two things…
KIRK: Well that’s pretty good. I’m glad you’re honest about it.
MIKE: I mean, those are things that could be a dealbreaker for a lot of women.
KIRK: That’s funny. I’ll tell you one thing, I’m a bad ass driver. I’m like a hardcore bad ass driver. I got road rage. Whenever I get a rental car, I get the 9 dollar insurance. I jump that fucker. I just slide car. I mean, I just love it. I pretend like I’m a stunt driver every time I get in the car almost except when my family’s with me.
MIKE: That is funny.
KIRK: I know. Like anytime there’s a dirt patch, I’m sliding the car.
MIKE: That is funny, Kirk.
KIRK: I just, I love that rush, feeling on the edge. You know, in high school and college, we used to do this thing called spiking a car. And what you do is everyone pitches in. You know how you guys pitch in and get a stripper? Well we’d pitch in and get a car, right? And everyone pitches in to get a car. You get a car, and I’m talking about a $450 car.
MIKE: You guys actually bought a car?
KIRK: Yeah, you buy a car, and then…we did this a couple times. And then you take a sledgehammer and you bust out the windshields, and then everybody gets on crash helmets, and then you get like a twelve pack of beer, and you go driving on a country road and just running the shit. And when you’re all done, you just like drive a car off a cliff. And that’s called spiking a car. We got wild doing that, and it still stuck with me. I love that kind of stuff. Yeah, it’s just so fun.
MIKE: That’s fascinating. Fascinating.
KIRK: Yeah. Oh, here’s something interesting. Last night I went out to dinner with this guy that I hadn’t seen in a long time, a colleague, and you know, we talked about work and everything. So we went out to dinner, and after dinner we were walking up to the car, and like my habit is just to open up the door, so I went and reached to open the door, and he got in the passenger side. And then I just thought, wait, is that gay?
MIKE: You know what? That’s not gay.
KIRK: It’s not, right?
MIKE: It’s not.
KIRK: It’s just courteous.
MIKE: Right. And it’s also just force of habit. You’ve been doing it. I do that too. You hold the door open for a woman or if you’re running, do you hold the door open for a guy?
KIRK: I do actually. Do you?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. I do.
KIRK: I ran into this girl in the elevator, and she didn’t quite make it, so I held the door for her, right? And she said, “Oh thank you. No one does that for me anymore.” And I was so surprised. I just think that in terms of chivalry, I just think that it’s really common. I don’t know what she was talking about.
MIKE: And then once the door closed, she was a total bitch and talked your ear off and wonders why nobody does it for her?
KIRK: Yeah, exactly. No, but do you hold the elevator for the women or whatever?
MIKE: Yeah, absolutely.
KIRK: You do, right? I mean, I don’t know what these girls are talking about. I get emails all the time. Have you had those emails where they say like, “Is chivalry dead?” and stuff?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: I mean, right? What are they talking about?
MIKE: You know what’s weird is that sometimes I don’t hold the door open for Jenny and I don’t walk and open the car door for her, and then I feel bad and I end up apologizing. Like, “Hey, sorry,” so I feel like sometimes it’s overkill. You ever feel like that? If you’re going five different places and you keep opening the door for her?
KIRK: I do. It’s like, yeah, when you’re coming from somewhere or like you’re somewhere where you want her to feel good about it, but if you’re just running into…
MIKE: Yeah, you’re running a bunch of errands.
KIRK: Some little…you know, and I don’t think she expects it either.
MIKE: Right, right. I think so also. I think as far as our first segment with our new tag, Ask a Guy, that went pretty damn well. What do you think, Kirk?
KIRK: Dude, I don’t know if that tag’s gonna fly, man. I’m gonna, okay, we’re going to have to have Greg juice that up a little bit with some kind of effects or something.
MIKE: Greg, juice it up. A little, like, turntable action. Ask a Guy.
KIRK: Okay, we’ll let him do that.

–SEGMENT 2—

MIKE: That’s kind of funny. So yeah, those were great questions that were just asked. I love getting questions, Kirk.
KIRK: I know. It’s fun huh?
MIKE: And everything keeps growing with us. I mean, we just keep getting more and more really great questions, so please keep emailing us.
KIRK: And also, if you’re tech-savvy, you can send us an mp3 of your question, and that way we don’t have to find you with a microphone. So just send an mp3. Make sure it’s really small so it doesn’t jam up our email box, but go ahead and send an mp3 of your question.
MIKE: I’m sorry, Kirk, what was our email address again?
KIRK: It’s kirk@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com and…
MIKE: mike@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com
KIRK: Yeah. You know, the show’s called, A Fly on the Wall. There’s some confusion about it. It’s called A Fly in the Wall, but just for the search engines, we had to use whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. Aite?
MIKE: Aite.
KIRK: So, Mike, yeah, so I was looking at this magazine, and it had this picture of these two midgets, right? Girl midgets.
MIKE: Mmk?
KIRK: And they were strippers.
MIKE: Alright.
KIRK: So I guess my question for you is, would you do two midget strippers or like, what’s your line? What’s your threshold where you won’t go there any more?
MIKE: Kirk, I love your intro to this. I’m looking at a magazine and there’s a couple of midget strippers. What would you do, what wouldn’t you do? Um, I mean, have you seen midgets that are like hot?
KIRK: I’ve never seen midgets that are hot.
MIKE: I have seen two videos of two midgets that are hot.
KIRK: For real?
MIKE: For real.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: I mean, their features weren’t so great cuz they were a little squashed, but their helmets were…both of them were hot girls.
KIRK: Geez. Oh my God. That’s so funny. There’s a girl at my work, and I always pass her by. And you know I’m 6′3” and she’s a midget. But she’s a proportional one. She’s not a dwarf. And she walks by all the time, and I just tower over her. You know we pass on the corridor, and she really works hard to put it together, and she looks cute. You know, she definitely looks cute. I wouldn’t say she’s hot, but she definitely like works it. Like she has a fashion sense and you know, she’s just like a regular person who’s really small.
MIKE: Are you sure she’s a midget, not just a 6 year old?
KIRK: Well that’s what I think. I know. What I think is how does she buy clothes like that? She must go to like a…you know those Easter Sunday clothes for little girls? Like, she must buy their clothes.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: Like she must buy…
MIKE: I don’t know what Easter Sunday clothes is, but…
KIRK: Well you know how they buy…like for Easter Sunday, all the little girls dress up.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And they wear their best dress and everything? Well, this girl has to dress for…
MIKE: Oh I see.
KIRK: So like where else would you get tiny little outfits that are like nice looking and designer and stuff?
MIKE: You should tell her Monday through Friday she should come to work as a Catholic school girl. She could get one of those uniforms.
KIRK: Dude, that is. Oh.
MIKE: So, to answer your question, yeah I’d hook up with a midget.
KIRK: You would?
MIKE: Yeah, you wouldn’t?
KIRK: I wouldn’t.
MIKE: No? If you were a single guy?
KIRK: I just wouldn’t. I think there’s some things. It’s part of the chemistry thing. There’s some things that you got to have the chemistry for that, and maybe you would, like you personally would but I personally wouldn’t. Just like it’d be hard for me to date like a really tall chick, like a giant or something. I would just, I don’t know. I mean, would you date a girl with three fingers? Like, let’s say she…
MIKE: Total or on one hand?
KIRK: Let’s say total. Let’s say she has no arm on one…
MIKE: Oh Jesus Christ. I guess the biggest question would be not would you date them but would you be seen in public with them.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: God. So, I think Pam Anderson is hot, so say she looks like Pam Anderson but she’s missing an arm? She’s got three fingers?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: No.
KIRK: You wouldn’t do that one?
MIKE: Couldn’t do it.
KIRK: You wouldn’t?
MIKE: I couldn’t. I would have sex with her. I think I would have trouble dating her on a regular basis.
KIRK: Why, because of what other people would think?
MIKE: No, just because I like to do a lot of arts and crafts that require two hands and stuff. Yeah, this is going to sound shallow, but at least it’s honest.
KIRK: Look, for all your handicapped people out there, it’s just our taste. It’s like someone prefers brunette over blonde. I mean, I prefer a certain stature of women, so.
MIKE: Right. First of all, I think we should back up to midgets, which I think are called little people now.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: So we’re just talking about a subject that’s going to find out how shallow Kirk and Mike really are.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because I’ve never dated anybody that’s missing a limb. I don’t know. I guess sometimes I think to myself, or I have in the past, “God, I wonder if this girl would stay with me if I lost an arm or a leg.”
KIRK: Right. It could happen.
MIKE: Could happen. And then would I do the same?
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: And then clearly, on a night like tonight, I find out that I wouldn’t, that I’m that big of an asshole.
KIRK: Well maybe you would if you were already ingrained in the relationship and it was already started, you know? Maybe you already know the person, and it would just be another thing that…
MIKE: Very possible.
KIRK: To date someone right off the bat knowing that? Like, you wouldn’t do it. You wouldn’t date the Pamela Anderson without the arm and with three fingers, because, what’s the reason? Because of what other people would say or no?
MIKE: That’s a great question. I don’t know. You know what? I’ll tell you, I had an aunt who had only one leg, and she…you never would have guessed by the way that she carried about that she was missing a leg. And we’d play poker. We’d have a family poker game, and more than once, she’d take her leg off and throw it in the pot. And it was like a joke.
KIRK: For real?
MIKE: For real. So I mean, she was a lot of fun like that.
KIRK: Good for her, yeah. Okay, so what’s your threshold? What’s a no-go for you?
MIKE: I like limbs.
KIRK: Let’s say a girl is a Siamese twin.
MIKE: That’s not bad.
KIRK: And there’s two heads attached.
MIKE: Are there four boobs?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: That could be fun. There’s two things that are going on here. How shallow am I or how shallow are you. The question is, there are certain people that I would party behind closed doors with that I wouldn’t hang out with in public. Would you rather date the missing arm Pam Anderson or the midget dwarf little person?
KIRK: I would definitely take the Pam Anderson.
MIKE: Really?
KIRK: Yeah, what about you? You would take the dwarf little person?
MIKE: I think so.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: yeah.
KIRK: So you’d take. Would the little dwarf person be hot or just normal?
MIKE: I’m thinking kind of hot.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: Yeah. That’s what I’m thinking. I’m thinking Pam Anderson dwarf.
KIRK: I’d like about 6 of those.
MIKE: I’ll take 6 Pam Anderson dwarfs. To go.
KIRK: Yeah, and they could all do different actions on me. So maybe that magazine was the fantasy, you get all these, 6 or 7 Pam Andersons that are kind of tiny on you.
MIKE: That’s kind of hot if you think about it.
KIRK: But honestly, I would take the Pam Anderson without the arm or with the three fingers.
MIKE: Those dwarves really freak you out don’t they?
KIRK: They don’t freak me, the dwarves don’t freak me out.
MIKE: Right, it’s okay if they do.
KIRK: No, but I would just fit better with the Pam Anderson. Plus, like, she could still wear a hot skirt.
MIKE: So could the Pam Anderson dwarf.
KIRK: That’s true.
MIKE: She could be running in a girls red bathing suit.
KIRK: That’s true. So I guess we figured out who’s more superficial.
MIKE: No, I think we’re both probably in the same ballpark. Yes, we’re just talking about everything on this show, so please, no hard feelings to anybody.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And honestly if things don’t work out with Jenny and anybody knows a Pam Anderson dwarf, it’s mike@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com.
KIRK: Yeah, actually, like 6 of them. You could use about 6 of them.
MIKE: 6 would be nice.
KIRK: Oh boy. You guys. Thanks for joining us. It was a weird show.
MIKE: Thank you.
KIRK: And we’re really glad that you came onboard, and we’ll check in next time.
MIKE: Thanks so much. Bye.
KIRK: Bye.