A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

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Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE ONE

May 16, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

Welcome to A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–MAIN SHOW–

 

KIRK: Hey, welcome to A FLY ON THE WALL, what men really say about women. I’m here with Mike…

MIKE: Hello.

KIRK: And we’re going to be your hosts. It’s our inaugural, it’s our first podcast, let’s just put it that way.

MIKE: We’ve seen so many shows, heard so many radio talk shows about people’s opinions on women, and they’re all wrong. So Kirk and I decided it’s time for us to get together and give our opinions because we’re experts on the area.

KIRK: And it’s the one subject we love more than anything.

MIKE: It’s true, gives us a reason to hang out too.

KIRK: And we thought it’d be fun to talk about, you know, what excites us about women, what gets us pissed off about women, and all kinds of things like that.

MIKE: See, right there, the way you presented it, Kirk? Kirk, who’s already married (we’ll get more into that later), it was just such a nice way of putting it: what excites us about women.

KIRK: No, but I was saying it in a lustful way…what excites us…

MIKE: It just sounded so nice, the girls across America will listen to that and go, “Wow, that guy that cares.”  

KIRK: We’re gonna just get into it and hope that you guys will bear with us. We’ve never done radio, so you may notice that the recordings get better with each time as we work out the bugs.

MIKE: Yeah the truth is, we just wanna have a lot of fun, and hopefully our point of view is interesting enough that you’ll want to come back and listen to it. Let’s go ahead and talk about how we met first and where we are. And I’ll go ahead and start. I’m actually from the Midwest and I’ve been out in California for little over ten years now. Kirk was one of the first people I met when I moved out here. And go ahead, Kirk.

KIRK: And we’re in LA. It’s funny cuz we’re total opposites. And we always joke about it too. You know, Mike, I always call him the football-watching, beer-drinking, frat boy girl-magnet type of guy.

MIKE: Hey, you called me a girl magnet? Thank you, I didn’t know that!

KIRK: You’re pretty handsome and, I mean, chicks just rush up to you. I went to your birthday party down at that Irish joint on the west side, and you know, it was just amazing to see all those girls come up to you, and you already had a hot chick on your arm at the time too.

MIKE: Yeah, I like how that was “at the time.” That must have been a couple birthdays ago. Or just about every birthday. But thank you, that’s very nice of you, Kirk. Kirk and I have not seen each other in awhile. We both work in the entertainment industry, and I actually travel quite a bit for work. And Kirk is based here in Los Angeles, but about ten years ago when we first met, we were on a job together at what I like to call a third-world production company.

KIRK: I like to call it a rat hole. It’s like the rattiest rat hole, you know, but everyone wants to get your foot in the door in Hollywood, get things going. So once we met there, in fact, Mike was the very first guy I met at that company…

MIKE: We immediately hit it off and decided to do what most people do, and that is, write a screenplay together.

KIRK: Yeah, you definitely are creative, and that’s why I wanted to bring him into my screenplay because you know, I think I’m pretty good with story. And Mike is really funny. He’s funny and I guess that’s probably why chicks like you.

MIKE: Maybe this is just a reason for us to get together and kiss each other’s ass. It’s been too long.

KIRK: By the way, this podcast is going to be coming up every week. We’re going to try really hard to send one out every single week. We got a lotta exciting subjects to get to, and we got some really fun segments. One of them is called “Ask a guy,” so sometimes we hit the streets and ask women what they think they’d like to ask a guy, and we answer it here in the studio. The “studio.” But Mike is from the west side of LA. He’s single. And I’m the married voice here, and I live in the San Fernando Valley, which is, like, the suburban, you know…the West side is where the cool people live. The Valley is where the valley girl came from, like “oh my God.”

MIKE: Although she was kinda cool, in her own way.

KIRK: Yeah she was.

MIKE: But that was probably the last time the Valley was cool, I guess in 1982 when that movie came out.

KIRK: Yeah, and also that’s the first movie where really I fell in love with Nicholas Cage, and here we go with this gay thing again, but I really, he’s brilliant in that movie, like really brilliant, and so I recommend it. Valley Girl, and it’s such a great slice of time too. But anyway, back to women. So, let’s just jump right in. you know, I haven’t seen you in a long time. I mean, a really long time. Probably about over a year.

MIKE: Yeah, in fact, I’m in Kirk’s kitchen, I was just commenting that I haven’t seen his family in over a year. He’s got a young son who, last time I saw him, didn’t really speak much. And now he is in school and talks a lot. The last time I was at Kirk’s place, his kitchen was almost nonexistent because he was getting an addition on. Now it’s apparently a radio studio, and it looks great with the blue countertops. And his dog got bigger.

KIRK: Alright. Hey, Mike, since I haven’t seen you in so long, I wanted to jump right in and talk about, well, a new beginning. I wanted to talk about breakups.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: The different breakups you’ve had and some that I’ve had. What’s the deal? First of all, let’s go way, way back to when I first met you.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: You had this really, I thought she was super hot, girlfriend, okay? And I just thought, I don’t know, there was something about her.

MIKE: Well you’re going to love this, if I can cut you off. The girl I moved out here with, and I don’t even know if you know this or not, she’s now a lesbian.

KIRK: Like official lesbian?

MIKE: Like official lesbian.

KIRK: That’s so hot! That’s hot, okay.

MIKE: I swear to God. Maybe we haven’t talked about this. She’s been out for a couple of years to a bunch of people. And to backtrack a little bit, the girl Kirk’s talking about, I moved out here from the Midwest to LA with, and I had the dream of getting into the entertainment industry, and she was an accountant who did not have the same dream and we stayed together for a few years. And she is a super, super person who had enough of Los Angeles and headed back to Chicago. When we broke up, we didn’t talk for a while, and then we turned into really good friends. We didn’t talk for a couple of years, but she has a serious girlfriend. I’ve met her several times.

KIRK: Is she cute or is she butchy?

MIKE: No, no, she’s hot.

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: Yeah, she’s very hot.

KIRK: Ooh, lipstick lesbians, that’s what I’m talking about!

MIKE: Yeah, they’re a couple of cute little blonde chicks.

KIRK: So like, did you, I mean, when you were dating her and you moved all the way out from Chicago, did you have any sense about this?

MIKE: I will tell you, yeah, let me tell you, let’s back this up a little bit. When I dated her, I’m kind of a, I’d like to think I’m a little slicker than I was a few years back, but I was very naïve. But what I liked about this girl who I picked up at a bar and who I eventually moved out to California with was, she was very open about wanting to experiment with other women, and she hadn’t done it. She was from a small town in upstate New York, and I find sometimes the Midwest to be very conservative, which I’m sure a lot of people do. Especially when you live out in California for awhile. She had a different take. And then obviously later on it proved to be a way different take, as she now has a serious girlfriend, and I was going to say, she’s having a commitment ceremony next year.

KIRK: No way.

MIKE: And it’s gotten to that point, yeah, and she’s only been with this girl for about a year and a half.

KIRK: Wow.

MIKE: But I guess when you know you never wanna come back to the other side. Another thing we should maybe talk about, Kirk, is that I asked her point-blank, and it’s the one thing women and men often talk about when somebody’s dating somebody from the opposite sex, usually a woman, and then she becomes a lesbian, it’s like “Yo, hey, you turned her gay.” You know, I’m sure you’ve heard that.

KIRK: No, like you mean, the guy did it? It was so bad that she turned gay?

MIKE: Exactly. You’ve never heard that?

KIRK: No, but I mean…

MIKE: That’s a big joke, and I asked [laughs], I ended up asking her that because…

KIRK: What? Did you turn her gay?

MIKE: Yeah, I was just like seriously, you know, did I, cuz I heard this a million times, did I have anything to do with it, and she’s like “No no no,” and I was like “Eh, you sure?”

KIRK: She was just saying that to be nice.

MIKE: No, the truth is she didn’t. Listen, the truth is, I think all along, she was dancing on the line of batting for the other team, but I think she might have been afraid to cross over and do that. Because there have been two situations where I almost had a two-on-one with her…

KIRK: Yeah, cuz I would think that she would try to get girls into the bedroom with you, right?

MIKE: Well see, here’s the problem when you date a girl, and a girl that wants to experiment. I’ve been in a couple situations where there should have been a two-on-one, and it’s usually me that screws it up. And with the girl that I was dating.

KIRK: When you’re saying two-on-one, you mean two girls.

MIKE: Yeah, two girls, yeah. What I screwed up with the girl I was dating was, you know, you get so frickin’ excited. Can I say fuck?

KIRK: Yeah yeah.

MIKE: You get so fucking excited. You get, eh, so excited that it’s actually going to happen, and it’s usually when you’re in a bar and it’s after midnight, and I was dating this girl and she comes up to me and she’s like, okay, this girl, a friend of a friend was staying with her who was a piece of ass, and we were all hanging out, drinking, partying, dancing. And she comes up and she goes “It’s going down tonight.” And I’m like, “Holy shit!”

KIRK: Who said that? Was it your girlfriend?

MIKE: Yes, my girlfriend said that.

KIRK: You guys had actually talked about it? So you were ready for it, or…

MIKE: Again, I was a little younger, and I joked about it, like “Alright, hey when am I going to get in on this activity?” Cuz I knew she was curious, and I didn’t know if I’d be involved. And she’s like “Yeah, you’re not happening, you’re not going to be part of it.” So I put it out of my mind. And of course when you’re boozing and partying and it happens, you’re just like “holy shit.”

KIRK: So it actually happened?

MIKE: Okay, so when it happens and it presents itself…

KIRK: You can’t get it up.

MIKE: No, it presented itself in a bar that we were going to go home with this girl. There was going to be a two-on-one scenario. So of course I got over-zealous and I start dancing, you know, and I’m up behind this chick and I’m dry-humping her on the dance floor. I said something…

KIRK: Dry humping her, ha.

MIKE: Dude, I got moves.

KIRK: That’s so funny. So go ahead.

MIKE: So, I ended up, I’m behind her, and I’m whispering in her ear, “we’re going back and we’re hooking it up.” And it’s like the cliché needle scratch on the record. It’s like “ennnhhhh…done.” And she’s like, “what?” I’m like “Oh, nah.”

KIRK: She knew nothing about it?

MIKE: No, she had talked to my girlfriend about it, saying “Hey, let’s go back…” I think they set something up for each other, and I was the dickhead joining in, you know, well “Oh, she’s getting some, I might as well be part of this.” So, needless to say, I walk away. I don’t know how much time passed before my girlfriend came up at me, furious because I had blown it. And later when we moved to LA…

KIRK: She was like, “Damn, I really wanted that action.”

MIKE: Yeah, she was very much like that. I was like that, even if I wasn’t involved, I wanted that action for her, as long as, or you know.

KIRK: Or because, was she pissed that she was somehow embarrassed to the other girl.

MIKE: No.

KIRK: She was pissed because she wasn’t getting the action?

MIKE: Yeah, she was upset because she wasn’t getting any ass. And it’s also because, you know, in hindsight, she probably found this girl that she liked and she could envision herself being with, and here I am, in a minute of stupidity, I blow it for her. You know, she might have been working this girl all weekend because she was a friend of a friend staying at her place, and she had just, you know

KIRK: She had known her beforehand then?

MIKE: I don’t, I can’t remember if she had known her before but I know, you know, when we all went out, they totally had hit it off. They had gotten along, they were very comfortable around each other. So this conversation could have happened the day before. I just knew, whatever she had said to me, which, being a guy, I may have interpreted as “Hey, you’re going to be involved in this,” now that I think about it, I should probably call her.

KIRK: But when you were grinding up against her and everything, she was digging that part? It was just when you…

MIKE: Who, her friend? Yeah.

KIRK: It was just when you actually said “We’re going to make this happen.”

MIKE: Well, you know, it was just a group of people, dancing, hanging out, being stupid, and yeah, I probably said something to the effect of “Hey, you know, can’t wait ‘til the three of us get down when we get back,” and it was just like, it stopped.

KIRK: Oopsies!

MIKE: And you know what, to be honest with you, Kirk, you think you learn your lesson. And two years later when you’re living in LA, situation like that presents itself again and we’re not dancing. [Laughs] My girlfriend even warned me, “Do not blow this.” And somehow, I forgot what I did in that case, but I did a similar situation.

KIRK: So you never actually got the action.

MIKE: No. It was dead in the water. So what I might try to do is, at the commitment ceremony, invite myself to their honeymoon.

KIRK: Yeah, people always get so horny at weddings and funerals, of course. That’s why they always have those movies about it.

MIKE: By the way Kirk, I was just kidding. I’m not going to invite myself to their honeymoon.

KIRK: I could see you doing it though. You know what, maybe she likes it every now and then, you know? Likes a guy.

MIKE: No, she’s done with guys.

KIRK: Done with guys.

MIKE: That’s what I said too, you know?

KIRK: Don’t you miss that, like, nice…

MIKE: Here’s what’s awesome about being friends with an ex that’s turned lesbian. To also back up real quick, Kirk and I, when we were talking about doing this program, we had, you know, topics we wanted to talk about, and I did not know that this was going to be one of them. See, and you know what, this isn’t, whoever’s tuning into this, you’re probably like “Oh great.” If you saw the topic on the podcast and it said “Lesbian,” “Two guys talking about lesbians,” this is kind of a different way of talking about it, because this is…my ex is a very dear friend of mine. But what’s also great about it is, I’ve very fortunate in the fact that I happened to date a woman long enough that she turned lesbian and has given me privilege to asking her any questions along the way, which a lot of guys never get that inside scoop. So like, if we dying to know what it’s like to be with a woman, or double vibrators, I have the inside scoop on that. I don’t know if it’s important for this show.

KIRK: Oh I think it is. I think we’ve gotta cover all ground. Seriously.

MIKE: As long as I don’t use anybody’s name, I’m sure that Julie, ahem, kidding, her name’s not Julie.

KIRK: Well, I mean, I like Julie though. She’s, actually it is Julie, she’s something. I remember one time when I was over at your house, and I had this—you know what, there was something, like an Academy Awards party or something—and I had this girlfriend there that I was with, and I remember that Julie would like go up to her.

MIKE: So we’re going to call her Julie?

KIRK: Well whatever, we don’t want to give away her…

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, Julie. I wish I would’ve known that.

KIRK: We have to call her something. We don’t want to use her real name.

MIKE: I would’ve called her Julie ten minutes ago.

KIRK: Here’s the thing. I knew that there was something really interesting about her. I always knew there was something really interesting about her, but I couldn’t put her finger on it, you know. But did you ever actually think, “Wow, I wonder if she’s gay?” or did you just think she’s adventurous?

MIKE: You know what, because the thing is, she never hooked up with a woman while I was with her, and I knew she was curious as hell. I still am kind of surprised that it’s not a phase.

KIRK: Hm, I tend to think that, actually, that most people aren’t bi. You’re one orientation or another.

MIKE: Yeah, I kind of agree with you on that.

KIRK: But the weird thing is, it took so long. Like, she’s probably well into her 30s before she came out. 30s, huh?

MIKE: Yeah, not well in, but she also went through a lot of therapy and I think that kinda put her in that direction.

KIRK: Yeah, she saw her priorities, and life’s too short anyway.

MIKE: Yeah, but I do value, what I find very fortunate is that we’re still very friends, and you know, I’m invited to this ceremony, and I’ve got this kinda, she’s opened me up to this whole world of questions, if I have any questions about anything, she’ll answer them for me.

KIRK: Well good, she needs to do a podcast. I’ve got some questions for her. For example, why are they attracted to butch lesbians? If you want a guy, then why don’t you be with a guy, instead of a chick who acts like a guy and dresses like a guy? You know what I mean?

MIKE: Yeah, no. I agree with you on that. Well, I don’t think Julie could answer that one for you because her girlfriend is a lot like her. So she’s very feminine, but oddly enough.

KIRK: That’s hot dude, I’m sorry…

MIKE: It is kinda hot. It’s very hot, but what was odd about it is, Julie’s gotten a little butchier, I’ve noticed, in the way she’s dressing.

KIRK: I could see that. She was always the athletic type, you know?

MIKE: Right, but she seems like she’s butched up a little bit.

KIRK: Really.

MIKE: Yeah, yeah.

KIRK: Does that turn you off?

MIKE: It doesn’t turn me off. What turns me off is she cut all her hair off so she’s got that soccer mom “I gave up” hairstyle.

KIRK: Wow, but is it cut short? Is it…

MIKE: No.

KIRK: It’s not like a lesbian butch-do. It’s more of a soccer mom?

MIKE: No. It’s…as a single guy who, and I don’t think your wife has this, the “Hey, I’m going to give up, so I’ve cut my hair off and left it at the shoulders.”

KIRK: You know what, here’s the thing.

MIKE: I don’t think your wife has it, does she?

KIRK: Uh, yes she does actually.

MIKE: It’s a little longer, isn’t it? I saw it up tonight, so I’m not offending her.

KIRK: But it’s weird because you see it as they’re giving up, but I always saw that soccer moms were the sexiest. I mean when I was in high school and everything, all you fantasized about was 35-year-old women, and I’m like 18 at the time. I just thought they were hot, and I wouldn’t call it, what’d you say, “giving up”?

MIKE: Giving up, quitting.

KIRK: I wouldn’t call it quitting. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe maturing. But 35-year-old soccer moms, 38-year-old soccer moms, they were so hot. I was always so attracted to them. They have sort of that maternal thing, and they also have that, you know, the sexiness about them. They’re knowledgeable, they know things, they know how to play, they don’t play games. It’s kinda like a Mrs. Robinson thing, I mean, I always dug that.

MIKE: How long was Mrs. Robinson’s hair? I just…what I’m saying is…

KIRK: Are you talking about short, short hair?

MIKE: You know what, honestly, I’m talking about anything that doesn’t go down past the shoulders. And I’ve dated girls that have that, and they brag about how much easier it is and da da da, and it’s usually a, again, screech of the record.

KIRK: The hair? It turns you off.

MIKE: Big time, big time. It’s just like, “Listen, if I want to date a guy, I’ll date a guy.”

KIRK: But you don’t think you can have a sexy girl haircut? For example, what do you think about a brunette that has a sort of bob, you know?

MIKE: Nothing’.

KIRK: Wow.

MIKE: Zero, zero. You know, I could be wrong, but it feels to me like quitting.

KIRK: Like, there’s this girl that I work with, right? And she’s so hard up for a date, she’s really hard up for a date. And she has that pixie haircut you know, that really short one that sort of stands up at the sides, you know?

MIKE: Well that’s why she’s hard up for a date.

KIRK: Well yeah, I just think why does she do that. And she’s so perfect and so controlling and everything she does is really controlling. Like everything has its own little place.

MIKE: Wait, hold on, I’m sorry to interrupt you. So she’s got a pixie hairdo and she’s very controlling.

KIRK: And anal.

MIKE: And anal. And she’s hard up for a date? Shocker.

KIRK: I mean, I know. But it’s not so much her short hair as it is her personality. I mean, if you watch models, a lot of models have short hair, and they can be smokin’ so hot.

MIKE: I bet they’re hotter with longer hair.

KIRK: Well maybe, how long should the hair be? Like, below the bra strap or above it?

MIKE: Yes, it can be a little above it.

KIRK: Do you like it cut straight across or do you like it cut, you know, like an angle? You know what I mean? No, there’s a difference, girls that cut their hair straight across…?

MIKE: Straight across the bangs?

KIRK: No, the back.

MIKE: Oh, oh, interesting.

KIRK: I think those girls are way more sexually aware. They’re way hotter.

MIKE: Angled?

KIRK: No, straight. When they cut it straight, you know, like Betty Page for example. That pin-up model from the 40s or whatever, they had that movie about her?

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But you know, like, it’s a straight cut and they’re wildly sexy, I’m not kidding.

MIKE: You know what, that’s very…honestly, in all my years of looking at hair, I’ve never thought about that. I know what you’re talking about, whether it’s straight across or curved, and I think I’d have to go with straight across, but you know what, now I’m going to have to be more aware of that. I’m going to be looking out for that more.

KIRK: Yeah. Like, when I say curved, I mean, a shape that’s kinda tapered.

MIKE: Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. It’s just not straight across.

KIRK: Yeah yeah. If it’s straight across, it means they want some a–. It sounds stupid but it means they want some action.

MIKE: If it’s straight across?

KIRK: Yeah man, it’s like they know how to work it. I’m not kidding.

MIKE: So when we got out on the street, that’s one thing I’d like…

KIRK: Yeah, check it out, check it out.

MIKE: Why did you cut off all your hair? Is it because you’ve’ quit and given up, or are you going to give us the lame excuse that it’s so much easier to control? Which to me equals quit, given up, too much on my hands.

KIRK: That’s so funny. I’ve never thought about it like that. I always thought girls were really sexy when their hair was just touching their shoulders or a little longer, but not like long hair. Like Bridget Bardot, that kinda hair bugs me. It’s so long, and it’s just, you know what, it’s dead hair follicles. It’s like dead hair follicles. It’s like your cells spew out and there’s like excess junk and that’s your hair.

MIKE: I can’t, I don’t know what Bridget Bardot’s hair looks like. Can you give somebody born in the 1900s?

KIRK: When I say…oh by the way, through this, you’ll learn that we have different tastes in a lot of things. Like I’m really into French music. And he’s really into Bon Jovi music.

MIKE: It’s very true. Speaking of cool long hair.

KIRK: It’s so funny that you think you have to have long hair. So if a chick…

MIKE: Listen, nobody has to have long hair. If you’ve got a great ass, great rack, I’m more of an ass guy to be honest with you, but that’s a separate topic.

KIRK: Hey, at least we agree on something.

MIKE: Heh, nice. And it doesn’t matter if it’s curly.

KIRK: Do you like brunettes or blondes?

MIKE: Blondes generally

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: And I didn’t think I was that way–

KIRK: I like brunettes and I like hair to be cut straight right at the bra strap.

MIKE: But you just you don’t mind if it’s short. You like short hair.

KIRK: Well no, there’s short and then there’s pixie short. That turns me off.

MIKE: Do you like the bangs that are cropped off straight off or…

KIRK: Well I’ll tell you what I don’t like, I don’t like when the hair looks really severe, like it’s a statement, you know, when they put pink in their hair or when they put black in their blonde, you know? That just looks like they’re trying too hard.

MIKE: But does it bother you if it’s a blond chick that dyes her hair dark brown or black?

KIRK: No, as long as the whole hair’s that color, you know what I mean?

MIKE: Why do you think it bothers you if there’s a streak in there? It doesn’t bother me.

KIRK: Well, I guess it makes me feel like they’re trying too hard. Like they can’t just be themselves. You know, and that whole punk thing. Like you know when you see those punk girls and everything, it just feels like they’re just trying too hard. Or like, they’re like so trying to be original that they look like a joke and a cliché.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But anyway, we gotta wrap this up Mike. I can’t believe we’re winding up with our first podcast here, but before we do…

MIKE: A lot of fun.

KIRK: Yeah, it’s really cool.

MIKE: Hope you all had fun too, listening to it.

KIRK: We meandered an awful lot. We intended to cover these topics which Mike will tell you right now.

MIKE: We did: lesbians and hair. What we intended to cover were long distance relationships, breakups, engagement—when and how to pop the question, fake boobs, how to pick up women.

KIRK: He’s reading.

MIKE: If you can’t tell…should women make the first move, chivalry, who pays—I’ll tell you that right now, we could cover that right now.

KIRK: No, no, no, that’s a whole show. That’s a whole show.

MIKE: Should women have careers…hello, it’s not 1950.

KIRK: Well that was kind of a joke question. I mean, there’s more to it than that.

MIKE: The answer is no. Just kidding. Um, women in the workplace, crying chicks, and how to dump someone. So yeah, we got some stuff to cover in the future.

KIRK: Yeah yeah. Before we go, we have to go the segment that we call, “Ask a guy,” and this is where we take the microphone out onto the street, and the girls ask a guy. So let’s see what they have for a question for us. So here we go.

 

—ASK A GUY-

 

MARIE: My name is Marie, and I’m French. You know, I wonder if men really care about all the time that we spend to be pretty.

KIRK: Nice question. Any ideas, Mike?

MIKE: Guys care that, yeah, women show up hot and sexy. They don’t like waiting. It’s a long process in most cases.

KIRK: Let’s say, like a girl, meets you somewhere and she’s already done up. Then, do you like that, or do you rather her just show up.

MIKE: No no no, okay, I like to see that. I like to see that a little time and care’s been put into it.

KIRK: Here’s what I think. I think that girls think that guys don’t care, and it’s probably what you said. It’s probably that guys can’t handle sitting around and waiting for them, and you’re trying to get out of the house and get going. But the end result is totally worth it, I mean, here’s the thing. When you see a girl walking down the street, you see any normal girl and that’s one thing. But when you see a girl that’s got it all together and she looks like wicked hot, it’s because she did all that stuff, man. She got her hair, she’s got the outfit, you know, she’s got the makeup just right. I mean, I think guys really do care, I think they really, really do care, and that’s why Pamela Anderson dresses like that.

MIKE: Sometimes when girls get too…spend too much time, then you’re dealing with somebody that’s looking in the rear-view mirror all the time, always looking at a mirror when you pass by one, which turns me off.

KIRK: You’re saying they’re too vain?

MIKE: Yeah, it’s like, sometimes they don’t know how to let themselves be flawless. Like I appreciate somebody putting themselves together very well, but at the same time, they also can obsess on it. I’ve definitely dated the girl—a few of them—that sit there and it becomes to a point where it’s annoying and you’re almost like “Hey, throw on some sweats.”

KIRK: Yeah, do you think that girls have to wear makeup? I mean, in order to be attractive to you?

MIKE: No, no, not at all. I think that some helmets—and when I say, helmets, I mean girls’ heads, need a serious facelift and makeover. It’s almost like…

KIRK: And they need it. They can’t go out without it.

MIKE: I mean, right, yeah, and I’ve dated girls that look fantastic with makeup and without it. I get nervous sometimes when I’m dating someone and I’m seeing their made-up head.

KIRK: Dude, that sounds so existential, man. Her made-up head?

MIKE: Cuz it is. I see their made-up head and I start getting a little nervous, wondering, you know, once I hose that thing down, what’s it going to look like underneath there?

KIRK: Oh my god.

MIKE: Is that too harsh?

KIRK: Anyway, long story short is, I think that guys really, really do appreciate when women take care of themselves and they look good.

MIKE: We do. Well let me ask you this, do you ever go to the health club?

KIRK: I don’t go to health clubs.

MIKE: Have you ever been…do you know what a health club is?

KIRK: Yeah…I’m a surfer, so.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: That’s my health club.

MIKE: Well, so.

KIRK: Those dolphins, they’re hot.

MIKE: Well, I’ll try to speak in your language.

KIRK: Okay, speak in my language.

MIKE: So, you go out to the ocean, and chicks are in wet suits. I mean, they’re not well put together.

KIRK: Right, right. That’s a good one. That’s a great example.

MIKE: But, but. Hot’s hot. I mean.

KIRK: Okay, alright. That’s a great example. Interesting. Okay, well we gotta get out of here, but thank you so much for joining us.

MIKE: Yes.

KIRK: And Mike, I gotta tell you, thanks for making the big trip out to the valley. This is really fun to see you. I gotta say, it’s been too long. We gotta do this more. In fact, we’re going to do it every week.

MIKE: Let’s do it every week. I’m having a good time, Kirk. It’s good to see ya.

KIRK: Thanks a lot, goodbye.

MIKE: Bye…that’s good, Kirk.