A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

Copyright TAHC, LLC - All Rights Reserved.

Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE FOUR

June 17, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

 

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–SEGMENT 1-

 

KIRK: Hey, Welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.

MIKE: And I’m Mike.     

KIRK: And we’re really glad you’re back.

MIKE: And we’re glad to be back too.

KIRK: Yeah, Mike, you were gone for awhile. You were working on a pilot or something?

MIKE: Yes, I was very Hollywood for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been doing a pilot on a home makeover show that I was directing and writing.

KIRK: Oh yeah? Nice, well why don’t you come over and redo my house?

MIKE: If you could see Kirk’s house, he clearly doesn’t need any of my help, but I actually work on the other side of the camera. We have a designer that works on all the nitty gritty stuff.

KIRK: Well listen, I had a huge day today.

MIKE: What’s going on?

KIRK: I know this is like, really, like we’re supposed to talk about chicks and everything?

MIKE: Yeah

KIRK: But this is huge for me, alright?

MIKE: This is true. I just walked in. Kirk is just sitting down.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: We haven’t even talked, and he’s about to unload on me. Go ahead. I’m nervous.

KIRK: I know. I woke up this morning, and my five-year-old kid couldn’t read, alright? I came home from work, and he can read now.

MIKE: That’s huge!

KIRK: He can read! I’m telling you, this morning there was a light bulb that went on.

MIKE: Very cool, very cool.

KIRK: So when I came home, he was reading “cat, bat, mat.” And I know it sounds silly but then he read all these words today, like he read so many words today I couldn’t believe it. He read thirty six words and this morning he couldn’t read one. It was really an epiphany.

MIKE: Well that is fantastic.

KIRK: Yeah I think it’s pretty cool.

MIKE: Congratulations.

KIRK: there’s just a, there’s a moment when you just have all the information that you need and you just take off.

MIKE: That is fantastic, Kirk. Congratulations.

KIRK: It’s a little off topic, but….

MIKE: No, no. It’s not off topic because you read, like Marie Claire and Women’s World so that you’re in touch with topics that we can talk about today.

KIRK: That’s true. I like those, I like those magazines.

MIKE: And here’s your son reading “cat” and “bat” and “mat” and “rat.”

KIRK: I read this, I was actually reading Cosmo magazine today. Like, I don’t really read it read it, but…

MIKE: It’s okay if you do.

KIRK: Tell me what you think of this. They say that a woman’s, that smart woman’s secret taboo is that they want to be a kept woman. What do you think of that?

MIKE: Wow, can you hear those crickets?

KIRK: I think the point of the article, I didn’t read the article, I just skimmed it.

MIKE: Secret taboo, okay.

KIRK: Well, okay, it’s the idea that every woman is supposed to be this, you know, go-getter, do everything.

MIKE: But what they really like to be is kept.

KIRK: Absolutely. They like to stay home and be…this sounds so sexist, but I’m just saying what the magazine was implying, alright?

MIKE: What was this magazine again?

KIRK: Cosmo.

MIKE: Wow.

KIRK: So, like, what they’re saying is like it’s their secret little wish is that they didn’t have to work and they didn’t have to do everything and be Superwoman and do all this stuff. And they could just kick back.

MIKE: So you’re not really being sexist. You didn’t write the article.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: And it’s in a girly girly magazine.

KIRK: But I know, I kind of believe it too.

MIKE: Hahaha. Alright. Well here we go, okay.

KIRK: Now hold on. I’m all for everybody getting ahead.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: And equal rights and all that.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But like I secretly do think that even guys, like I would personally love to have a sugar mama who took care of my ass and like, you know, gave me like all the dough I needed. And I could just kick back and like write my screenplays or do whatever. That would be awesome. Go surfing.

MIKE: Would that be enough for you though? I mean, would you…

KIRK: Totally. The only reason I work is because, you know, I have a family I have to support it. And also, I like my career. But my job is like a job. It’s a job because I’m working for a big movie studio. And I don’t get a lot of creativity. I don’t get a lot of, you know, I don’t get to use my creative juices. So.

MIKE: But don’t you think there are women out there that are the big ball busters that love their job? I know I said ball busters, so who’s the sexist now? But that love or want a career and would rather do that than being a kept woman?

KIRK: You know what, honestly? I mean, I think there are women that are career people, but I think that that’s kind of a cover-up for the fact that they don’t have that situation yet.

MIKE: Basically, so what you’re saying is, would you agree that you think that everybody would rather be a kept person?

KIRK: I think so.

MIKE: I think so too.

KIRK: Would you?

MIKE: Oh yeah.

KIRK: You would?

MIKE: Hell yeah!

KIRK: You’d like to have a sugar mama?

MIKE: Yeah!

KIRK: Mmk, I know…

MIKE: But I’d probably have to run with a different group of dudes that all had the sugar mamas because I’d feel like the douchebag that…

KIRK: You would?

MIKE: Well, you know cuz I think a lot of guys talk about guys that have sugar mamas.

KIRK: Uh huh.

MIKE: I know that, just in my relationship with you, you have a buddy that’s got a sugar mama and we’ve talked about it many, many different times.

KIRK: Yeah, yeah.

MIKE: And I don’t know too many kept men? But the ones that I’ve heard stories on, like, you hear those stories for some reason. It’s like looked down upon.

KIRK: Yeah, well, here’s the reason why I look down on that particular person or other people like that. I know actually three people like that. They have sugar mamas. And the reason why I look down on them is because they don’t use their time to do anything. They literally just sit there on their asses, sit there on their duff, instead of…If I had a sugar mama, I would do something really fun and creative for myself. I would, like, surf all the time. I would write. I would do creative things, try to pick up music. These guys pretty much just sit in their house and expect their wives to do everything.

MIKE: Do they have kids?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Do they watch the kids?

KIRK: They don’t.

MIKE: Interesting.

KIRK: And that’s the thing. That makes me sick. In fact, that’s why, one of my friends, I gave up on him because he has a, basically a sugar mama that he has known since high school. They were high school sweetheart. This is the same guy, by the way, that last time, or a couple of times ago actually, I was telling you that he had his wife get a boob job because she was so flat.

MIKE: Oh, that’s so…

KIRK: Yeah, I know. I guess…

MIKE: Dude, he’s the luckiest guy I know.

KIRK: Yeah, I don’t know how that worked. But basically, yeah, she has the big job, and then so they had a kid. And he just, he was staying home and he wouldn’t like help raise the kid. So finally he put him in day care at three months, and I just thought that was gross. Like, that’s gross man, the kid is just…

MIKE: Yeah, it’s the least you could do if you’re just sitting around doing nothing.

KIRK: Ugh.

MIKE: Like what does he do? Do you know what he’s doing during the day?

KIRK: He pretends like he’s a writer.

MIKE: Okay…

KIRK: But he’s never sold anything.

MIKE: Oh, so he’s like most of Hollywood.

KIRK: For years, no, but there’s one thing.

MIKE: I’m kidding, more than most.

KIRK: There’s people who get things going, and then there’s people who, like, say they’re going to get things going.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: You know? And you and I are both the kind of people that get things going, and we get things going.

MIKE: As we sit here with yet another episode of the show.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: Making it happen.

KIRK: I know that if we had sugar mamas, we wouldn’t sit on our ass.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: We’d do something cool or fun or exciting or we’d grow.

MIKE: Grow. I think that’s actually, that’s a great word to describe what we do. Grow.

KIRK: Yeah, you learn every time. You learn something new, and you bring it to the table, and you have personal growth, emotional growth, everything.

MIKE: God, I wish I could find you a sugar mama. Listen to you.

KIRK: I know.

MIKE: You got a sugar mama.

KIRK: I got a great one, I’ll tell you that.

MIKE: You got a mama. She may not be feeding you sugar, different kind of sugar.

KIRK: But yeah, she’s a catch, I’ll tell you that.

MIKE: Absolutely, I’d agree with you that.

KIRK: Like we’re so much on the same page. And even when I was a lowly assistant at the company that I work at, at the movie studio, I said I didn’t want her to work, and I just wanted her to stay home to take care of the kids and everything. And it wasn’t because I was sexist. It was because I just felt like, you know, I can work and she can do that, because I can work. I’d rather make less money and have her take care of the kids in the house and everything like that and get her own stuff going. Cuz then she can, you know, she can develop and grow, and she brings to the table too.

MIKE: Was your mom around? Did your mom have a job?

KIRK: No.

MIKE: Yeah, neither did mine. So maybe that’s where that comes from. I on the other hand, a very single guy, think that if I was married, I think I’d go with the 2 jobs. Well I gotta land a sugar mama so that I can just hang out at home with the kids.

KIRK: Yeah, but you’d like that.

MIKE: Maybe. I’m not having kids anytime soon.

KIRK: You might go crazy.

MIKE: I know, although Father’s Day is just around the corner.

KIRK: I know, that’s a big deal. For me, it’s like birthdays, I don’t really care that much about birthdays or Father’s Days. I’m not a big celebration guy.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: Are you?

MIKE: No, I wouldn’t say I’m a big celebration guy. I’d say that like, you know, when I turned 30, I had a party. 35, I had some people get together. You were there.

KIRK: Let me tell you something I noticed about women and you see if you think it’s true.

MIKE: Alright.

KIRK: I found that women in general seem to care more about their birthdays than men do.

MIKE: I don’t know about that.

KIRK: See, they start crying if you don’t send them a birthday card and they get all upset. I mean, I’m generalizing, please, you know.

MIKE: Right. Yeah, I mean.

KIRK: Like if you forget a girl’s birthday.

MIKE: Yes, yes. I mean, I don’t forget things like that for that very reason because it’s a very emotional attachment. One year, my mom’s—to go in a different direction real quick—my mom’s mom died when she was 12, and one year I’d forgotten Mother’s Day. And I didn’t even think that much about it until my old man called me scolding me about—and I was in my 20s—about, you know, how I could forget Mother’s Day. And my father never calls me about things like this. And I felt horrible about it. But my mother never makes a big issue about a lot of her birthdays. I say that she didn’t even make that big of a deal out of Mother’s Day, but now it’s one of those things I’m very aware. But if that does happen.

KIRK: But you know what I mean.

MIKE: I do.

KIRK: Like if you forget a woman’s birthday and you’re dating her or something, that’s bad news, right?

MIKE: Well, it is bad news. But if I can remember the month, I feel like I’m doing alright.

KIRK: Yeah, you gotta show up there with the flowers, you know. If you don’t, it means that you don’t care about her enough to actually care.

MIKE: Is it important to know a woman, if you’re dating her, is it important to know her middle name?

KIRK: What do you think?

MIKE: Do you know your wife’s middle name?

KIRK: Well sure.

MIKE: You know her birthday?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Just checking.

KIRK: I would never miss it.

MIKE: What do I think? Did you ever miss it once?

KIRK: Actually she’s not a big birthday person either. That’s why we’re like two peas in a pod. She’s pretty much exactly like me, but she’s a girl.

MIKE: Alright interesting.

KIRK: Like the way we see life, you know?

MIKE: Do you think that makes it boring sometimes?

KIRK: I don’t, because…

MIKE: Cuz you love dating you?

KIRK: Yeah, I love dating myself. I mean, it’s not really myself, because she brings her own stuff to it. But it’s like we’re on the same page, it’s like, we both like Bruce Springsteen, and then you go to a Bruce Springsteen concert.

MIKE: Right, but do you ever wanna know more about Bon Jovi but you’re stuck at a Bruce Springsteen concert because you both like Bruce Springsteen and neither one of you likes Bon Jovi?

KIRK: No, I don’t think so.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: I think we’re really content like that.

MIKE: Very cool.

KIRK: Yeah, you never felt that? Have you ever been in a relationship where you’re totally in sync?

MIKE: Uh, yes, I have been. And then…I think you’re in sync for awhile and then you fall out of sync if you want to let it fall out of sync. Or you just find yourself growing in a different direction, maybe? I mean, that’s really most of the relationships that have ended with me that have been any kind of length were either I thought we were in sync and we weren’t or were in sync for a bit of time and then somebody wants something different and the other’s not willing to compromise.

KIRK: Hm. Wow. Well, I think we should talk about this more. Do you mind if we talk about breakups and stuff?

MIKE: I would love that, as long as you’re not breaking up with me.

KIRK: No, no. We wanted to get into that before on another show but we didn’t have time, but I’d love to talk a little about it.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Woman: Hi, I’m Cathy Malkasian, I’m the author of Percy Gloom, which is a graphic novel. And a graphic novel is by definition, I think, a comic that’s over a hundred pages. It’s really a neat medium. The great part about doing comics is that when words fail you, you got pictures, and vice versa. They really complement each other. It’s very free. It’s been really surprising. Pretty good feedback overall. Most of it has been from really respectable sources. This is going to sound really, really presumptuous but I got so disgusted with world affairs. Because, you know, what’s going on in the world right now is so ridiculous. People are just wiggin’ out. So I had to sort of make a satire of human folly, and humor is definitely subjective. But let’s just say, it’s an adult book, but if you left it on the coffee table and your 4-year-old picked it up, there isn’t anything in there that you’d have to, you know, worry about. My website is www.percygloom.com.

 

–INTERLUDE -

 

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.

Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.

Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.

Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.

Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.

Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.

Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.

Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.

Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.

Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.

Guy #11: Somebody funny.

Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

 

–SEGMENT 2–

 

MIKE: Welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. We are going to talk about breakups. I’m mike.

KIRK: And I’m Kirk. Yeah.

MIKE: That’s right on. I’m laughing because if I don’t laugh, I’m going to cry thinking about my last breakup.

KIRK: Oh boy. You know, first of all, I wanted to ask you about the girl from Texas. Why did you break up with her?

MIKE: To go back really, the girl from Texas was a long distance relationship that.

KIRK: You were in LA and she was in Texas

MIKE: I was in LA. Yeah, just back it up really quick. I was working on a job in Texas for a few months, about four months, and I started dating her two months before I was coming back. It got a little more serious. We decided to try the LA-Texas long distance relationship which…I have never done a long distance relationship before. And I’m often the guy that makes fun of them when I hear about them. So for me to be in one was kinda interesting. You know, I think when you get a little bit older, when I say older, I mean out of my 20s and into my 30s, I kinda, I’m not set in my ways, but I kinda like having a little more time to my stuff, which I’m not sure if you married folks do as much as we single folks do. But I’d see the girl I was dating every two to three weeks. So I’d have a lot of time, you know, in between. I mean, we talked all the time.

KIRK: Was this supposed to be monogamous?

MIKE: It was.

KIRK: So you had this agreement like “Okay, we’re going to be gone these three works, so you don’t touch anyone and I don’t touch anyone.”

MIKE: Correct, which is the first time I’ve ever tried anything like that. And actually, I can honestly say that I was monogamous.

KIRK: Good for you.

MIKE: Yeah, thanks, it was a bit…

KIRK: Was it hard?

MIKE: Uh, you know what, in the beginning, it wasn’t. Towards the end, when the arguments became petty, because there’s a lot of distance between you? You know, then I go off with my buddies and I would be talking to girls and checking them out a little longer than I probably should have?

KIRK: And do you think she was faithful?

MIKE: You know, it’s funny. I did until we were breaking up.

KIRK: She dropped the bomb!

MIKE: She didn’t drop a bomb bomb. But she did, in the heat of breaking up. When you’re upset with somebody and you know you start throwing things around, she did say something to the effect of “I wasn’t perfect out here,” kind of thing.

KIRK: Oh really?

MIKE: And I kinda just let that one slide because at that point, a, I was the one initiating the breakup, even though we both knew things weren’t well. And b, when you’re the one initiating the breakup, you usually don’t care as much. So I didn’t care as much.

KIRK: Well, do you think she said that and it was true? Or was she saying it just to hurt you?

MIKE: No, I have been out with her. And I’m not saying that I’m a heartthrob kind of guy, but she dolled up. She gets a lot of attention. I’d go to the bathroom, I’d come back, she’d be surrounded by dudes a lot of times. You know how those Southern women are, so.

KIRK: So what was the final clincher, the last straw?

MIKE: Between the two of us?

KIRK: Like how did it all go down?

MIKE: I think distance kinda played into things, although we did talk about her coming out this way. But ultimately, without getting into a whole bashing thing, somehow she got my email access address, and for about a month and a half leading up to the breakup, her suspicion level…something went awry, and all of a sudden she was getting more and more suspicious of when I’d be going out, what I’d be doing and asking a lot of questions to the point where I was feeling uncomfortable. And I don’t know if this was the right way to play it, but I wouldn’t always tell her where I was going cuz I didn’t want to get.

KIRK: You wanted to have a little trust, that’s what you wanted to have.

MIKE: And trust was definitely starting to get away from things. This is, I think, before she discovered by password. But then all of a sudden, certain things didn’t make sense. Like “So are you going out with your friends tonight?” and I’d be like “Yeah.” “So are those friends ex-coworkers?” and I’d be like “Uh…maybe? I don’t know.” “Are you sure you don’t know?”

KIRK: So, what, so she was reading your email then?

MIKE: Yeah, she would, she would know something. She’d try to talk in very general terms. But I was just like “What the fuck? How did she…?”

KIRK: Was she a hacker or something?

MIKE: No, she just saw. I think she saw my email password, and it took me awhile to actually believe that she was doing it.

KIRK: Oh my God.

MIKE: But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the one where she started pointing out specifics from the email and wanted me to confess something that I didn’t do. And I wanted her to confess that she stole my password and was looking at my emails. The end result was that she never confessed, I never told her what she wanted to hear. And we broke up, this was about 8 to 9 months ago. And now we’re on friendly terms, so that I, like, you know, we send an email here and there but don’t talk about anything specific and just checking to see how each other’s doing and their families are doing, that kinda thing.

KIRK: Wow. That’s creepy. So she’s reading your email. See when you have an email, sometimes you’re just chatting to someone and you don’t have any intention in your mind or anything weird going on, but it happens to be a female or something, and it’s just like, it gets totally blown out of context when someone who’s reading it. It’s kinda like, when you have a diary, you vent in your diary. It doesn’t mean you wanna go kill the person. It just means you’re venting, you know? It means you’re just venting. So if someone reads that and it’s out of context, it’s bad news, and so I need my own space too. Even though I’m married, and she has her space. She has all her friends that she hangs out with, and she’ll go away for a weekend. She has like a gay friend and she goes and like hangs out with him for a weekend or whatever. And that’s cool with me. They do whatever they do. They just, you know, do whatever. I don’t care. That’s just her space to talk about anything or vent or anything like that. And sometimes you need that from email or from, you know, personal conversations.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: I think you always need to have a little bit of private space for yourself. Like, what if I was writing you, and I just needed to say “Mike, man, something’s going on in my life and I really wanna tell you about this and..”

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: “and, you know, it involves her.” And then, so if she read that, she’d be all wigged out or something.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But maybe I just need to like go through it without an audience of her, you know what I mean?

KIRK: I agree, no I agree with 100%.

KIRK: And by the way, Pamela, that’s not happening.

MIKE: Pamela, it’s true. It is not happening. I can contest to that.

KIRK: But you know it’s like, I think everyone needs a little corner of their own private space. And I think that’s pretty low that the Texas girl started doing that. And she gets the wrong idea, like she doesn’t know who’s writing you, what your relationship with, right?

MIKE: Right, that’s exactly what it was. And it’s like, she charged at me before I had a chance to explain.

KIRK: But did you have anything to hide? I mean, I can see how it can be construed as something bad or did you actually…?

MIKE: No, no. It was something that was construed.

KIRK: Yeah, so it’s like you’re busted and you didn’t do anything.

MIKE: Well, that was the worst part about everything.

KIRK: See, I hate that.

MIKE: And that’s the thing, when you break up with somebody, you always start thinking about, no matter what the situation is after you’re done with being pissed off or angry or whatever, you start thinking. The good shit keeps popping up. And you’re like “God, there was all this good stuff.” And sometimes you get stuck going, “Jesus, did I make a mistake?” Which I’ve done many a time. And ultimately, I know that I didn’t make a mistake, but it doesn’t take away from the moments sometimes when I’m just like “God a year ago, we were doing this.” I’m one of those guys that reflects, like, “Huh, a year ago, I was doing this. A year ago, I was doing this.” And it was just kind of a little bizarre for me, and I started thinking about all the great times we had. And four months later or whatever, and this person is looking at all my stuff.

KIRK: Yeah. Well, I go to a shrink, right, and I’m really glad I do cuz it’s just great to have someone to talk to, and it’s a woman too because I just feel more comfortable like opening up to a woman. And I feel like less judged or whatever. But anyway, you know what she told me? She told me that the thing with jealous people or suspicious people is that they are the ones who have the tendency to do that kind of thing. In other words, they are the ones who cheat. They would be the ones who are, like, doing something that’s against the relationship. So then they’re more suspicious because it’s in their character.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: So they feel like the other person is doing it too, but the other person probably isn’t. it’s just, they’re bringing themselves.

MIKE: Well that would make sense then, when she brought up the fact that she wasn’t so perfect when we were separated so.

 KIRK: Yeah exactly, so that’s why she was so suspicious because she’s like that herself.

MIKE: Good, I’m glad I dumped the bitch.

KIRK: Yeah, you know what I’m saying?

MIKE: Yeah, I’m down with that!

KIRK: She was probably a pretty hot piece of ass, right?

MIKE: Yeah, she was pretty hot. Yeah, she was, she was. And she was also, I mean, on many levels, very cool, very down to earth.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Very suspicious.

KIRK: Wow. I wanna wrap this up because we gotta move on to some other things, Mike.

MIKE: Sure.

KIRK: I just want you to give me like a one sentence thing why you broke up with, why’d you break up with, um…Julie? In one sentence.

MIKE: Julie? All the way from show number 1?

KIRK: The one who turned into a lesbian.

MIKE: Wow. I broke up with her because we were going in different directions. She did not want to be in Southern California and we ran out of having things in common.

KIRK: Okay.

MIKE: That’s a bit of a compound sentence, but it works.

KIRK: No, that’s okay. The girl from Texas, you broke up because she was suspicious.

MIKE: Correct.

KIRK: And, what about the other one? The other one that was at your birthday? She was like a producer or something?

MIKE: Oh, blonde girl.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: We were friends with benefits, so that was kind of just a hookup thing, and I think she got bored with that and she…

KIRK: Well what’s the difference between friends with benefits and like, you know…

MIKE: And like dating somebody?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Friends with benefits, uh, you never really establish that you’re dating.

KIRK: Oh, or that you’re monogamous.

MIKE: Correct, so she kinda wasn’t looking for anything more than just hooking up and hanging out sometimes. And she was awesome. She’s a great person. And what’s funny about having a friend with benefits, cuz I’ve had a few of those, is eventually you either, one person either gets bored of the other person.

KIRK: Or do they get jealous because a real boyfriend or girlfriend enters the picture?

MIKE: Or that happens.

KIRK: Yeah.     

MIKE: But in the cases with me, it just seems like it kinda petered out. And they usually end up…they either wanted to date me more seriously or they’re just bored of the situation. And then about two months after that, I get pissed because I go, “Hmm, that was such a great arrangement. Why can’t this still be happening?”

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: So and in some case, there was another girl that I dated that lived here in Santa Monica. And this was, I dated because I guess I would take her out more and we didn’t just call each other up to hook up when we felt like it randomly. But we broke it off because she started feeling like, “Oh I’m not into a commitment but now I want one.”

KIRK: Oh yeah.

MIKE: And I was like “I’m not into a commitment, but now I still am not into a commitment.” So that was over, and she moved up to San Francisco for about a year. And oddly enough, she just moved back here a couple months ago.

KIRK: And you hooked with her?

MIKE: No, because I was kinda dating somebody else, so she contacted me a few times where…

KIRK: She wants to hook up.

MIKE: Yes. But then she plays like she doesn’t, but I know what’s up.

KIRK: So was it hard for you to like say no?

MIKE: Actually, not at all.

KIRK: No?

MIKE: And, uh.

KIRK: Because she’s not attractive to you?

MIKE: No, she is. It’s just that I’m in a situation that…I like the situation I’m in.

KIRK: Good for you.  

MIKE: I think, you know, had it been a couple years before though, like I said, I think when she headed up to San Francisco a couple months after, I was just like “Hmm, maybe I should make a road trip up there.”

KIRK: Hey, when you…this is totally off the subject but you’ve been around in a lot of different states and places. Do you think that California girls really all they’re made up to be?

MIKE: Believe it or not, well, when I think you’re in Hollywood, yes.

KIRK: Yeah? Now are the girls better in Hollywood and LA or are they just primped more?

MIKE: You know, the hottest of the hottest of their own states head out to California, to LA, to make it as actresses or whatever. And I think when you get into, when you’re walking around LA or West Hollywood, I do think you see some of the most beautiful women in the world. Would you agree with me, Kirk?

KIRK: Ooh. I don’t think I would agree.

MIKE: Ooh.

KIRK: No, I really don’t. Honestly, like, I’d probably find more beautiful women in Vienna or, like Polish women I find extremely beautiful. I just find, I just think they’re so beautiful. My wife looks kinda Polish. Turns out she’s Norwegian. But, no, I think that Polish women are stunning. I don’t know what it is about them. And Italian women too.

MIKE: You know what, women in general are just like…everywhere has great women. Like the women from the Midwest are just super friendly.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Very attractive. I find a lot of them wear sweaters around their waist, covering their ass, so you don’t know what size it is.

KIRK: I mean. I know that I went to school in Santa Barbara, right? And I could not believe how healthy and beautiful the people were. I mean, they rollerblade, they bicycle, they go on the beach, they’re all tan. You know, they surf, they play in the water, they do all this stuff. Rock climbing, bicycling, everybody was so healthy, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I was healthy too. I just wasn’t used to seeing a condensation of all these people that are so athletic. My God, and all these gorgeous bodies.

MIKE: Kirk, I always love talking women with you.

KIRK: This is great, Mike. Honest to God, like, I never knew how this would work out, but it’s so fun to see you and to catch up with you.

MIKE: I agree. We’re having a great time, and hopefully everybody else that’s listening is having a great time.

KIRK: The audience is growing, and we really thank you for tuning in to us. It’s fun. It’s fun to see the numbers go up, and we hope you’ll stay with us. And have a really great week.

MIKE: Yes, thank you so much, buh-bye.

KIRK: Buh-bye.