A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

Episode 005 - Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC - All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

EPISODE FIVE
June 26, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW-

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–MAIN SHOW-

KIRK: Hey, welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: Hey, I wanna tell you guys how you can go to our website and get more information about the show. There’s links to our emails, and you can write in if you have questions for us or comments or thoughts or whatever. We’d love to here about it, so you can go there. It’s whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. We’ve actually been getting some email too.
MIKE: Yeah, it’s very exciting.
KIRK: Yeah yeah.
MIKE: Things are taking off.
KIRK: And also, you know, we’ve been hitting the street to ask for women on the street questions, you know, for our segment called “Ask a Guy.” But anyway, if you have a question that you wanna send to us, you can also, like if you’re tech savvy, you can record like a 10 to 15 second mp3, and we’ll put it in that way. Hey so, Mike, you’re going to go to Chicago.
MIKE: I am.
KIRK: What are you going to do there?
MIKE: You know, I am just going to see my family. I’m going to see the Cubs play. I’m going to see a concert. My sister and two brothers live in the city and so, you know what, it’s going to be more of a relaxing trip, and just get out of LA for a little bit.
KIRK: Well anyway, thanks for coming over, Mike. It’s really great to see you.
MIKE: It’s always great to see you, Kirk.
KIRK: And thanks for listening in, everyone.
MIKE: Yes, more importantly, thank you all for listening. We’re all having a great time and glad you’re enjoying the show.
KIRK: But, Mike, let’s get to the show.
MIKE: Let’s do it, baby!
KIRK: Alright. Okay, so you break up with someone and you date someone new or whatever or you go on a one-night stand, I was just wondering, like sexually, how long does it take you to get in sync with them or to figure out like if they’re even compatible? Because I’ve dated girls before, Mike, where you just are like so turned off by them once you actually physically get together. Like I dated this one girl, and she was just worst kisser. Like I know guys don’t really care about kissing that much, but this girl was like so awful. It was like this super stiff orifice. It just was gross, it was like she had never kissed anyone in her life. And I know it’s not a real macho thing to talk about kissing, but like she just couldn’t kiss. And that was enough to so turn me off.
MIKE: Dude, I agree with you. And were you attracted to her otherwise?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: That’s the killer. That is the killer.
KIRK: Yeah, she just…she had a great personality. She was fun, but then you try to hook up with her physically and it was yuck.
MIKE: I know, a lotta girls wanna kiss. For some reason, they wanna kiss. If you don’t kiss them enough, you’ll eventually hear about it. I’ve heard it from several girls that I’ve dated and friends with benefits that will wanna kiss or feel like I’m not kissing as much. Guys get bored like after the first…like, I don’t wanna make out, you know? I wanna get down and dirty. I don’t wanna just, you know, hang out in my hallway and make out or go to a bar and make out.
KIRK: But that’s pretty sexy like on the first couple dates, isn’t it?
MIKE: It’s very sexy, yeah, it’s very sexy.
KIRK: Cuz you don’t know where it’s going and you…
MIKE: Yeah! It’s fucking great in the beginning.
KIRK: Don’t you love that, like?
MIKE: I love it in the beginning. I love it, love it.
KIRK: Making out in a car.
MIKE: Yeah, everywhere.
KIRK: Or like anywhere, but I mean, I’m just saying, like the idea of it’s really sexy.
MIKE: Yes, but.
KIRK: And when you see it in movies, it’s sexy.
MIKE: But yes, but it wears, it does wear off, like for guys I think, more so than with women, would you agree with me?
KIRK: Absolutely.
MIKE: Okay cool. But I’ve dated girls that, when you say like “Are you in sync?” or “How do you know you’re in sync?” I think as soon as I know I’m attracted to them and they say something funny? I’m like, alright that’s cool. But when you kiss a girl that sucks at kissing, when your first impression?
KIRK: Ugh.
MIKE: It’s brutal.
KIRK: Cuz then you know that everything else is related to that.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: It’s not just the kiss. It’s everything.
MIKE: Right, it’s bad.
KIRK: Do you find that certain things like just immediately hook you, like sexually? You’re just like, “This girl’s got it.”
MIKE: Great question, great question. And also, to add to that question, do you find anything that turns you off immediately?
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: But yeah, absolutely, things have turned me on. Usually if they’re wearing jeans that are creeping down a little low, and I see a little G-string or thong hanging out? Ka-ching.
KIRK: That works for you.
MIKE: That’s always a bonus. A shirt that shows part of their midriff, and they don’t have belly fat hanging over, that’s hot. Makeup but not too much makeup but done right. Or if they’re al naturale and they look fantastic and know they don’t need makeup, that’s fantastic as well.
KIRK: What about like physically, okay the lights are off and you don’t know what they look like. And it’s all touch. Is there anything that like freaks you out or gets you going? Like I mean, someone that you just bring home, you’ve never been with them before.
MIKE: A one-night stand then?
KIRK: Yeah, a one-night stand or it’s your first experience with them.
MIKE: Well if it’s my first experience with them, I like to keep a little low light going on or something or at least a light from outside.
KIRK: Mmhmm, you like to see it.
MIKE: Yeah, I gotta see what’s going on there.
KIRK: Yeah, I like to do it in the light. I don’t like pitch black.
MIKE: Yeah yeah, pitch black is not working for me.
KIRK: No.
MIKE: Unless, of course, now you’re back to a one-night stand and you been out at the bars way too long and you bring some animal that you’re just like “I wouldn’t introduce this to my worst enemy, let alone a family member.” But you’re just like “What the fuck? It’s 2 AM. The burrito place is already closed.”
KIRK: She’s probably seeing that about you.
MIKE: Totally. The burrito place is already closed so this is the next best thing. So you bring her into the sack, you go to town and have a good time. That’s okay, to be pitch dark. I think I’ve had some moments on my water bed in the 90s where that kind of activity took place.
KIRK: Oh my God. Cuz like, okay I’ll tell you what turns me off so big time. And I think this is probably universal, is when you take a chick home and she pretty much like lays on the bed and spreads it or whatever and says “Do me.” Like that’s the biggest turnoff for me. When they’re not active, they’re just laying there.
MIKE: And you know what, and I think I’ve actually giggled before. I know I have. Like when somebody’s laid down on the bed. I think I’ve definitely giggled, and it’s just like they’re surprised and I wanna just go “What the f…? What are you doing?” Like, take a little initiative for crying out loud.
KIRK: You say that?
MIKE: No that’s what I’m thinking. But I’ve definitely giggled, I mean, I’ve definitely…and they’ve looked at me like, “What’s going on?” and I’m just like “Ah, shit, I better turn on my…get my face going” thing. Otherwise, maybe this one is gonna maybe get up if she’s not too lazy and leave.
KIRK: Do you think you can like get past that moment?
MIKE: I mean, yeah, can you get past that moment to have sex with them? Yeah. But I mean, in the back of your mind, you’re sitting there going, “Holy shit, look at how lazy this person is.”
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Lazy lover? Ennnh.
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Lazy lover back. Can you get past it?
KIRK: No way, I can’t. I’d be like so turned off.
MIKE: Well it’s a turn off. But maybe, well, you know. I’ve also hopped on top of women who have laid like that, and then it turned out to be a fun ride. But…
KIRK: Yeah, well I guess you can get there eventually but it’s just like the idea of it. But guess what Mike? I guarantee you 100% that women feel the same thing about us.
MIKE: Oh yeah.
KIRK: I mean, like in other words, they want us to be active and aggressive, and they want us to like take charge and take initiative. You hear that so many times in magazines or on Oprah. They’re like “I want my man to take initiative.” You know what I mean?
MIKE: Right right right.
KIRK: They want the man to initiate, and men want the women to initiate. Like who wouldn’t love it if your girlfriend or wife or whatever said, “I’m going to go get my jammies on” and she goes and changes and she comes out in this awesome lingerie, right?
MIKE: Well yeah.
KIRK: And surprises you, wouldn’t that be cool?
MIKE: It’s great.
KIRK: Yeah, so I think that both parties want the other one to take initiative.
MIKE: Yeah, no, I would agree with you 100% on that. I mean, we’re just picking on specific examples because we can. I’m sure there’s some girl out there thinking about one night where she’d rather have a burrito, and I’m laying there going, and she’s sitting there going, “Wow, I’m stuck with this guy? I wish I had enough money to take a cab home.” But you know…
KIRK: It’s so funny how someone can perceive you. Like you, Mike, they can perceive you as like this awesome guy that’s like amazing. But then to someone else, you’re like this putz. You know what I mean?
MIKE: It’s true. It’s totally true.
KIRK: It’s like, it’s just weird how the different tastes work like that?
MIKE: Right, I tend to surround myself with the ones that think I’m awesome and amazing. The putz ones I try to weed out earlier.
KIRK: Pay them a few ten dollar bills on the side. But any other things physically that it’s just like a no go for you?
MIKE: I dated this chick who had like the worst halitosis.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah, and it progressively got worse.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah yeah. Now that was one that I found myself kissing less and less. And I dated her for awhile because the rest of the situation, I really dug. But it’s almost like an inside joke amongst my friends and her friends.
KIRK: Whoa.
MIKE: And nobody will tell her. Now, actually, it got me to the point where I would ask my buddies, I’d be like “Hey man, do I have bad breath?” Because I wish that somebody would tell her, and I didn’t have the balls to.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: I mean, would you tell a girl?
KIRK: I mean, yeah, you know what? Honestly, I think I would. I think I would.
MIKE: Alright, pretend I’m the girl. “Hey Kirk, I’m happy to see you.”
KIRK: I’d say, “Hey…”
MIKE: “It’s me, Lisa.”
KIRK: “It’s great to see you, and, you know, there’s something I wanted to ask you. Is there anything in your family history or anything? Cuz it seems like you have a different kind of, maybe, halitosis? I don’t know…”
MIKE: No, you wouldn’t! There’s no way in hell you’re going to get out of that one.
KIRK: Like no, first I’d start with dropping the hints, like “Hey, I just picked up some Scope at the store.”
MIKE: Like, when we’d be brushing our…I dated her for awhile. I dated her for over a year. Yeah, I mean, the Listerine was out, the Scope was out. Everything was out. And it was, I mean, it was bad. It still…you know, it’s been several years, and some of my buddies and I still talk about her.
KIRK: What was her diet like?
MIKE: Great eater, great body.
KIRK: Vegetables?
MIKE: Yeah, took care of herself.
KIRK: Wow. That’s so weird.
MIKE: I don’t know if she maybe jammed her finger down her throat a one too many times when she was a youth or something? I don’t know.
KIRK: What did it smell like? Like bad breath or vomit?
MIKE: It was just like fishy…
KIRK: OOH. Dude, that’s so gross.
MIKE: And the nickname became Death Breath. And I felt bad, you know, this was a situation where my friends didn’t bring it up until later.
KIRK: Why do you…you keep talking about your friends. What do they have to do with it? They smelled it?
MIKE: Yeah, nobody wanted to say anything.
KIRK: Just when they were like talking to her in the room?
MIKE: You know how you don’t wanna tell somebody that you’re gonna, you know, like “Hey, they broke up with their girlfriend,” and you say, “Wow, she was a douchebag,” and then they marry them?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, it was just like, nobody wanted to say something to me. Like I knew it was going on, but I was dealing with it.
KIRK: Oh my God. I would have, okay, maybe I couldn’t say it to the girl, but I would say “Hey Mike, you know, what’s up with her?” You know? Like maybe there’s something you can do about it.
MIKE: Right. So Kirk, now I’m your friend, Mike.
KIRK: Look up an Internet article, and then like just read it and go, “Yeah, my uncle has this halitosis, and this is a good way to cure it. Look, do all these things.”
MIKE: “My aunt. I got this Internet article. My aunt was talking about getting new boobs. You wanna read this?”
KIRK: No, but maybe it would be a good way to like break the ice on it.
MIKE: That’s a tough one, that’s a tough one.
KIRK: So you broke up with her because of it?
MIKE: No, I broke up with her because she was a bitch, but that didn’t help. Like later on…
KIRK: Well I guess that was her inner soul coming out then.
MIKE: Literally, her true colors started coming out in the form of a fish breath.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: But you know what’s funny is that I got a guy buddy that’s got a wee bit of the halitosis also that’s…
KIRK: Is it me?
MIKE: I swear to God, I swear it’s not you. But he’s another one where, you know, another buddy of mine who I can’t say anything to.
KIRK: Oh geez. I think it’s diet related.
MIKE: Probably.
KIRK: If you’re an MD out there, write us and tell us about it, alright?
MIKE: But you know, that’s like one of those things.
KIRK: Hm. That’s tough. So like I guess you spent a lot of time downstairs on her.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, there was a lot of doggie style in the relationship.
KIRK: Oh my God, man. Geez. Why was she a bitch?
MIKE: She was one of those people that “Everything’s me, me, me.”
KIRK: Oh I hate those people. It’s like a monologue. It’s like, instead of a dialogue where two people talk, it’s a monologue where they just…right?
MIKE: Let me give you an example…
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Of the beginning of a breakup, since this kind of falls under the same category. I was working at some studio where you happened to work, and I just got laid off. I think you probably remember when that was.
KIRK: Yes I do.
MIKE: And we went out, and I had been dating her for like 9 or 10 months at this point.
KIRK: Oh was she the girl there? She worked there?
MIKE: No, no, no, different girl.
KIRK: Not the swimsuit model?
MIKE: No, no, no, it was a different girl.
KIRK: Okay, go ahead. Sorry.
MIKE: You had to bring her up, hm. How’s she doing? Do you ever see her?
KIRK: I saw her at a New Years party once like a year ago but…
MIKE: Tall drink of water, man. That chick was taller than me.
KIRK: Seriously.
MIKE: And I’m 6’2.
KIRK: Not the smartest one, no.
MIKE: She’s kinda…
KIRK: Is she smart?
MIKE: She’s kinda smart.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Actually, yeah.
KIRK: She had a vacant look.
MIKE: She had a vacant look, but she was smarter than she looked.
KIRK: Wow, alright. I take it back, I take it back.
MIKE: Yeah, no she was actually pretty smart. But, no, this one you actually know.
KIRK: What do you mean?
MIKE: Yeah, when we both worked at that studio and I got laid off, that day I went to lunch with her, and I just remembered, I was a little bit distraught. And I sat down with her and I go, “You’re not going to believe this, but I got laid off.” And she looks at me and the first thing she said to me was, “Really? What am I supposed to tell my friends and family?”
KIRK: No!
MIKE: I swear to God, and I sat there for a second, and I was just like “I don’t give a fuck what you tell your friends and family. What am I going to tell my friends and family?”
KIRK: Oh my God. Jesus. And it could be a great thing, like maybe you got laid off and you’re going onto something amazing. What the hell?
MIKE: Well it actually did turn out for the better eventually, but it was stuff like that was the reason that that one ended.
KIRK: Oh my God. Wow. Like you’re totally bummed out and she’s like “What about me?”
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And we had also planned a trip to go on vacation together, and she wanted to go to Hawaii. I’m like “Ehhh,” and she goes, “But I’ll settle for Cabo.” And even though I’m broke, it was just like, “We gotta go on this trip.”
KIRK: She did it to like, you know, force you into a corner.
MIKE: She did, and we went on the trip. And now I’m thinking about something else. We went on the trip to Mexico, and I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Mexico, but I got, you know, Montezuma’s Revenge. So it was a four day trip. Two days in, I’m sick as a dog. And I mean, sick from every angle.
KIRK: She didn’t get it?
MIKE: She didn’t get it, and she was upset with me because I was too sick to go hang out. And if you get this, dude, like, you are sick.
KIRK: Yeah, I’ve had it. Believe me.
MIKE: The point being is, she was upset with me that I was sick. And so, and I literally was bedridden for over a day. And as she was getting dolled up to go out on a Saturday night, and I couldn’t shower and I had worse breath than her at this point, she was upset because I had been puking for about twelve hours or thirteen hours at that point.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And I couldn’t get it together to go out on a Saturday night.
KIRK: Yeah, Mike, come on, what’s wrong with you?
MIKE: We broke up when we got back from Mexico, but it was one of those things where you’re just like “Jesus.” Even the next day, I apologized for ruining her vacation.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Cuz I’d heard while I was sick that I was ruining her vacation.
KIRK: Oh God.
MIKE: That was the caliber of what I was dealing with.
KIRK: Well no wonder she had halitosis. It was her inside spewing out, no joke. Like what a bitch.
MIKE: Yeah, like she would have gotten Montezuma’s Revenge.
KIRK: I should go send her some hate mail.
MIKE: Yeah, do that. And some gum.
KIRK: Okay, well, halitosis is definitely on our list of things that can ruin a relationship. On that note, why don’t we go to the women on the street and see what they have to say?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Change gears here, cuz that’s kinda creeping me out.
MIKE: Let’s find out, let’s get some women in here. Let’s find out what they have to say.

–ASK A GUY–

KRISTEN: Hi, I’m Kristen, and what I wanna know is, when a guy first starts dating a woman, is it considered loose if she, on the first date or so, they go back to her house, or should she go to his house? What do you guys think about that?
MIKE: Haha. That’s an interesting one. You always wanna stay at my place.
KIRK: Is that right?
MIKE: Yeah, actually.
KIRK: How many dates is it until like you allow a girl to bring her toothbrush there?
MIKE: Oh, Kristen didn’t ask that one.
KIRK: Well that’s part of it.
MIKE: Alright, alright.
KIRK: You meet a girl. How many dates until she can actually bring a toothbrush? Because when you bring a toothbrush, then you actually, you need something else, you need some jammies. And then it starts a whole new thing.
MIKE: Yeah, I would say two, three months.
KIRK: Until she can bring her toothbrush there.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Cuz usually what happens after like the second time they’ve been over at your place, they leave earrings or you know. Stuff just starts accumulating.
KIRK: Yeah, oh my God. You know what I would have said? If I was single, which I’m not, but if I were?
MIKE: Two years?
KIRK: Dude, no, I would have said like three or four days?
MIKE: Are you serious?
KIRK: I mean, like, by the time you start going out with them? Yeah, I would have been like…cuz you start…
MIKE: By the time they start sleeping over at your place, three or four days?
KIRK: Right. Yeah. Three or four days after they sleep at your place, the pajamas…
MIKE: To leave at your place?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: No.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: No, no, no, no.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But then again, well, here’s where we’re different. I mean.
KIRK: I’m a homebody.
MIKE: Well, you also jump right in, like you said. You’re serious, monogamous, right off the bat.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: You see a girl that you want, you want her to be your girlfriend right away.
KIRK: Yeah, well, I’m not like that needy, Mike. Jesus.
MIKE: No, it’s not that needy. Did that sound needy? I’m sure the women out there love it.
KIRK: No, I have been always monogamous. Even in high school or whatever, I would date one girl a long time, and then I would break up with her, and I would date a different girl a long time. And I’ve never, this is going to sound crazy to you, but in my entire life, I’ve never had a one-night stand. I swear to God.
MIKE: No, because I know you, I believe that. But that is crazy to me.
KIRK: Like, well, this is personal, but you wanna know why?
MIKE: Uh…yeah.
KIRK: Because I can’t get it up unless I know the girl.
MIKE: Is that a fact?
KIRK: I swear to God.
MIKE: That’s a major, major revelation.
KIRK: I swear to God. Like I just, like if I don’t know her and I haven’t seen her in awhile, like a few times, I know, I’m telling ya. And it’s screwed up a lot of relationships cuz one girl thought I was gay. This girl, I had this pen pal girl for years. And we wrote back and forth. She lived in Pennsylvania. I flew out there once in a while, and it was all like, you know, puppy love, whatever. And then it started to get serious, and then she was with me, and like, I just couldn’t do it cuz it was like, you know, our first night physically together, naked. But I just like, I couldn’t go there.
MIKE: But you knew her though.
KIRK: I know, I knew her. But I didn’t like know her physically, you know? And I just, and we had just done like emotional stuff, like writing letters and stuff like that.
MIKE: So the times you went to Pennsylvania, you never hooked up with her?
KIRK: No, we just ran around. Checked out art exhibits and…
MIKE: Was there any like…sexual tension?
KIRK: Yeah, I was fine to like make out, like you know, making out and stuff, that was fine.
MIKE: Right right right.
KIRK: But when it came to being naked, it takes me awhile.
MIKE: Interesting.
KIRK: I know, like you think I’m like a crybaby.
MIKE: I don’t know if you’re a crybaby. That’s an interesting story.
KIRK: Yeah, so I never bring a girl home from a bar, because I was always terrified that things wouldn’t work right, you know what I mean?
MIKE: So when did you find this out? You must have tried…?
KIRK: I tried several times, and like I could never make it work. I guess it was just too much pressure or I felt like intimidated. So this girl from Pennsylvania, she was totally cute. Like super worthy of any guy’s, you know, attention.
MIKE: I’m sure.
KIRK: And so she was so offended when I couldn’t make things happen. She thought I was gay. Like she seriously thought I was gay. And I was like, “No I’m not gay, I promise.” And like, how can you, you can’t explain that to someone, you know?
MIKE: No, that’s true. I agree with you on that.
KIRK: She was like, “I’m a naked chick. I’m here. Like, what’s wrong?” And I’m like, “Well, it’s our first time.”
MIKE: Well, it’s like you say, Kirk. There is a lot of pressure. I mean, I know women that feel pressure, guys that feel pressure.
KIRK: Yeah, like how it’s gonna go and everything.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, guys know that women joke that like…and guys joke about lasting like two minutes.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: No guy wants to be that guy. And I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there like that.
KIRK: Yeah, so that’s trippy, huh?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean, when you explain it like that, it’s not that trippy.
KIRK: No, I’m glad to hear you say that. It makes me feel more like, I don’t know, it seems so unmanly, you know? That you can’t just bring a girl home and bang the shit out of her. I mean. To me, I was always ashamed of that.
MIKE: Well, there’s also something, you know, I’ve definitely had one night stands with women where, you know, you bang the shit out of them, and then I’d like find myself staring at myself in the mirror going, “What the fuck did you just do?” You know? Because it’s like, I don’t really know them, you know, met them in a bar, we’ve hung out all night, we’ve had a great time, we just had a great time being naked, and now you’re just crashing in my bed, and we’re gonna…
KIRK: How do you know? Just pretty much, after you do it, then it’s like “Okay, see ya”? I mean, how does that work? Or do you sleep until the morning?
MIKE: Well, sometimes, I mean sometimes, I’ve thought that, “Hey, you know, this person’s awesome,” and then like, you know, we go to sleep at 4 in the morning or whatever it is. And I wake up and they’re gone, and that was it.
KIRK: That was it?
MIKE: And that’s when you really feel like a douchebag.
KIRK: Oh my God. That would feel weird.
MIKE: That is kind of weird.
KIRK: And you don’t ever hear from them again or like no phone calls or anything?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: That’s so weird. That’s classic.
MIKE: I’ll tell you a weird story, speaking of one night stands.
KIRK: A classic one night stand.
MIKE: A few years ago, I was hanging out in Santa Monica on a Sunday night when I met this schoolteacher who was really cool and asked me to walk her home. She didn’t live that far away, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. And I thought she was pretty cool. She invites me in, and we’re hanging out, and I’m not thinking anything. And she goes into the bathroom and she comes out of the bathroom in just a bra and panties. I’m like, holy fuck. Kick ass body.
KIRK: What is it about schoolteachers?
MIKE: I don’t know, dude, but class was in session, hello!
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And we ended up…
KIRK: Hot for teacher!
MIKE: Hot for teacher. We ended up getting down, and she had an orgasm relatively quick and then got up, and goes, “You gotta get the fuck out of my place.”
KIRK: What the hell?
MIKE: And I’m like, huh?
KIRK: Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee.
MIKE: Totally.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: And she’s like, “I just broke up with my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be doing this.”
KIRK: It’s the guilt thing. Once they come, it’s the guilt. That’s why they leave at four in the morning and all that. It’s like, once they…it’s just, you know?
MIKE: Good point, good point, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, like once the lust factor is gone, then it’s all about like guilt and shame and like “Oh my God, you know, what am I doing? I don’t know this person,” right?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean, so I’m kinda taking my time getting dressed as she like threw on a robe. And she’s like waiting for me at the door, and I’m kinda smiling to myself as I’m taking my time getting dressed. And I walk by her and I go, “So.” I pull out a piece a paper. I’m like “I guess I won’t be needing this,” and I tore up the phone number and just dropped it on the ground and left.
KIRK: Whoa.
MIKE: But it was such a, I just remember walking out, and I was kinda giggling to myself, like “Did this really just happen?”
KIRK: Oh my God, wow that’s amazing. So Kristen, we’re talking about…her question was what again? We digress.
MIKE: Kristen’s question was, do you prefer staying at your place or mine?
KIRK: Oh yeah. Well, what do you think about going to a chick’s place? I mean.
MIKE: Well if it was like this chick that I was just telling you about, I don’t wanna go there again. Well maybe I’ll do, and I’ll just leave early.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: No, I think it’s alright. It’s fun. I’m more of a homebody, personally?
KIRK: But don’t you think they think the same thing? It’s like their own territory. Everybody wants to be in their own territory. They feel more comfortable. They feel more, you know, in their own space.
MIKE: That producer girl that you were talking about earlier that you met at my birthday party, I never saw her place, and I dated her—or was buddies with her—for like five or six months, on and off, more probably, on and off over the course of a year. And she would always come to my place.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: She lived in the valley.
KIRK: Yeah, but that’s no excuse.
MIKE: It’s a big excuse.
KIRK: That’s where I live man, this place rocks! Well anyway, when do you move in with a girl? Like literally move in? Or do you move in?
MIKE: Well if it’s you, it’s four or five days. When it’s me…
KIRK: No, no, no. What I said was, they can bring their pajamas in four or five days.
MIKE: Well, when I moved in with Julie, we dated a year. But after about six or seven months, I said “Hey, I’m going to LA, you wanna go?” And we ended up moving in together.
KIRK: So that’s the first time.
MIKE: That’s the last time that I’ve lived with a girl.
KIRK: I think that’s smart.
MIKE: I think it’s very smart.
KIRK: One thing, here’s what I know for sure. Unless you’re married, I think it’s better to not live with the person, you know? I really do. Just date them, you know? Like when I met Pamela, we were like, love at first sight. We were all over each other, but we said we’re just not going to live together until we get married. And so that’s what we did, and it worked out great.
MIKE: Clearly.
KIRK: Okay, let’s hear another question. Ready, Mike?
MIKE: Yep.
KIRK: So Martina writes in on email, and she says, “What’s your idea of a romantic weekend getaway?”
MIKE: An ideal romantic weekend. You know what, I’m not that romantic.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: You know, no.
KIRK: Here’s the thing. Maybe you have to be in a long term relationship to have those romantic weekend getaways, you know? So like, I’m married, and it’s just like, you know, you work all the time, and then you have a weekend, and it feels great to charge your batteries and everything. And I think it’s the same in relationships. You pretty much like have your daily life and your daily grind, and you have your kids, and you’ve got the dog, and you’re running out the door and all that stuff, and I think sometimes you just need the grownups, you know, the husband and wife to just chill out and reconnect with why they’re together in the first place. It helps us a lot. We do it about, I don’t know, once every six weeks. We take a weekend.
MIKE: Wow.
KIRK: It’s just fun, you know, to get out of your normal city. And we’ll go to like, maybe 50 to 100 miles away. We’ll go down to like Orange County and hang out at the beach or go north to Ventura. Or, we’ve been to San Francisco, just local trips, you know?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: We flew to Nashville one time. That was fun. Like Pamela likes to get somewhere and just sit in a bathtub, that’s all she wants to do.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And I like to just, well, if I go north, I like to go surfing while she’s sitting in the bathtub or whatever. And then we go out to a nice dinner and.
MIKE: Well, I think romantic getaways that are more, you know, I guess I like to look at them kinda like you’re saying. Like if you’re in a long term relationship, and you’re with someone constantly. It’s a chance to, it’s a getaway.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: It’s a getaway from your everyday situation. You know, I date people but I don’t live with them. So I’m constantly getting away from them.
KIRK: That’s true.
MIKE: Or they’re constantly getting away from me. I go on trips with girls that I’m dating for the weekend. And actually, I’m going on a trip with a girl for a week to Chicago, and I don’t know if I would file that under romantic getaway though.
KIRK: Well it’s more like spending time with her because you don’t live with her. I mean, I guess you’re right. You have to live with the person in order to have a romantic getaway.
MIKE: That’s what it feels like to me.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I mean, I don’t know what a girl would say.
KIRK: Otherwise, it’s just a date, right?
MIKE: It would feel like that.
KIRK: I mean, we have fun. Like, Pamela doesn’t just stay in the bathtub the whole time. Then like, you know, when she’s not doing that, we go and do things together, like, you know, it sounds so stupid and cliché, but like walk on the beach. It sounds really stupid and cliché, I’m sorry, but.
MIKE: Nah, you know what? That’s fun though. I like doing that with girls.
KIRK: Plus, like, honest to God. The sex is better too, which is awesome.
MIKE: You got any pictures? I mean.
KIRK: Yeah, I’ll put them on the Internet.
MIKE: Oh, sweet, good. So, that was great. Next week, we’ll have another segment for “Ask a Guy.”
KIRK: You know what? The more I think about this show, the more that I think it’s unlimited, the number of subjects that we could talk about, especially for women. Like I could think about women all day.
MIKE: I could go on and on about women too. So until the next time…
KIRK: Thanks for coming, everyone!
MIKE: Yeah, thanks for listening.
KIRK: Alright, we appreciate it. Buh-bye.
MIKE: Bye.