A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

Copyright TAHC, LLC - All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE SIX

July 15, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

MIKE: Hi, welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And it’s what men really say about women.
MIKE: Yes it is. And we’re going to talk about them tonight.
KIRK: And you know, in case you’re wondering, it’s a really, really long URL. There’s been some confusion. The show is called “A Fly in the Wall,” and the subtitle is “What Men Really Say About Women.” But it’s just for the search engines. We had to, you know, use that because “A Fly in the Wall” was already taken. And also, hey, you guys might not know this, but me and Mike don’t see each other during the week. In fact, I haven’t seen him all week. And plus, he had a week off, so that’s two weeks.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And we’re sorry for the delay in getting back here. I know it’s been a long, long time. But when he walks in the door right now, that’s the first time I’ve seen him since you’ve heard him.
MIKE: Right, and it’s really good to see you, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, thanks, Mike. You look great. Mike’s over here in shorts, and he’s got the some kind of puka shell…no.
MIKE: It is actually puka shells.
KIRK: He’s looking real Californian over here.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. And Kirk’s looking pretty Californian too. He’s got some Levis on, some shoes, and a button down shirt with some sort of leafy pattern.
KIRK: Yeah, it’s not a Hawaiian shirt. It’s like a Thai shirt.
MIKE: But you’re looking good. It’s been a couple weeks.
KIRK: Thanks a lot, Mike. Don’t get too close to me.
MIKE: Yeah, I’ll stay over here.
KIRK: Oh God, what’s going on? You just got back from Chicago. When we talked last time, you were leaving to Chicago.
MIKE: That’s right.
KIRK: So what was up?
MIKE: I brought Jenny to Chicago and…
KIRK: What was your intention to bring her there? Like why did you want to do it?
MIKE: Well, you know what, we’d been hanging out for a couple months now, and she went to college there at Northwestern University, and she hadn’t been back there in a long time.
KIRK: So was it more or less like a big date to go there or was it more like you wanted to go there to introduce her to people that you care about?
MIKE: You know, I’m pretty laidback about stuff like that. I’ve brought other girls home to Chicago. In fact, I’ve brought two other girls back. And in both instances, they thought it was a bigger deal than I thought it was. Actually, I brought three girls back. And now four with Jenny. But I always try and keep it casual because my family’s so casual.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: And I also don’t want them thinking that hey, just because we’re making a trip 2000 miles away, you’re going to be seeing any kind of ring anytime soon. Cuz that is not the case.
KIRK: Right, I mean you just started dating this girl.
MIKE: Right, but right. Well, yeah, I’ve brought other girls that I’ve dated a few months back also because it’s a fun city, and I’ve got a fun family and friends.
KIRK: Well also, it’s your turf. It’s like, you know the drill there. You know all the cool places, right? So it’s kind of, you can show off a little.
MIKE: Right, exactly. But in a lot of cases, though, women get the wrong idea, or I shouldn’t say women get the wrong idea, but a lot of women get the idea that “Oh if you’re going to meet the family, it’s this huge ordeal and family and friends, and it’s like the beginning of the end of your bachelorhood.” And that’s completely not the case with me.
KIRK: So you just go there to have fun with them, show them around.
MIKE: Exactly. And I actually stress three out of the four that I remember, because the first one that I went there with was about five years ago. And she definitely, her and her friends definitely thought that she was on the fast track to getting married.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: And you didn’t know that?
MIKE: No, I was totally…
KIRK: Someone should clue you in.
MIKE: I know, I was clued in after.
KIRK: You’re getting married.
MIKE: Her friends started going “Whoa!” You know that bullshit that’s like, “Whoa, so you’re bringing Lisa back to meet the family.” And I was like “No, it’s no biggie.” “Yeah, sure it’s not, Mike.” And you know what, I was like “No, it’s not a big deal.” But for her and her friends, it was.
KIRK: Wow, they read between the lines.
MIKE: Yeah, but, between the lines is “No, I’m not getting married.” But, as we can see, she was the first of four to come back. But after her, I told the other ones right up front, like “Listen, I know how some people think that meeting the family and meeting the friends is a huge, huge deal. It’s not to me, so I don’t want it to be like misconstrued as ‘Hey this is like this huge thing.’ Because it’s really not.”
KIRK: And you’re there a week. It seems like at some point you would start to get on each other’s nerves, cuz you only have like the one space. Is that a fair assessment?
MIKE: Well, Kirk, you know how it is. The first couple months of dating, you’re kind of in this phase where life is great and even if you are on my nerves, we’ll never know.
KIRK: Yeah, because it’s so hot and exciting.
MIKE: Right, so truth is. We’re still hanging out, and things are going well.
KIRK: Great, wow, so you made it back okay in one piece.
MIKE: Made it back, yeah, alright and in one piece.
KIRK: Nice.
MIKE: And it was a great time.
KIRK: Wow, good for you.
MIKE: Yeah, so I’m probably bringing it to the next level. I’m glad I introduced her to my parents. Now I can marry her.
KIRK: Riiight.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Actually, Mike, that brings up a point that I wanted to ask you about before. I forget if we were talking on mic or it was another show or something, but you said that the older you get, the more you don’t like hanging out with someone all the time. I mean, you said that, you know, you like hanging out by yourself.
MIKE: Yeah, the more time you have to yourself, it’s kind of nice.
KIRK: Yeah, I mean I think it’s about the compatibility. Cuz you know what’s weird about me and Pamela is that when we’re apart, like let’s say we’re apart for two or three days. Someone has a gig somewhere, or they go to, you know, some relative’s house or whatever. After a couple days, we just start missing each other so much, and it’s like those old couples. We’re not old, but it’s like those old couples that, they wear the same little tennis outfits or whatever. You know, they dress the same and look the same, we’re kind of like that in a way. We’re just jonesing for each other after a couple days.
MIKE: Right, right.
KIRK: Cuz that’s like our whole dynamic, you know? We’re really best friends. And we love to be with each other.
MIKE: I think that’s a good point. I mean, I’ve lived with somebody, and I do remember having that kind of, I do remember having those feelings. I think it’s also like, I could be wrong, but it’s like when you have a kid. Like I don’t know what it’s like to have a kid. People that have kids are just like, “Oh my God, this is amazing, it changed my life. I can’t imagine it without it.” And I kind of can’t imagine one in my life.
KIRK: Yeah, do you ever see yourself, I mean, do you have that longing, like, “Hey, you know, when I’m a certain age, I want to settle down” or no?
MIKE: No, I don’t think I look at it like that. I think what’s been happening to me in the last couple of years is that I feel like I’ve been slowing down a little bit in wanting to date as much. I was out a couple weeks ago on a guy’s night out, and I’m not one of those dudes that has to go, “Oh, do I still have it?” And I definitely know those guys. There’s guys I know that have been married for a couple years, and they’re very bored. And they don’t get out that often, and when they’re out, they try to go hog wild. And it’s usually more embarrassing to watch than it is anything else. But this girl actually runs a segway shop. You know those?
KIRK: Oh yeah, those scooter things?
MIKE: Those little two-wheel scooter things. So, I’m hanging out at this bar with these guys, and she comes up to me and starts talking to me. And my buddies know Jenny, you know, and they know that I’m into it. But they also know that I can be a little flirty, and so the segway chick starts talking to me about the segway and da da da da da.
KIRK: She’s trying to sell you on the freaking segway?
MIKE: No, no, no. This is amongst other things she’s talking about. And she’s like “Why don’t we go for a ride?” And I’m, “You know.”
KIRK: Both of you on one segway?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: They can’t even hold two people, can they?
MIKE: To people who don’t know what a segway is, it’s like a…what would it be Kirk?
KIRK: Well it’s like a two-wheel upright. You’ve probably seen it. It used to be called the It Machine. They had it on the ABC News and all that. It’s a two-wheeled upright thing. We’re put a picture of it on our website, okay?
MIKE: Perfect. Nice. And put a picture of a hot chick and me on it. And Kirk will attest to this, I’m very clumsy when it’s not organized sports, so I’ve tried waterskiing in the past with Kirk, and I had a lot of trouble. But so I figured I’m probably going to break this segway.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And she’s like “No, no, no, I’m not gonna let you ride it alone.” And I’m like “Okay.” So she’s like, you know, “Hop on the back. We’ll cruise around first.” And this is down by the Santa Monica Pier. So this girl had a…she was a little healthier, but she had a huge rack. So I’m wrapping my arms around her waist, right on her tits, just like holding on for dear life. Because I’m a pretty big guy, and she was probably about 5’7, 5’8. So she’s tooling around on this thing. Now this thing moves to your every motion, so it’s like being on a motorcycle only more sensitive. So again, me being clumsy. She’s yelling at me to stand in one position.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE:
So it’s all clumsy, and like you know she…
KIRK: Does the thing drive? I mean, can you drive?
MIKE: Have you not been on one?
KIRK: Not with two people. I mean, I’ve never actually been on one. But I’ve seen them. I can’t imagine.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. It drives with two people, but you know, she’s running it, and it runs on your body control. So like, you know, you lean forward and back. Right exactly. So she keeps leaning back, and I’m like dry humping her. And then she leans forward, and my hands fly up and grab her tits and stuff. And she’s making little comments along the way, clearly not bothering her.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: And I’m just holding on so I don’t die. And then we switched, and I’m running it, and she’s like running her hands all over me.
KIRK: Are you serious? Was she drunk?
MIKE: She was a little buzzed. Definitely. Definitely.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Two buzzed adults on a segway.
KIRK: Was she dressed hot?
MIKE: No, you know what, it’s a little beach bar.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: So, and they have the segway shop right there.
KIRK: Oh funny.
MIKE: So she came down from there, you know, it was cute. You know, tank top and shorts.
KIRK: Yeah, that’s so funny.
MIKE: It was funny, so.
KIRK: So how did you get out of it?
MIKE: Well we segwayed back to the bar, and that was my segway to end talking to her.
KIRK: Dang, man.
MIKE: How’s that for a segway?
KIRK: You know what, Mike, we gotta take a quick break, and then we come back.
MIKE: Nice.
KIRK: I want to ask you about bachelor parties, alright? Because something came up, and I just want to run it by you.

–COMMERCIAL—

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–INTERLUDE–

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.
Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.
Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.
Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.
Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.
Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.
Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.
Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.
Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.
Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.
Guy #11: Somebody funny.
Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

–SEGMENT 2-

MIKE: Welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re glad you stuck around for the break there. We wanted to get into this thing about bachelor parties.
MIKE: Yes we do.
KIRK: You know, I got invited to, you know Mark, right?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: So, I got invited to his bachelor party. Did you?
MIKE: No, I didn’t. Did you get invited to his wedding?
KIRK: It was a while ago. But yeah, it was like far away. I hate when people have weddings far away. We have friends that are having their wedding in Thailand, and it’s like, “I can’t get to Thailand.” You know? But anyway, so, I actually declined to go to the bachelor party even though he’s a really good friend of mine.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: Because I just felt like, I’m done. I don’t want to go there and like see naked chicks, you know, grinding and all that. I don’t know. It’s bizarre to me that you’re going to get married, the night that you’re going to get married, and you’re supposed to be trusting and loving with this person and monogamous. And then you’re going to like go and screw around with these topless chicks or naked chicks or whatever.
MIKE: You know what, Kirk. I 100% actually agree with you.
KIRK: You’re kidding.
MIKE: No, I swear to God. And I know you find that fascinating.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Let me ask you this first. Did you ever like bachelor parties?
KIRK: Well, I never did. I mean, I never liked nudey bars or anything like that. I just don’t really dig it that much.
MIKE: Cuz I know you and I have different points of view on a lot of things. I mean, did you, I can appreciate a bachelor party and getting crazy and having strippers and stuff like that. Did you ever appreciate that kind of thing?
KIRK: No, I never did.
MIKE: Okay. What I can’t appreciate is, like you’re saying, some guy screwing a hooker the night before he’s getting married. That I find very, very bizarre.
KIRK: Or even getting like all worked up and getting a woody and everything. You know, the night before he’s going to get married. I mean, you know?
MIKE: Well, getting a woody…
KIRK: I mean, just like full-on lust, you know? Full-on lust.
MIKE: I’ve got no problem with that.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: Because you can have full-on lust at the office. I mean, you know, that’s just a natural reaction sometimes to humans being human.
KIRK: But it’s more like you’re seeking it out. You’re like going to this party, and you’re like working it out with the stripper and everything, you know what I mean? She gives you a lap dance or something. You pay her, you know?
MIKE: It’s such a tradition in marriages that that doesn’t bother me. Crossing the line to me…like if a nude chick’s dancing on a guy, and he’s in his underwear, and everybody’s laughing and having fun. That doesn’t bother me at all.
KIRK: Right. Cuz that group thing. It’s kind of almost like watching a movie.
MIKE: Exactly. It’s like as cliché as you hear some dumb actor talking about like “Oh, it was really uncomfortable for me to fuck Michelle Pfeiffer in a movie.”
KIRK: Okay, well, that’s a good point.
MIKE: To me, it falls into that category.
KIRK: That’s a good point.
MIKE: Because I’ve actually been in that chair. I’ve been at bachelor parties where I’ve sat down, and I’ve got, you know, lap dances. And I’ve been in strip joints. And I’m with you. I’m not a big strip joint guy at all.
KIRK: No, huh?
MIKE: No, not at all.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Here’s my reasoning.
KIRK: See what I learn? I’m really surprised, man. God, I thought you were this Casanova, like, you know, no holds barred.
MIKE: Here’s my issue with strip joints. I’d rather do my own leg work and pick up chicks in bars that are hot instead of getting hit on and paying strippers to dance for me and I’m not going to get any action. And I think I read like that, because here’s something that’s kind of interesting. The last two strip joints that I’ve…Let me back up though, unless I’m going to a strip bar with a group of people that like include girlfriends or girls that are friends of mine, because I do enjoy going to strip bars with girls. Because girls that like going to strip bars, it adds a little something to their character.
KIRK: Yeah, and it’s also doing something together with them instead of…it’s not like you’re doing something secret at lunchtime where you go off to the strip joint. It’s like you’re bringing them there, you know?
MIKE: Right. Have you and Pam…Has Pamela ever been to a strip joint?
KIRK: She probably has. She’s a pretty wild one. She’s a lot wilder than I am. Sorry, Pamela. But no, she’s pretty wild. But, I don’t know. I think it would depend. Maybe sometime she would have in the past. But now that we’re kind of in sync, it’s kind of like, we don’t need to go there, you know?
MIKE: Would you ever do something like that with her?
KIRK: I can ask her. I’ll ask her and see if she wants to do it.
MIKE: Well, would you want to do it?
KIRK: I think it’d be good if we went together. But I’d never want to go there by myself. Maybe if she went, it’d be cool. I mean, it wouldn’t necessarily appeal to me right off the bat, but just being with her and being in a weird environment like that would be kind of fun.
MIKE: Right. You know, strip joints, bachelor parties, and you know, guys that have been married for like ten, fifteen years that are miserable in their marriages that get a free pass to go to the city to see some of their old single buddies.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: And they go crazy and hog wild trying to pick up some chicks. They all kind of fall under the same category to me. They’re all the same kind of guys. Actually, most of the time, they’re just guys that have settled with somebody.
KIRK: That’s a really good point. I agree 100%.
MIKE: And you know, for whatever reason, they wanted to have kids, they thought they couldn’t get anyone else, they were young, blah blah blah.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: This was the best that it was going to get, and they wanted to build a home together? I don’t know. I’ve been to a bunch of bachelor parties, and I’ve been out…being my age, you know, I’m in my 30s. I’ve seen a bunch of guys that have been married for a while now come down and visit other single guys and friends of my own that get out of the house, and it’s like “Okay, let’s see what’s out there. What can I get?” And it’s actually appalling to me.
KIRK: Wow, Mike, I’m so proud of you. I’m really, that makes me feel good about you.
MIKE: What did you feel about me before?
KIRK: Well, I don’t know. I just thought like anything went with you, you know? I mean, I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just meant that you’re just such a guy’s guy, you know? You’re like the football lover, baseball guy. You know?
MIKE: Right, but you know.
KIRK: Single.
MIKE: I do have a couple morals.
KIRK: No, I know. I didn’t mean it like that.
MIKE: No, I’m kidding, Kirk.
KIRK: I’m telling you, no, it just makes me feel good cuz I feel the same way. Cuz with bachelor parties, I think what would be really cool is to get together with your buddies and go for a parachute dive. Or do something cool that’s like a buddy bonding thing and not like a gross out, you know, sexual thing against your fiancé.
MIKE: Well, let me tell you some of the bachelor party experiences that I’ve seen. Do we have time for this?
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: Okay. My sister got married when she was 25. She lived at home until she got married, and my brother-in-law is…my sister and my brother-in-law are very straight laced. My brother-in-law has two brothers. Great guys, great family. But they wanted to throw him a bachelor party, and my sister was having a fit about it. And it was a big—I didn’t realize this, my mom told me this—and it was this big to-do. And you know, my sister doesn’t know what went on at the bachelor party. Nor will she ever, cuz she’ll never know about this how.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: Not much went on. But there was a stripper, but it was a very tasteful stripper, I might add. Nobody groped the stripper.
KIRK: It was just for looks. Just looking.
MIKE: It was just for looks. You know, a couple guys having beers. We had a nice time talking, hanging out. It was very tame and very fun. It was actually very fun. We ended up all hanging out in a room talking.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Another bachelor party I went to was a buddy of mine who, they got a stripper who was using double-penetrating dildos on herself.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And…
KIRK: A real classy kind?
MIKE: A real classy kind. She was super hot. But the father-in-law-to-be? My buddy’s dad and him were all there, and they all went down on this chick.
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Swear to God.
KIRK: They had to be so drunk.
MIKE: That was the first time I had seen that.
KIRK: Damn, man.
MIKE: That was the first time. First the groom goes down for a lick. And I’m like “Holy fuck,” And I’m sitting there looking at his father and his father-in-law. And then this chick is roping in the father-in-law.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Father-in-law goes down. I’m like “What the fuck.” And they’re all kind of, you know, these guys are both married for like 25, 30 years. 30, 35 years.
KIRK: Oh geez.
MIKE: And they got that little smirk on their face.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Now, you know, that to me is just so wrong. I can’t even begin to tell you.
KIRK: God. I’m glad to hear you say that. And how about this? Just stupid things I think about, but those guys, all their saliva is touching down there?
MIKE: Tell me about it.
KIRK: The whole thing just sounds…
MIKE: It’s fucking nasty.
KIRK: Sounds so nasty.
MIKE: It was just nasty. It was nasty. And then this other dude’s, you know, throwing bills on her stomach so they can go down and give her a lick.
KIRK: God, man.
MIKE: It’s just like, of all the things, man, lick me, not…you know?
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: So that one was…I mean.
KIRK: Did she have like a big bouncer there or something? I mean…
MIKE: She did have a bouncer, yeah.
KIRK: Man, cuz that could get out of hand.
MIKE: She was super hot, I mean, she was gorgeous.
KIRK: Sure.
MIKE: And you’re looking at her and you’re like, “Holy moly.”
KIRK: You could still be plenty gorgeous and have gonorrhea, man, I mean.
MIKE: In fact, I ordered a calendar from her.
KIRK: Jesus, Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah, so those are the two extremes.
KIRK: That’s a good one. What’s the third one?
MIKE: Well, the third one, I actually in my youth, I organized. One of my good buddies who I lived with, he actually worked in the Foreign Service. And he asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding. And when you’re 23, like I didn’t know my head from my ass, you know? And I gotta be the best man, you know? It’s like, I didn’t even know what to get for a wedding gift. Like a CD or, you know?
KIRK: A CD?
MIKE: I got no money. I got no concept of what’s going on.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But all he kept telling me was. And this buddy of mine had never been with an American girl. And he’s like, “All I want are two strippers, Dyke and Al. That’s all I want.” And I’m like “Dude.”
KIRK: Just to watch it?
MIKE: Yeah, just to watch it.
KIRK: Okay, alright.
MIKE: And I’m like “Dude, that’s a tall order, man.” I mean, you know, his wedding was small. He didn’t know a ton of people in town still because he’d been gone for so long. And you know, I gotta put together this thing in a bar basement.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And I gotta round up, you know, 10 guys that are all going to throw in like 50 bucks apiece for beer, and like. On our budget, I had a good buddy that happens to know like where to find strippers and hookers, and I called him to be the go-to guy. And he was like, “What’s our budget?” And I was like, “I think we have 300, 400 bucks for two chicks for like an hour.” Which is nothing.
KIRK: Oh yeah.
MIKE: And so he’s like, “Alright, I’ll handle it.” And he’s like, “But I gotta let you know, they’re not going to be top quality.” And I’m like “Dude…”
KIRK: Dude, you’re scaring me.
MIKE: I know.
KIRK: You’re scaring me.
MIKE: And all I kept telling my buddy was, I’m like, “Dude, are you sure you want two or do you want one that’s pretty hot?” And he’s like, “No, no, two, two.”
KIRK: He likes the girl on girl. That’s his whole thing.
MIKE: Yeah. He just wanted the girl on girl.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: He’s 23 and he’s done for life. So we actually, amongst my group of friends, we have a ball and chain, we have a bowling ball on a chain that we actually lock to your ankle when you get married. So you gotta drag this thing around on top of things. So that night, we go to this basement bar. And my buddy goes, “Alright, they’re here, come up with the money.” So me and him go to meet the strippers in the office, and Kirk, these two messes, I bet these women were probably 50 and 55.
KIRK: No.
MIKE: Yes, yes!
KIRK: And they had that lifestyle the whole time? Oh my God.
MIKE: Dude.
KIRK: So they’re all like drug-using and stuff.
MIKE: No, not drug-using, but definitely smokers.
KIRK: Ugh.
MIKE: They’ve had a few scotches.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And if you squinted, when it’s really dark and smoky.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: They weren’t that bad, but you had to really squint.
KIRK: Oh geez.
MIKE: And I bring these two things downstairs.
KIRK: These two things.
MIKE: And they were the life of the party. Everyone loved them.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: They were fantastic. There was cellulite everywhere, and bad boob jobs from the early 90s flying, but they were a hit.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Oh yeah, they were a hit.
KIRK: Is that just, why, cuz people were just up for it or?
MIKE: People were drunk, and you know, we were in our early 20s. There’s a different attitude, you know, when you don’t have a lot of money. In that same group of friends, the guy I was telling you about, like his old man went down on this chick? That was almost 10 years later when everybody’s got money and jobs.
KIRK: Right, right.
MIKE: And there’s a different attitude, you know. You get assholes that are ready to throw 500 dollars on some chick’s stomach so she can give him a hand job. You know, this was like, we had 400 dollars between like ten and twelve of us.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: For beer and two strippers.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: For like an hour. And I mean, it was a blast.
KIRK: That’s wild.
MIKE: And they put on a nice little dyke show. And I think they even…
KIRK: Dyke show.
MIKE: I think they even took his pants off. Kind of smacked around his pecker, but he was too drunk to remember.
KIRK: Bummer, man. That’s something you don’t want to forget.
MIKE: It was also one of those things where he was doing a lot of shots cuz the idea of, you know, even when we first went out and I picked him up and I’m like…I was driving, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re going to want to take a shot, because what you asked for, you’re probably going to get.”
KIRK: Had you seen the girls at that time?
MIKE: No, I hadn’t seen them.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But I knew they weren’t going to be. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. So he was just downing shots because he was so worried.
KIRK: Oh my God, that’s funny. So did the guy get married?
MIKE: He got married. It went off without a hitch.
KIRK: Are they still married?
MIKE: They’re still married.
KIRK: How’s it going?
MIKE: It’s going great. They got a couple of kids. And life’s good.
KIRK: Alright, so, they had a bachelor party. It didn’t end anything, and it wasn’t, you know, it was just entertainment, I guess, at that point.
MIKE: Yeah, that one, you know.
KIRK: Not like the other one where the father-in-law was down there. Oh my God.
MIKE: But that guy’s still married too. He’s had a couple rocky roads along the way, a couple bumps in the road, but.
KIRK: Well I guess marriage is one thing. Being married and happy is something different, you know?
MIKE: Yeah, I think you’re right.
KIRK: Geez.
MIKE: It was a bachelor party.
KIRK: Wow, that’s wild. Well, you know what? We actually have to wrap it up, Mike.
MIKE: Let’s wrap it up, I had such a good time, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, this is fun, Mike. I love when you come over here.
MIKE: I would love that. You know what? I should probably get married so that you can throw me a bachelor party.
KIRK: Uh, yeah, I’ll take you surfing. Oh no, you don’t have balance.
MIKE: Yeah, I don’t have balance.
KIRK: I’ll take you…
MIKE: Why don’t you…well, we could go surfing with a tasteful stripper?
KIRK: There you go.
MIKE: I think we’d both agree on that.
KIRK: Okay.
MIKE: Nice.
KIRK: Oh yeah. A couple of show notes. We just want to thank everyone for listening.
MIKE: Absolutely.
KIRK: We’ve been getting some great email.
MIKE: And the show’s grown, Kirk.
KIRK: It’s growing, and we’re really grateful for our transcriber whose name is Kelly.
MIKE: Thank you, Kelly.
KIRK: She, I guess she goes to Harvard. It’s kind of weird cuz I’ve never met her. We just hired her from the Internet, and she just did them and then sent it to us, and that was that. So they’re on our website if you care to read it but…
MIKE: So, Kirk, wait, real quick, so Kelly who goes to Harvard is sitting here listening to our conversation?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And you’re having her type this out?
KIRK: Yeah. Hi Kelly.
MIKE: Hi Kelly. Sorry Kelly. Hope you’re learning something Kelly.
KIRK: She’s really sweet, you know? Like she did a great job on it and did it really fast. And she communicates it well, so that was really nice. Thanks Kelly. Keep typing.
MIKE: Thank Kelly.
KIRK: Anyway, thanks to everyone, and you can go to our website. It’s whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. And you can see the links and show notes there.
MIKE: Thanks so much. We’ll talk to you soon.
MIKE: Alright, bye!
MIKE: Bye.

KIRK: Do you fart in front of Jenny?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: Okay. When you’re married, you fart in front of them. She does it too.
MIKE: That’s hot. That’s hot.
KIRK: It is actually pretty hot.