Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE NINE

August 23, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kind of ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, so kind of that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh, t-shirts, and uh, clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

KIRK: Welcome everyone to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And thanks for coming everyone. This is great. We’re glad you’re back for another show. Hey we had a great show last week. We had Sloan Taylor in, just a girl living in the world. And you know, she came by to drop by the studio. What did you think of that Mike?
MIKE: I thought it was great. How much fun was Sloan?
KIRK: It was fun. I gotta say it was really fun to have a girl in here.
MIKE: Yeah, it added a different dynamic to what we usually do because it’s just you and I hanging out in your kitchen normally. And yeah, Sloan was awesome. Like I didn’t know what to expect when she was coming in here.
KIRK: I didn’t know if she was going to be a dog or I didn’t know if her body was gonna be ew, you know.
MIKE: Do you think you would have acted differently on the show if she was unattractive as opposed to her being attractive? Let me rephrase that. Do you react differently to an attractive woman being around you as opposed to an unattractive woman?
KIRK: I mean, I don’t know if women do. But men totally do. And I’ll give you an example. This is true, alright? I was driving down this street, this busy street, and this girl just suddenly juts in front of the traffic and starts walking across the street, you know. And she’s in her jogging outfit or whatever and she’s going across, and she’s real cute, blond girl. So I slow down, and I kind of stop, alright? I let the other cars back up behind me, and she walks across. And I start going, you know what, I bet you if she was like some dude or if she wasn’t that cute, I probably wouldn’t have done that. And then I felt like weird, like well that was kind of sexist or whatever.
MIKE: Yeah sometimes if she’s not so attractive, I’ll try to run her over in that same situation. I’m kidding, Kirk.
KIRK: I guess you just want contention, Mike. You just wanna like fight some chick. I should just get the mud wrestling pit out.
MIKE: Yeah, that sounds like a good time actually.
KIRK: Why do guys like to mud wrestle? What the hell?
MIKE: Well I don’t know guys that like to mud wrestle. But actually, it’s funny that you bring that up, because about two summers ago, this girl that I briefly dated. She looked like a hotter version of Sandra Bullock. Dark hair, pierced tongue, a couple of tattoos. But the reason I really remember her though goes back to her and a bunch of her real estate agent friends had a bet, who was the best mud wrestler. And so, yeah, lo and behold, she’s invited me to a mud wrestling party up in the Topanga Canyon area.
KIRK: You wrestle chicks or guys?
MIKE: Chicks, chicks, all chicks. So it was bring your own beer, you know, there was one of those plastic swimming pools set up.
KIRK: And the fake mud? Or real mud?
MIKE: Filled with mud, and the chicks, there was probably like seven or eight of them, all real estate agents, and dude I had never seen, except for, you know, the movie Stripes and John Candy’s in there wrestling with a couple chicks. I’ve never seen it live, let alone somebody that I know.
KIRK: Neither have I.
MIKE: Oh, it was fantastic.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: It was fantastic.
KIRK: No way. What the hell? What did you like about it? Like why does the mud have to be in there?
MIKE: The mud has to be in there because when they get all slicked up and gross and like their hair is slicked back and they’re just like having trouble moving around, it’s fucking hot.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Very.
KIRK: So, women in distress?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. And they can’t get a grip on anything. So like, they’re like you know, they’re trying to grab your face and put your face and push it into the mud, but it slips off and they end up ripping the top off some chick. And now she’s got those mud covered tits which, it’s got like a really, like they’re almost have clothing but it’s not. It’s just mud. And it’s just fucking hot.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: And girls, I mean, these are girls that are friends. But you know, you put a little money on the line, you’re betting with each other, and they are out for fucking blood.
KIRK: How do they win? Like they pin somebody down?
MIKE: They pin somebody down. I think they had to hold them down for 3 to 5 seconds or something like that.
KIRK: Why wouldn’t you want to have like oil? Like baby oil okay instead of mud?
MIKE: I would have been fine with that.
KIRK: You would have?
MIKE: Oh yeah.
KIRK: It seems so random to me. Like mud of all things? Like why would you wrestle in mud?
MIKE: Kirk, thing about it. There’s like six or seven women. How do you get, like that are professional, like you know, make 6 figures a year?
KIRK: So this is nothing that they do all the time? This is the first time they’d ever done it?
MIKE: No. They’d never done it. And a lot of them, you know, knew each other for a couple years. Some of them knew each other for a couple months, and there were a couple girls that just came by and, you know, heard about the party, and said, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a try.” And they walked in there and started wrestling.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: It was great.
KIRK: Okay, let me ask you this.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Would you ever mud wrestle dudes?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: I mean it’s just funny that girls would just jump right in there and do it because it’s just girls, but that dudes wouldn’t just jump in there and do it.
MIKE: You know, there’s probably a group of guys that would do that. I mean, would you do that?
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Would you enjoy watching a bunch of girls wrestle in the mud though?
KIRK: I guess. I mean.
MIKE: You would. Trust me.
KIRK: Yeah, I would, okay. I like your idea of seeing the women in distress, you know. They’re all like mussed up, and they’re all…
MIKE: And you know, part of it is that it’s fun too. I mean, they’re all laughing because it’s so silly. But then, they realize that money’s on the line and they want to win. I think we all had to chip in like 10 or 15 bucks or something that went to the winner.
KIRK: Was it the competitive thing, or were they really going for the money? I mean, do you think they really wanted the 200 bucks or was it the competitive?
MIKE: Competitive.
KIRK: Yeah, because it could have been for 10 dollars, right?
MIKE: Right. Exactly.
KIRK: Okay. Wow, that’s a trip.
MIKE: Yeah, but, you know, it’s also so goofy that they’re laughing when they’re pinning each other. You know, they got legs pinned up behind their heads and stuff. I mean, it’s hot.
KIRK: Doesn’t all that mud get into their eyes and nostrils and stuff?
MIKE: And their coochy?
KIRK: I don’t care about that, but your eyes. Wouldn’t it hurt you?
MIKE: I really wasn’t thinking about that, Kirk.
KIRK: I mean, all that mud. They don’t tear each other’s clothes off or anything?
MIKE: They were in bikinis, and yeah. I mean, tops came off. Bottoms got pulled, like ass crack was hanging out and stuff.
KIRK: Yeah. That’s so funny, Mike.
MIKE: Aw, dude, it was great.
KIRK: I’ve never seen it. I’d never cared to. I guess if it was live and you were there and you could, you know, see it progress, it’d be kind of fun.
MIKE: Right, so that’s the mud wrestling story.
KIRK: That’s a good one.
MIKE: Yeah, that wasn’t too bad, was it?
KIRK: Hey, I wanted to tell you. I had to go to jury duty this week, and it was so crazy because you’re stuck in this room all day long waiting to see if you’re going to go to jury duty. So I’m looking at these two people. I saw, yeah I saw these two different women that I wanted to tell you about. Now one of them, pretty cute girl, alright? Like I would say she looks like kind of like a girl next door. You know, maybe she’s like, I don’t know, 38. And she has this mole on the side of her jaw, right? Now, out of the mole is growing this huge long hair. It was about an inch and a half long, this freaking hair. I’m not kidding you. I could not stop staring at it. I felt like I was in a David Lynch movie, you know? It was just so weird. And I thought, well just cut the thing off or pull it out or whatever, but she just let the thing grow. Is that weird? Otherwise, a perfectly normal, attractive girl.
MIKE: If you on the radio could see my face right now. Ugh. That is just one of the most disgusting things, Kirk.
KIRK: I’m telling you!
MIKE: I’m glad you brought that up.
KIRK: Dude, it was, wait, I couldn’t stop staring at it because it just seemed so out of place. Like there’s one freaking hair there, so just cut the hair. Or get some tweezers.
MIKE: How long was the hair?
KIRK: Like, it was like an inch and a half long.
MIKE: Dude, you should have just walked up to her, grabbed the hair on the mole and flossed your teeth with it.
KIRK: Oh God, that’s so gross.
MIKE: And walked away.
KIRK: Dude, you’re making me sick now. That’s so disgusting.
MIKE: You shouldn’t even be allowed out in public with something like that. It’s just so, seriously, does she not look in the mirror?
KIRK: I think there’s this thing that says, you know, if you pluck the hair, the mole gets worse or grows cancerous or something. I don’t know, but it was just…
MIKE: Can’t you just shave the mole?
KIRK: Oh man. I guess, yeah. I mean, it was just foul. And don’t talk about flossing teeth with that thing anymore. I’m going to puke.
MIKE: Sorry.
KIRK: That’s just disgusting, Mike.
MIKE: That made me think, my brother. Everybody’s got a mole story, and you’ve got a mole out there and you’re listening to this, this is what guys really think about moles. And I believe women. They’re fucking disgusting, get them taken off, those things that just hang, dangle off your head. I mean, those are the worst. Where you look like you can flick it and it’s going to go flying off across the room. They have to go. My brother dated this girl whose best friend was this very attractive girl who had one of those moles that was off the skin. It was like this little ball above her left eyebrow. And I would see her about every seven or eight months.
KIRK: Those are usually the white kind, right?
MIKE: No, no. This was dark.
KIRK: Oh you know what I mean by the white ones? Older Irish guys get them, the white ones. It’s like off your skin. It like sticks out, and it’s not a black mole. It’s like a white…you don’t know what I’m talking about.
MIKE: I don’t think I do.
KIRK: Well anyway, so go ahead.
MIKE: I mean, I talked about this nonstop with my brother and my friends that had met her. I mean, this thing became a point of conversation, and I barely knew this chick, but it was just like, “Oh, molehead’s coming” because we knew when she was coming and we would literally like, after we see her and say hello, try not to laugh at her face, and we’d walk over to the corner. And especially a couple of my buddies, and we’d talk about like putting a rat on top of it to gnaw it off, just like, flicking this thing off. And it’s just so amazing, how especially with today’s science, just fucking get the thing taken off.
KIRK: Yeah, like you could burn it off, cut it off, freeze it off, you know.
MIKE: It’s just like. Unless you’re Cindy Crawford, which is a different kind of mole which is hot.
KIRK: You like the Cindy Crawford mole?
MIKE: I like that, and I can guarantee you there’s no inch and a half hair growing out of that thing.
KIRK: Well, why is hers okay? Just because it’s not sticking out of the skin?
MIKE: Yeah, moles don’t bother me.
KIRK: Like if it’s like a big freckle, then it’s cool.
MIKE: A big freckle is fine. The kind that are protruding from your coconut…
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: …that look like you can take like, you know, a piece of string and wrap it around it and pull it real quick and the thing’s going to pop off.
KIRK: This is so gross, dude.
MIKE: I’m glad you brought it up though because this is really important for women out there who have these things to know.
KIRK: Oh God. What about dudes?
MIKE: Well, that’s inexcusable as well.
KIRK: I mean, yeah, I would never stand for that. I would get it taken out so fast.
MIKE: So fast. You know what, it’s like, let me ask you this, Kirk. If you’re what, well it’s your wife, say you’re just dating Pamela, and it’s in the beginning stages. And she shows up to a date, and she’s got a big ass whitehead on her face. You know those kinds that look like they’re just ready to pop?
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: Would you say anything about it or would you go on with your date as if nothing… it doesn’t even exist?
KIRK: Well, if it’s early on, I probably wouldn’t say anything. But as I got to get to know her, I probably would. And you want to hear something really gross? I would ask if I could pop it.
MIKE: I like that.
KIRK: I really would.
MIKE: I’m with you on that.
KIRK: I’d go, “Hey, is it cool if I take that thing out of here?”
MIKE: A lot of people would be grossed out about that.
KIRK: I know.
MIKE: Like you were with the dental floss?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I actually appreciate that, and if I wasn’t so busy making these podcasts, I’d probably study to be a dermatologist just because I love popping zits.
KIRK: You do? What’s that from?
MIKE: You know, I’ve been out before on dates where you go out to eat, and the girl will say, even on the first date. Like, “You know what, if I got something on my face, just tell me.”
KIRK: That’s cool.
MIKE: I totally…I dig that. I love it.
KIRK: It opens up the door for you.
MIKE: Absolutely. But the girl who never tells you that is the girl who has the whitehead or the blackhead that’s just sitting there staring at you.
KIRK: Right. Well what if they don’t know?
MIKE: They know.
KIRK: No, what if they don’t know? What if they did their face and everything, and everything is cool, and you know, they didn’t see it for like the last hour and half and it just developed? Like, maybe they popped it, I know this is gross, but maybe they popped it and it reemerged, you know, in an hour and a half?
MIKE: That’s a good point. Then I hope when they go to the bathroom and they come back out, that thing’s gone, and there’s a little spot of blood there.
KIRK: That’s true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s true.
MIKE: So you know that she really got into it.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I will say, my brother. One of my brothers does not pop zits. And of course, when he had his acne phase, he had the best zits in town that I would have just loved to have gotten rid of for him. But he doesn’t believe, he feels like it’s going to screw up his skin.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: I don’t know how you leave the house like that. I don’t know how you do.
KIRK: I mean, I understand because he’s afraid to get the scars, you know? Pamela was telling me that even when she goes to spas. I go, “What do they even do in a facial? I have no idea what they do.” And you know what she told me? First of all, they rub you with all this stuff and put warm things on your face or whatever. Then they have this woman who like gets all your blackheads out. I didn’t know that. I just thought they rubbed your face and put some kind of lotion on there, you know? And she actually said someone, you know, exfoliates you and gets your blackheads out.
MIKE: What a great gig.
KIRK: You like that a lot? Really?
MIKE: Yeah. I’d do that in a heartbeat.
KIRK: Now what do you like about it?
MIKE: I don’t know. I like watching things pop.
KIRK: You do? Yeah, I like that too.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: I always pop those little air bubbles for shipping containers, you know? Those little air bubbles?
MIKE: Right, right. I know those. But you know those zits that you get that just really hurt?
KIRK: It’s good when you get a good juicy one out, huh?
MIKE: It is good.
KIRK: Yeah, but I had a thought on this, Mike. You know, I saw this girl, and she had really terrible acne scars. She was, you know, mid-30s, whatever, and she had really terrible acne scars. This was another girl at the courthouse. And you know what I thought? I thought, Gosh, you know, bet she feels really ashamed about those scars, and I bet she feels really bad about it and everything. But for me, I never like judged her on that, because I just thought they’re just acne scars, and she still has a nice face. And I mean, I never thought anything bad, but I was wondering if she was thinking bad things about her own appearance, you know? And then I thought to other women that I’ve known through the years that have had pretty bad pockmarks and everything, and I guess I never really thought that the acne scars was like a problem. What do you think about that?
MIKE: In a lot of cases, I think they can cover it up pretty good with makeup, can’t they?
KIRK: But do they need to? What if they come out of the shower?
MIKE: Uh, yeah, I do think they need to.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: Yeah, I hooked up at a Christmas party, at a company Christmas party, that had some serious pockmarks that I really didn’t notice until I was up close making out with her that she had those things going on. But it didn’t matter because she had a rock solid body and she was like 22 and I was in my early 30s. And it was awesome, but that’s a separate story. Um yeah, I’m a little more superficial.
KIRK: I mean, I guess what I really mean to say is, for me, like okay, this twenty, how old is that girl? 20 something?
MIKE: She was probably 23 or 24 at the time.
KIRK: I mean, so for me, it’s kind of like a beautiful thing that has a mark in it, which makes it even more beautiful, you know what I mean? It’s not all perfect and flawless. It’s perfect, but it’s real. So like it’s attainable and accessible. Do you know what I mean? I’m not saying it works for me. I’m saying it’s nothing bad for me. I mean, I could see a beautiful woman with, you know, some pockmarks from twenty years ago or whatever, and it’s like fine. And then guys have it, like James Gandolfini or whatever, the guy from Sopranos. And you know, it’s okay. His face is all pockmarked up, but it’s okay because he’s a dude. It gives him character.
MIKE: Yeah, and I think Brad Pitt’s got that situation going on too.
KIRK: Does he?
MIKE: Yeah, he’s got that going on. Yeah, I think everything’s different for guys.
KIRK: But no one, yeah I guess so, no one says anything about Brad Pitt or anything. I mean, I never even heard about it.
MIKE: I heard him and Cameron Diaz also has pretty bad skin.
KIRK: I could see Cameron Diaz having it. I think she always seems to have a lot of makeup on.
MIKE: Yeah. But these are the two women you noticed in the courthouse today, huh?
KIRK: Yeah. No, no, and I have one more.
MIKE: Oh okay.
KIRK: The other woman I saw in the courthouse. There’s something I wanted to run by you because I know you like chicks in thongs, right?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: You like it when they’re…?
MIKE: Hanging out?
KIRK: Well yeah. When they bend over and you see a little thong coming up from the jeans?
MIKE: Love it.
KIRK: He loves it.
MIKE: Love it, love it.
KIRK: So here’s one for you. This is true, dude. Okay, there’s this, you know, decently attractive woman. So she’s bending over doing whatever and like looking in her purse or whatever, and the thong, it’s just like you like it, it’s out above the jeans, but it’s okay. She has it pulled over her shirt. Like I swear to God. Now here’s the thing. You know like the tail of her shirt, her thong was pulled over the tail of her shirt.
MIKE: So she tucked her shirt inside of the thong?
KIRK: But guess what, though, it wasn’t a mistake. It was kind of like a filmy blouse, kind of like see through-y kind of thing. I mean, you could tell it was a statement she was making. It was a kind of fashion thing. Like the thing was in her thong. Her shirt was in her thong.
MIKE: Okay. Are you sure she was trying to make some sort of fashion statement or maybe to keep her shirt in, instead of having a belt or something, she tucked it into her thong?
KIRK: It was just like bizarre.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: I was like, what the.
MIKE: Sounds horrible.
KIRK: So that was my big day in court there.
MIKE: Did you ask her to stop bending over?
KIRK: No, I was just so puzzled by it. I was like, what in the world?
MIKE: Alright, Kirk, so that was quite a day at the old courthouse for you.
KIRK: Yeah. Alright, we’ll be right back.

–COMMERCIAL–

Girl: I’m Christina. Three years ago when I was pregnant, I was trying to figure out how I could bring in some money to my soon-to-be-expanding family while staying at home. When my husband and I were cleaning up the guestroom to make the nursery, we came across an old Beta max VCR from the early 80s. My husband goes, “I bet nobody on earth has one of these relics anymore. I bet their home movies are going to rot forever.” “Oh my God, honey, we can transfer all those home movies to DVD for people! It’s a win-win. I get to stay home and nest while the movies transfer!” Bingo, our DVD transfer business was born along with our son Jason. Now they’re both well and thriving. We even expanded our transfer business to include all video formats, in between playing in the mud. Feel free to come by our website: www.betasptodvd.com.

–SEGMENT 2–

KIRK: Hey welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
MIKE: Kirk, we were just talking before the break about, you know, moles on the head, thongs being tucked into shirts. You basically…
KIRK: Pockmarks.
MIKE: Pockmarks. Tragedy. Tragedy on women. Which made me think of, are there any flaws on women that turn you on? For example, like some guys like chicks that have fanged teeth. You know what I mean?
KIRK: That’s really interesting. That’s a really good question.
MIKE: I have a friend who’s quick to point out. Well I’ll just say this, he’s going to die alone. Because I mean, everything just drives him nuts. He’ll be like, “Her eyes are too close together. Look, her mouth curls on one side and doesn’t on the other. Look, one ear is smaller than the other.”
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah.
KIRK: What the hell?
MIKE: Yeah, I know.
KIRK: Oh my God, that would just be awful.
MIKE: It’s a rough road that he can’t overcome things.
KIRK: Yeah, he needs absolute perfection.
MIKE: He does.
KIRK: That’s terrible. Okay, well what about something that, you said, does something excite you? What excites you? Like what’s a flaw that would excite you or make you kind of attracted or interested?
MIKE: I’m trying to figure it out.
KIRK: I got one.
MIKE: Okay, go on.
KIRK: When you have a beautiful girl and everything’s all proportionate and everything’s great, sometimes I think it’s kind of hot if something’s a little wacky. Like for example, what if she has like really big ears, but she’s…really fine features and really big ears? I think that’s so cute. It’s like so cute, and it’s kind of attractive. Another one that’s kind of the same idea is if a girl has really fine features, like her whole body and everything, and everything’s working. And she has like kind of a big honker of a nose? I think it’s kind of like becoming and cute. I mean, I guess there’s something about imperfection, a little bit of imperfection, that makes it, I don’t know, gives it a little something. Kind of like Cindy Crawford’s mole. You know how she’s got that mole? If she didn’t have the mole, she wouldn’t be Cindy Crawford, and it gives it a little more something.
MIKE: I don’t think there’s any imperfection that really turns me on, now that I’m thinking about it. I think there’s things that give character. Girl I dated got into car accident. She had a scar going across her stomach. She had a kick ass stomach with this scar that I think she’s trying to get surgically removed to this day, but it never bothered me. I thought it was cool, but she had this, she was hugely self conscious about it.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. I will go on record.
KIRK: Did you actually tell her it was hot?
MIKE: Yeah, I told her I liked it.
KIRK: Like the girl I was talking about with the fine features and the bigger nose or the big ears, that wouldn’t necessarily turn me on. But what it would do, it would really warm me to them. It would make me really feel like empathy for them and like attracted in a funny way.
MIKE: Right, yeah, that I agree with. Exactly. I’m with you on that. So there are flaws that make a person, a woman more attractive.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Kirk, let me see your ears real quick. Turn your head real quick. Are those hooked onto your head? Do you have like a little gap or are they completely hooked on?
KIRK: Oh yeah. That’s a genetic thing. Yeah, they’re hooked on. Yours aren’t.
MIKE: Right. Thank God you’re a guy. That’s probably my biggest pet peeve on chicks.
KIRK: What?
MIKE: And they can’t even…have nothing to do with it.
KIRK: Why?
MIKE: Is that the ears that are hooked to the head.
KIRK: Yeah, that’s a genetic trait that scientists use to measure different human traits.
MIKE: Yeah, well, it’s a nightmare to me.
KIRK: Are you serious? You’ve got to be joking, you’ve got to be joking.
MIKE: And it’s so unattractive to me. I swear to God. I swear to God, I’m going to go to hell for that.
KIRK: You’ve got to be joking me.
MIKE: I’m not joking, and by the way, you learn very well.
KIRK: When I was in science class, I learned it. That’s one of the distinguishing traits that people have. It’s like, you have a gene that gives you that or doesn’t. Dude, you are whack man. I can’t associate with you anymore.
MIKE: Dude, you don’t have to date me. And trust me…
KIRK: It’s just their ears. Come on now.
MIKE: Trust me. With those ears, I wouldn’t even date you.
KIRK: So you want to have like the little…? Oh I see. Is it for earrings? Is that why?
MIKE: No, it just drives…for some reason, completely attached to the head just makes me whacky.
KIRK: What if she was like a 10 body?
MIKE: Then she’s alright as long as her hair covers up her ears, but when it comes to…
KIRK: Dude.
MIKE: But when she pulls it over, dude, I kid you not, it’s kind of a deal breaker for me.
KIRK: Dude, that is just whack, man. Man, you are like nuts, man.
MIKE: It is kind of…
KIRK: Sorry, I mean, it’s a deal breaker? Are you serious?
MIKE: I swear to God.
KIRK: It’s a freaking deal breaker?
MIKE: It’s a deal breaker. It’s one of those things that I can’t get over.
KIRK: Are you sure your friend who’s the perfectionist dude isn’t you?
MIKE: See what happens when you start talking to him a little too much?
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: No, it’s definitely not me.
KIRK: You have got to be kidding me.
MIKE: I swear. And you know what, sometimes when I like a girl when I meet her, I’m hoping, and I haven’t seen her ears, I’m hoping to God that they’re not attached. Because I get nervous because if they’re attached, it’s trouble.
KIRK: Jesus! Are you serious? This is like…is this April Fools?
MIKE: No, it is so bad. It is so bad, but it’s just one thing that sorta bothers me. And I’ll tell you what. Yours don’t even look like they’re attached. I’m sitting probably 8 feet from you.
KIRK: And now are you going to not even be my friend anymore?
MIKE: I’ll still be your friend. I just won’t date you.
KIRK: Dude, that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Girls, this is an anomaly. He is like totally, I’ve never heard this in my whole life from any guy. Ever.
MIKE: I agree. I’ve brought this up to other buddies.
KIRK: When in the hell did you start noticing that?
MIKE: Uh, probably about freshman or sophomore year in high school.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: I dated a girl actually when I was a junior. She was a senior, and she had the attached years, and they were bad attached. I mean, there’s different levels. Like she could barely get an earring in like you were saying cuz of the attachment.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: That, yeah, nah.
KIRK: Doesn’t work for you.
MIKE: That’s not doing it. No, no.
KIRK: Oh man, that’s so funny, Mike. This is a wacky show. I got to tell you.
MIKE: Well is there anything? I just told you about the attached ears. Is there anything on a woman that drives you crazy like that? I mean, is the feet…is there anything that’s a deal breaker for you?
KIRK: The halitosis would be or something like that. But physically, if you just looked at someone, I don’t think there’s anything that would be a deal breaker. But there are some pretty big turn offs. Again, I was in the court room looking at all these people. And there was this woman, and she was probably, I don’t know, like 60, and she was just there and everything. I was watching her fill out this form, and dude, her fingernails were like chewed away all the way up to the quick. Like there was no fingernail left on any finger. And I was thinking, man, she was probably doing that since she was 20. So can you imagine, she was like hot, and she was 20, and she had zero fingernails? Or maybe she had to like glue them on or something with fake ones?
MIKE: Right. Do you notice fingernails and toenails on women?
KIRK: Yeah I do.
MIKE: See, I never noticed them before until I started dating girls that get manicures and pedicures.
KIRK: Oh my God, it’s totally different.
MIKE: That are totally like, “What do you think? Did you notice I did my nails?” And now I make a mental note. I keep a mental note because in recent years, I notice more and more that girls I’m dating point out that, “Oh look, I got a manicure. Oh you didn’t even notice.” And the truth is, no, I never notice.
KIRK: You never noticed?
MIKE: No. I never noticed toenails or fingernails, but now I try to. Yeah, and since we’re on feet, have you ever seen those pinkies that don’t have a toenail?
KIRK: Yeah, that bothers you?
MIKE: Oh. And then the girl uses like a dot of nail polish?
KIRK: Well that’s kind of like, yeah.
MIKE: Oh!
KIRK: That’s awkward, yeah.
MIKE: It’s just like, don’t paint your toenails because you’re just drawing more attention to it.
KIRK: Yeah, just use clear at that point and no one can see anything.
MIKE: Yeah, totally.
KIRK: But, yeah, it wouldn’t turn me off or anything. It would just be like funny, kind of like…
MIKE: Wear your socks to bed honey.
KIRK: I’ll tell you about manicures real quick. And pedicures. And when I’ve been with Pamela, sometimes she’ll come home and she’ll have one, and I totally. It just jumps out at me. And I like it. I’m like, “Wow, that looks really nice.” You know? And same with the fingernails too.
MIKE: That’s good.
KIRK: And you see how clean and everything it looks down there, and it just, I think it does make a difference.
MIKE: Now, before I say goodbye to your wife, does she have any attached earlobes, any moles?
KIRK: She has your kind of earlobes that you like, so we’re good.
MIKE: Oh, thank God.
KIRK: You’re just wacky.
MIKE: Hey listen.
KIRK: A deal breaker? What if she’s like the cutest, smartest, most entertaining girl who was just like a babe?
MIKE: Couldn’t get over it.
KIRK: Ooh.
MIKE: Well, you didn’t invite me here because I have the same opinion as you.
KIRK: That’s true. That’s true. Keeping it interesting.
MIKE: That’s right.
KIRK: Anyway, we got to get out of here again. I want to say thank you so much for coming, everyone, and for listening to us.
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Sorry if we were a little bit sophomoric and gross today, but you know, we just call it like we see it.
MIKE: It’s not easy going to the court house.
KIRK: Just imagine when you hear the girls like, all the stuff that they’re going to say about us.
MIKE: You know what. If you have any comments, feel free to email them to us.
KIRK: yeah, just check our website for the email. It’s kirk@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com or mike@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. Mike, thanks for coming over.
MIKE: Absolutely. And thank you all for listening, and we’ll talk to you later on.
KIRK: Get the scissors out and cut that mole please.