A FLY ON THE WALL: What Men Really Say About Women

Episode 010 – Transcript

Episode 010 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE TEN

September 8, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kind of ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, so kind of that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh, t-shirts, and uh, clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

KIRK: Welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL.
MIKE: What men really say about women.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re really glad you joined us, and you can reach us at whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. And before we get going, Mike, I just wanted to do a little plug for this musician I’m just wild about now.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: Yeah, I saw her at a party in Hollywood a long time ago with my wife Pamela. And her last couple of CDs are just insane. I downloaded them, and this girl’s amazing. Her name’s Eleni Mandell, it’s E-L-E-N-I Mandell. And her stuff’s amazing. If you want to hear a great record, you can download her record called “Afternoon.” It’s just…every song on there is dynamite. You’re gonna love it. Well you’re not gonna like it, but I’m just so wowed by it.
MIKE: Why are you saying I won’t like it?
KIRK: I don’t think it’ll be your cup of tea. Anyway, she just sings these great songs about relationships and guys, and she’s just got this really cool, kind of dark Melrose-y sort of energy. But I think she’s really talented, and you should give it a listen. Nine bucks, you can download a great…
MIKE: That sounds pretty good Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah. There you go. Mike, so last week, we got together, we talked about flaws in women.
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: You know, like what turned us on about them and what’s a dealbreaker. And I was really surprised at some of yours, Mike. Whew. Especially the ear thing.
MIKE: I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like you’ve moved on from that, Kirk.
KIRK: It was just, I kept thinking about it going, “God, is Mike like this perfectionist?”
MIKE: No, I’m not that bad.
KIRK: But it was trippy, Mike. But on the same subject, I thought it would be really fun to talk about fashion and do a little fashion show here.
MIKE: Oh really?
KIRK: And talk about the same thing. Our pet peeves about fashion or what stuff really gets us, bugs us. Or like you know, I thought we could do like a head to toe fashion show. What do you think about that?
MIKE: Yeah, I like that.
KIRK: You do like that?
MIKE: Well let’s just start.
KIRK: Let’s just jump into it. Let’s start at the head. Do you like girls in hats?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: Baseball caps.
KIRK: Baseball caps?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Pulled back.
KIRK: Ponytail?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: You like a ponytail through the back of the baseball cap?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Okay, I could see that.
MIKE: How about you?
KIRK: Yeah, I like that. It’s cute. It’s like a casual kind of cute girl.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: You wouldn’t want to see that when you’re going out, you know how some girls at the Oscars or whatever, they wear those like designer caps with jewels all over them and stuff?
MIKE: Nah, I’m not really into that.
KIRK: So you just like the casual like cute girl look?
MIKE: Yeah, kicking back on a Saturday afternoon watching the game wearing…yeah.
KIRK: Okay, cool.
MIKE: Yeah, I also like cowboy hats. A lot on women.
KIKR: That’s interesting.
MIKE: You?
KIRK: I like it too.
MIKE: Yeah, all right! Two for two. Look at us.
KIRK: But you know what’s funny about that?
MIKE: What?
KIRK: Pamela hates cowboy hats so much, and I don’t, you know, I don’t like them in the sense that I would ever want, you know, to buy her a cowboy hat or anything. You know, she hates it, but I just like it. I don’t know what it is about that, cowboy hats.
MIKE: It’s just sexy as shit. I mean, I’ll tell you for an example. I’m friends with this girl that is not that attractive, but in a cowboy hat in the right lighting, she looks fucking smoking hot.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. It’s just, a cowboy hat on a woman is just hot.
KIRK: Really? Now is this something that you picked up going to Nashville recently or is this something you’ve always thought?
MIKE: No, this is something I’ve thought for a few years, yeah.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: And when I was in Dallas, it was reaffirmed. And when I was in Nashville, it was as well.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah. I really, baseball caps and cowboy hats, two of my favorites.
KIRK: Interesting.
MIKE: Now I’m going to go out on a limb, Kirk, and I know we’re doing this fashion show, but I’m going to go ahead and guess something.
KIRK: Okay.
MIKE: You love like a French or European bonnet kind of thing on a woman.
KIRK: That’s funny. Um, yeah, if it fits the outfit, I would like it.
MIKE: Of course.
KIRK: It doesn’t have the immediate zing that, for example, your baseball cap or your cowboy hat has, but yeah, with the right outfit, it just takes it to a new level. It takes the outfit to a new level.
MIKE: Do you like berets?
KIRK: I don’t really like berets that much.
MIKE: Okay, okay. How about bandannas?
KIRK: Don’t like them at all.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: You?
MIKE: Sometimes.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: Depends on the mood I’m in.
KIRK: Like where, around their head?
MIKE: Yeah, not those babushka kind of things going on, but you know, just a thin bandanna tied around.
KIRK: The forehead?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: No, I don’t dig it at all. That is definitely something I don’t dig.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: Well we talked about hair but what about jewelry and stuff?
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: Like here’s an example. One thing that just turns me off so badly is like when you see a woman and she has like 27 different gold chains, and they’re thin little gold chains and they have all these charms on them or whatever. I just want to run.
MIKE: So basically, too much jewelry is a problem
KIRK: Ech. Can’t stand it.
MIKE: Yeah, I agree with you. I agree with you.
KIRK: Yeah, you think so?
MIKE: I don’t, yeah, something simple. I don’t mind a gold chain especially if it’s thin. I don’t really like a thick gold chain.
KIRK: What about, for example, earrings? Like how many earrings should they have? You know how some people have like seven earrings?
MIKE: You know what, that’s a good question. I think it depends on the girl because some chicks look great with like nine piercings to me. Others, one’s fine, you know what I mean?
KIRK: So it just depends on the person?
MIKE: It depends on person to person with that, and I don’t like big, long, hanging earrings.
KIRK: Big old loops?
MIKE: yeah, and just long, dangly earrings.
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: How about you?
KIRK: Nah, I can’t stand it. I like a little, you know it’s just like a little ball in there or whatever.
MIKE: Like a stud?
KIRK: It’s not like a big dangly thing in there or whatever.
MIKE: Like a gold circular stud?
KIRK: Or a pearl or whatever. I don’t know what they put in there, but something that’s just simple. That’s what I like.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And I like no earrings too.
MIKE: Yeah, me too.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: Yeah, I like that too.
KIRK: She could just be plain?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Now how about facial jewelry? Nose ring or eyebrow ring or lip pierced?
KIRK: Man, for me, it’s just bad news. I get too distracted. It’s just odd. I mean, we talked about this on another show, but it’s just the idea that there’s something foreign being on your face, and I can’t stop looking at it. You like that?
MIKE: You know, it goes with the girl with the nine ear piercings. I like a nose ring or an eyebrow ring or a lip piercing. That works for me.
KIRK: I would say overall that all this stuff can change depending on the woman that’s wearing it. I mean if they know how to wear it and it fits them and it fits their whole deal, then it’s cool, you know?
MIKE: Yeah, I agree with you on that 100%. Back to the neck. We both agree that we don’t like a lot of jewelry around the neck? What about a scarf?
KIRK: I think scarves are so sexy?
MIKE: Like the real long kind?
KIRK: No, like the kind that they tie right around their neck. It’s kind of like old school, maybe European, or kin of like old school retro.
MIKE: Yeah, that doesn’t do much for me.
KIRK: But when you said scarf, what were you thinking of?
MIKE: No, I was just throwing out scarf in general. I figured that kind of a scarf or also the long winter scarf.
KIRK: How would they wear the winter scarf? You mean just…?
MIKE: Well Jenny, the girl that I’m dating. Her and I have gone back and forth because she’ll wear a t-shirt out in the winter with like a decorative knit scarf.
KIRK: See, I think that’s cute. I think that’d be great.
MIKE: It is cute. And you know what, at first I really didn’t like it.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: I thought it looked kinda dumb.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: And then it grew on me, and it’s very cute.
KIRK: Really? Yeah, it’s kind of like a personality thing, and it’s fun.
MIKE: Right. But at first I was like “enh,” but that look has grown on me. So.
KIRK: Interesting.
MIKE: Yeah, I don’t think I was much of a scarf person, but now that kind of changed my way, so.
KIRK: Wow. See Mike, you’re growing!
MIKE: It’s ridiculous.
KIRK: That’s wild.
MIKE: So now, I guess we’re onto shirts?
KIRK: What do you think about, do you have to have low cut?
MIKE: I love low cut. Less is more on the right body, always.
KIRK: Is there ever a point where you feel like they’re working it too hard or they’re just trying too hard if it’s really low cut?
MIKE: Actually I don’t. I think some women are. Maybe it’s more of a woman to woman thing.
KIRK: Maybe so. But I saw this TV show. It was this reality TV show the other day. And they have this girl on there, and she’s kind of a bimbo, and she’s up there in these really really low-cut dresses, and it just feels out of place and awkward. It feels awkward.
MIKE: Awkward. But does it bother you? Like are you like, “Wow this is really distracting me to the point that I’m bothered”?
KIRK: No.
MIKE: Or is it, “That’s kind of weird.”
KIRK: Yeah. It’s just kinda like, uh, what are you doing? For example, what if she came out in a bra? Just a bra? Like what would you think then? Would you be like, “Yeah, baby”?
MIKE: You know what, that’s awkward to me.
KIRK: Why? Why is that awkward?
MIKE: Cuz a bra just, there’s just too much stomach showing underneath it.
KIRK: So what about, do you like a girl with a sleeveless dress or none?
MIKE: The bigger question is, do I like dresses? Um, if the occasion calls for it, a nice elegant evening or whatever, dresses, fabulous. I’m kind of open to any kind of dress. I like dresses that don’t have any sleeve at all and just come up to the bust and looks fantastic. I like that look actually. Sometimes I’ve seen that look with gloves, that looks phenomenal to me.
KIRK: That’s cool. I mean, I like that, but you know what just flips me out so bad is when the dress is asymmetrical. I just have this thing about asymmetrical dresses. You know when it goes across like this on the shoulder?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
KIRK: I just feel like it’s Tarzan. I don’t know. It just seems so unbalanced. It just like bothers me. It’s like a Tarzan thing.
MIKE: I know that look, yeah.
KIRK: Oh my God, man. For me, dresses and skirts are just awesome. I mean, I would rather see that than pants any day.
MIKE: More than jeans?
KIRK: Way, way, way more.
MIKE: See, I’d rather see a pair of jeans on a nice ass any given day of the week.
KIRK: Are you serious? I’d rather see a straight skirt with a silk top tucked in or something.
MIKE: Ugh, God. You put a smoking hot ass in a pair of Seven jeans, and I’m in heaven.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: That is like watching desert walking by me.
KIRK: Oh my God. I would go for a really straight tight skirt that goes right to the middle of the thigh.
MIKE: What kind of dress, like corduroy?
KIRK: No way. Why are you fixated on jeans? Dude, no, just like a really nice, rayon. I don’t know what the hell fabric it is.
MIKE: Rayon?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Do you like a business look?
KIRK: I love the business look. Oh my God. Like what’s great is a business suit that’s like a skirt instead of pants. Like I can’t stand pants, I think that’s lame.
MIKE: Like fuck the old secretary over the office table?
KIRK: But when you see that, man, it’s a great look, don’t you think?
MIKE: Yeah, I think on the right girl, it is as great look.
KIRK: It’s really classy.
MIKE: I agree, but I’ll tell you what though, dude. I’ll take a pair of kickass jeans and an awesome tank top, no bra underneath, any day of the week over that look.
KIRK: Wow, that’s so funny.
MIKE: Any day of the week.
KIRK: I think you’re normal though. I think like I’m the guy that’s different. But I don’t know, the jean thing, it just never worked for me at all.
MIKE: How about cutoff shorts?
KIRK: Um, Daisy Dukes?
MIKE: Yes. Where have those been, man, bring them back.
KIRK: Yeah, Daisy Dukes, I mean I definitely like them.
MIKE: Hm. What’s the sexiest outfit you could see on a woman?
KIRK: That’s a really good question.
MIKE: Yes it is.
KIRK: I mean, I’d say the business suit is pretty up there. Like a really really fitted business suit.
MIKE: Hair up?
KIRK: Hair up is nice. I really like that. What about you? Just the sexy jeans?
MIKE: Wait, hold on, we’re still on you. What kind of shoes?
KIRK: Like really high heeled boots that go up to the knee. And then like a business suit.
MIKE: What, like black leather boots or something?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, I like boots. I love those.
KIRK: You do? You do? Are you serious?
MIKE: Fuck yeah.
KIRK: To me, boots, they’re sexy with any outfit. You can wear them with a skirt, you can wear them with pants, or anything. And they’re just sexy.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: Tucked jeans into them? There, I like your jeans like that. If the girl has her jeans tucked into some really nice high boots.
MIKE: Love that look, love it.
KIRK: You do, Mike? Good to hear!
MIKE: Love it, love it. We’re on the same page, minus the business suit.
KIRK: Good to hear that.
MIKE: Yeah. I like that. Jeans tucked into boots and…
KIRK: Do you like flat boots or high heels?
MIKE: High heels.
KIRK: Good for you! Mike, you’re coming to the fashion side.
MIKE: But, like, an old faded t-shirt that’s skin tight on a sick body is fabulous. Tank top again with the cowboy hat is fabulous. Digging that look.
KIRK: Wow. I don’t know. I guess I’m more classic or whatever. I just love like skirts. I love girls in skirts. And put those in boots, and that’s like the ultimate outfit for me.
MIKE: When you’re flipping through magazines and stuff, do you like chicks that dress in like Playboy bunny outfits and stuff like that or…?
KIRK: Like costume-y stuff?
MIKE: Yes. Costume-y outfits.
KIRK: I don’t dig costume-y stuff at all, but what I really do love is just when it’s genuine, like if it’s a real sexy librarian.
MIKE: Right, I like that too.
KIRK: But I gotta do an aside here, I got this funny librarian story. I went into the library, and this girl’s there, and she’s the librarian, right? She’s real young. She’s probably like, I don’t know, under 22 or something. And so I’m looking at her, and she has one of those tops on, and I don’t know what they’re called. It kind of goes tightly underneath her breast and then it hangs down. You know what I mean?
MIKE: It looks like she might be pregnant, you don’t know.
KIRK: So that’s what, dude, and she had like a big belly, and I was like, “Oh, wow, when are you due?” and she’s like…
MIKE: No, you didn’t!
KIRK: I swear to God, she looked so pregnant. Like she really looked pregnant, and she’s like, “I’m not due. I will never wear this shirt again.”
MIKE: Oh my God.
KIRK: She felt so bad, and I go, “Ah man, you gotta forgive me. That’s just, that was just retarded. I’m just a guy, you know. I don’t.” The shirt threw me, that’s what I said, you know?
MIKE: I would have said I was talking to the book, you know, “When are you due?”
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Kirk, let me just tell you. I hate those shirts, and you should also now, especailly after that story. I mean, those are the most, they’re basically built for women that have an alright boob, alright boob size and a little bit of a gut cuz they really hide that.
KIRK: I don’t think they hide the gut, I think they make it look like, they accentuate the gut, no?
MIKE: No, because I’ve seen it on girls that have a little bit of a gut. I’ve seen them in different outfits. They got a little bit of a gut and it kind of hides some of that. But girls that have nice bodies that wear it, it sucks. I mean, I’ve seen it on nice bodies too, and it’s a horrible, horrible look.
KIRK: God, I felt so bad man.
MIKE: I saw that one coming. I can’t believe, ech!
KIRK: I know, but hey, we gotta take a break, but we’ll come right back and do the rest of the fashion show.
MIKE: Alright, sounds good.
KIRK: Just hang on everyone, and we’ll be right back, and you’ll learn more about this nonsense.

–COMMERCIAL–

Woman: Hi, I’m Cathy Malkasian, I’m the author of Percy Gloom, which is a graphic novel. And a graphic novel is by definition, I think, a comic that’s over a hundred pages. It’s really a neat medium. The great part about doing comics is that when words fail you, you got pictures, and vice versa. They really complement each other. It’s very free. It’s been really surprising. Pretty good feedback overall. Most of it has been from really respectable sources. This is going to sound really, really presumptuous but I got so disgusted with world affairs. Because, you know, what’s going on in the world right now is so ridiculous. People are just wiggin’ out. So I had to sort of make a satire of human folly, and humor is definitely subjective. But let’s just say, it’s an adult book, but if you left it on the coffee table and your 4-year-old picked it up, there isn’t anything in there that you’d have to, you know, worry about. My website is www.percygloom.com.

–SEGMENT 2–

MIKE: Hey welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re glad you stuck around for the big fashion show.
MIKE: Yes, absolutely, and speaking of that fashion show.
KIRK: We’re learning a lot, we’re learning a lot here. Go ahead, Mike.
MIKE: Yes, we are learning. Never ask a pregnant woman that’s not pregnant if she’s pregnant.
KIRK: Ugh, oh my God, that was the only time. But I was so sure she was pregnant. I mean, I never, I’ve been tempted several times, but this one, I was so positive she was pregnant. And she was totally not. I mean.
MIKE: Clothes are very misleading on that kind of thing.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: But I want to ask you, this is something that drives me a little batty and I don’t wanna see. Pregnant women in bikinis.
KIRK: I gotta agree with you, Mike. I mean, I know it’s the body and it’s beautiful and everything like that, right?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: But you know what, I just think it’s not the most attractive.
MIKE: No, neither is a half shirt on a pregnant woman either.
KIRK: No, I don’t think so, but then again, like, the worst thing in the world. One of my biggest pet peeves is a half shirt on someone with a beer gut. Dude, that is like the grossest. You see that a lot, like the County Fair or whatever, man? That is just retarded.
MIKE: That’s true, right. No, I agree, it works both ways. No, but on this show, we’re talking about women.
KIRK: No, no. I’m talking about women.
MIKE: Oh. I’ve seen that too.
KIRK: You know with the half shirt?
MIKE: Yes I know it.
KIRK: And they got a big gut coming out? That’s just so bad.
MIKE: Ech, God, no, I agree with you. And for some reason, somehow they feel that’s accepted.
KIRK: Well no, they’re like flaunting it. They’re like, “That’s me, and I’m all me. And just love me or not.” You know? And they’re just like going for it, and I’m like, “Yo, have a little dignity.” I mean, I don’t know. But back to your sleeveless dress thing with the gloves.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: I had a thought about that. Like gloves to me, they really really work, but only if they’re leather. Like if they’re like satin like going to a high school prom, you know that shiny like satin fake glove?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: It just seems like bogus. And it doesn’t work at all.
MIKE: You know what’s funny is that that doesn’t bother me.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah doesn’t bother me.
KIRK: I love gloves. I love women in long black leather gloves, like opera length where you know it goes up to the shoulder?
MIKE: I kind of dig that too.
KIRK: And it’s kind of classy, and kind of, it’s a European thing, sort of.
MIKE: Do you like fishnet stockings or pantyhose of any type?
KIRK: Excellent question.
MIKE: Thank you.
KIRK: I changed on that. I used to like it. Like when I was in my 20s, I used to dig that, like the whole fishnet thing. And now I can’t stand it, cannot stand it.
MIKE: What’s that all about?
KIRK: I don’t know, maybe I became too much of a cliché or something? I don’t know why it changed for me, but now what I really is just a bare leg. And if they’re cold. If it’s cold, like you’re from Chicago, then it’d be great to see, oh of course, your Seven jeans. But what I would like to see is if it’s really cold, I’d like to see tights, like colored tights. I can’t stand to see skin tones like pantyhose or nylons that are like skin tone. Pantyhose are cool if they’re like white or if they’re like mustard color or something that’s not like clear, but when it’s that fake skin color, that’s a big turn off for me.
MIKE: When you’re saying colored tights, are you saying color like blue or yellow?
KIRK: That’s cool. I would take blue or yellow.
MIKE: Really?
KIRK: Or I would take dark, like if they’re black or you know, dark green or something. But just because, I don’t know, the skin tone, the pantyhose, the kind that the bad guys in the movies wear over their face.
MIKE: Right, right, right.
KIRK: Those things just, they gross me out man. And then you see those toes, like if they have open toe shoes and you see that color all bunched up, whereas if it was a real solid color, it wouldn’t matter to me. Do you know what I mean?
MIKE: I do.
KIRK: So just tights would be good, like if it’s cold. Or the best thing would be thigh-high boots. That would be the bomb for me.
MIKE: That’s your favorite isn’t it?
KIRK: Oh my God, especially if they’re really expensive ones and don’t have too pointed of a toe. You know, kind of more rounded?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: But what about you with tights or pantyhose?
MIKE: Uh, black I like. The rest, not so much.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Black what?
MIKE: Black tights…pantyhose.
KIRK: What about fishnet?
MIKE: It doesn’t do anything for me. Never did.
KIRK: It’s such a cliché huh?
MIKE: Yeah, kinda, yeah.
KIRK: It’s trashy.
MIKE: I don’t mind trashy. You know, every now and then, you know, I like my girl to dress up as a whore. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with that.
KIRK: That’s what I’m talking about.
MIKE: That’s what I’m talking about.
KIRK: Yeah, but you don’t like to talk dirty, man, and so I would, if she was dressed up like a whore, I would be talking so much smack. No? I’d be like talking so dirty to her if she’s a whore. “You filthy bitch!”
MIKE: Different show.
KIRK: It’s just funny that, you know, you want her to dress up like a whore, but you don’t want to play it out.
MIKE: I mean, I’ve had a whore. I didn’t talk dirty to her. So I don’t know what playing it out means.
KIRK: That’s good.
MIKE: You know?
KIRK: That’s funny. Are there things that bug you about fashion?
MIKE: Turtlenecks.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: I don’t care for turtlenecks.
KIRK: I love turtlenecks.
MIKE: Of course you do.
KIRK: Of course I do.
MIKE: You and I don’t always see eye to eye.
KIRK: But does it always, it bugs you or does it just not do anything for you?
MIKE: It doesn’t do anything for me. Skintight jeans on a body that they shouldn’t be skintight bothers me.
KIRK: Wait, skintight jeans on a body that they’re too tight? Like the girl’s heavy or…?
MIKE: You know for some reason, even skinny girls, it makes. It can take a nice ass and make it look bad, do you know what I’m talking about?
KIRK: Yeah, you know what’s a really bad fashion idea? Skin tight jeans and when you have like bow legs or if you have too much space between their legs and you wear skin tight jeans, it looks funky.
MIKE: I agree with you, big gap in their legs?
KIRK: Isn’t that weird?
MIKE: I agree with you, it looks terrible.
KIRK: It’s weird, they should like, it doesn’t work, they should just have looser jeans or wear a skirt or something, you know?
MIKE: Right, right. Is there anything that bothers you?
KIRK: Um.
MIKE: I’ll tell you what bothers me a little bit also are oversized college sweatshirts.
KIRK: Yo, I’m so…I totally agree with you.
MIKE: Thank you.
KIRK: You know what I love? I mean, this is a cliché. We were talking about the fishnet stockings, but I love the cliché of the women wearing the men’s dress shirt and like just panties. I just think that’s awesome.
MIKE: I dig that too.
KIRK: You know what I mean?
MIKE: I think that’s a hot, hot look.
KIRK: It’s kind of cliché but I dig it.
MIKE: I’ll tell you what. I like any girl that I’m dating wearing any shirt that I have.
KIRK: Oh yeah?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: That’s cool. Like just wearing around the house or wearing out?
MIKE: No, wearing around the house.
KIRK: Okay, I want to tell you, I do have one thing that really really bugs me so much. I call it like elf shoes. Do you ever see girls with really really really pointy shoes?
MIKE: Hate those.
KIRK: Dude, I do too.
MIKE: Hate those. Nicely done Kirk.
KIRK: Oh.
MIKE: Hate those. I haven’t seen those in a couple years.
KIRK: Oh my God. I work in a big office.
MIKE: Are they still real hot?
KIRK: Oh my God. They’re just, I’d say about four out of five women wear high heels cuz it’s an office, and like honest to God, three out of five of them are insanely pointed. I call them elf shoes.
MIKE: Yeah, they’re horrible. I know exactly what you’re talking about.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: They’re ugly as sin. I agree.
KIRK: Yo, and it’s like, you can just measure. From the front of their toe, there’s probably like three inches of air, and it’s like almost like a clown shoe that’s pointed, you know what I mean?
MIKE: Right, right. It’s a horrible, horrible shoe.
KIRK: Gosh. Why do they do that? They could just like, I think they think it’s really feminine or whatever, but they could just have like a more fitted toe, like rounded or square or anything that’s not like this huge protruding sort of like weird artificial toe. And then what happens is when they walk, Mike, because they’re so long in front, they have to like actually open up their feet wider towards the outside so they walk with their feet out?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: Yeah because you can’t walk straight because you can’t bend your foot like that with that big pointed thing on there?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And I just think it looks so odd.
MIKE: I agree.
KIRK: Wow, I’m glad we agree.
MIKE: Ugly shoes, I agree with you.
KIRK: And I mean, like, pointy is cool but like that clown shoe pointy or like the elf shoe pointy, that is just a big pet peeve I have.
MIKE: I agree.
KIRK: You know?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: My God. Glad to hear that.
MIKE: No, no, no. Kirk, I’m 100% with you on those.
KIRK: Wow. Good.
MIKE: Those are bad.
KIRK: Do you like when girls wear shoes in bed?
MIKE: What, like you’re going to get down and get dirty with them?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I guess I never really thought about it. I don’t think many girls that I’ve been with wear shoes in bed.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, no. Why, do you like girls with shoes on?
KIRK: Yeah, man. It’s like they just drop their skirt and you go for it, and it’s like, I think it’s really sexy.
MIKE: That does sound hot. I don’t think I’ve had that though.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah, I haven’t.
KIRK: Yeah, it’s like if they have great shoes, if they have the pointed elf shoes, no. But you’re getting going, and the skirt drops, and of course, your girls always have pants on. The jeans. Then I think it’s kind of like sexy to have shoes in bed.
MIKE: My girls don’t always have jeans on, Kirk. Sarongs are pretty hot that I like.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: Yeah, and those are very easy access.
KIRK: So that’s just a one thing that wraps around right?
MIKE: Yeah, I like those.
KIRK: What do you think about girls that wear no underwear out?
MIKE: I love it. I prefer g-string over anything cuz I just like to have a little something to grab onto. I also find it very hot, like I’ve dated girls that wear no underwear, and I’ll like undo a button and there’s nothing there, and it’s just like whoo, hey, jump right in, which is fucking great.
KIRK: It’s like a surprise? Wahoo!
MIKE: Yeah I love it. And also like, when a girl’s wearing a miniskirt and no underwear, love that.
KIRK: Yeah, but you wouldn’t want to see it. You’d just want to discover it right?
MIKE: Well sometimes, no. Sometimes like if I’m out, I’d like to see…
KIRK: Like only you know about it?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah, exactly. She’ll put herself in a position so that I can see what’s going on under there, and I dig that. How about you?
KIRK: Um yeah, I think that depends. I think really sexy underwear is sexy, just like, I mean it’s lingerie. But if they’re going au naturale, I think that’s cool too. I don’t have a strong preference either way. Yeah, what do you think about total nudity, now that we did the whole fashion thing? I mean, like would you rather see a girl completely nude walking around or let’s say your house, or would you prefer her clothed?
MIKE: Yeah, I love walking around the house naked with my girlfriend.
KIRK: Both you guys?
MIKE: Yeah, especially her.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Well Mike, this is our fashion show.
MIKE: Kirk, I loved it. Great topic.
KIRK: Yeah, we gotta wrap this sucker up and move on. Next week, we’re going to try a couple new things. We’re still going to get some women on the street, but we haven’t been out in a while. Been real busy.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: With some questions. Maybe we’ll answer some emails next time. But it’s really fun to get together with you, Mike, and I learned a lot about you.
MIKE: You as well, Kirk. Always. Every time I see you, I learn more and more.
KIRK: That’s funny. Thanks for joining us everyone.
MIKE: Yes thank you.
KIRK: And we’ll talk to you next week.
MIKE: Take care!

–

KIRK: Alright. Let’s give a big thanks to Kelly who’s doing our transcribing out there on the web and to Greg who’s doing this amazing audio mix for us. He’s in Berkeley. Kelly’s in Harvard, and that’s it. I gotta go boots shopping with Pamela. Ciao, Mike.

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Episode 009 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE NINE

August 23, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kind of ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, so kind of that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh, t-shirts, and uh, clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

KIRK: Welcome everyone to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And thanks for coming everyone. This is great. We’re glad you’re back for another show. Hey we had a great show last week. We had Sloan Taylor in, just a girl living in the world. And you know, she came by to drop by the studio. What did you think of that Mike?
MIKE: I thought it was great. How much fun was Sloan?
KIRK: It was fun. I gotta say it was really fun to have a girl in here.
MIKE: Yeah, it added a different dynamic to what we usually do because it’s just you and I hanging out in your kitchen normally. And yeah, Sloan was awesome. Like I didn’t know what to expect when she was coming in here.
KIRK: I didn’t know if she was going to be a dog or I didn’t know if her body was gonna be ew, you know.
MIKE: Do you think you would have acted differently on the show if she was unattractive as opposed to her being attractive? Let me rephrase that. Do you react differently to an attractive woman being around you as opposed to an unattractive woman?
KIRK: I mean, I don’t know if women do. But men totally do. And I’ll give you an example. This is true, alright? I was driving down this street, this busy street, and this girl just suddenly juts in front of the traffic and starts walking across the street, you know. And she’s in her jogging outfit or whatever and she’s going across, and she’s real cute, blond girl. So I slow down, and I kind of stop, alright? I let the other cars back up behind me, and she walks across. And I start going, you know what, I bet you if she was like some dude or if she wasn’t that cute, I probably wouldn’t have done that. And then I felt like weird, like well that was kind of sexist or whatever.
MIKE: Yeah sometimes if she’s not so attractive, I’ll try to run her over in that same situation. I’m kidding, Kirk.
KIRK: I guess you just want contention, Mike. You just wanna like fight some chick. I should just get the mud wrestling pit out.
MIKE: Yeah, that sounds like a good time actually.
KIRK: Why do guys like to mud wrestle? What the hell?
MIKE: Well I don’t know guys that like to mud wrestle. But actually, it’s funny that you bring that up, because about two summers ago, this girl that I briefly dated. She looked like a hotter version of Sandra Bullock. Dark hair, pierced tongue, a couple of tattoos. But the reason I really remember her though goes back to her and a bunch of her real estate agent friends had a bet, who was the best mud wrestler. And so, yeah, lo and behold, she’s invited me to a mud wrestling party up in the Topanga Canyon area.
KIRK: You wrestle chicks or guys?
MIKE: Chicks, chicks, all chicks. So it was bring your own beer, you know, there was one of those plastic swimming pools set up.
KIRK: And the fake mud? Or real mud?
MIKE: Filled with mud, and the chicks, there was probably like seven or eight of them, all real estate agents, and dude I had never seen, except for, you know, the movie Stripes and John Candy’s in there wrestling with a couple chicks. I’ve never seen it live, let alone somebody that I know.
KIRK: Neither have I.
MIKE: Oh, it was fantastic.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: It was fantastic.
KIRK: No way. What the hell? What did you like about it? Like why does the mud have to be in there?
MIKE: The mud has to be in there because when they get all slicked up and gross and like their hair is slicked back and they’re just like having trouble moving around, it’s fucking hot.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Very.
KIRK: So, women in distress?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. And they can’t get a grip on anything. So like, they’re like you know, they’re trying to grab your face and put your face and push it into the mud, but it slips off and they end up ripping the top off some chick. And now she’s got those mud covered tits which, it’s got like a really, like they’re almost have clothing but it’s not. It’s just mud. And it’s just fucking hot.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: And girls, I mean, these are girls that are friends. But you know, you put a little money on the line, you’re betting with each other, and they are out for fucking blood.
KIRK: How do they win? Like they pin somebody down?
MIKE: They pin somebody down. I think they had to hold them down for 3 to 5 seconds or something like that.
KIRK: Why wouldn’t you want to have like oil? Like baby oil okay instead of mud?
MIKE: I would have been fine with that.
KIRK: You would have?
MIKE: Oh yeah.
KIRK: It seems so random to me. Like mud of all things? Like why would you wrestle in mud?
MIKE: Kirk, thing about it. There’s like six or seven women. How do you get, like that are professional, like you know, make 6 figures a year?
KIRK: So this is nothing that they do all the time? This is the first time they’d ever done it?
MIKE: No. They’d never done it. And a lot of them, you know, knew each other for a couple years. Some of them knew each other for a couple months, and there were a couple girls that just came by and, you know, heard about the party, and said, “Fuck it, I’ll give it a try.” And they walked in there and started wrestling.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: It was great.
KIRK: Okay, let me ask you this.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Would you ever mud wrestle dudes?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: I mean it’s just funny that girls would just jump right in there and do it because it’s just girls, but that dudes wouldn’t just jump in there and do it.
MIKE: You know, there’s probably a group of guys that would do that. I mean, would you do that?
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Would you enjoy watching a bunch of girls wrestle in the mud though?
KIRK: I guess. I mean.
MIKE: You would. Trust me.
KIRK: Yeah, I would, okay. I like your idea of seeing the women in distress, you know. They’re all like mussed up, and they’re all…
MIKE: And you know, part of it is that it’s fun too. I mean, they’re all laughing because it’s so silly. But then, they realize that money’s on the line and they want to win. I think we all had to chip in like 10 or 15 bucks or something that went to the winner.
KIRK: Was it the competitive thing, or were they really going for the money? I mean, do you think they really wanted the 200 bucks or was it the competitive?
MIKE: Competitive.
KIRK: Yeah, because it could have been for 10 dollars, right?
MIKE: Right. Exactly.
KIRK: Okay. Wow, that’s a trip.
MIKE: Yeah, but, you know, it’s also so goofy that they’re laughing when they’re pinning each other. You know, they got legs pinned up behind their heads and stuff. I mean, it’s hot.
KIRK: Doesn’t all that mud get into their eyes and nostrils and stuff?
MIKE: And their coochy?
KIRK: I don’t care about that, but your eyes. Wouldn’t it hurt you?
MIKE: I really wasn’t thinking about that, Kirk.
KIRK: I mean, all that mud. They don’t tear each other’s clothes off or anything?
MIKE: They were in bikinis, and yeah. I mean, tops came off. Bottoms got pulled, like ass crack was hanging out and stuff.
KIRK: Yeah. That’s so funny, Mike.
MIKE: Aw, dude, it was great.
KIRK: I’ve never seen it. I’d never cared to. I guess if it was live and you were there and you could, you know, see it progress, it’d be kind of fun.
MIKE: Right, so that’s the mud wrestling story.
KIRK: That’s a good one.
MIKE: Yeah, that wasn’t too bad, was it?
KIRK: Hey, I wanted to tell you. I had to go to jury duty this week, and it was so crazy because you’re stuck in this room all day long waiting to see if you’re going to go to jury duty. So I’m looking at these two people. I saw, yeah I saw these two different women that I wanted to tell you about. Now one of them, pretty cute girl, alright? Like I would say she looks like kind of like a girl next door. You know, maybe she’s like, I don’t know, 38. And she has this mole on the side of her jaw, right? Now, out of the mole is growing this huge long hair. It was about an inch and a half long, this freaking hair. I’m not kidding you. I could not stop staring at it. I felt like I was in a David Lynch movie, you know? It was just so weird. And I thought, well just cut the thing off or pull it out or whatever, but she just let the thing grow. Is that weird? Otherwise, a perfectly normal, attractive girl.
MIKE: If you on the radio could see my face right now. Ugh. That is just one of the most disgusting things, Kirk.
KIRK: I’m telling you!
MIKE: I’m glad you brought that up.
KIRK: Dude, it was, wait, I couldn’t stop staring at it because it just seemed so out of place. Like there’s one freaking hair there, so just cut the hair. Or get some tweezers.
MIKE: How long was the hair?
KIRK: Like, it was like an inch and a half long.
MIKE: Dude, you should have just walked up to her, grabbed the hair on the mole and flossed your teeth with it.
KIRK: Oh God, that’s so gross.
MIKE: And walked away.
KIRK: Dude, you’re making me sick now. That’s so disgusting.
MIKE: You shouldn’t even be allowed out in public with something like that. It’s just so, seriously, does she not look in the mirror?
KIRK: I think there’s this thing that says, you know, if you pluck the hair, the mole gets worse or grows cancerous or something. I don’t know, but it was just…
MIKE: Can’t you just shave the mole?
KIRK: Oh man. I guess, yeah. I mean, it was just foul. And don’t talk about flossing teeth with that thing anymore. I’m going to puke.
MIKE: Sorry.
KIRK: That’s just disgusting, Mike.
MIKE: That made me think, my brother. Everybody’s got a mole story, and you’ve got a mole out there and you’re listening to this, this is what guys really think about moles. And I believe women. They’re fucking disgusting, get them taken off, those things that just hang, dangle off your head. I mean, those are the worst. Where you look like you can flick it and it’s going to go flying off across the room. They have to go. My brother dated this girl whose best friend was this very attractive girl who had one of those moles that was off the skin. It was like this little ball above her left eyebrow. And I would see her about every seven or eight months.
KIRK: Those are usually the white kind, right?
MIKE: No, no. This was dark.
KIRK: Oh you know what I mean by the white ones? Older Irish guys get them, the white ones. It’s like off your skin. It like sticks out, and it’s not a black mole. It’s like a white…you don’t know what I’m talking about.
MIKE: I don’t think I do.
KIRK: Well anyway, so go ahead.
MIKE: I mean, I talked about this nonstop with my brother and my friends that had met her. I mean, this thing became a point of conversation, and I barely knew this chick, but it was just like, “Oh, molehead’s coming” because we knew when she was coming and we would literally like, after we see her and say hello, try not to laugh at her face, and we’d walk over to the corner. And especially a couple of my buddies, and we’d talk about like putting a rat on top of it to gnaw it off, just like, flicking this thing off. And it’s just so amazing, how especially with today’s science, just fucking get the thing taken off.
KIRK: Yeah, like you could burn it off, cut it off, freeze it off, you know.
MIKE: It’s just like. Unless you’re Cindy Crawford, which is a different kind of mole which is hot.
KIRK: You like the Cindy Crawford mole?
MIKE: I like that, and I can guarantee you there’s no inch and a half hair growing out of that thing.
KIRK: Well, why is hers okay? Just because it’s not sticking out of the skin?
MIKE: Yeah, moles don’t bother me.
KIRK: Like if it’s like a big freckle, then it’s cool.
MIKE: A big freckle is fine. The kind that are protruding from your coconut…
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: …that look like you can take like, you know, a piece of string and wrap it around it and pull it real quick and the thing’s going to pop off.
KIRK: This is so gross, dude.
MIKE: I’m glad you brought it up though because this is really important for women out there who have these things to know.
KIRK: Oh God. What about dudes?
MIKE: Well, that’s inexcusable as well.
KIRK: I mean, yeah, I would never stand for that. I would get it taken out so fast.
MIKE: So fast. You know what, it’s like, let me ask you this, Kirk. If you’re what, well it’s your wife, say you’re just dating Pamela, and it’s in the beginning stages. And she shows up to a date, and she’s got a big ass whitehead on her face. You know those kinds that look like they’re just ready to pop?
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: Would you say anything about it or would you go on with your date as if nothing… it doesn’t even exist?
KIRK: Well, if it’s early on, I probably wouldn’t say anything. But as I got to get to know her, I probably would. And you want to hear something really gross? I would ask if I could pop it.
MIKE: I like that.
KIRK: I really would.
MIKE: I’m with you on that.
KIRK: I’d go, “Hey, is it cool if I take that thing out of here?”
MIKE: A lot of people would be grossed out about that.
KIRK: I know.
MIKE: Like you were with the dental floss?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I actually appreciate that, and if I wasn’t so busy making these podcasts, I’d probably study to be a dermatologist just because I love popping zits.
KIRK: You do? What’s that from?
MIKE: You know, I’ve been out before on dates where you go out to eat, and the girl will say, even on the first date. Like, “You know what, if I got something on my face, just tell me.”
KIRK: That’s cool.
MIKE: I totally…I dig that. I love it.
KIRK: It opens up the door for you.
MIKE: Absolutely. But the girl who never tells you that is the girl who has the whitehead or the blackhead that’s just sitting there staring at you.
KIRK: Right. Well what if they don’t know?
MIKE: They know.
KIRK: No, what if they don’t know? What if they did their face and everything, and everything is cool, and you know, they didn’t see it for like the last hour and half and it just developed? Like, maybe they popped it, I know this is gross, but maybe they popped it and it reemerged, you know, in an hour and a half?
MIKE: That’s a good point. Then I hope when they go to the bathroom and they come back out, that thing’s gone, and there’s a little spot of blood there.
KIRK: That’s true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s true.
MIKE: So you know that she really got into it.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I will say, my brother. One of my brothers does not pop zits. And of course, when he had his acne phase, he had the best zits in town that I would have just loved to have gotten rid of for him. But he doesn’t believe, he feels like it’s going to screw up his skin.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: I don’t know how you leave the house like that. I don’t know how you do.
KIRK: I mean, I understand because he’s afraid to get the scars, you know? Pamela was telling me that even when she goes to spas. I go, “What do they even do in a facial? I have no idea what they do.” And you know what she told me? First of all, they rub you with all this stuff and put warm things on your face or whatever. Then they have this woman who like gets all your blackheads out. I didn’t know that. I just thought they rubbed your face and put some kind of lotion on there, you know? And she actually said someone, you know, exfoliates you and gets your blackheads out.
MIKE: What a great gig.
KIRK: You like that a lot? Really?
MIKE: Yeah. I’d do that in a heartbeat.
KIRK: Now what do you like about it?
MIKE: I don’t know. I like watching things pop.
KIRK: You do? Yeah, I like that too.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: I always pop those little air bubbles for shipping containers, you know? Those little air bubbles?
MIKE: Right, right. I know those. But you know those zits that you get that just really hurt?
KIRK: It’s good when you get a good juicy one out, huh?
MIKE: It is good.
KIRK: Yeah, but I had a thought on this, Mike. You know, I saw this girl, and she had really terrible acne scars. She was, you know, mid-30s, whatever, and she had really terrible acne scars. This was another girl at the courthouse. And you know what I thought? I thought, Gosh, you know, bet she feels really ashamed about those scars, and I bet she feels really bad about it and everything. But for me, I never like judged her on that, because I just thought they’re just acne scars, and she still has a nice face. And I mean, I never thought anything bad, but I was wondering if she was thinking bad things about her own appearance, you know? And then I thought to other women that I’ve known through the years that have had pretty bad pockmarks and everything, and I guess I never really thought that the acne scars was like a problem. What do you think about that?
MIKE: In a lot of cases, I think they can cover it up pretty good with makeup, can’t they?
KIRK: But do they need to? What if they come out of the shower?
MIKE: Uh, yeah, I do think they need to.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: Yeah, I hooked up at a Christmas party, at a company Christmas party, that had some serious pockmarks that I really didn’t notice until I was up close making out with her that she had those things going on. But it didn’t matter because she had a rock solid body and she was like 22 and I was in my early 30s. And it was awesome, but that’s a separate story. Um yeah, I’m a little more superficial.
KIRK: I mean, I guess what I really mean to say is, for me, like okay, this twenty, how old is that girl? 20 something?
MIKE: She was probably 23 or 24 at the time.
KIRK: I mean, so for me, it’s kind of like a beautiful thing that has a mark in it, which makes it even more beautiful, you know what I mean? It’s not all perfect and flawless. It’s perfect, but it’s real. So like it’s attainable and accessible. Do you know what I mean? I’m not saying it works for me. I’m saying it’s nothing bad for me. I mean, I could see a beautiful woman with, you know, some pockmarks from twenty years ago or whatever, and it’s like fine. And then guys have it, like James Gandolfini or whatever, the guy from Sopranos. And you know, it’s okay. His face is all pockmarked up, but it’s okay because he’s a dude. It gives him character.
MIKE: Yeah, and I think Brad Pitt’s got that situation going on too.
KIRK: Does he?
MIKE: Yeah, he’s got that going on. Yeah, I think everything’s different for guys.
KIRK: But no one, yeah I guess so, no one says anything about Brad Pitt or anything. I mean, I never even heard about it.
MIKE: I heard him and Cameron Diaz also has pretty bad skin.
KIRK: I could see Cameron Diaz having it. I think she always seems to have a lot of makeup on.
MIKE: Yeah. But these are the two women you noticed in the courthouse today, huh?
KIRK: Yeah. No, no, and I have one more.
MIKE: Oh okay.
KIRK: The other woman I saw in the courthouse. There’s something I wanted to run by you because I know you like chicks in thongs, right?
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: You like it when they’re…?
MIKE: Hanging out?
KIRK: Well yeah. When they bend over and you see a little thong coming up from the jeans?
MIKE: Love it.
KIRK: He loves it.
MIKE: Love it, love it.
KIRK: So here’s one for you. This is true, dude. Okay, there’s this, you know, decently attractive woman. So she’s bending over doing whatever and like looking in her purse or whatever, and the thong, it’s just like you like it, it’s out above the jeans, but it’s okay. She has it pulled over her shirt. Like I swear to God. Now here’s the thing. You know like the tail of her shirt, her thong was pulled over the tail of her shirt.
MIKE: So she tucked her shirt inside of the thong?
KIRK: But guess what, though, it wasn’t a mistake. It was kind of like a filmy blouse, kind of like see through-y kind of thing. I mean, you could tell it was a statement she was making. It was a kind of fashion thing. Like the thing was in her thong. Her shirt was in her thong.
MIKE: Okay. Are you sure she was trying to make some sort of fashion statement or maybe to keep her shirt in, instead of having a belt or something, she tucked it into her thong?
KIRK: It was just like bizarre.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: I was like, what the.
MIKE: Sounds horrible.
KIRK: So that was my big day in court there.
MIKE: Did you ask her to stop bending over?
KIRK: No, I was just so puzzled by it. I was like, what in the world?
MIKE: Alright, Kirk, so that was quite a day at the old courthouse for you.
KIRK: Yeah. Alright, we’ll be right back.

–COMMERCIAL–

Girl: I’m Christina. Three years ago when I was pregnant, I was trying to figure out how I could bring in some money to my soon-to-be-expanding family while staying at home. When my husband and I were cleaning up the guestroom to make the nursery, we came across an old Beta max VCR from the early 80s. My husband goes, “I bet nobody on earth has one of these relics anymore. I bet their home movies are going to rot forever.” “Oh my God, honey, we can transfer all those home movies to DVD for people! It’s a win-win. I get to stay home and nest while the movies transfer!” Bingo, our DVD transfer business was born along with our son Jason. Now they’re both well and thriving. We even expanded our transfer business to include all video formats, in between playing in the mud. Feel free to come by our website: www.betasptodvd.com.

–SEGMENT 2–

KIRK: Hey welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
MIKE: Kirk, we were just talking before the break about, you know, moles on the head, thongs being tucked into shirts. You basically…
KIRK: Pockmarks.
MIKE: Pockmarks. Tragedy. Tragedy on women. Which made me think of, are there any flaws on women that turn you on? For example, like some guys like chicks that have fanged teeth. You know what I mean?
KIRK: That’s really interesting. That’s a really good question.
MIKE: I have a friend who’s quick to point out. Well I’ll just say this, he’s going to die alone. Because I mean, everything just drives him nuts. He’ll be like, “Her eyes are too close together. Look, her mouth curls on one side and doesn’t on the other. Look, one ear is smaller than the other.”
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah.
KIRK: What the hell?
MIKE: Yeah, I know.
KIRK: Oh my God, that would just be awful.
MIKE: It’s a rough road that he can’t overcome things.
KIRK: Yeah, he needs absolute perfection.
MIKE: He does.
KIRK: That’s terrible. Okay, well what about something that, you said, does something excite you? What excites you? Like what’s a flaw that would excite you or make you kind of attracted or interested?
MIKE: I’m trying to figure it out.
KIRK: I got one.
MIKE: Okay, go on.
KIRK: When you have a beautiful girl and everything’s all proportionate and everything’s great, sometimes I think it’s kind of hot if something’s a little wacky. Like for example, what if she has like really big ears, but she’s…really fine features and really big ears? I think that’s so cute. It’s like so cute, and it’s kind of attractive. Another one that’s kind of the same idea is if a girl has really fine features, like her whole body and everything, and everything’s working. And she has like kind of a big honker of a nose? I think it’s kind of like becoming and cute. I mean, I guess there’s something about imperfection, a little bit of imperfection, that makes it, I don’t know, gives it a little something. Kind of like Cindy Crawford’s mole. You know how she’s got that mole? If she didn’t have the mole, she wouldn’t be Cindy Crawford, and it gives it a little more something.
MIKE: I don’t think there’s any imperfection that really turns me on, now that I’m thinking about it. I think there’s things that give character. Girl I dated got into car accident. She had a scar going across her stomach. She had a kick ass stomach with this scar that I think she’s trying to get surgically removed to this day, but it never bothered me. I thought it was cool, but she had this, she was hugely self conscious about it.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah. I will go on record.
KIRK: Did you actually tell her it was hot?
MIKE: Yeah, I told her I liked it.
KIRK: Like the girl I was talking about with the fine features and the bigger nose or the big ears, that wouldn’t necessarily turn me on. But what it would do, it would really warm me to them. It would make me really feel like empathy for them and like attracted in a funny way.
MIKE: Right, yeah, that I agree with. Exactly. I’m with you on that. So there are flaws that make a person, a woman more attractive.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Kirk, let me see your ears real quick. Turn your head real quick. Are those hooked onto your head? Do you have like a little gap or are they completely hooked on?
KIRK: Oh yeah. That’s a genetic thing. Yeah, they’re hooked on. Yours aren’t.
MIKE: Right. Thank God you’re a guy. That’s probably my biggest pet peeve on chicks.
KIRK: What?
MIKE: And they can’t even…have nothing to do with it.
KIRK: Why?
MIKE: Is that the ears that are hooked to the head.
KIRK: Yeah, that’s a genetic trait that scientists use to measure different human traits.
MIKE: Yeah, well, it’s a nightmare to me.
KIRK: Are you serious? You’ve got to be joking, you’ve got to be joking.
MIKE: And it’s so unattractive to me. I swear to God. I swear to God, I’m going to go to hell for that.
KIRK: You’ve got to be joking me.
MIKE: I’m not joking, and by the way, you learn very well.
KIRK: When I was in science class, I learned it. That’s one of the distinguishing traits that people have. It’s like, you have a gene that gives you that or doesn’t. Dude, you are whack man. I can’t associate with you anymore.
MIKE: Dude, you don’t have to date me. And trust me…
KIRK: It’s just their ears. Come on now.
MIKE: Trust me. With those ears, I wouldn’t even date you.
KIRK: So you want to have like the little…? Oh I see. Is it for earrings? Is that why?
MIKE: No, it just drives…for some reason, completely attached to the head just makes me whacky.
KIRK: What if she was like a 10 body?
MIKE: Then she’s alright as long as her hair covers up her ears, but when it comes to…
KIRK: Dude.
MIKE: But when she pulls it over, dude, I kid you not, it’s kind of a deal breaker for me.
KIRK: Dude, that is just whack, man. Man, you are like nuts, man.
MIKE: It is kind of…
KIRK: Sorry, I mean, it’s a deal breaker? Are you serious?
MIKE: I swear to God.
KIRK: It’s a freaking deal breaker?
MIKE: It’s a deal breaker. It’s one of those things that I can’t get over.
KIRK: Are you sure your friend who’s the perfectionist dude isn’t you?
MIKE: See what happens when you start talking to him a little too much?
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: No, it’s definitely not me.
KIRK: You have got to be kidding me.
MIKE: I swear. And you know what, sometimes when I like a girl when I meet her, I’m hoping, and I haven’t seen her ears, I’m hoping to God that they’re not attached. Because I get nervous because if they’re attached, it’s trouble.
KIRK: Jesus! Are you serious? This is like…is this April Fools?
MIKE: No, it is so bad. It is so bad, but it’s just one thing that sorta bothers me. And I’ll tell you what. Yours don’t even look like they’re attached. I’m sitting probably 8 feet from you.
KIRK: And now are you going to not even be my friend anymore?
MIKE: I’ll still be your friend. I just won’t date you.
KIRK: Dude, that is the craziest thing I have ever heard. Girls, this is an anomaly. He is like totally, I’ve never heard this in my whole life from any guy. Ever.
MIKE: I agree. I’ve brought this up to other buddies.
KIRK: When in the hell did you start noticing that?
MIKE: Uh, probably about freshman or sophomore year in high school.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: I dated a girl actually when I was a junior. She was a senior, and she had the attached years, and they were bad attached. I mean, there’s different levels. Like she could barely get an earring in like you were saying cuz of the attachment.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: That, yeah, nah.
KIRK: Doesn’t work for you.
MIKE: That’s not doing it. No, no.
KIRK: Oh man, that’s so funny, Mike. This is a wacky show. I got to tell you.
MIKE: Well is there anything? I just told you about the attached ears. Is there anything on a woman that drives you crazy like that? I mean, is the feet…is there anything that’s a deal breaker for you?
KIRK: The halitosis would be or something like that. But physically, if you just looked at someone, I don’t think there’s anything that would be a deal breaker. But there are some pretty big turn offs. Again, I was in the court room looking at all these people. And there was this woman, and she was probably, I don’t know, like 60, and she was just there and everything. I was watching her fill out this form, and dude, her fingernails were like chewed away all the way up to the quick. Like there was no fingernail left on any finger. And I was thinking, man, she was probably doing that since she was 20. So can you imagine, she was like hot, and she was 20, and she had zero fingernails? Or maybe she had to like glue them on or something with fake ones?
MIKE: Right. Do you notice fingernails and toenails on women?
KIRK: Yeah I do.
MIKE: See, I never noticed them before until I started dating girls that get manicures and pedicures.
KIRK: Oh my God, it’s totally different.
MIKE: That are totally like, “What do you think? Did you notice I did my nails?” And now I make a mental note. I keep a mental note because in recent years, I notice more and more that girls I’m dating point out that, “Oh look, I got a manicure. Oh you didn’t even notice.” And the truth is, no, I never notice.
KIRK: You never noticed?
MIKE: No. I never noticed toenails or fingernails, but now I try to. Yeah, and since we’re on feet, have you ever seen those pinkies that don’t have a toenail?
KIRK: Yeah, that bothers you?
MIKE: Oh. And then the girl uses like a dot of nail polish?
KIRK: Well that’s kind of like, yeah.
MIKE: Oh!
KIRK: That’s awkward, yeah.
MIKE: It’s just like, don’t paint your toenails because you’re just drawing more attention to it.
KIRK: Yeah, just use clear at that point and no one can see anything.
MIKE: Yeah, totally.
KIRK: But, yeah, it wouldn’t turn me off or anything. It would just be like funny, kind of like…
MIKE: Wear your socks to bed honey.
KIRK: I’ll tell you about manicures real quick. And pedicures. And when I’ve been with Pamela, sometimes she’ll come home and she’ll have one, and I totally. It just jumps out at me. And I like it. I’m like, “Wow, that looks really nice.” You know? And same with the fingernails too.
MIKE: That’s good.
KIRK: And you see how clean and everything it looks down there, and it just, I think it does make a difference.
MIKE: Now, before I say goodbye to your wife, does she have any attached earlobes, any moles?
KIRK: She has your kind of earlobes that you like, so we’re good.
MIKE: Oh, thank God.
KIRK: You’re just wacky.
MIKE: Hey listen.
KIRK: A deal breaker? What if she’s like the cutest, smartest, most entertaining girl who was just like a babe?
MIKE: Couldn’t get over it.
KIRK: Ooh.
MIKE: Well, you didn’t invite me here because I have the same opinion as you.
KIRK: That’s true. That’s true. Keeping it interesting.
MIKE: That’s right.
KIRK: Anyway, we got to get out of here again. I want to say thank you so much for coming, everyone, and for listening to us.
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: Sorry if we were a little bit sophomoric and gross today, but you know, we just call it like we see it.
MIKE: It’s not easy going to the court house.
KIRK: Just imagine when you hear the girls like, all the stuff that they’re going to say about us.
MIKE: You know what. If you have any comments, feel free to email them to us.
KIRK: yeah, just check our website for the email. It’s kirk@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com or mike@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. Mike, thanks for coming over.
MIKE: Absolutely. And thank you all for listening, and we’ll talk to you later on.
KIRK: Get the scissors out and cut that mole please.

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Episode 008 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE EIGHT

August 9, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kind of ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, so kind of that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

MIKE: Alright. Hey, welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: Yeah, I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re here with a very special guest today.
MIKE: This is unbelievable. I mean, we’ve only done a couple of these shows and now we’ve got guests coming into the studio. I love this.
KIRK: Well, the truth is, Mike. What happened was, you know, we were getting a lot of emails, and people kind of refuting us and asking us other questions, and we thought “You know what? We might as well bring a chick in here.” So…
MIKE: Cuz our opinions are wrong, I’m guessing.
KIRK: Well, so we’re going to introduce you now to Sloan Taylor, and she’s just a girl living in the world. And we’re lucky to have her, and we’ve never met her before this minute. She just walked in the door. We responded to an email and set the whole thing up and it’s really great. So, welcome, Sloan.
MIKE: Welcome, Sloan.
SLOAN: Thank you. This is my first radio blind chat.
KIRK: Yeah.
SLOAN: I did listen to your shows. It was great. It was fricking hilarious.
KIRK: Why is that? Is it because we’re such idiots?
MIKE: Thank you.
SLOAN: No! It’s just great to hear both opinions from a married guy and a single guy, and I just, I wanted to jump in. I was like talking, responding.
KIRK: Well, look, I was wondering if you have any things that pop into your head that kind of stuck out from our shows you wanted to comment on. Since you couldn’t talk to us and you were screaming at the Internet.
SLOAN: Wow, okay. Well, Mike, you were talking about being a bad kisser.
MIKE: No. I’m not a bad kisser.
SLOAN: I mean, like girls being…Okay, I’m sorry. Let me take that back. Like girls being bad kissers…
MIKE: No, I know, Sloan.
SLOAN: And how that’s such a turn-off and the halitosis and all that stuff.
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: How does a girl tell a guy that it’s just not happening? I mean, a nice way to tell a guy, to say “No, it’s…you’re not hitting it,” if you know what I mean.
KIRK: You mean with the kiss?
SLOAN: You jump in there, yeah, that and just everything.
MIKE: Everything in general, I think. Yeah.
SLOAN: Yeah.
MIKE: Um, that’s a great question actually. I don’t think there’s a real nice way of saying it.
SLOAN: Okay, recently I just had a situation where he was like, well you know, talking about kissing and stuff. And I was like, “I completely understand. People have different rhythms.” And I said, “There’s just certain hot spots you’re not hitting.” And next thing I know, I get this MySpace message saying, “Um, I just can’t see you anymore. There’s no spark. Have a great day.”
MIKE: Oh wow, okay.
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: Ouch, ouch.
SLOAN: I just thought, wow.
KIRK: So wait, how long into this were you exactly?
SLOAN: Two or three months.
KIRK: Two or three months? Wow. That’s a good long time.
MIKE: That’s a good long time to wait to have that conversation too, I think.
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: So was that about not hitting it sexually or not hitting it personality-wise?
SLOAN: That, yeah.
MIKE: Sexually.
KIRK: Sexually?
MIKE: I think all this is sexually, correct?
SLOAN: Yeah, I mean it eventually goes there. But you know, how do you tell, a nice way of going like, “Okay, you know, I like you, but you know, it’s just not happening. Let’s make it better. Let’s work on it.”
KIRK: Yeah. That’s why people date though. I mean, you know, you date to try it out and see if you’re compatible.
SLOAN: Exactly.
MIKE: You know, it sounds like you handled it the right way, like talking to him about it. You’re mature about it.
SLOAN: Thank you.
MIKE: It shouldn’t have been that big of an issue, I think.
KIRK: Yeah. And then breaking up on a MySpace page. Oh man, that’s too much for me.
SLOAN: Yeah. And then what got me was, “Have a great day.” I just thought that was lame.
KIRK: Hmm.
MIKE: Yeah, that was really lame. I agree with you.
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: Well, I had a question for Sloan. I mean, your email was pretty laden with different stuff about guys. I’m wondering, what’s your take on guys? How do you…?
SLOAN: I don’t think they’re necessarily bad. I mean, I was talking to one of my girlfriends before I came on this show. And I said, you know I don’t want to come across as a Miss Ball Buster and that I hate men. And that’s not the case. I love men, and I’ve always found I got along better with men than with girls cuz girls can just be so backstabbing. And guys are just a little more laidback, you know? But that email, like I said, it was funny. I was just in a meeting with some vendors and my coworkers, and there was this other girl, you know, there. And she was dressed in this short mini-dress, very low-cut top. And you know, I was dressed business casual. And anything I had to say was not relevant at all to the vendor because he kept staring at the girl. And even all the guys, everything she had to say was like “Oh ho ho ho, that’s so funny. Ha ha ha.” And so at the end of the meeting, you know, the vendor’s like “Okay, I only have one business card left.” And he looks at her, and he looks at me, and he says, okay, says to her, “You can call me anytime you want to.”
KIRK: Oh man. Wow.
SLOAN: It’s so, you know. And then I said to my boss, I said, “You know. That just really solidified the fact that men have two brains, and they think with their dick sometimes.” And he was just so shocked that I said that. I was like, come on, that’s what happened here guys.
MIKE: Sloan’s a great find, you know. I’m glad you contacted us because all these things you’re saying are, like, these are great things to know and talk about. For the record, Sloan is very attractive.
SLOAN: Thank you.
KIRK: Definitely attractive.
MIKE: Just so you all know that it’s probably, just because she’s in, you know, business attire and someone’s wearing something else. She’s a very attractive woman, so…
SLOAN: Thank you.
KIRK: You know, honestly. I didn’t know if a truck driver was going to show up here.
SLOAN: I know, huh? Well thank you.
KIRK: Yeah, but what is it like working with guys? I’ll tell you what it’s like working with women.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: But first you tell us what it’s like working with guys.
SLOAN: Um, some guys will always try. And I will make it very clear. It’s like, you’ll know if I want to open that door.
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: You know, but I try to be really upfront and say, “I really enjoy your friendship, but I just don’t see it going there.” And especially if the guy has a girlfriend or a wife, that’s such a turn-off when they try to come on to you. It’s like, you know, I try to respect the other woman in your life, and I mean, one time I did tell my friend, I was like, “Can you please tell your girlfriend to please stop dogging me every time we go out because there’s nothing there, okay? She does not need to feel threatened.”
KIRK: Yeah.
SLOAN: You know, so I kind of get that with the girls too.
KIRK: It’s like what we were talking about on the other show. The bachelor parties?
MIKE: Mmhmm.
KIRK: How, you know, these guys are married and they’re going down on some hooker or whatever. That’s just so gross. That’s just awful.
MIKE: Actually, it was just a stripper.
KIRK: Stripper, whatever.
MIKE: But yeah. No, I’m with you.
KIRK: Well if you’re licking her, what is that? That’s not a stripper anymore.
MIKE: That’s a stripper with benefits.
SLOAN: It can be her other job.
KIRK: Yeah, okay.
MIKE: That’s true. She was hired as a stripper.
KIRK: Okay well.
SLOAN: And that’s for the record.
KIRK: I thought stripper was like just looky no touchy. You know, so…MIKE: No, I think if you pay them enough, you can touchy.
KIRK: Okay, well then…
SLOAN: Yeah, there we go.
MIKE: I’ve heard, I don’t know. Seen pictures.
KIRK: The name of the noun changes to hooker, but whatever.
MIKE: Maybe it is. I don’t have enough experience.
KIRK: Here, okay, here’s what I know about working with guys, alright? Like, I’ve had a lot of experiences at work where I’ve had women bosses and men bosses. And the men bosses are like, “Hey, you know that thing you were trying to do, can you get that to me by Wednesday?” And like, ‘Okay sure. That’s kind of a rough deadline, but whatever. I’ll make it happen for you.” And then I’ve had women bosses that are like, “I told you, I need that thing by Wednesday. You know what, just give it to me Tuesday instead because I just can’t wait any longer.” I mean, I’m not exaggerating. Stuff like that happens to me, and I think it’s just because the women of power, I feel like they have something to prove because they don’t have that cultural thing.
SLOAN: Mmhmm. Exactly, exactly.
KIRK: They can’t just say like, “Hey yeah, it didn’t work out.” They have to say, you know, like write seven emails to cover their ass and say, “I didn’t do it. So-and-so sent it and Kirk was supposed to approve it.” It’s like, you don’t need to do that.
SLOAN: Yeah. Exactly.
KIRK: You know?
SLOAN: No, you’re right.
KIRK: You think so?
SLOAN: I do think so.
KIRK: Really.
SLOAN: I mean, even working for women, I’ve found that they, like, they’re a little harder.
KIRK: Oh, so it’s not just me.
SLOAN: No.
MIKE: What are your experiences, Kirk, with women hitting on you in the workplace? And her experiences with men hitting on her?
KIRK: This comes up sometimes even though I’m married and everyone knows it. And I don’t wear a ring just because I hate jewelry, and I told my wife that I would wear a big giant t-shirt that says, like, “I’m so happily married to Pamela” and like, you know, “Hands off.” But she said I didn’t have to wear that t-shirt, but I said I would.
SLOAN: Probably wouldn’t have gone through with it. Well, I’ll never forget, again, where I used to work. You know, I’m just riding out, getting this customer’s information on his check, and he’s like, “Why don’t you call me?” because you have to ask for their phone number and stuff. And I said, “Well, I really have no business to call you.”
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: And of course, being a total guy, he’s like, “Well, how do you got to be so hard like that, girl?” I was like, well…
KIRK: How about a little warm-up first?
SLOAN: I know, I said.
KIRK: You know, a little conversation?
SLOAN: And I said, “I’m not going to lead you on, man.” And I go, “That’s just not me. I’m not going to lead you on.”
KIRK: Jesus.
SLOAN: “I just really had no business to call you. I’m here to pay my rent, like everybody else.”
MIKE: So a lot of guys are aggressive to you in the workplace?
SLOAN: Sometimes I feel like I hate feeling like I’m a piece of meat.
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: Like even like where I used to work, we’d have the ladders climb up and get the gear, and I would hate crawling up that damn ladder because, you know, I mean, hello? And so then I would turn it around and I would start doing that song from Chicago like, “Pop, six, squish, uh-uh.” And then they would like get all embarrassed, and I’m like, “Now you know how it feels.”
KIRK: That’s true.
SLOAN: They would turn around all embarrassed. I’m like, come on guys.
KIRK: Oh my God. What would you say to some guy if he just came up and wanted to give you a compliment? Like, “Oh my God, I love that dress that you’re wearing.”
SLOAN: “Thank you.” I mean, I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable if you said it that way, “Hey that’s a really nice dress.”
KIRK: Yeah.
SLOAN: You know, “thank you.” I remember talking to one of my former bosses, and he put it this way. You know, “Men are visual, and that’s reality. It just takes a while for a guy to get to know your personality and your brain.” And that totally, that made me crack up, and I said thank you. And women are beautiful, and we’re meant to be looked at, in a sense. That’s why we get all made up. But sometimes, it can be a little too much. You know, ask my name first.
KIRK: Well yeah, that’s a little ridiculous.
SLOAN: You know what I mean?
KIRK: Well anyway, we should take a break first. We’ll come back with Sloan Taylor, just a girl.
SLOAN: That’s right. Come on girls, we got to get it together.
KIRK: Yeah. Just understand that, Sloan, we’re not here to gang up on you or anything.
SLOAN: No, not at all.
KIRK: We just want to get the chick point of view, and so we’re really glad you stopped by.
SLOAN: Yeah, definitely. Yeah, great.
KIRK: And so can you stick around after the break?
SLOAN: I sure can.
KIRK: This is awesome. Alright. We’ll be back in just a second.
MIKE: See you soon.

–COMMERCIAL–

Girl: I’m Christina. Three years ago when I was pregnant, I was trying to figure out how I could bring in some money to my soon-to-be-expanding family while staying at home. When my husband and I were cleaning up the guestroom to make the nursery, we came across an old Beta max VCR from the early 80s. My husband goes, “I bet nobody on earth has one of these relics anymore. I bet their home movies are going to rot forever.” “Oh my God, honey, we can transfer all those home movies to DVD for people! It’s a win-win. I get to stay home and nest while the movies transfer!” Bingo, our DVD transfer business was born along with our son Jason. Now they’re both well and thriving. We even expanded our transfer business to include all video formats, in between playing in the mud. Feel free to come by our website: www.betasptodvd.com.

–SEGMENT 2–

KIRK: Hi, Welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
MIKE: What men really say about women.
KIRK: Yeah. I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re with our special guest here who we just met tonight, believe it or not. Instead of doing the “Ask a Guy” segment on the street, we actually brought in a girl.
SLOAN: Off the street.
KIRK: Off the street. It’s the beautiful Sloan Taylor, just a girl living in the world. And we’re really excited you’re here, so thanks for joining us.
SLOAN: Oh, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you. C’est un plaisir. My high school French, I had to throw it out there.
KIRK: That’s good.
MIKE: Kirk loves French.
KIRK: Oui. Je parle le français.
SLOAN: Oh. Oui.
KIRK: Oui oui. So anyway, Mike has a question for you, Sloan.
MIKE: Yeah, Sloan, this is very important.
SLOAN: I’m glad we’re not being videotaped.
KIRK: You see that little corner right over there? Just kidding.
MIKE: This is the question that every guy always wants to know. Does size matter?
SLOAN: You know, a woman has to enjoy herself in a certain way?
MIKE: Sure.
SLOAN: But yeah, it kind of does matter.
KIRK: It does, huh?
MIKE: Have you ever gone, like unzipped a guy’s pants, put your hand down there, and been like “Eech,” mortified that it’s so small?
SLOAN: Um.
MIKE: If this is too personal, just…
SLOAN: No, I’m just trying to remember.
KIRK: I have no problem with this subject
SLOAN: No, well, I mean…
KIRK: Size 13 feet, man.
SLOAN: Alright. Let’s keep our clothes on here.
MIKE: Well, is there any situation where you’ve literally been like, “Holy cow?”
SLOAN: Well, I mean, he even said it. “It’s kind of small, isn’t it?” And I’m like, you know, “It’s okay.” What are you going to do? You gotta make him feel good about it.
KIRK: Wow, I just assume that, you know, just like people’s noses, I mean. They’re different, but they’re not like hugely different. Like you can look at every single person and figure out, “There’s their nose and it’s about that big.” I mean, it’s not like hugely different.
SLOAN: Well, let me turn it around for guys. Does size matter for breasts? I mean, we all live in plastic Southern California. I mean.
MIKE: Yeah, Kirk and I have actually talked about that before on the show.
SLOAN: And I probably missed that one, sorry.
MIKE: But that’s alright, no, no. We do a lot of talking about these kinds of subjects.
SLOAN: Cuz I’ve heard a mouthful is enough sometimes.
MIKE: That is. As I was telling Kirk, I’m an ass guy, not a boob guy.
KIRK: We both are actually.
MIKE: Yeah.
SLOAN: Okay, okay.
MIKE: The size of your ass does matter to me.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: Yeah.
SLOAN: Alright, yeah, that’s fair.
KIRK: But back to size mattering on guys. I think it’s a little more crucial to guys because I think they freak out more. I mean, if you’ve got a small dick, that guy you dated with the small dick.
SLOAN: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: I’m sure you weren’t the first one he was having this conversation with. And that’s gotta be tough.
KIRK: Did the guy have a huge truck? A Porsche?
SLOAN: No.
KIRK: No? Because we call it Small Dick Syndrome when you have like a…
SLOAN: Oh no, yes, yes.
KIRK: You get like some huge monster truck or like this Ferrari or whatever because if you had some guy who was just so Casanova, who’s hot to trot, he could just like woo you, kiss your ear, you know, do all this stuff. You wouldn’t give a rat’s ass.
SLOAN: Yeah.
MIKE: Kiss your ear.
KIRK: I mean, whatever.
MIKE: You know, kiss your ear.
KIRK: Girls, they love it if you kiss the back of their necks or you kiss them on the ears, right?
MIKE: How great is this guy?
KIRK: It’s like a sensitive thing and they love it. They wouldn’t care if your dick was like the size of a toothpick, am I right? If they were just all over you?
MIKE: Listen, if they go down on you like a pro, you don’t care, right?
SLOAN: Exactly, that’s what I saying.
KIRK: They just have to own it. It’s like, “Yeah, that’s one of my tools. It’s small, but, you know, look out baby.” Right?
SLOAN: Yes, exactly.
KIRK: See? If he would have owned it instead of saying.
SLOAN: I mean, I hadn’t known any other before that anyways, so I didn’t have a comparison.
MIKE: Dang, then he probably shouldn’t have said anything.
KIRK: Yeah, he fucked that one up. “This is the size they all are.”
MIKE: Yeah, “I’m huge. You don’t understand. I’m hung like a pinky, and that’s enormous. Believe me.”
SLOAN: My peanut.
KIRK: Okay. What happens when a guy pulls out his dick and you discover that it’s circumcised or not circumcised? It surprises you one way or the other. You probably think it’s circumcised. Let’s say he pulls it out, and it’s not circumcised.
SLOAN: Mmhmm.
MIKE: Or have you ever even seen the difference?
SLOAN: Yes I have.
KIRK: And what do you think about that?
SLOAN: I feel like I’m on the witness stand. “Yes, I have.”
KIRK: If you could see her right now. Mike and I are at the end of this table, and she’s in the middle. And we’re kind of like grilling her, and she has to turn her head left and right all the time to see us.
SLOAN: Right, I feel like I’m at court or something. My deposition.
KIRK: Yeah, sorry.
MIKE: Right. And Kirk and I aren’t wearing pants. In case she hadn’t seen it, she knows what’s going on.
KIRK: Don’t freak her out, man. She’s going to split. We gotta finish this show.
MIKE: Sorry, sorry, you’re right, you’re right.
KIRK: God, put you pants back on. Just kidding
MIKE: We finally got somebody in here, and we’re going to scare her off. So back to Kirk’s question, does it matter?
SLOAN: Um no, it doesn’t.
KIRK: So what’s your take on circumcision? Like when you see a guy like that?
SLOAN: Well I mean, that’s all I’ve really been accustomed to. But when I saw, it is different looking, you know, and it was just…I always felt like I was going to hurt him. It’s just, I don’t know why, I was like, “Am I hurting you?”
KIRK: Interesting. It didn’t like gross you out or anything?
SLOAN: No, I mean, it was different to look at, but it just, you know. And he was very attractive, so it was just like all part of the package.
KIRK: Well most, almost all of Europe, they don’t circumcise there. So like the French, the Swedish, and everybody. They don’t do it, you know? Only in America.
SLOAN: I thought it was just a hygiene thing. I don’t know. I mean, I have no idea.
KIRK: Well Europe manages just fine, you know?
SLOAN: Okay, yeah, that’s true.
MIKE: I had heard it was a hygiene thing also. Years ago, it was believed…
KIRK: That’s bullshit. Millions and millions and millions of people live perfectly normal, healthy lives without ever worrying about it ever. It’s just like you wash your ears, so you wash down there too.
SLOAN: And women also don’t shave their legs and armpits in Europe as well.
KIRK: That’s true. Now what do you think about that?
MIKE: I think Europe’s gross.
KIRK: But they have damn good coffee.
MIKE: Uncircumcised dudes and hairy women?
SLOAN: Uncircumcised heathens.
KIRK: But they’ve got damn good coffee.
MIKE: They’ve got damn good coffee.
SLOAN: Yes they do.
MIKE: I am not into armpit hair or leg hair. Now do you like, Sloan, do you like guys that man-shave and groom up? And does back hair freak you out?
SLOAN: Hair on your ass is kind of a turnoff. Hairy ass.
KIRK: Should they wax it?
SLOAN: I mean, hair everywhere else, that’s fine. Men have hair.
KIRK: So you want them to actually wax it or shave it?
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: Would you ever do that Mike?
MIKE: I’ve got a hair chest. I’m starting to get some sprouters on my back which I get waxed off.
KIRK: Sprouters.
MIKE: Yeah, I am not into that. I don’t mind that I have chest hair and stuff, but when it gets too bushy. You know it’s funny, I noticed this in Chicago.
SLOAN: Yeah.
MIKE: They’ll have neck hair that’s creeping up their esophagus. And I’m just like “Ew.”
KIRK: So what should they do?
MIKE: They should get a hair trim or trim it off.
KIRK: Okay, so trim it, not like remove it.
MIKE: Hold on, I’m trying to see now if Kirk has it so I’m not trying to be offensive. Kirk is just like, “Dude, no.”
SLOAN: Clear.
MIKE: Clear.
KIRK: So they don’t have to remove it. They just have to trim it?
MIKE: It’s just, yeah, just get it trimmed down. There’s an acceptable level. Am I right, Sloan?
KIRK: Sloan agrees.
SLOAN: Yeah, yeah. I mean, it’s kind of sexy, but when there’s just way too much, I just feel like it’s like my, like your grandpa with the gold chain.
MIKE: Here, take a look. How am I doing?
SLOAN: Cool.
MIKE: See, Kirk, can you see that down there?
SLOAN: You’re a little sunburned.
MIKE: I am a little sunburned. I just stopped by the pool today.
SLOAN: Looks like you’ve been sun-kissed.
KIRK: Mike’s showing us his shirt there.
MIKE: My chest hair. Yeah.
KIRK: They can see it, Mike, so we have to tell them.
SLOAN: Okay, well, what about tattoos? What do you guys think about tattoos?
KIRK: Good question. That’s a really good question.
SLOAN: I…
KIRK: I have a friend. Go ahead.
SLOAN: I think they’re really sexy on guys.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: I mean, when you say you like tattoos, are you talking about sleeves or are you talking about just like one on the shoulder or what?
SLOAN: Well, you know, not like all tatted up like it’s your whole suit, but I mean one here and there, I think that’s kind of sexy. I mean, I’ve been noticing tattoos…
KIRK: IS this a bad boy thing or what?
SLOAN: I don’t know. It’s just different.
KIRK: I have a friend, and he has a fetish for chicks in tattoos. It just gets him going like crazy. And when I see that, he’s into heavy duty tats. And when I see that, and I’m going to offend some people here, I see low self esteem, maybe harder life. And to me, it’s not appealing because it reflects all those things.
MIKE: What you just said. My thoughts are…I think I thought that same way too years ago about tattoos, but I think they’re so commonplace now…
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: that it’s almost hard to find…I mean, I don’t have any tattoos. Do you have any tattoos?
SLOAN: No, not yet.
MIKE: But you’re going to get a tattoo?
SLOAN: I was thinking of it, yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, I think. I’d say 7 out of 10 people usually have a tattoo.
KIRK: 7 out of 10 people?
MIKE: In the entertainment industry? I think, I would say, well, I would say at least five out of ten.
KIRK: Yeah, I would say five out of ten.
MIKE: But I do remember when I’ve had uncles and stuff that had tattoos and growing up in the 70s and stuff, I felt the same exact way as you do, Kirk. But, I was with this girl that, it goes along with body piercings. She had her tongue pierced.
SLOAN: See, I couldn’t do that.
MIKE: And she had a bunch of tattoos, and it was pretty hot. And I’ve dated some…
KIRK: The tattoos were hot?
MIKE: Yeah, they were very hot. She had like, you know, the one on her upper back, and she had one on her shoulder I think, and one on her front.
KIRK: So that worked for you?
MIKE: It did. Yeah, it was hot. I mean, I’ve dated a couple girls with tattoos. You see a lot of butterflies out there on the hip.
SLOAN: I was just talking to somebody about that because she loves butterflies. It was like her symbol with her former…you know. Her husband passed away, and that was kind of their thing.
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: But she’s like, “It’s so common!”
MIKE: Yeah, you see a lot of butterflies out there. You see a lot of roses out there.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And you see a lot of Chinese letters for some reason that mean nothing to the person, but they thought it looked cool and all of a sudden it’s like their symbol. But…
SLOAN: It means “hungry.”
MIKE: Right, exactly. It means, “I got a dog.” But, I could take them or leave them, but they’re definitely…
KIRK: You could take them or leave them? It’s not like you definitely learn towards it?
MIKE: No, not at all.
KIRK: Is that right?
MIKE: Yeah. Or body piercings.
KIRK: Body piercings, okay. They freak me out. Like when I walk up to someone and they have a nose jewel, like in the side of their nose, I can’t…or like a big piercing, like a big bull ring in their nose or whatever.
SLOAN: That’s all you can stare at.
KIRK: I can’t see their face anymore.
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: I’m just like, God, how do you sleep with that thing? Doesn’t it pull when you like…? It just kind of like, it’s a distraction to me, you know?
SLOAN: Right.
KIRK: It’s not like I judge them or anything. I just think like, that’s really annoying to look at you. Just like the same way if somebody had a giant band-aid on their face, or if they had a giant, you know, felt pen mark on their face. You would just stare at it because it’s freaking weird. I don’t know. But so where will you get your tattoo?
SLOAN: I was thinking on my upper right shoulder.
KIRK: We’ll tell you if it’s good or not.
MIKE: That’s right.
SLOAN: I already have it picked out, so…
KIRK: What is it?
SLOAN: Well, when growing up, I used to be really into like Greek mythology and all that stuff. And they have different Muses, so mine is sort of like the modern spin of the Muse of Music, Euterpe. And I found this really cute, it’s almost like Japanese anime kind of, cute little girl, and she has like the whole music staff coming out of her hand. So I have an appointment this Saturday.
KIRK: Is that right?
MIKE: Oh wow. So you’re going to pull the trigger.
SLOAN: I do.
KIRK: Oh my God.
SLOAN: I do, cuz you know, it’s time. I just want to do something different.
KIRK: You’re going to shake it up? Is that why? Are you having some kind of funk or something? Why now?
SLOAN: Why now? Because in my 20s, I played it really safe. I was just always, you know, doing what everyone wanted me to do. And now I just feel like it’s just something I wanted to do.
MIKE: Good for you.
SLOAN: And like I said, I’ve seen…I have friends and guys that I dated that had them, and they’re just very hot.
MIKE: Yeah.
SLOAN: So anyway.
KIRK: Do you guys agree that there is a difference between a tattoo or a couple of tattoos or like totally tatted out?
SLOAN: Yeah.
KIRK: Is there a difference?
MIKE: Huge difference.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: But I think, like I’ve worked with some dudes that…some guys that are totally tatted out, I think look cool.
KIRK: Hmm.
MIKE: Women, not as much to me. But dudes, some guys just pull it off.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: They look like they were born to be wearing those kinds of tattoos, that kind of artwork.
KIRK: Yeah, I was at the pool not too long ago, and I see this woman, and she’s swimming laps, and she stops right next to me, and she’s probably, I’m guessing, 65. Totally tatted up, alright? Now her tats were completely saggy and like faded.
SLOAN: I remember when somebody was like, “you’re going to be saggy when you’re old.”
KIRK: It was just. No, but…
MIKE: If it’s on your shoulder, then I think you’re okay.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: But part of me was like, “Oh that’s so revolting,” because they’re all like saggy and gross. But another part of me said, “Wow, that old lady once like had a wild side, and she was cool that one time.” And it was kind of, it kind of made me feel better about her in a way, but it was also really strange to see them so faded. Like blurry, they get really blurry, you know?
MIKE: Did you say, “Hey old lady, you were probably wild and cool at one point”?
KIRK: “What were you like?” Yeah.
MIKE: “What were you like?”
SLOAN: “I’ll buy you a drink and ask you about your tats.”
MIKE: So she had saggy tats, huh?
KIRK: That’s so funny, but yeah. Well, good luck with that. I mean, I’m excited for you.
SLOAN: Yeah, we’ll see how much of a wuss I am. Gotta put up with the pain first.
KIRK: Then you gotta wear a sleeveless top all the time.
SLOAN: No, cuz that would just be for someone to see.
KIRK: Well, isn’t that the point?
SLOAN: Uh, yeah.
KIRK: Or is it like polka dot underwear? You just wear it for yourself?
SLOAN: Well I mean. I just thought it would be very cool.
KIRK: I mean, you have it. Why not show it off?
SLOAN: I know. I mean, on appropriate occasions, yeah.
KIRK: So it’s a real sexual thing for you?
SLOAN: Yeah, I would say so.
KIRK: It’s like a sexual thing. It’s not just like something cool. It’s like sexual.
SLOAN: Well I figure if they’re back there, they might as well have something to look at.
KIRK: Look at you, you team player.
MIKE: This is why I love women.
SLOAN: I mean, you know.
KIRK: She wants to help us out, you know? I like that. I like that attitude. It’s cool.
SLOAN: See, thank you!
MIKE: That’s a great attitude.
SLOAN: See, I’m not a ball buster.
MIKE: That’s right. You are definitely not a ball buster.
KIRK: Who said you were a ball buster?
SLOAN: Oh, sometimes I get called the feminist or whatever, cuz I can. I mean, I can come off uptight or iron maiden, but sometimes I just don’t want to play the games.
MIKE: Right.
SLOAN: So I just shut it down, which may not be such a good thing, but that’s just me.
KIRK: Okay, so I have a stupid question that someone emailed to us, and I wanted to run it by. They said, why do guys make the “Ahem hem hem” sound when they spit? You know that like, they like make that…
MIKE: It’s more of a “Uccchhh.”
KIRK: Yeah, why do guys do that and girls don’t do that? Now, do girls ever do that? Do you know what I’m talking about?
SLOAN: I do know what you’re talking about.
KIRK: You don’t do it.
SLOAN: I don’t think I do.
MIKE: I can’t think of too many girls I know that spit.
KIRK: Honest to God, I don’t think girls do it. I think guys do it because our throats are constructed differently. We have an Adam’s apple, and girls don’t have an Adam’s apple. And I think guys just do it because that’s part of the way their throat works. But I don’t think girls do it, you know. But then again, I was so naïve. I never thought girls farted.
MIKE: Well, that’s cuz they don’t.
SLOAN: No, they don’t.
MIKE: Yeah, just another reason why men and women are different.
SLOAN: That’s right. That’s right.
KIRK: We gotta wrap it up now, Sloan. And you gotta show us your tattoo.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: Email us the picture, and then if you get really…
SLOAN: It’ll probably have to be in phases cuz I don’t think I can do the whole thing all at once.
KIRK: Well, when you get it done, you can email us a picture.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: And if it’s okay, first we’ll talk about it on the air.
SLOAN: Okay.
KIRK: And if it’s okay, we’ll go ahead and post it on our website.
SLOAN: Alright, after I heal.
MIKE: Yes.
KIRK: We’ll show your face too. That way they can see how hot you are. Alright, so anyway. Mike, you good?
MIKE: Yeah, I’m great. I think this was a lot of fun, and yeah, I think we should give Sloan Taylor another thank you.
KIRK: Yeah, let’s give her a round of applause.
SLOAN: Thank you guys. Thank you.
MIKE: Yeah. Just a girl living in the world.
KIRK: Yeah.

–MUSIC –

MIKE: How many guys? I mean, I do this all the time, I sleep with one hand down my pants. I’ll be napping or something.
SLOAN: Yeah, why do you guys do that?
MIKE: You know what? I think I do it just because it’s very comfortable.
SLOAN: Sort of instead of sucking your thumb?
KIRK: Girls don’t just sleep like just kick back and have your hand on there?
SLOAN: No!

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Episode 007 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE SEVEN

July 25, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

KIRK: Hi, welcome to A Fly in the Wall. We’re really glad you guys are here, and it’s fun to see you, Mike. I just love seeing you. Does that sound gay when I…?
MIKE: It sounds so gay.
KIRK: Sorry.
MIKE: But that’s okay because you’re married with a kid or two.
KIRK: Yeah, I get hit on by guys a lot though.
MIKE: Is that true?
KIRK: Yeah, I guess they think I’m friendly or whatever, but I get hit on all the time by guys.
MIKE: When guys hit on you, what do they do?
KIRK: Um, first they start making eyes. And then I just turn the other way or whatever.
MIKE: Wait, what do you mean turn the other way?
KIRK: You know, just like ignore them or blow them off with my eyes, whatever.
MIKE: You blow them off with your eyes?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Nice, I like that. I’m going to use that. I just blew her off with my eyes.
KIRK: Yeah, I think they get the hint pretty quick, but earlier, you know, a long time ago, they wouldn’t get the hint really quick. And now I’m a lot harder. Like, I’m just like, “Don’t mess with me.” And they just go away.
MIKE: Now, have guys ever come up and like touched you or anything?
KIRK: We weren’t going to talk about this just yet, but I’ll tell you this funny story. I was in college, and my roommate was gay. And he always thought that I was gay too. And I said, “I’m not gay. I promise. I’m not gay.”
MIKE: This is what this guy was saying to you, “I promise I’m not gay?”
KIRK: No, I said I’m not gay.
MIKE: Oh, did you guys like…was he out of the closet?
KIRK: Just, you know, you could just tell. He was leaving clues out for me and stuff.
MIKE: Like, a dildo on your bed?
KIRK: No, just stupid stuff. Like did you just see that new Barbara Streisand stage show or whatever? I don’t know. Anyway…
MIKE: Who wants to watch the Wizard of Oz tonight?
KIRK: Yeah, but no, the guy was like the macho. He was like the tough guy, you know. Like, he was strong, and he was kind of like a tough guy.
MIKE: Was he hot?
KIRK: Well, he would be hot if you were into guys. He’d be extremely hot. I think he looked like Matt Damon but with a better face.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: So, um, but really toned and everything, right? Listen to me, I’m remembering all this. Anyway, it was traumatic to me. So we were sitting in my place there, and we were talking about just whatever. Philosophy or who knows what. And sure enough, the sun goes down, right? So now it’s dark in there. And we were just so engaged in the conversation that…
MIKE: I’m sorry. This is a dorm room or what?
KIRK: Well. Actually, I lived in a converted garage.
MIKE: And you guys both lived there?
KIRK: Well, he lived in another part of the house. I lived in the garage.
MIKE: Oh okay. So it was like a studio?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And he’s just hanging out…you guys were just hanging out talking?
KIRK: I think we were drinking a little beer or two. And so then somehow it came up that he wanted to, you know, do something. And I said, “Hey, yo, I’m not gay, man. So, sorry.” So he starts fucking feeling me up, man. Like sliding his hand up. I go, “Dude, I’m not gay, man. I’m telling you. I’m not gay.”
MIKE: Wait a minute, so wait, what? Was he sitting next to you?
KIRK: He was sitting next to me cuz we were just there talking about whatever.
MIKE: And he puts his hand on your thigh?
KIRK: Yeah, and he was a friend of mine, so I didn’t want to offend him or anything. So he puts his hand on my thigh, and so then, just to mess with him. I go, “I’m not gay, man. I’m really not.” And he keeps going. He puts his hand like in my crotch. His hand in my crotch. And I was like as small and limp as you could ever be. It was kind of like this huge insult to the guy. I’m like, “Dude, can’t you see? Nothing’s happening, okay? So there you go.” And he went away with his tale between his legs so fast.
MIKE: So to speak.
KIRK: It was like, I mean, you know what? I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality. I can handle it. And he was, he felt like a fool, like the biggest fool. You know, that was pretty damn presumptuous, because I said, “No, I’m not freaking gay, alright?”
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And I’m the farthest thing from gay. Anyone that knows me that’s dated me will attest to that.
MIKE: Right, right. I definitely know you’re not gay.
KIRK: I’m so far from gay, it’s not even funny.
MIKE: That’s pretty gay though, that he had his hand on your cock.
KIRK: And that I let him do it? You think?
MIKE: Yeah, I think that’s gay.
KIRK: You do?
MIKE: I do. I do think that’s gay.
KIRK: You think I’m gay for doing it?
MIKE: I don’t think you’re gay. I’m surprised that you let him do that.
KIRK: Really? I was just so…I didn’t know how else to like prove it to him. So at that point, I was just…
MIKE: Here’s how I’d prove it to him. “Dude, what the fuck are you doing? Get your fucking hand off of me.”
KIRK: But at that point, like, I really wanted to kind of like burn him, you know? So I just checked out. It was like…
MIKE: So you burned him by not being hard?:
KIRK: Yeah. Pretend like you just, pretend like you’re just at the doctor’s office or whatever, you know what I mean? I was just like, okay, whatever. It’s just a physical body part, who cares? And it made a really big impact on him. Or a little impact. What’s the difference between that and like when people play in the locker room and they hit each others’ asses in football and all that? What the hell? It’s just a body part, and you’re just screwing around.
MIKE: First of all, I don’t know any guys that are running around in the locker room smacking each others’ asses, but I do know that they do it out on the football field.
KIRK: Right, okay.
MIKE: And to me, I see where you’re going with this. But I guess knowing that a gay guy is putting his hand on your thigh and working his way up to your cock, and you’re not doing anything.
KIRK: Well no, I’m saying, I’m going “Dude, I’m not gay. You should just stop this right now.” And he’s like, “No, no, you really want it.” Cuz he was just so convinced. He lived there. He had been my roommate in this house for a long time, like over a year. And he just kept thinking I was gay, building. So this was like the climactic moment so to speak.
MIKE: Anticlimactic moment.
KIRK: And right after that, he moved out. Like right after that, within about a month, he moved out of there.
MIKE: Cuz of that?
KIRK: I think he was really ashamed. I mean, I think he was really ashamed, and he wasn’t fully out of the closet. And maybe he felt like I would tell the other people in the house. There were like four other guys that were living in the house.
MIKE: Wow.
KIRK: Yeah. But trust me, that was the gayest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I mean.
MIKE: That’s pretty gay.
KIRK: But that’s the pinnacle.
MIKE: Right, right, right.
KIRK: I’ve never done anything worse than that.
MIKE: Right. No, I mean, that’s a hell of a story.
KIRK: Oh you’re not going to be coming over here anymore.
MIKE: No, I wish somebody else…I wish there was a woman in here with us.
KIRK: It’s a good thing the lights are on, man.
MIKE: Yeah, thank God.
KIRK: Should we go get Pamela?
MIKE: No, no, here. Why don’t you just put your hand on my lap?
KIRK: You know what? We better just take a break. Let’s take a break, and we’ll be back.
MIKE: Can we get back to talking about women. God, I miss talking about women.
KIRK: Anyway, we’ll take a break. We’ll be right back.

–COMMERCIAL—
Woman: Hi, I’m Cathy Malkasian, I’m the author of Percy Gloom, which is a graphic novel. And a graphic novel is by definition, I think, a comic that’s over a hundred pages. It’s really a neat medium. The great part about doing comics is that when words fail you, you got pictures, and vice versa. They really complement each other. It’s very free. It’s been really surprising. Pretty good feedback overall. Most of it has been from really respectable sources. This is going to sound really, really presumptuous but I got so disgusted with world affairs. Because, you know, what’s going on in the world right now is so ridiculous. People are just wiggin’ out. So I had to sort of make a satire of human folly, and humor is definitely subjective. But let’s just say, it’s an adult book, but if you left it on the coffee table and your 4-year-old picked it up, there isn’t anything in there that you’d have to, you know, worry about. My website is www.percygloom.com.
–INTERLUDE–

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.
Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.
Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.
Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.
Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.
Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.
Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.
Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.
Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.
Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.
Guy #11: Somebody funny.
Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

–SEGMENT 2-

MIKE: Welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: Here we are, we’re going to talk about women this time. Sorry about that. Mike still has the heebie-jeebies.
MIKE: I don’t. I just…I don’t at all. I think that, I think we should just talk about women. Speaking about women, you forwarded me an email from a female blogger that’s very exciting. We’re starting to get blogs, we’re getting emails.
KIRK: Yeah, well I got to give a shout out here to Chantel Williams. She’s a really huge, popular female blogger, and she put us on her blog roll. So that was super nice.
MIKE: Really great.
KIRK: So thank you. She had a lot of nice things to say about her show, which is great. She’s in Portland, Oregon. So in fact, she had a couple questions in her email too, so I thought this could be the Chantel Show, I guess you could say.
MIKE: Look at that, you blog about us and suddenly get your own episode all about you. Course it’s tied into a gay segment but…
KIRK: Yeah, no, but she had some really great questions, and I thought we could maybe answer them here and see what we think.
MIKE: Yeah, let’s do it.
KIRK: And by the way, Chantel, if you want to read her blog. It’s pretty interesting. She’s blogging at www.lifeandtimesofchantel.com. And you have to do the www or it doesn’t work. But we’ll put the link on our website.
MIKE: Yeah, let’s put the link on our website. And also, Kirk, I was going to ask you. How do you spell Chantel?
KIRK: It’s C-H-A-N-T-E-L, Chantel. And I’ll tell you something. If you read her blog, dude, it is like so honest. It’s basically like a diary. How could they be so honest and put all that stuff about themselves out there? And I got to hand it to her, man, that’s really good. Like my wife always says, if the writer or the entertainer isn’t willing to take the trip, then why should the audience, you know? That’s why her blog is so compelling because it’s just really rich with personal stuff.
MIKE: I’m going to check it out, I can’t wait.
KIRK: Yeah, check it out. Hey, you guys should date! That’s what I’m talking about. You should go out with her.
MIKE: She’s in Portland, Oregon.
KIRK: Oh okay, well try it long distance. See how it works.
MIKE: We’ll see how it goes. We’ll see how it goes. Chantel, here’s Mike giving you a shout-out.
KIRK: Alright, here we go with some of the questions from Chantel. She says, “What makes you say no to a woman or not call back?”
MIKE: I think it depends on what stage you’re at. I mean, if I go out and I just meet somebody, say, in a bar or, cuz that’s where I meet a lot of woman. What would make me tear up their number is if I got the number early on in the evening which I sometimes do. I know a lot of people wait ‘til the end of the night and go, “Hey, you know what? Why don’t I get your number and we’ll hang out?” If I get it early on, and suddenly they turn out to be a bitch before I’m done talking to them.
KIRK: What’s the thing that makes them the bitch though?
MIKE: From a conversation standpoint, if they talk too much about themselves. I mean, if they’re way into themselves and can’t stop talking about it, that’s one thing. If they constantly cut you off when you’re trying to get in a word, that’s another thing.
KIRK: Yeah, I mean, it should be a conversation, not a monologue. It should just be like, share and…
MIKE: Right, right. Right, right, right, right.
KIRK: And it should be interesting, you know?
MIKE: Right, right, right, right. Right, that’s how it should be. Right, yeah.
KIRK: Dude, you’re scaring me.
MIKE: No, but that’s what I’m saying. Kirk, I’m trying to give the audience an example.
KIRK: Right, right, right. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to date you either.
MIKE: You see, you know what I’m saying though? It’s just, you’re sitting there talking about something and they’re going “Right, right.”
KIRK: They finish your sentence.
MIKE: “Oh yeah, mhm.” You know, it’s one of those. And you know, sometimes you’re just bored. I mean, you can go out with somebody, and if you feel like you’re sitting there having to pull conversation out of them, you know.
KIRK: It just has to be compatible. It has to be easy and a fit, don’t you think?
MIKE: Absolutely.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I mean, I’ve been out with girls, you know. And I’m not, you know and this is just one guy’s opinion, but I’ve been out with girls that have been hot, like real hot, not that it matters but it absolutely does. And they are just boring as shit, and I got to pull the conversation, and I’m sitting there looking at them struggling between “I’m physically attracted to them” and “Holy shit, they suck to talk to.”
KIRK: Right. It just has to be easy. It has to be a fit. And you know you’re not a fit with everybody. It’s just not…
MIKE: No, but it’s fun trying on different shoes.
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: Alright Kirk. Let me go ahead and read one of these out to you.
KIRK: Okay.
MIKE: From Chantel. Describe a time that you feel like you were a jerk, and what was your reasoning behind it?
KIRK: Okay. Do you want to go first?
MIKE: Cuz you can’t think of one?
KIRK: No, I can, believe me. I’ve definitely…
MIKE: No, why don’t you…I feel like I’ve talked too much tonight.
KIRK: Alright, alright. Well I got to tell you that I did a threesome once. And it was with my buddy. And it was in college days, you know.
MIKE: The gay guy?
KIRK: No, not the gay guy. Totally different house. No, but what happened was, this girl would come over, and she was the neediest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. Like even to this day, she was the neediest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. She would come over. My friend was like this kind of, he saw her as needy, and he’s like “I’m going to exploit this.” She would come over at like 8 in the morning, and he’d go, “Hey, can you wash those dishes for us?” And she’d be like, “Okay.” And she would run in there and start washing the dishes from like these college pigs, man. And he would just say all this stuff to her. And I was kind of getting into the act too. You know, it was me and my buddy, and I would say ‘Hey, do you think you could do our laundry?” What a jerk. I’d be…I swear to God. I don’t know why she was so needy. It was just weird. She was a cute girl, kind of big-boned but kind of cute, you know? Blonde girl. So sure enough, the next thing is of course, you know, “Hey, you know, you wanna do us both? You wanna do us both?” I mean, that’s the next thing, right?
MIKE: Yeah, imagine the progression of doing dishes and laundry.
KIRK: Yeah. But this was like over the course of maybe six weeks, you know? It just got more and more. We were kind of like pushing it. We were honestly pushing it. How much she would take, and she was like, “Sure, I’ll do you guys.” And so next thing you know, you know, my buddy, he was screwing her, and I was doing the oral part with her. And geez man, she was just into it, and everything was great. And after we’re done, my buddy’s like, “Alright, that’s cool. Now, head out.”
MIKE: Ugh.
KIRK: It was awful. I got some really bad karma from it, you know? It was bad karma.
MIKE: Was that the only time you guys double-teamed her?
KIRK: That was the only time, yeah.
MIKE: Did she keep coming around after that?
KIRK: She did, you know. She came around, and she just took it until finally my friend, cuz he just wasn’t into her. She was kind of boring and kind of needy, and he I guess told her not to come around anymore even though it would mean he wouldn’t get his dishes done. You know? He just said, “That’s enough.” And so, honest to God, about three weeks later after he stopped seeing her, she married some sailor and like hooked up and started having kids, like immediately. Yeah it was, I’d never seen anybody so needy. But even though she was so needy and everything and nothing really bad happened, it just felt really, really disgusting to do that to her, someone, you know.
MIKE: I bet that sailor that she hooked up with is one of those guys that’s out at bachelor parties in one of the bars hooking up.
KIRK: Probably. Yeah, she was just so needy, and we were so awful to exploit that. And it was kind of like mob mentality, you know what I mean? Like, hey, well, it’s funny because everyone’s doing it. Even though like someone’s getting hurt. It was just disgusting you know.
MIKE: Was she getting hurt though?
KIRK: Well, she wasn’t.
MIKE: It seems like she was kind of into it.
KIRK: Yeah, I mean, she was a participant, you know?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: So it was just bad. Bad karma. And I paid for that karma a lot. I’m just coming out from under that one. So, please forgive me, girl. I forgot your name. God, I wish I could remember her name. Anyway, that was my…that was the time I was really a jerk. What about you, Mike?
MIKE: I’m trying to think of times when I wasn’t a jerk. Um, well going onto your two-on-one story. I actually have a double team story myself with a big-boned girl from the Midwest that was blond-haired with a buddy of mine named Two-On-One Chuck. And it’s funny that you brought that up because it was the girl that he was dating, and well, him and her wanted to have a threesome. And him and I were buddies. And same situation. He was screwing her, and she was blowing me. And I kind of just stopped midway cuz I felt like such an asshole.
KIRK: Really, you actually stopped?
MIKE: I actually stopped.
KIRK: Right in the middle. Wow.
MIKE: You want to know what’s so funny is, it’s one of those things I think that sound kind of cool to me. Chuck was a real good…Two-On-One Chuck was a good-looking dude.
KIRK: Two-On-One Chuck.
MIKE: That’s what his name became. Real charismatic. Fun guy. And so, next thing you know, clothes are off. We’re all going at it. And I have one of those just moments where I feel like just a douchebag.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah, it was just kind of… I got wrapped up in the moment of it. And then like, I look over, and there’s Chuck at the other end just banging her, and he’s got no shirt on. And I’m like, “What the fuck am I doing here?”
KIRK: Yeah, I know. It’s weird when you see your buddy doing that? Isn’t that like the weirdest fucking visual?
MIKE: It was horrible.
KIRK: It’s like the weirdest visual. My buddy, when were doing that, my buddy was like doing all these weird gestures, making fun of the girl and stuff.
MIKE: Aw shit. You know what? So was he. He was making, you know what, he was making faces and smirking and shit.
KIRK: Oh man. We’re going to burn in hell.
MIKE: We are. And I was too drunk to like ride my bike home, so I walked in the other room, and all I remember was. Aladdin…was that the movies that was out in the early 90s?
KIRK: I don’t know. Maybe.
MIKE: One of these Disney movies was on, and I’m just sitting there staring at it cuz I’m like too freaked out about what I had done and I’m drunk. And to this day, I can’t watch that flick.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But I was just like, “Ecchh.”
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: It was horrible. Two-On-One Chuck and me.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: I went to his wedding though. He’s a good guy.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: To a different girl.
KIRK: People go through their periods, man. And guys together, they get that sort of mob mentality. It’s kind of yucky.
MIKE: Totally.
KIRK: What else we got from Chantel?
MIKE: Let’s see what else is on there. It’s funny how you and I both did a big-boned woman on a double team.
KIRK: That is funny. Oh my God.
MIKE: See, we got more in common than you think, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, so here’s the other Chantel question. Here it says, “So what is it about guys who date women who are hot, fun, and outgoing, and then break up with them and settle with a Plain Jane who’s dull?” What’s up with that, Mike?
MIKE: I don’t know what’s up with that because…
KIRK: Well before, I mean in episode 1, you were talking about how people give up, and they cut their hair and turn into the soccer mom. I mean, that might be what it is. Maybe the girl still is hot, and she just changed.
MIKE: I don’t know. That’s not kind of what I’m getting from that question. It sounds like…
KIRK: I think guys are just visual. When you’re single for a long time, and you just start dating someone, you’re still like visual and physical and everything. And I think that you’re not really into that emotional connection, you’re just so anxious to like finally be with someone physically. And I think that’s why they want to be with a hot girl. And I think, really, what they really want, once that settles down is, they want a girl who’s everything. They want a girl who’s sweet and fun. Just like the intro to the show, you know? I think guys want to have a girl who’s everything. They want to have someone who’s funny, who’s sweet, who’s sexy. The reason why they end up with a Plain Jane is because they have something in common and it’s easy to talk to them. Like what you said earlier, when does a date end? It’s because you don’t find them easy to talk to. And maybe people just gravitate towards the kind that they can talk to, regardless of how physically attractive they are.
MIKE: That I would actually agree with. And I think now that I’m thinking about it, I do know somebody who could be dating hotter women, and I don’t think it’s settling so much that the person he’s dating kind of worships him. That’s kind of the vibe I’ve gotten, and he likes that quality of being…his personal value kind of going up in his mind.
KIRK: Well I just had a dinner with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in a really long time. And he’s recently remarried, meaning in the last couple of years. And you would think that his wife is like a Plain Jane. I wouldn’t necessarily call her hot, right? So, we go out to dinner with them. And the first thing that happens is they start talking about all this sexual stuff about how they’re so into each other, and they do all this nasty stuff in the bedroom. And me and Pamela, we’re just like “Oh, that’s hot.” And you can tell she’s not just Plain Jane. I mean, she just does that for her job or her outside façade, but like I’m telling you, these people.
MIKE: Did it turn you on?
KIRK: It was kind of hot. Yeah.
MIKE: Of course it did.
KIRK: No, I like sex talk.
MIKE: Yeah, so do I.
KIRK: And speaking of that, that’s another question. Chantel wrote this, but we also had it from another email person too.
MIKE: I love how these emails are coming in.
KIRK: I know, it feels good.
MIKE: Keep ‘em coming, please.
KIRK: So Chantel says, “Is it bad if we don’t like to talk dirty? If it is, how dirty do we need to get? Some women just can’t talk dirty.” What do you think about that whole dirty thing?
MIKE: Personally, I can take it or leave it. It depends on the person, it depends on the mood.
KIRK: Well, let’s break this down one at a time. So is it bad if they don’t like to talk dirty?
MIKE: No, I do not think it’s bad if they don’t like to talk dirty.
KIRK: I don’t either. I think, as long as it’s natural. Like, I mean, for both parties. I think it has to be really natural. If it’s not, if it doesn’t come out naturally, like if that’s something that you don’t normally do, then I don’t think it would be a turn on.
MIKE: Absolutely.
KIRK: And then she says, “How dirty do we need to get? Some women just can’t talk dirty.” Well, my feeling on that is, you know, if it’s not in your character, it’s not in your character. But I think it can come up in the situation, and my problem with talking dirty is, it always leads me to wanting to spank them.
MIKE: So don’t force it, Chantel, bad little girl, you. Alright, Kirk, so I’m sitting here looking at something else that Chantel wrote here. That’s great. “My hair is so long and so curly, but I can’t cut it because I’d look stupid. I used to straighten it, but it’s so much work. However, I’ve gotten better dates from better men when my hair was straight. Does curly hair turn men off or am I doomed to attract hair band wannabes who still drive Camaros when their licenses aren’t suspended and worship Ted Nugent?” Chantel, where…?
KIRK: You can tell she’s a blogger, man.
MIKE: She’s a blogger. Where are you living, in the land of Bon Jovi? I love this.
KIRK: She’s a woman of words.
MIKE: Doesn’t matter to me one bit. I don’t think it matters to most guys, do you?
KIRK: I don’t either. I will say, I think that if you have, if a girl has straight hair, I think that she’s perceived as more intelligent.
MIKE: Really?
KIRK: Yeah, like. She’s more business-like I guess you could say if you had straight hair.
MIKE: You know what, I actually kind of agree with you, cuz you know what’s going through my mind right now?
KIRK: What?
MIKE: The little time that I’ve spent in Washington DC? When you run around at happy hour, and all these people come running out of Congress, and all of these aides come running out and hit the bar scene, and they all got this straight hair and bobs, and there’s not…I don’t remember seeing any curly hair in there.
KIRK: Well.
MIKE: It’s a more conservative look.
KIRK: Yeah, but I think guys don’t care if the hair’s curly or straight in general. I mean, there’s so many girls that look so great with curly hair.
MIKE: Absolutely.
KIRK: There’s so many girls that look so great with straight hair.
MIKE: I’ll tell you what. Jenny has naturally curly hair, and she always straightens it. But when she gets out of the shower or when she comes swimming, it’s amazing to me how curly it is. And it actually looks great, and she does it curly sometimes, and I dig it.
KIRK: Yeah. And you like it either way or you like it…?
MIKE: I like it either way.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And you know what, I’m kind of surprised by that because I actually thought I would like straighter hair more, but I like it either way.
KIRK: Like how does she straighten it? Does she use a blow-dryer and comb it?
MIKE: Kirk, I don’t watch that.
KIRK: I mean, how do you physically straighten hair?
MIKE: I have no idea.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: I don’t ask.
KIRK: Does she just go away and comes out and it’s all straight?
MIKE: Yeah, about 45 minutes later, it’s straight.
KIRK: I think she has to like blow dry it or something.
MIKE: I’m sure she’s got like a, yeah, a blow dryer and a flat iron maybe.
KIRK: We’re such guys. Sorry, but we can’t figure it out.
MIKE: Maybe she irons her head. I don’t know.
KIRK: So is she self-conscious about the curly hair? Is that why she straightens it?
MIKE: No. She just likes the look of it. She prefers it straight to curly, but there’s times where she, you know, goes curly when she’s in the mood.
KIRK: Well, I’ll tell you this. When I looked at Chantel’s blog there, and she has two pictures of herself. She has her kids too and all that. She has one picture with her with curly hair and one picture with her with straight hair.
MIKE: Interesting.
KIRK: Yeah, and I will honestly tell you that the straight hair picture is more appealing. Now that’s…I don’t know if it’s always going to be on the blog when this Podcast is running, but as of right now, it’s on there. And the straight hair one, I just think she looks sweeter.
MIKE: Interesting.
KIRK: I don’t know if it’s the pose or the actual hair.
MIKE: Yeah, no, I’ll check it out.
KIRK: So, Mike, here’s another question from Chantel. “How do you really feel about women with kids?”
MIKE: In terms of dating them or talking to them.
KIRK: Yeah, you go to a bar, you see a girl, and things are going great, and then she says, “I got to get back and get rid of the babysitter.”
MIKE: If I really liked her, I’d go out with her.
KIRK: You would?
MIKE: Yeah, yeah.
KIRK: Well how long would you go out with her?
MIKE: I don’t know. As long as I liked her.
KIRK: Well, I mean, would you date a girl and keep dating her? Like a year? Well you don’t really date a girl a year.
MIKE: No, I really…it’s been a while since I have dated somebody for a year.
KIRK: Right?
MIKE: You know, I’d keep it going as long as it’s going.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, well I would say, an issue of meeting somebody. If it’s going to work, it’s going to work.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: As far as a single guy meeting a woman with a kid, you know, the kid comes first before your dating situation.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: Which I completely understand.
KIRK: Totally.
MIKE: But you know, every situation is different, so if, you know, if you’re splitting half the time with the other parent and, you know, your free nights are going out on dates with me, then, you know, that’s cool.
KIRK: Yeah, okay. Good, that’s an awesome question.
MIKE: Chantel, those were great, great questions.
KIRK: That was fun.
MIKE: Absolutely. That was a lot of, this was the Chantel Show tonight.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: It was a lot of fun.
KIRK: Yo, well, we got to wrap it up. Thank you so much for coming everyone. Listening to us.
MIKE: Absolutely, thank you again.
KIRK: By the way, if you want to help us get out there so we can keep doing this, just, if you can put us in your blogs like Chantel did, that would be great. That would be so great, and we’ll try to keep the show going for as long as we can.
MIKE: Yeah, and you know what? If you could also just go on iTunes and tell all your friends to subscribe to our Podcast, that would help us greatly too.
KIRK: Yeah, and thanks for coming, Mike. I’ll see you next time.
MIKE: Sounds great, Kirk. Take care, bud.
KIRK: Yeah, thanks everyone. Bye-bye.
MIKE: Bye.
KIRK: Thanks, Kelly. Kelly’s still typing.
MIKE: (laughs)
KIRK: Poor Kelly. 

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Episode 006 – Transcript

Episode 006 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!
This episode was mixed by Greg from Lucid Drive Studios.
Technical services provided by www.betasptodvd.com

EPISODE SIX

July 15, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW–

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–SEGMENT 1–

MIKE: Hi, welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And it’s what men really say about women.
MIKE: Yes it is. And we’re going to talk about them tonight.
KIRK: And you know, in case you’re wondering, it’s a really, really long URL. There’s been some confusion. The show is called “A Fly in the Wall,” and the subtitle is “What Men Really Say About Women.” But it’s just for the search engines. We had to, you know, use that because “A Fly in the Wall” was already taken. And also, hey, you guys might not know this, but me and Mike don’t see each other during the week. In fact, I haven’t seen him all week. And plus, he had a week off, so that’s two weeks.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And we’re sorry for the delay in getting back here. I know it’s been a long, long time. But when he walks in the door right now, that’s the first time I’ve seen him since you’ve heard him.
MIKE: Right, and it’s really good to see you, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, thanks, Mike. You look great. Mike’s over here in shorts, and he’s got the some kind of puka shell…no.
MIKE: It is actually puka shells.
KIRK: He’s looking real Californian over here.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. And Kirk’s looking pretty Californian too. He’s got some Levis on, some shoes, and a button down shirt with some sort of leafy pattern.
KIRK: Yeah, it’s not a Hawaiian shirt. It’s like a Thai shirt.
MIKE: But you’re looking good. It’s been a couple weeks.
KIRK: Thanks a lot, Mike. Don’t get too close to me.
MIKE: Yeah, I’ll stay over here.
KIRK: Oh God, what’s going on? You just got back from Chicago. When we talked last time, you were leaving to Chicago.
MIKE: That’s right.
KIRK: So what was up?
MIKE: I brought Jenny to Chicago and…
KIRK: What was your intention to bring her there? Like why did you want to do it?
MIKE: Well, you know what, we’d been hanging out for a couple months now, and she went to college there at Northwestern University, and she hadn’t been back there in a long time.
KIRK: So was it more or less like a big date to go there or was it more like you wanted to go there to introduce her to people that you care about?
MIKE: You know, I’m pretty laidback about stuff like that. I’ve brought other girls home to Chicago. In fact, I’ve brought two other girls back. And in both instances, they thought it was a bigger deal than I thought it was. Actually, I brought three girls back. And now four with Jenny. But I always try and keep it casual because my family’s so casual.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: And I also don’t want them thinking that hey, just because we’re making a trip 2000 miles away, you’re going to be seeing any kind of ring anytime soon. Cuz that is not the case.
KIRK: Right, I mean you just started dating this girl.
MIKE: Right, but right. Well, yeah, I’ve brought other girls that I’ve dated a few months back also because it’s a fun city, and I’ve got a fun family and friends.
KIRK: Well also, it’s your turf. It’s like, you know the drill there. You know all the cool places, right? So it’s kind of, you can show off a little.
MIKE: Right, exactly. But in a lot of cases, though, women get the wrong idea, or I shouldn’t say women get the wrong idea, but a lot of women get the idea that “Oh if you’re going to meet the family, it’s this huge ordeal and family and friends, and it’s like the beginning of the end of your bachelorhood.” And that’s completely not the case with me.
KIRK: So you just go there to have fun with them, show them around.
MIKE: Exactly. And I actually stress three out of the four that I remember, because the first one that I went there with was about five years ago. And she definitely, her and her friends definitely thought that she was on the fast track to getting married.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: And you didn’t know that?
MIKE: No, I was totally…
KIRK: Someone should clue you in.
MIKE: I know, I was clued in after.
KIRK: You’re getting married.
MIKE: Her friends started going “Whoa!” You know that bullshit that’s like, “Whoa, so you’re bringing Lisa back to meet the family.” And I was like “No, it’s no biggie.” “Yeah, sure it’s not, Mike.” And you know what, I was like “No, it’s not a big deal.” But for her and her friends, it was.
KIRK: Wow, they read between the lines.
MIKE: Yeah, but, between the lines is “No, I’m not getting married.” But, as we can see, she was the first of four to come back. But after her, I told the other ones right up front, like “Listen, I know how some people think that meeting the family and meeting the friends is a huge, huge deal. It’s not to me, so I don’t want it to be like misconstrued as ‘Hey this is like this huge thing.’ Because it’s really not.”
KIRK: And you’re there a week. It seems like at some point you would start to get on each other’s nerves, cuz you only have like the one space. Is that a fair assessment?
MIKE: Well, Kirk, you know how it is. The first couple months of dating, you’re kind of in this phase where life is great and even if you are on my nerves, we’ll never know.
KIRK: Yeah, because it’s so hot and exciting.
MIKE: Right, so truth is. We’re still hanging out, and things are going well.
KIRK: Great, wow, so you made it back okay in one piece.
MIKE: Made it back, yeah, alright and in one piece.
KIRK: Nice.
MIKE: And it was a great time.
KIRK: Wow, good for you.
MIKE: Yeah, so I’m probably bringing it to the next level. I’m glad I introduced her to my parents. Now I can marry her.
KIRK: Riiight.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Actually, Mike, that brings up a point that I wanted to ask you about before. I forget if we were talking on mic or it was another show or something, but you said that the older you get, the more you don’t like hanging out with someone all the time. I mean, you said that, you know, you like hanging out by yourself.
MIKE: Yeah, the more time you have to yourself, it’s kind of nice.
KIRK: Yeah, I mean I think it’s about the compatibility. Cuz you know what’s weird about me and Pamela is that when we’re apart, like let’s say we’re apart for two or three days. Someone has a gig somewhere, or they go to, you know, some relative’s house or whatever. After a couple days, we just start missing each other so much, and it’s like those old couples. We’re not old, but it’s like those old couples that, they wear the same little tennis outfits or whatever. You know, they dress the same and look the same, we’re kind of like that in a way. We’re just jonesing for each other after a couple days.
MIKE: Right, right.
KIRK: Cuz that’s like our whole dynamic, you know? We’re really best friends. And we love to be with each other.
MIKE: I think that’s a good point. I mean, I’ve lived with somebody, and I do remember having that kind of, I do remember having those feelings. I think it’s also like, I could be wrong, but it’s like when you have a kid. Like I don’t know what it’s like to have a kid. People that have kids are just like, “Oh my God, this is amazing, it changed my life. I can’t imagine it without it.” And I kind of can’t imagine one in my life.
KIRK: Yeah, do you ever see yourself, I mean, do you have that longing, like, “Hey, you know, when I’m a certain age, I want to settle down” or no?
MIKE: No, I don’t think I look at it like that. I think what’s been happening to me in the last couple of years is that I feel like I’ve been slowing down a little bit in wanting to date as much. I was out a couple weeks ago on a guy’s night out, and I’m not one of those dudes that has to go, “Oh, do I still have it?” And I definitely know those guys. There’s guys I know that have been married for a couple years, and they’re very bored. And they don’t get out that often, and when they’re out, they try to go hog wild. And it’s usually more embarrassing to watch than it is anything else. But this girl actually runs a segway shop. You know those?
KIRK: Oh yeah, those scooter things?
MIKE: Those little two-wheel scooter things. So, I’m hanging out at this bar with these guys, and she comes up to me and starts talking to me. And my buddies know Jenny, you know, and they know that I’m into it. But they also know that I can be a little flirty, and so the segway chick starts talking to me about the segway and da da da da da.
KIRK: She’s trying to sell you on the freaking segway?
MIKE: No, no, no. This is amongst other things she’s talking about. And she’s like “Why don’t we go for a ride?” And I’m, “You know.”
KIRK: Both of you on one segway?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: They can’t even hold two people, can they?
MIKE: To people who don’t know what a segway is, it’s like a…what would it be Kirk?
KIRK: Well it’s like a two-wheel upright. You’ve probably seen it. It used to be called the It Machine. They had it on the ABC News and all that. It’s a two-wheeled upright thing. We’re put a picture of it on our website, okay?
MIKE: Perfect. Nice. And put a picture of a hot chick and me on it. And Kirk will attest to this, I’m very clumsy when it’s not organized sports, so I’ve tried waterskiing in the past with Kirk, and I had a lot of trouble. But so I figured I’m probably going to break this segway.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And she’s like “No, no, no, I’m not gonna let you ride it alone.” And I’m like “Okay.” So she’s like, you know, “Hop on the back. We’ll cruise around first.” And this is down by the Santa Monica Pier. So this girl had a…she was a little healthier, but she had a huge rack. So I’m wrapping my arms around her waist, right on her tits, just like holding on for dear life. Because I’m a pretty big guy, and she was probably about 5’7, 5’8. So she’s tooling around on this thing. Now this thing moves to your every motion, so it’s like being on a motorcycle only more sensitive. So again, me being clumsy. She’s yelling at me to stand in one position.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE:
So it’s all clumsy, and like you know she…
KIRK: Does the thing drive? I mean, can you drive?
MIKE: Have you not been on one?
KIRK: Not with two people. I mean, I’ve never actually been on one. But I’ve seen them. I can’t imagine.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. It drives with two people, but you know, she’s running it, and it runs on your body control. So like, you know, you lean forward and back. Right exactly. So she keeps leaning back, and I’m like dry humping her. And then she leans forward, and my hands fly up and grab her tits and stuff. And she’s making little comments along the way, clearly not bothering her.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: And I’m just holding on so I don’t die. And then we switched, and I’m running it, and she’s like running her hands all over me.
KIRK: Are you serious? Was she drunk?
MIKE: She was a little buzzed. Definitely. Definitely.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Two buzzed adults on a segway.
KIRK: Was she dressed hot?
MIKE: No, you know what, it’s a little beach bar.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: So, and they have the segway shop right there.
KIRK: Oh funny.
MIKE: So she came down from there, you know, it was cute. You know, tank top and shorts.
KIRK: Yeah, that’s so funny.
MIKE: It was funny, so.
KIRK: So how did you get out of it?
MIKE: Well we segwayed back to the bar, and that was my segway to end talking to her.
KIRK: Dang, man.
MIKE: How’s that for a segway?
KIRK: You know what, Mike, we gotta take a quick break, and then we come back.
MIKE: Nice.
KIRK: I want to ask you about bachelor parties, alright? Because something came up, and I just want to run it by you.

–COMMERCIAL—

Girl: My name is Nili Nathan and I founded greatlivingtv.com. My life passion has been holistic health. I became a vegetarian when I was 18 years old. I studied yoga. I read every book and magazine I could get my hands on, and what I try to do is make it really simple. Like, for example, I’ll give you a quick de-tox beverage that you can do at home. You take lemons, and you peel them, and you leave the white part because the white part has a lot of vitamins on it. Chop it up, put it in a blender, put about a glass to a glass and a half of fresh water, and then put in half a teaspoon of Celtic sea salt. It’s a very good, pure salt that has a lot of minerals in it. And then put about one or two tablespoons of flaxseed oil. You blend it up. This is a delicious smoothie that helps the liver de-tox. So there you go, there’s a quick tip. It’s greatlivingtv.com, your destination for holistic content.

–INTERLUDE–

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.
Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.
Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.
Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.
Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.
Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.
Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.
Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.
Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.
Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.
Guy #11: Somebody funny.
Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

–SEGMENT 2-

MIKE: Welcome back to A FLY IN THE WALL.
KIRK: I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: And we’re glad you stuck around for the break there. We wanted to get into this thing about bachelor parties.
MIKE: Yes we do.
KIRK: You know, I got invited to, you know Mark, right?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: So, I got invited to his bachelor party. Did you?
MIKE: No, I didn’t. Did you get invited to his wedding?
KIRK: It was a while ago. But yeah, it was like far away. I hate when people have weddings far away. We have friends that are having their wedding in Thailand, and it’s like, “I can’t get to Thailand.” You know? But anyway, so, I actually declined to go to the bachelor party even though he’s a really good friend of mine.
MIKE: Okay.
KIRK: Because I just felt like, I’m done. I don’t want to go there and like see naked chicks, you know, grinding and all that. I don’t know. It’s bizarre to me that you’re going to get married, the night that you’re going to get married, and you’re supposed to be trusting and loving with this person and monogamous. And then you’re going to like go and screw around with these topless chicks or naked chicks or whatever.
MIKE: You know what, Kirk. I 100% actually agree with you.
KIRK: You’re kidding.
MIKE: No, I swear to God. And I know you find that fascinating.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Let me ask you this first. Did you ever like bachelor parties?
KIRK: Well, I never did. I mean, I never liked nudey bars or anything like that. I just don’t really dig it that much.
MIKE: Cuz I know you and I have different points of view on a lot of things. I mean, did you, I can appreciate a bachelor party and getting crazy and having strippers and stuff like that. Did you ever appreciate that kind of thing?
KIRK: No, I never did.
MIKE: Okay. What I can’t appreciate is, like you’re saying, some guy screwing a hooker the night before he’s getting married. That I find very, very bizarre.
KIRK: Or even getting like all worked up and getting a woody and everything. You know, the night before he’s going to get married. I mean, you know?
MIKE: Well, getting a woody…
KIRK: I mean, just like full-on lust, you know? Full-on lust.
MIKE: I’ve got no problem with that.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: Because you can have full-on lust at the office. I mean, you know, that’s just a natural reaction sometimes to humans being human.
KIRK: But it’s more like you’re seeking it out. You’re like going to this party, and you’re like working it out with the stripper and everything, you know what I mean? She gives you a lap dance or something. You pay her, you know?
MIKE: It’s such a tradition in marriages that that doesn’t bother me. Crossing the line to me…like if a nude chick’s dancing on a guy, and he’s in his underwear, and everybody’s laughing and having fun. That doesn’t bother me at all.
KIRK: Right. Cuz that group thing. It’s kind of almost like watching a movie.
MIKE: Exactly. It’s like as cliché as you hear some dumb actor talking about like “Oh, it was really uncomfortable for me to fuck Michelle Pfeiffer in a movie.”
KIRK: Okay, well, that’s a good point.
MIKE: To me, it falls into that category.
KIRK: That’s a good point.
MIKE: Because I’ve actually been in that chair. I’ve been at bachelor parties where I’ve sat down, and I’ve got, you know, lap dances. And I’ve been in strip joints. And I’m with you. I’m not a big strip joint guy at all.
KIRK: No, huh?
MIKE: No, not at all.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Here’s my reasoning.
KIRK: See what I learn? I’m really surprised, man. God, I thought you were this Casanova, like, you know, no holds barred.
MIKE: Here’s my issue with strip joints. I’d rather do my own leg work and pick up chicks in bars that are hot instead of getting hit on and paying strippers to dance for me and I’m not going to get any action. And I think I read like that, because here’s something that’s kind of interesting. The last two strip joints that I’ve…Let me back up though, unless I’m going to a strip bar with a group of people that like include girlfriends or girls that are friends of mine, because I do enjoy going to strip bars with girls. Because girls that like going to strip bars, it adds a little something to their character.
KIRK: Yeah, and it’s also doing something together with them instead of…it’s not like you’re doing something secret at lunchtime where you go off to the strip joint. It’s like you’re bringing them there, you know?
MIKE: Right. Have you and Pam…Has Pamela ever been to a strip joint?
KIRK: She probably has. She’s a pretty wild one. She’s a lot wilder than I am. Sorry, Pamela. But no, she’s pretty wild. But, I don’t know. I think it would depend. Maybe sometime she would have in the past. But now that we’re kind of in sync, it’s kind of like, we don’t need to go there, you know?
MIKE: Would you ever do something like that with her?
KIRK: I can ask her. I’ll ask her and see if she wants to do it.
MIKE: Well, would you want to do it?
KIRK: I think it’d be good if we went together. But I’d never want to go there by myself. Maybe if she went, it’d be cool. I mean, it wouldn’t necessarily appeal to me right off the bat, but just being with her and being in a weird environment like that would be kind of fun.
MIKE: Right. You know, strip joints, bachelor parties, and you know, guys that have been married for like ten, fifteen years that are miserable in their marriages that get a free pass to go to the city to see some of their old single buddies.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: And they go crazy and hog wild trying to pick up some chicks. They all kind of fall under the same category to me. They’re all the same kind of guys. Actually, most of the time, they’re just guys that have settled with somebody.
KIRK: That’s a really good point. I agree 100%.
MIKE: And you know, for whatever reason, they wanted to have kids, they thought they couldn’t get anyone else, they were young, blah blah blah.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: This was the best that it was going to get, and they wanted to build a home together? I don’t know. I’ve been to a bunch of bachelor parties, and I’ve been out…being my age, you know, I’m in my 30s. I’ve seen a bunch of guys that have been married for a while now come down and visit other single guys and friends of my own that get out of the house, and it’s like “Okay, let’s see what’s out there. What can I get?” And it’s actually appalling to me.
KIRK: Wow, Mike, I’m so proud of you. I’m really, that makes me feel good about you.
MIKE: What did you feel about me before?
KIRK: Well, I don’t know. I just thought like anything went with you, you know? I mean, I don’t mean that in a bad way. I just meant that you’re just such a guy’s guy, you know? You’re like the football lover, baseball guy. You know?
MIKE: Right, but you know.
KIRK: Single.
MIKE: I do have a couple morals.
KIRK: No, I know. I didn’t mean it like that.
MIKE: No, I’m kidding, Kirk.
KIRK: I’m telling you, no, it just makes me feel good cuz I feel the same way. Cuz with bachelor parties, I think what would be really cool is to get together with your buddies and go for a parachute dive. Or do something cool that’s like a buddy bonding thing and not like a gross out, you know, sexual thing against your fiancé.
MIKE: Well, let me tell you some of the bachelor party experiences that I’ve seen. Do we have time for this?
KIRK: Yeah, yeah.
MIKE: Okay. My sister got married when she was 25. She lived at home until she got married, and my brother-in-law is…my sister and my brother-in-law are very straight laced. My brother-in-law has two brothers. Great guys, great family. But they wanted to throw him a bachelor party, and my sister was having a fit about it. And it was a big—I didn’t realize this, my mom told me this—and it was this big to-do. And you know, my sister doesn’t know what went on at the bachelor party. Nor will she ever, cuz she’ll never know about this how.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: Not much went on. But there was a stripper, but it was a very tasteful stripper, I might add. Nobody groped the stripper.
KIRK: It was just for looks. Just looking.
MIKE: It was just for looks. You know, a couple guys having beers. We had a nice time talking, hanging out. It was very tame and very fun. It was actually very fun. We ended up all hanging out in a room talking.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Another bachelor party I went to was a buddy of mine who, they got a stripper who was using double-penetrating dildos on herself.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And…
KIRK: A real classy kind?
MIKE: A real classy kind. She was super hot. But the father-in-law-to-be? My buddy’s dad and him were all there, and they all went down on this chick.
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Swear to God.
KIRK: They had to be so drunk.
MIKE: That was the first time I had seen that.
KIRK: Damn, man.
MIKE: That was the first time. First the groom goes down for a lick. And I’m like “Holy fuck,” And I’m sitting there looking at his father and his father-in-law. And then this chick is roping in the father-in-law.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Father-in-law goes down. I’m like “What the fuck.” And they’re all kind of, you know, these guys are both married for like 25, 30 years. 30, 35 years.
KIRK: Oh geez.
MIKE: And they got that little smirk on their face.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Now, you know, that to me is just so wrong. I can’t even begin to tell you.
KIRK: God. I’m glad to hear you say that. And how about this? Just stupid things I think about, but those guys, all their saliva is touching down there?
MIKE: Tell me about it.
KIRK: The whole thing just sounds…
MIKE: It’s fucking nasty.
KIRK: Sounds so nasty.
MIKE: It was just nasty. It was nasty. And then this other dude’s, you know, throwing bills on her stomach so they can go down and give her a lick.
KIRK: God, man.
MIKE: It’s just like, of all the things, man, lick me, not…you know?
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: So that one was…I mean.
KIRK: Did she have like a big bouncer there or something? I mean…
MIKE: She did have a bouncer, yeah.
KIRK: Man, cuz that could get out of hand.
MIKE: She was super hot, I mean, she was gorgeous.
KIRK: Sure.
MIKE: And you’re looking at her and you’re like, “Holy moly.”
KIRK: You could still be plenty gorgeous and have gonorrhea, man, I mean.
MIKE: In fact, I ordered a calendar from her.
KIRK: Jesus, Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah, so those are the two extremes.
KIRK: That’s a good one. What’s the third one?
MIKE: Well, the third one, I actually in my youth, I organized. One of my good buddies who I lived with, he actually worked in the Foreign Service. And he asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding. And when you’re 23, like I didn’t know my head from my ass, you know? And I gotta be the best man, you know? It’s like, I didn’t even know what to get for a wedding gift. Like a CD or, you know?
KIRK: A CD?
MIKE: I got no money. I got no concept of what’s going on.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But all he kept telling me was. And this buddy of mine had never been with an American girl. And he’s like, “All I want are two strippers, Dyke and Al. That’s all I want.” And I’m like “Dude.”
KIRK: Just to watch it?
MIKE: Yeah, just to watch it.
KIRK: Okay, alright.
MIKE: And I’m like “Dude, that’s a tall order, man.” I mean, you know, his wedding was small. He didn’t know a ton of people in town still because he’d been gone for so long. And you know, I gotta put together this thing in a bar basement.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And I gotta round up, you know, 10 guys that are all going to throw in like 50 bucks apiece for beer, and like. On our budget, I had a good buddy that happens to know like where to find strippers and hookers, and I called him to be the go-to guy. And he was like, “What’s our budget?” And I was like, “I think we have 300, 400 bucks for two chicks for like an hour.” Which is nothing.
KIRK: Oh yeah.
MIKE: And so he’s like, “Alright, I’ll handle it.” And he’s like, “But I gotta let you know, they’re not going to be top quality.” And I’m like “Dude…”
KIRK: Dude, you’re scaring me.
MIKE: I know.
KIRK: You’re scaring me.
MIKE: And all I kept telling my buddy was, I’m like, “Dude, are you sure you want two or do you want one that’s pretty hot?” And he’s like, “No, no, two, two.”
KIRK: He likes the girl on girl. That’s his whole thing.
MIKE: Yeah. He just wanted the girl on girl.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: He’s 23 and he’s done for life. So we actually, amongst my group of friends, we have a ball and chain, we have a bowling ball on a chain that we actually lock to your ankle when you get married. So you gotta drag this thing around on top of things. So that night, we go to this basement bar. And my buddy goes, “Alright, they’re here, come up with the money.” So me and him go to meet the strippers in the office, and Kirk, these two messes, I bet these women were probably 50 and 55.
KIRK: No.
MIKE: Yes, yes!
KIRK: And they had that lifestyle the whole time? Oh my God.
MIKE: Dude.
KIRK: So they’re all like drug-using and stuff.
MIKE: No, not drug-using, but definitely smokers.
KIRK: Ugh.
MIKE: They’ve had a few scotches.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And if you squinted, when it’s really dark and smoky.
KIRK: Yeah?
MIKE: They weren’t that bad, but you had to really squint.
KIRK: Oh geez.
MIKE: And I bring these two things downstairs.
KIRK: These two things.
MIKE: And they were the life of the party. Everyone loved them.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: They were fantastic. There was cellulite everywhere, and bad boob jobs from the early 90s flying, but they were a hit.
KIRK: Are you serious?
MIKE: Oh yeah, they were a hit.
KIRK: Is that just, why, cuz people were just up for it or?
MIKE: People were drunk, and you know, we were in our early 20s. There’s a different attitude, you know, when you don’t have a lot of money. In that same group of friends, the guy I was telling you about, like his old man went down on this chick? That was almost 10 years later when everybody’s got money and jobs.
KIRK: Right, right.
MIKE: And there’s a different attitude, you know. You get assholes that are ready to throw 500 dollars on some chick’s stomach so she can give him a hand job. You know, this was like, we had 400 dollars between like ten and twelve of us.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: For beer and two strippers.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: For like an hour. And I mean, it was a blast.
KIRK: That’s wild.
MIKE: And they put on a nice little dyke show. And I think they even…
KIRK: Dyke show.
MIKE: I think they even took his pants off. Kind of smacked around his pecker, but he was too drunk to remember.
KIRK: Bummer, man. That’s something you don’t want to forget.
MIKE: It was also one of those things where he was doing a lot of shots cuz the idea of, you know, even when we first went out and I picked him up and I’m like…I was driving, and I’m like, “Dude, you’re going to want to take a shot, because what you asked for, you’re probably going to get.”
KIRK: Had you seen the girls at that time?
MIKE: No, I hadn’t seen them.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But I knew they weren’t going to be. I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty. So he was just downing shots because he was so worried.
KIRK: Oh my God, that’s funny. So did the guy get married?
MIKE: He got married. It went off without a hitch.
KIRK: Are they still married?
MIKE: They’re still married.
KIRK: How’s it going?
MIKE: It’s going great. They got a couple of kids. And life’s good.
KIRK: Alright, so, they had a bachelor party. It didn’t end anything, and it wasn’t, you know, it was just entertainment, I guess, at that point.
MIKE: Yeah, that one, you know.
KIRK: Not like the other one where the father-in-law was down there. Oh my God.
MIKE: But that guy’s still married too. He’s had a couple rocky roads along the way, a couple bumps in the road, but.
KIRK: Well I guess marriage is one thing. Being married and happy is something different, you know?
MIKE: Yeah, I think you’re right.
KIRK: Geez.
MIKE: It was a bachelor party.
KIRK: Wow, that’s wild. Well, you know what? We actually have to wrap it up, Mike.
MIKE: Let’s wrap it up, I had such a good time, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, this is fun, Mike. I love when you come over here.
MIKE: I would love that. You know what? I should probably get married so that you can throw me a bachelor party.
KIRK: Uh, yeah, I’ll take you surfing. Oh no, you don’t have balance.
MIKE: Yeah, I don’t have balance.
KIRK: I’ll take you…
MIKE: Why don’t you…well, we could go surfing with a tasteful stripper?
KIRK: There you go.
MIKE: I think we’d both agree on that.
KIRK: Okay.
MIKE: Nice.
KIRK: Oh yeah. A couple of show notes. We just want to thank everyone for listening.
MIKE: Absolutely.
KIRK: We’ve been getting some great email.
MIKE: And the show’s grown, Kirk.
KIRK: It’s growing, and we’re really grateful for our transcriber whose name is Kelly.
MIKE: Thank you, Kelly.
KIRK: She, I guess she goes to Harvard. It’s kind of weird cuz I’ve never met her. We just hired her from the Internet, and she just did them and then sent it to us, and that was that. So they’re on our website if you care to read it but…
MIKE: So, Kirk, wait, real quick, so Kelly who goes to Harvard is sitting here listening to our conversation?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: And you’re having her type this out?
KIRK: Yeah. Hi Kelly.
MIKE: Hi Kelly. Sorry Kelly. Hope you’re learning something Kelly.
KIRK: She’s really sweet, you know? Like she did a great job on it and did it really fast. And she communicates it well, so that was really nice. Thanks Kelly. Keep typing.
MIKE: Thank Kelly.
KIRK: Anyway, thanks to everyone, and you can go to our website. It’s whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. And you can see the links and show notes there.
MIKE: Thanks so much. We’ll talk to you soon.
MIKE: Alright, bye!
MIKE: Bye.

KIRK: Do you fart in front of Jenny?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: Okay. When you’re married, you fart in front of them. She does it too.
MIKE: That’s hot. That’s hot.
KIRK: It is actually pretty hot.

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Episode 005 – Transcript
Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.
Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

EPISODE FIVE
June 26, 2007

–INTRO TO SHOW-

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…
Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.
Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.
Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.
Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.
Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.
Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.
Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.
Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.
Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.
Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

–MAIN SHOW-

KIRK: Hey, welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.
MIKE: And I’m Mike.
KIRK: Hey, I wanna tell you guys how you can go to our website and get more information about the show. There’s links to our emails, and you can write in if you have questions for us or comments or thoughts or whatever. We’d love to here about it, so you can go there. It’s whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. We’ve actually been getting some email too.
MIKE: Yeah, it’s very exciting.
KIRK: Yeah yeah.
MIKE: Things are taking off.
KIRK: And also, you know, we’ve been hitting the street to ask for women on the street questions, you know, for our segment called “Ask a Guy.” But anyway, if you have a question that you wanna send to us, you can also, like if you’re tech savvy, you can record like a 10 to 15 second mp3, and we’ll put it in that way. Hey so, Mike, you’re going to go to Chicago.
MIKE: I am.
KIRK: What are you going to do there?
MIKE: You know, I am just going to see my family. I’m going to see the Cubs play. I’m going to see a concert. My sister and two brothers live in the city and so, you know what, it’s going to be more of a relaxing trip, and just get out of LA for a little bit.
KIRK: Well anyway, thanks for coming over, Mike. It’s really great to see you.
MIKE: It’s always great to see you, Kirk.
KIRK: And thanks for listening in, everyone.
MIKE: Yes, more importantly, thank you all for listening. We’re all having a great time and glad you’re enjoying the show.
KIRK: But, Mike, let’s get to the show.
MIKE: Let’s do it, baby!
KIRK: Alright. Okay, so you break up with someone and you date someone new or whatever or you go on a one-night stand, I was just wondering, like sexually, how long does it take you to get in sync with them or to figure out like if they’re even compatible? Because I’ve dated girls before, Mike, where you just are like so turned off by them once you actually physically get together. Like I dated this one girl, and she was just worst kisser. Like I know guys don’t really care about kissing that much, but this girl was like so awful. It was like this super stiff orifice. It just was gross, it was like she had never kissed anyone in her life. And I know it’s not a real macho thing to talk about kissing, but like she just couldn’t kiss. And that was enough to so turn me off.
MIKE: Dude, I agree with you. And were you attracted to her otherwise?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: That’s the killer. That is the killer.
KIRK: Yeah, she just…she had a great personality. She was fun, but then you try to hook up with her physically and it was yuck.
MIKE: I know, a lotta girls wanna kiss. For some reason, they wanna kiss. If you don’t kiss them enough, you’ll eventually hear about it. I’ve heard it from several girls that I’ve dated and friends with benefits that will wanna kiss or feel like I’m not kissing as much. Guys get bored like after the first…like, I don’t wanna make out, you know? I wanna get down and dirty. I don’t wanna just, you know, hang out in my hallway and make out or go to a bar and make out.
KIRK: But that’s pretty sexy like on the first couple dates, isn’t it?
MIKE: It’s very sexy, yeah, it’s very sexy.
KIRK: Cuz you don’t know where it’s going and you…
MIKE: Yeah! It’s fucking great in the beginning.
KIRK: Don’t you love that, like?
MIKE: I love it in the beginning. I love it, love it.
KIRK: Making out in a car.
MIKE: Yeah, everywhere.
KIRK: Or like anywhere, but I mean, I’m just saying, like the idea of it’s really sexy.
MIKE: Yes, but.
KIRK: And when you see it in movies, it’s sexy.
MIKE: But yes, but it wears, it does wear off, like for guys I think, more so than with women, would you agree with me?
KIRK: Absolutely.
MIKE: Okay cool. But I’ve dated girls that, when you say like “Are you in sync?” or “How do you know you’re in sync?” I think as soon as I know I’m attracted to them and they say something funny? I’m like, alright that’s cool. But when you kiss a girl that sucks at kissing, when your first impression?
KIRK: Ugh.
MIKE: It’s brutal.
KIRK: Cuz then you know that everything else is related to that.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: It’s not just the kiss. It’s everything.
MIKE: Right, it’s bad.
KIRK: Do you find that certain things like just immediately hook you, like sexually? You’re just like, “This girl’s got it.”
MIKE: Great question, great question. And also, to add to that question, do you find anything that turns you off immediately?
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: But yeah, absolutely, things have turned me on. Usually if they’re wearing jeans that are creeping down a little low, and I see a little G-string or thong hanging out? Ka-ching.
KIRK: That works for you.
MIKE: That’s always a bonus. A shirt that shows part of their midriff, and they don’t have belly fat hanging over, that’s hot. Makeup but not too much makeup but done right. Or if they’re al naturale and they look fantastic and know they don’t need makeup, that’s fantastic as well.
KIRK: What about like physically, okay the lights are off and you don’t know what they look like. And it’s all touch. Is there anything that like freaks you out or gets you going? Like I mean, someone that you just bring home, you’ve never been with them before.
MIKE: A one-night stand then?
KIRK: Yeah, a one-night stand or it’s your first experience with them.
MIKE: Well if it’s my first experience with them, I like to keep a little low light going on or something or at least a light from outside.
KIRK: Mmhmm, you like to see it.
MIKE: Yeah, I gotta see what’s going on there.
KIRK: Yeah, I like to do it in the light. I don’t like pitch black.
MIKE: Yeah yeah, pitch black is not working for me.
KIRK: No.
MIKE: Unless, of course, now you’re back to a one-night stand and you been out at the bars way too long and you bring some animal that you’re just like “I wouldn’t introduce this to my worst enemy, let alone a family member.” But you’re just like “What the fuck? It’s 2 AM. The burrito place is already closed.”
KIRK: She’s probably seeing that about you.
MIKE: Totally. The burrito place is already closed so this is the next best thing. So you bring her into the sack, you go to town and have a good time. That’s okay, to be pitch dark. I think I’ve had some moments on my water bed in the 90s where that kind of activity took place.
KIRK: Oh my God. Cuz like, okay I’ll tell you what turns me off so big time. And I think this is probably universal, is when you take a chick home and she pretty much like lays on the bed and spreads it or whatever and says “Do me.” Like that’s the biggest turnoff for me. When they’re not active, they’re just laying there.
MIKE: And you know what, and I think I’ve actually giggled before. I know I have. Like when somebody’s laid down on the bed. I think I’ve definitely giggled, and it’s just like they’re surprised and I wanna just go “What the f…? What are you doing?” Like, take a little initiative for crying out loud.
KIRK: You say that?
MIKE: No that’s what I’m thinking. But I’ve definitely giggled, I mean, I’ve definitely…and they’ve looked at me like, “What’s going on?” and I’m just like “Ah, shit, I better turn on my…get my face going” thing. Otherwise, maybe this one is gonna maybe get up if she’s not too lazy and leave.
KIRK: Do you think you can like get past that moment?
MIKE: I mean, yeah, can you get past that moment to have sex with them? Yeah. But I mean, in the back of your mind, you’re sitting there going, “Holy shit, look at how lazy this person is.”
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Lazy lover? Ennnh.
KIRK: No way.
MIKE: Lazy lover back. Can you get past it?
KIRK: No way, I can’t. I’d be like so turned off.
MIKE: Well it’s a turn off. But maybe, well, you know. I’ve also hopped on top of women who have laid like that, and then it turned out to be a fun ride. But…
KIRK: Yeah, well I guess you can get there eventually but it’s just like the idea of it. But guess what Mike? I guarantee you 100% that women feel the same thing about us.
MIKE: Oh yeah.
KIRK: I mean, like in other words, they want us to be active and aggressive, and they want us to like take charge and take initiative. You hear that so many times in magazines or on Oprah. They’re like “I want my man to take initiative.” You know what I mean?
MIKE: Right right right.
KIRK: They want the man to initiate, and men want the women to initiate. Like who wouldn’t love it if your girlfriend or wife or whatever said, “I’m going to go get my jammies on” and she goes and changes and she comes out in this awesome lingerie, right?
MIKE: Well yeah.
KIRK: And surprises you, wouldn’t that be cool?
MIKE: It’s great.
KIRK: Yeah, so I think that both parties want the other one to take initiative.
MIKE: Yeah, no, I would agree with you 100% on that. I mean, we’re just picking on specific examples because we can. I’m sure there’s some girl out there thinking about one night where she’d rather have a burrito, and I’m laying there going, and she’s sitting there going, “Wow, I’m stuck with this guy? I wish I had enough money to take a cab home.” But you know…
KIRK: It’s so funny how someone can perceive you. Like you, Mike, they can perceive you as like this awesome guy that’s like amazing. But then to someone else, you’re like this putz. You know what I mean?
MIKE: It’s true. It’s totally true.
KIRK: It’s like, it’s just weird how the different tastes work like that?
MIKE: Right, I tend to surround myself with the ones that think I’m awesome and amazing. The putz ones I try to weed out earlier.
KIRK: Pay them a few ten dollar bills on the side. But any other things physically that it’s just like a no go for you?
MIKE: I dated this chick who had like the worst halitosis.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah, and it progressively got worse.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Yeah yeah. Now that was one that I found myself kissing less and less. And I dated her for awhile because the rest of the situation, I really dug. But it’s almost like an inside joke amongst my friends and her friends.
KIRK: Whoa.
MIKE: And nobody will tell her. Now, actually, it got me to the point where I would ask my buddies, I’d be like “Hey man, do I have bad breath?” Because I wish that somebody would tell her, and I didn’t have the balls to.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: I mean, would you tell a girl?
KIRK: I mean, yeah, you know what? Honestly, I think I would. I think I would.
MIKE: Alright, pretend I’m the girl. “Hey Kirk, I’m happy to see you.”
KIRK: I’d say, “Hey…”
MIKE: “It’s me, Lisa.”
KIRK: “It’s great to see you, and, you know, there’s something I wanted to ask you. Is there anything in your family history or anything? Cuz it seems like you have a different kind of, maybe, halitosis? I don’t know…”
MIKE: No, you wouldn’t! There’s no way in hell you’re going to get out of that one.
KIRK: Like no, first I’d start with dropping the hints, like “Hey, I just picked up some Scope at the store.”
MIKE: Like, when we’d be brushing our…I dated her for awhile. I dated her for over a year. Yeah, I mean, the Listerine was out, the Scope was out. Everything was out. And it was, I mean, it was bad. It still…you know, it’s been several years, and some of my buddies and I still talk about her.
KIRK: What was her diet like?
MIKE: Great eater, great body.
KIRK: Vegetables?
MIKE: Yeah, took care of herself.
KIRK: Wow. That’s so weird.
MIKE: I don’t know if she maybe jammed her finger down her throat a one too many times when she was a youth or something? I don’t know.
KIRK: What did it smell like? Like bad breath or vomit?
MIKE: It was just like fishy…
KIRK: OOH. Dude, that’s so gross.
MIKE: And the nickname became Death Breath. And I felt bad, you know, this was a situation where my friends didn’t bring it up until later.
KIRK: Why do you…you keep talking about your friends. What do they have to do with it? They smelled it?
MIKE: Yeah, nobody wanted to say anything.
KIRK: Just when they were like talking to her in the room?
MIKE: You know how you don’t wanna tell somebody that you’re gonna, you know, like “Hey, they broke up with their girlfriend,” and you say, “Wow, she was a douchebag,” and then they marry them?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: Yeah, it was just like, nobody wanted to say something to me. Like I knew it was going on, but I was dealing with it.
KIRK: Oh my God. I would have, okay, maybe I couldn’t say it to the girl, but I would say “Hey Mike, you know, what’s up with her?” You know? Like maybe there’s something you can do about it.
MIKE: Right. So Kirk, now I’m your friend, Mike.
KIRK: Look up an Internet article, and then like just read it and go, “Yeah, my uncle has this halitosis, and this is a good way to cure it. Look, do all these things.”
MIKE: “My aunt. I got this Internet article. My aunt was talking about getting new boobs. You wanna read this?”
KIRK: No, but maybe it would be a good way to like break the ice on it.
MIKE: That’s a tough one, that’s a tough one.
KIRK: So you broke up with her because of it?
MIKE: No, I broke up with her because she was a bitch, but that didn’t help. Like later on…
KIRK: Well I guess that was her inner soul coming out then.
MIKE: Literally, her true colors started coming out in the form of a fish breath.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: But you know what’s funny is that I got a guy buddy that’s got a wee bit of the halitosis also that’s…
KIRK: Is it me?
MIKE: I swear to God, I swear it’s not you. But he’s another one where, you know, another buddy of mine who I can’t say anything to.
KIRK: Oh geez. I think it’s diet related.
MIKE: Probably.
KIRK: If you’re an MD out there, write us and tell us about it, alright?
MIKE: But you know, that’s like one of those things.
KIRK: Hm. That’s tough. So like I guess you spent a lot of time downstairs on her.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, there was a lot of doggie style in the relationship.
KIRK: Oh my God, man. Geez. Why was she a bitch?
MIKE: She was one of those people that “Everything’s me, me, me.”
KIRK: Oh I hate those people. It’s like a monologue. It’s like, instead of a dialogue where two people talk, it’s a monologue where they just…right?
MIKE: Let me give you an example…
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Of the beginning of a breakup, since this kind of falls under the same category. I was working at some studio where you happened to work, and I just got laid off. I think you probably remember when that was.
KIRK: Yes I do.
MIKE: And we went out, and I had been dating her for like 9 or 10 months at this point.
KIRK: Oh was she the girl there? She worked there?
MIKE: No, no, no, different girl.
KIRK: Not the swimsuit model?
MIKE: No, no, no, it was a different girl.
KIRK: Okay, go ahead. Sorry.
MIKE: You had to bring her up, hm. How’s she doing? Do you ever see her?
KIRK: I saw her at a New Years party once like a year ago but…
MIKE: Tall drink of water, man. That chick was taller than me.
KIRK: Seriously.
MIKE: And I’m 6’2.
KIRK: Not the smartest one, no.
MIKE: She’s kinda…
KIRK: Is she smart?
MIKE: She’s kinda smart.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Actually, yeah.
KIRK: She had a vacant look.
MIKE: She had a vacant look, but she was smarter than she looked.
KIRK: Wow, alright. I take it back, I take it back.
MIKE: Yeah, no she was actually pretty smart. But, no, this one you actually know.
KIRK: What do you mean?
MIKE: Yeah, when we both worked at that studio and I got laid off, that day I went to lunch with her, and I just remembered, I was a little bit distraught. And I sat down with her and I go, “You’re not going to believe this, but I got laid off.” And she looks at me and the first thing she said to me was, “Really? What am I supposed to tell my friends and family?”
KIRK: No!
MIKE: I swear to God, and I sat there for a second, and I was just like “I don’t give a fuck what you tell your friends and family. What am I going to tell my friends and family?”
KIRK: Oh my God. Jesus. And it could be a great thing, like maybe you got laid off and you’re going onto something amazing. What the hell?
MIKE: Well it actually did turn out for the better eventually, but it was stuff like that was the reason that that one ended.
KIRK: Oh my God. Wow. Like you’re totally bummed out and she’s like “What about me?”
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And we had also planned a trip to go on vacation together, and she wanted to go to Hawaii. I’m like “Ehhh,” and she goes, “But I’ll settle for Cabo.” And even though I’m broke, it was just like, “We gotta go on this trip.”
KIRK: She did it to like, you know, force you into a corner.
MIKE: She did, and we went on the trip. And now I’m thinking about something else. We went on the trip to Mexico, and I don’t know if you’ve ever been to Mexico, but I got, you know, Montezuma’s Revenge. So it was a four day trip. Two days in, I’m sick as a dog. And I mean, sick from every angle.
KIRK: She didn’t get it?
MIKE: She didn’t get it, and she was upset with me because I was too sick to go hang out. And if you get this, dude, like, you are sick.
KIRK: Yeah, I’ve had it. Believe me.
MIKE: The point being is, she was upset with me that I was sick. And so, and I literally was bedridden for over a day. And as she was getting dolled up to go out on a Saturday night, and I couldn’t shower and I had worse breath than her at this point, she was upset because I had been puking for about twelve hours or thirteen hours at that point.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And I couldn’t get it together to go out on a Saturday night.
KIRK: Yeah, Mike, come on, what’s wrong with you?
MIKE: We broke up when we got back from Mexico, but it was one of those things where you’re just like “Jesus.” Even the next day, I apologized for ruining her vacation.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: Cuz I’d heard while I was sick that I was ruining her vacation.
KIRK: Oh God.
MIKE: That was the caliber of what I was dealing with.
KIRK: Well no wonder she had halitosis. It was her inside spewing out, no joke. Like what a bitch.
MIKE: Yeah, like she would have gotten Montezuma’s Revenge.
KIRK: I should go send her some hate mail.
MIKE: Yeah, do that. And some gum.
KIRK: Okay, well, halitosis is definitely on our list of things that can ruin a relationship. On that note, why don’t we go to the women on the street and see what they have to say?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Change gears here, cuz that’s kinda creeping me out.
MIKE: Let’s find out, let’s get some women in here. Let’s find out what they have to say.

–ASK A GUY–

KRISTEN: Hi, I’m Kristen, and what I wanna know is, when a guy first starts dating a woman, is it considered loose if she, on the first date or so, they go back to her house, or should she go to his house? What do you guys think about that?
MIKE: Haha. That’s an interesting one. You always wanna stay at my place.
KIRK: Is that right?
MIKE: Yeah, actually.
KIRK: How many dates is it until like you allow a girl to bring her toothbrush there?
MIKE: Oh, Kristen didn’t ask that one.
KIRK: Well that’s part of it.
MIKE: Alright, alright.
KIRK: You meet a girl. How many dates until she can actually bring a toothbrush? Because when you bring a toothbrush, then you actually, you need something else, you need some jammies. And then it starts a whole new thing.
MIKE: Yeah, I would say two, three months.
KIRK: Until she can bring her toothbrush there.
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: Yeah.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: Cuz usually what happens after like the second time they’ve been over at your place, they leave earrings or you know. Stuff just starts accumulating.
KIRK: Yeah, oh my God. You know what I would have said? If I was single, which I’m not, but if I were?
MIKE: Two years?
KIRK: Dude, no, I would have said like three or four days?
MIKE: Are you serious?
KIRK: I mean, like, by the time you start going out with them? Yeah, I would have been like…cuz you start…
MIKE: By the time they start sleeping over at your place, three or four days?
KIRK: Right. Yeah. Three or four days after they sleep at your place, the pajamas…
MIKE: To leave at your place?
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: No.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: Really?
MIKE: No, no, no, no.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: But then again, well, here’s where we’re different. I mean.
KIRK: I’m a homebody.
MIKE: Well, you also jump right in, like you said. You’re serious, monogamous, right off the bat.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: You see a girl that you want, you want her to be your girlfriend right away.
KIRK: Yeah, well, I’m not like that needy, Mike. Jesus.
MIKE: No, it’s not that needy. Did that sound needy? I’m sure the women out there love it.
KIRK: No, I have been always monogamous. Even in high school or whatever, I would date one girl a long time, and then I would break up with her, and I would date a different girl a long time. And I’ve never, this is going to sound crazy to you, but in my entire life, I’ve never had a one-night stand. I swear to God.
MIKE: No, because I know you, I believe that. But that is crazy to me.
KIRK: Like, well, this is personal, but you wanna know why?
MIKE: Uh…yeah.
KIRK: Because I can’t get it up unless I know the girl.
MIKE: Is that a fact?
KIRK: I swear to God.
MIKE: That’s a major, major revelation.
KIRK: I swear to God. Like I just, like if I don’t know her and I haven’t seen her in awhile, like a few times, I know, I’m telling ya. And it’s screwed up a lot of relationships cuz one girl thought I was gay. This girl, I had this pen pal girl for years. And we wrote back and forth. She lived in Pennsylvania. I flew out there once in a while, and it was all like, you know, puppy love, whatever. And then it started to get serious, and then she was with me, and like, I just couldn’t do it cuz it was like, you know, our first night physically together, naked. But I just like, I couldn’t go there.
MIKE: But you knew her though.
KIRK: I know, I knew her. But I didn’t like know her physically, you know? And I just, and we had just done like emotional stuff, like writing letters and stuff like that.
MIKE: So the times you went to Pennsylvania, you never hooked up with her?
KIRK: No, we just ran around. Checked out art exhibits and…
MIKE: Was there any like…sexual tension?
KIRK: Yeah, I was fine to like make out, like you know, making out and stuff, that was fine.
MIKE: Right right right.
KIRK: But when it came to being naked, it takes me awhile.
MIKE: Interesting.
KIRK: I know, like you think I’m like a crybaby.
MIKE: I don’t know if you’re a crybaby. That’s an interesting story.
KIRK: Yeah, so I never bring a girl home from a bar, because I was always terrified that things wouldn’t work right, you know what I mean?
MIKE: So when did you find this out? You must have tried…?
KIRK: I tried several times, and like I could never make it work. I guess it was just too much pressure or I felt like intimidated. So this girl from Pennsylvania, she was totally cute. Like super worthy of any guy’s, you know, attention.
MIKE: I’m sure.
KIRK: And so she was so offended when I couldn’t make things happen. She thought I was gay. Like she seriously thought I was gay. And I was like, “No I’m not gay, I promise.” And like, how can you, you can’t explain that to someone, you know?
MIKE: No, that’s true. I agree with you on that.
KIRK: She was like, “I’m a naked chick. I’m here. Like, what’s wrong?” And I’m like, “Well, it’s our first time.”
MIKE: Well, it’s like you say, Kirk. There is a lot of pressure. I mean, I know women that feel pressure, guys that feel pressure.
KIRK: Yeah, like how it’s gonna go and everything.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, guys know that women joke that like…and guys joke about lasting like two minutes.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: No guy wants to be that guy. And I’m sure there are plenty of guys out there like that.
KIRK: Yeah, so that’s trippy, huh?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean, when you explain it like that, it’s not that trippy.
KIRK: No, I’m glad to hear you say that. It makes me feel more like, I don’t know, it seems so unmanly, you know? That you can’t just bring a girl home and bang the shit out of her. I mean. To me, I was always ashamed of that.
MIKE: Well, there’s also something, you know, I’ve definitely had one night stands with women where, you know, you bang the shit out of them, and then I’d like find myself staring at myself in the mirror going, “What the fuck did you just do?” You know? Because it’s like, I don’t really know them, you know, met them in a bar, we’ve hung out all night, we’ve had a great time, we just had a great time being naked, and now you’re just crashing in my bed, and we’re gonna…
KIRK: How do you know? Just pretty much, after you do it, then it’s like “Okay, see ya”? I mean, how does that work? Or do you sleep until the morning?
MIKE: Well, sometimes, I mean sometimes, I’ve thought that, “Hey, you know, this person’s awesome,” and then like, you know, we go to sleep at 4 in the morning or whatever it is. And I wake up and they’re gone, and that was it.
KIRK: That was it?
MIKE: And that’s when you really feel like a douchebag.
KIRK: Oh my God. That would feel weird.
MIKE: That is kind of weird.
KIRK: And you don’t ever hear from them again or like no phone calls or anything?
MIKE: No.
KIRK: That’s so weird. That’s classic.
MIKE: I’ll tell you a weird story, speaking of one night stands.
KIRK: A classic one night stand.
MIKE: A few years ago, I was hanging out in Santa Monica on a Sunday night when I met this schoolteacher who was really cool and asked me to walk her home. She didn’t live that far away, and she had just broken up with her boyfriend. And I thought she was pretty cool. She invites me in, and we’re hanging out, and I’m not thinking anything. And she goes into the bathroom and she comes out of the bathroom in just a bra and panties. I’m like, holy fuck. Kick ass body.
KIRK: What is it about schoolteachers?
MIKE: I don’t know, dude, but class was in session, hello!
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: And we ended up…
KIRK: Hot for teacher!
MIKE: Hot for teacher. We ended up getting down, and she had an orgasm relatively quick and then got up, and goes, “You gotta get the fuck out of my place.”
KIRK: What the hell?
MIKE: And I’m like, huh?
KIRK: Nee nee nee nee nee nee nee nee.
MIKE: Totally.
KIRK: Jesus.
MIKE: And she’s like, “I just broke up with my boyfriend. I shouldn’t be doing this.”
KIRK: It’s the guilt thing. Once they come, it’s the guilt. That’s why they leave at four in the morning and all that. It’s like, once they…it’s just, you know?
MIKE: Good point, good point, Kirk.
KIRK: Yeah, like once the lust factor is gone, then it’s all about like guilt and shame and like “Oh my God, you know, what am I doing? I don’t know this person,” right?
MIKE: Yeah, I mean, so I’m kinda taking my time getting dressed as she like threw on a robe. And she’s like waiting for me at the door, and I’m kinda smiling to myself as I’m taking my time getting dressed. And I walk by her and I go, “So.” I pull out a piece a paper. I’m like “I guess I won’t be needing this,” and I tore up the phone number and just dropped it on the ground and left.
KIRK: Whoa.
MIKE: But it was such a, I just remember walking out, and I was kinda giggling to myself, like “Did this really just happen?”
KIRK: Oh my God, wow that’s amazing. So Kristen, we’re talking about…her question was what again? We digress.
MIKE: Kristen’s question was, do you prefer staying at your place or mine?
KIRK: Oh yeah. Well, what do you think about going to a chick’s place? I mean.
MIKE: Well if it was like this chick that I was just telling you about, I don’t wanna go there again. Well maybe I’ll do, and I’ll just leave early.
KIRK: Oh my God.
MIKE: No, I think it’s alright. It’s fun. I’m more of a homebody, personally?
KIRK: But don’t you think they think the same thing? It’s like their own territory. Everybody wants to be in their own territory. They feel more comfortable. They feel more, you know, in their own space.
MIKE: That producer girl that you were talking about earlier that you met at my birthday party, I never saw her place, and I dated her—or was buddies with her—for like five or six months, on and off, more probably, on and off over the course of a year. And she would always come to my place.
KIRK: Wow.
MIKE: She lived in the valley.
KIRK: Yeah, but that’s no excuse.
MIKE: It’s a big excuse.
KIRK: That’s where I live man, this place rocks! Well anyway, when do you move in with a girl? Like literally move in? Or do you move in?
MIKE: Well if it’s you, it’s four or five days. When it’s me…
KIRK: No, no, no. What I said was, they can bring their pajamas in four or five days.
MIKE: Well, when I moved in with Julie, we dated a year. But after about six or seven months, I said “Hey, I’m going to LA, you wanna go?” And we ended up moving in together.
KIRK: So that’s the first time.
MIKE: That’s the last time that I’ve lived with a girl.
KIRK: I think that’s smart.
MIKE: I think it’s very smart.
KIRK: One thing, here’s what I know for sure. Unless you’re married, I think it’s better to not live with the person, you know? I really do. Just date them, you know? Like when I met Pamela, we were like, love at first sight. We were all over each other, but we said we’re just not going to live together until we get married. And so that’s what we did, and it worked out great.
MIKE: Clearly.
KIRK: Okay, let’s hear another question. Ready, Mike?
MIKE: Yep.
KIRK: So Martina writes in on email, and she says, “What’s your idea of a romantic weekend getaway?”
MIKE: An ideal romantic weekend. You know what, I’m not that romantic.
KIRK: No?
MIKE: You know, no.
KIRK: Here’s the thing. Maybe you have to be in a long term relationship to have those romantic weekend getaways, you know? So like, I’m married, and it’s just like, you know, you work all the time, and then you have a weekend, and it feels great to charge your batteries and everything. And I think it’s the same in relationships. You pretty much like have your daily life and your daily grind, and you have your kids, and you’ve got the dog, and you’re running out the door and all that stuff, and I think sometimes you just need the grownups, you know, the husband and wife to just chill out and reconnect with why they’re together in the first place. It helps us a lot. We do it about, I don’t know, once every six weeks. We take a weekend.
MIKE: Wow.
KIRK: It’s just fun, you know, to get out of your normal city. And we’ll go to like, maybe 50 to 100 miles away. We’ll go down to like Orange County and hang out at the beach or go north to Ventura. Or, we’ve been to San Francisco, just local trips, you know?
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: We flew to Nashville one time. That was fun. Like Pamela likes to get somewhere and just sit in a bathtub, that’s all she wants to do.
MIKE: Right.
KIRK: And I like to just, well, if I go north, I like to go surfing while she’s sitting in the bathtub or whatever. And then we go out to a nice dinner and.
MIKE: Well, I think romantic getaways that are more, you know, I guess I like to look at them kinda like you’re saying. Like if you’re in a long term relationship, and you’re with someone constantly. It’s a chance to, it’s a getaway.
KIRK: Right.
MIKE: It’s a getaway from your everyday situation. You know, I date people but I don’t live with them. So I’m constantly getting away from them.
KIRK: That’s true.
MIKE: Or they’re constantly getting away from me. I go on trips with girls that I’m dating for the weekend. And actually, I’m going on a trip with a girl for a week to Chicago, and I don’t know if I would file that under romantic getaway though.
KIRK: Well it’s more like spending time with her because you don’t live with her. I mean, I guess you’re right. You have to live with the person in order to have a romantic getaway.
MIKE: That’s what it feels like to me.
KIRK: Yeah.
MIKE: I mean, I don’t know what a girl would say.
KIRK: Otherwise, it’s just a date, right?
MIKE: It would feel like that.
KIRK: I mean, we have fun. Like, Pamela doesn’t just stay in the bathtub the whole time. Then like, you know, when she’s not doing that, we go and do things together, like, you know, it sounds so stupid and cliché, but like walk on the beach. It sounds really stupid and cliché, I’m sorry, but.
MIKE: Nah, you know what? That’s fun though. I like doing that with girls.
KIRK: Plus, like, honest to God. The sex is better too, which is awesome.
MIKE: You got any pictures? I mean.
KIRK: Yeah, I’ll put them on the Internet.
MIKE: Oh, sweet, good. So, that was great. Next week, we’ll have another segment for “Ask a Guy.”
KIRK: You know what? The more I think about this show, the more that I think it’s unlimited, the number of subjects that we could talk about, especially for women. Like I could think about women all day.
MIKE: I could go on and on about women too. So until the next time…
KIRK: Thanks for coming, everyone!
MIKE: Yeah, thanks for listening.
KIRK: Alright, we appreciate it. Buh-bye.
MIKE: Bye.

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Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.

Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE FOUR

June 17, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

 

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–SEGMENT 1-

 

KIRK: Hey, Welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. I’m Kirk.

MIKE: And I’m Mike.     

KIRK: And we’re really glad you’re back.

MIKE: And we’re glad to be back too.

KIRK: Yeah, Mike, you were gone for awhile. You were working on a pilot or something?

MIKE: Yes, I was very Hollywood for the last couple of weeks. I’ve been doing a pilot on a home makeover show that I was directing and writing.

KIRK: Oh yeah? Nice, well why don’t you come over and redo my house?

MIKE: If you could see Kirk’s house, he clearly doesn’t need any of my help, but I actually work on the other side of the camera. We have a designer that works on all the nitty gritty stuff.

KIRK: Well listen, I had a huge day today.

MIKE: What’s going on?

KIRK: I know this is like, really, like we’re supposed to talk about chicks and everything?

MIKE: Yeah

KIRK: But this is huge for me, alright?

MIKE: This is true. I just walked in. Kirk is just sitting down.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: We haven’t even talked, and he’s about to unload on me. Go ahead. I’m nervous.

KIRK: I know. I woke up this morning, and my five-year-old kid couldn’t read, alright? I came home from work, and he can read now.

MIKE: That’s huge!

KIRK: He can read! I’m telling you, this morning there was a light bulb that went on.

MIKE: Very cool, very cool.

KIRK: So when I came home, he was reading “cat, bat, mat.” And I know it sounds silly but then he read all these words today, like he read so many words today I couldn’t believe it. He read thirty six words and this morning he couldn’t read one. It was really an epiphany.

MIKE: Well that is fantastic.

KIRK: Yeah I think it’s pretty cool.

MIKE: Congratulations.

KIRK: there’s just a, there’s a moment when you just have all the information that you need and you just take off.

MIKE: That is fantastic, Kirk. Congratulations.

KIRK: It’s a little off topic, but….

MIKE: No, no. It’s not off topic because you read, like Marie Claire and Women’s World so that you’re in touch with topics that we can talk about today.

KIRK: That’s true. I like those, I like those magazines.

MIKE: And here’s your son reading “cat” and “bat” and “mat” and “rat.”

KIRK: I read this, I was actually reading Cosmo magazine today. Like, I don’t really read it read it, but…

MIKE: It’s okay if you do.

KIRK: Tell me what you think of this. They say that a woman’s, that smart woman’s secret taboo is that they want to be a kept woman. What do you think of that?

MIKE: Wow, can you hear those crickets?

KIRK: I think the point of the article, I didn’t read the article, I just skimmed it.

MIKE: Secret taboo, okay.

KIRK: Well, okay, it’s the idea that every woman is supposed to be this, you know, go-getter, do everything.

MIKE: But what they really like to be is kept.

KIRK: Absolutely. They like to stay home and be…this sounds so sexist, but I’m just saying what the magazine was implying, alright?

MIKE: What was this magazine again?

KIRK: Cosmo.

MIKE: Wow.

KIRK: So, like, what they’re saying is like it’s their secret little wish is that they didn’t have to work and they didn’t have to do everything and be Superwoman and do all this stuff. And they could just kick back.

MIKE: So you’re not really being sexist. You didn’t write the article.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: And it’s in a girly girly magazine.

KIRK: But I know, I kind of believe it too.

MIKE: Hahaha. Alright. Well here we go, okay.

KIRK: Now hold on. I’m all for everybody getting ahead.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: And equal rights and all that.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But like I secretly do think that even guys, like I would personally love to have a sugar mama who took care of my ass and like, you know, gave me like all the dough I needed. And I could just kick back and like write my screenplays or do whatever. That would be awesome. Go surfing.

MIKE: Would that be enough for you though? I mean, would you…

KIRK: Totally. The only reason I work is because, you know, I have a family I have to support it. And also, I like my career. But my job is like a job. It’s a job because I’m working for a big movie studio. And I don’t get a lot of creativity. I don’t get a lot of, you know, I don’t get to use my creative juices. So.

MIKE: But don’t you think there are women out there that are the big ball busters that love their job? I know I said ball busters, so who’s the sexist now? But that love or want a career and would rather do that than being a kept woman?

KIRK: You know what, honestly? I mean, I think there are women that are career people, but I think that that’s kind of a cover-up for the fact that they don’t have that situation yet.

MIKE: Basically, so what you’re saying is, would you agree that you think that everybody would rather be a kept person?

KIRK: I think so.

MIKE: I think so too.

KIRK: Would you?

MIKE: Oh yeah.

KIRK: You would?

MIKE: Hell yeah!

KIRK: You’d like to have a sugar mama?

MIKE: Yeah!

KIRK: Mmk, I know…

MIKE: But I’d probably have to run with a different group of dudes that all had the sugar mamas because I’d feel like the douchebag that…

KIRK: You would?

MIKE: Well, you know cuz I think a lot of guys talk about guys that have sugar mamas.

KIRK: Uh huh.

MIKE: I know that, just in my relationship with you, you have a buddy that’s got a sugar mama and we’ve talked about it many, many different times.

KIRK: Yeah, yeah.

MIKE: And I don’t know too many kept men? But the ones that I’ve heard stories on, like, you hear those stories for some reason. It’s like looked down upon.

KIRK: Yeah, well, here’s the reason why I look down on that particular person or other people like that. I know actually three people like that. They have sugar mamas. And the reason why I look down on them is because they don’t use their time to do anything. They literally just sit there on their asses, sit there on their duff, instead of…If I had a sugar mama, I would do something really fun and creative for myself. I would, like, surf all the time. I would write. I would do creative things, try to pick up music. These guys pretty much just sit in their house and expect their wives to do everything.

MIKE: Do they have kids?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Do they watch the kids?

KIRK: They don’t.

MIKE: Interesting.

KIRK: And that’s the thing. That makes me sick. In fact, that’s why, one of my friends, I gave up on him because he has a, basically a sugar mama that he has known since high school. They were high school sweetheart. This is the same guy, by the way, that last time, or a couple of times ago actually, I was telling you that he had his wife get a boob job because she was so flat.

MIKE: Oh, that’s so…

KIRK: Yeah, I know. I guess…

MIKE: Dude, he’s the luckiest guy I know.

KIRK: Yeah, I don’t know how that worked. But basically, yeah, she has the big job, and then so they had a kid. And he just, he was staying home and he wouldn’t like help raise the kid. So finally he put him in day care at three months, and I just thought that was gross. Like, that’s gross man, the kid is just…

MIKE: Yeah, it’s the least you could do if you’re just sitting around doing nothing.

KIRK: Ugh.

MIKE: Like what does he do? Do you know what he’s doing during the day?

KIRK: He pretends like he’s a writer.

MIKE: Okay…

KIRK: But he’s never sold anything.

MIKE: Oh, so he’s like most of Hollywood.

KIRK: For years, no, but there’s one thing.

MIKE: I’m kidding, more than most.

KIRK: There’s people who get things going, and then there’s people who, like, say they’re going to get things going.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: You know? And you and I are both the kind of people that get things going, and we get things going.

MIKE: As we sit here with yet another episode of the show.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: Making it happen.

KIRK: I know that if we had sugar mamas, we wouldn’t sit on our ass.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: We’d do something cool or fun or exciting or we’d grow.

MIKE: Grow. I think that’s actually, that’s a great word to describe what we do. Grow.

KIRK: Yeah, you learn every time. You learn something new, and you bring it to the table, and you have personal growth, emotional growth, everything.

MIKE: God, I wish I could find you a sugar mama. Listen to you.

KIRK: I know.

MIKE: You got a sugar mama.

KIRK: I got a great one, I’ll tell you that.

MIKE: You got a mama. She may not be feeding you sugar, different kind of sugar.

KIRK: But yeah, she’s a catch, I’ll tell you that.

MIKE: Absolutely, I’d agree with you that.

KIRK: Like we’re so much on the same page. And even when I was a lowly assistant at the company that I work at, at the movie studio, I said I didn’t want her to work, and I just wanted her to stay home to take care of the kids and everything. And it wasn’t because I was sexist. It was because I just felt like, you know, I can work and she can do that, because I can work. I’d rather make less money and have her take care of the kids in the house and everything like that and get her own stuff going. Cuz then she can, you know, she can develop and grow, and she brings to the table too.

MIKE: Was your mom around? Did your mom have a job?

KIRK: No.

MIKE: Yeah, neither did mine. So maybe that’s where that comes from. I on the other hand, a very single guy, think that if I was married, I think I’d go with the 2 jobs. Well I gotta land a sugar mama so that I can just hang out at home with the kids.

KIRK: Yeah, but you’d like that.

MIKE: Maybe. I’m not having kids anytime soon.

KIRK: You might go crazy.

MIKE: I know, although Father’s Day is just around the corner.

KIRK: I know, that’s a big deal. For me, it’s like birthdays, I don’t really care that much about birthdays or Father’s Days. I’m not a big celebration guy.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: Are you?

MIKE: No, I wouldn’t say I’m a big celebration guy. I’d say that like, you know, when I turned 30, I had a party. 35, I had some people get together. You were there.

KIRK: Let me tell you something I noticed about women and you see if you think it’s true.

MIKE: Alright.

KIRK: I found that women in general seem to care more about their birthdays than men do.

MIKE: I don’t know about that.

KIRK: See, they start crying if you don’t send them a birthday card and they get all upset. I mean, I’m generalizing, please, you know.

MIKE: Right. Yeah, I mean.

KIRK: Like if you forget a girl’s birthday.

MIKE: Yes, yes. I mean, I don’t forget things like that for that very reason because it’s a very emotional attachment. One year, my mom’s—to go in a different direction real quick—my mom’s mom died when she was 12, and one year I’d forgotten Mother’s Day. And I didn’t even think that much about it until my old man called me scolding me about—and I was in my 20s—about, you know, how I could forget Mother’s Day. And my father never calls me about things like this. And I felt horrible about it. But my mother never makes a big issue about a lot of her birthdays. I say that she didn’t even make that big of a deal out of Mother’s Day, but now it’s one of those things I’m very aware. But if that does happen.

KIRK: But you know what I mean.

MIKE: I do.

KIRK: Like if you forget a woman’s birthday and you’re dating her or something, that’s bad news, right?

MIKE: Well, it is bad news. But if I can remember the month, I feel like I’m doing alright.

KIRK: Yeah, you gotta show up there with the flowers, you know. If you don’t, it means that you don’t care about her enough to actually care.

MIKE: Is it important to know a woman, if you’re dating her, is it important to know her middle name?

KIRK: What do you think?

MIKE: Do you know your wife’s middle name?

KIRK: Well sure.

MIKE: You know her birthday?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Just checking.

KIRK: I would never miss it.

MIKE: What do I think? Did you ever miss it once?

KIRK: Actually she’s not a big birthday person either. That’s why we’re like two peas in a pod. She’s pretty much exactly like me, but she’s a girl.

MIKE: Alright interesting.

KIRK: Like the way we see life, you know?

MIKE: Do you think that makes it boring sometimes?

KIRK: I don’t, because…

MIKE: Cuz you love dating you?

KIRK: Yeah, I love dating myself. I mean, it’s not really myself, because she brings her own stuff to it. But it’s like we’re on the same page, it’s like, we both like Bruce Springsteen, and then you go to a Bruce Springsteen concert.

MIKE: Right, but do you ever wanna know more about Bon Jovi but you’re stuck at a Bruce Springsteen concert because you both like Bruce Springsteen and neither one of you likes Bon Jovi?

KIRK: No, I don’t think so.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: I think we’re really content like that.

MIKE: Very cool.

KIRK: Yeah, you never felt that? Have you ever been in a relationship where you’re totally in sync?

MIKE: Uh, yes, I have been. And then…I think you’re in sync for awhile and then you fall out of sync if you want to let it fall out of sync. Or you just find yourself growing in a different direction, maybe? I mean, that’s really most of the relationships that have ended with me that have been any kind of length were either I thought we were in sync and we weren’t or were in sync for a bit of time and then somebody wants something different and the other’s not willing to compromise.

KIRK: Hm. Wow. Well, I think we should talk about this more. Do you mind if we talk about breakups and stuff?

MIKE: I would love that, as long as you’re not breaking up with me.

KIRK: No, no. We wanted to get into that before on another show but we didn’t have time, but I’d love to talk a little about it.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Woman: Hi, I’m Cathy Malkasian, I’m the author of Percy Gloom, which is a graphic novel. And a graphic novel is by definition, I think, a comic that’s over a hundred pages. It’s really a neat medium. The great part about doing comics is that when words fail you, you got pictures, and vice versa. They really complement each other. It’s very free. It’s been really surprising. Pretty good feedback overall. Most of it has been from really respectable sources. This is going to sound really, really presumptuous but I got so disgusted with world affairs. Because, you know, what’s going on in the world right now is so ridiculous. People are just wiggin’ out. So I had to sort of make a satire of human folly, and humor is definitely subjective. But let’s just say, it’s an adult book, but if you left it on the coffee table and your 4-year-old picked it up, there isn’t anything in there that you’d have to, you know, worry about. My website is www.percygloom.com.

 

–INTERLUDE -

 

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.

Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.

Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.

Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.

Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.

Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.

Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.

Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.

Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.

Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.

Guy #11: Somebody funny.

Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

 

–SEGMENT 2–

 

MIKE: Welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. We are going to talk about breakups. I’m mike.

KIRK: And I’m Kirk. Yeah.

MIKE: That’s right on. I’m laughing because if I don’t laugh, I’m going to cry thinking about my last breakup.

KIRK: Oh boy. You know, first of all, I wanted to ask you about the girl from Texas. Why did you break up with her?

MIKE: To go back really, the girl from Texas was a long distance relationship that.

KIRK: You were in LA and she was in Texas

MIKE: I was in LA. Yeah, just back it up really quick. I was working on a job in Texas for a few months, about four months, and I started dating her two months before I was coming back. It got a little more serious. We decided to try the LA-Texas long distance relationship which…I have never done a long distance relationship before. And I’m often the guy that makes fun of them when I hear about them. So for me to be in one was kinda interesting. You know, I think when you get a little bit older, when I say older, I mean out of my 20s and into my 30s, I kinda, I’m not set in my ways, but I kinda like having a little more time to my stuff, which I’m not sure if you married folks do as much as we single folks do. But I’d see the girl I was dating every two to three weeks. So I’d have a lot of time, you know, in between. I mean, we talked all the time.

KIRK: Was this supposed to be monogamous?

MIKE: It was.

KIRK: So you had this agreement like “Okay, we’re going to be gone these three works, so you don’t touch anyone and I don’t touch anyone.”

MIKE: Correct, which is the first time I’ve ever tried anything like that. And actually, I can honestly say that I was monogamous.

KIRK: Good for you.

MIKE: Yeah, thanks, it was a bit…

KIRK: Was it hard?

MIKE: Uh, you know what, in the beginning, it wasn’t. Towards the end, when the arguments became petty, because there’s a lot of distance between you? You know, then I go off with my buddies and I would be talking to girls and checking them out a little longer than I probably should have?

KIRK: And do you think she was faithful?

MIKE: You know, it’s funny. I did until we were breaking up.

KIRK: She dropped the bomb!

MIKE: She didn’t drop a bomb bomb. But she did, in the heat of breaking up. When you’re upset with somebody and you know you start throwing things around, she did say something to the effect of “I wasn’t perfect out here,” kind of thing.

KIRK: Oh really?

MIKE: And I kinda just let that one slide because at that point, a, I was the one initiating the breakup, even though we both knew things weren’t well. And b, when you’re the one initiating the breakup, you usually don’t care as much. So I didn’t care as much.

KIRK: Well, do you think she said that and it was true? Or was she saying it just to hurt you?

MIKE: No, I have been out with her. And I’m not saying that I’m a heartthrob kind of guy, but she dolled up. She gets a lot of attention. I’d go to the bathroom, I’d come back, she’d be surrounded by dudes a lot of times. You know how those Southern women are, so.

KIRK: So what was the final clincher, the last straw?

MIKE: Between the two of us?

KIRK: Like how did it all go down?

MIKE: I think distance kinda played into things, although we did talk about her coming out this way. But ultimately, without getting into a whole bashing thing, somehow she got my email access address, and for about a month and a half leading up to the breakup, her suspicion level…something went awry, and all of a sudden she was getting more and more suspicious of when I’d be going out, what I’d be doing and asking a lot of questions to the point where I was feeling uncomfortable. And I don’t know if this was the right way to play it, but I wouldn’t always tell her where I was going cuz I didn’t want to get.

KIRK: You wanted to have a little trust, that’s what you wanted to have.

MIKE: And trust was definitely starting to get away from things. This is, I think, before she discovered by password. But then all of a sudden, certain things didn’t make sense. Like “So are you going out with your friends tonight?” and I’d be like “Yeah.” “So are those friends ex-coworkers?” and I’d be like “Uh…maybe? I don’t know.” “Are you sure you don’t know?”

KIRK: So, what, so she was reading your email then?

MIKE: Yeah, she would, she would know something. She’d try to talk in very general terms. But I was just like “What the fuck? How did she…?”

KIRK: Was she a hacker or something?

MIKE: No, she just saw. I think she saw my email password, and it took me awhile to actually believe that she was doing it.

KIRK: Oh my God.

MIKE: But the straw that broke the camel’s back was the one where she started pointing out specifics from the email and wanted me to confess something that I didn’t do. And I wanted her to confess that she stole my password and was looking at my emails. The end result was that she never confessed, I never told her what she wanted to hear. And we broke up, this was about 8 to 9 months ago. And now we’re on friendly terms, so that I, like, you know, we send an email here and there but don’t talk about anything specific and just checking to see how each other’s doing and their families are doing, that kinda thing.

KIRK: Wow. That’s creepy. So she’s reading your email. See when you have an email, sometimes you’re just chatting to someone and you don’t have any intention in your mind or anything weird going on, but it happens to be a female or something, and it’s just like, it gets totally blown out of context when someone who’s reading it. It’s kinda like, when you have a diary, you vent in your diary. It doesn’t mean you wanna go kill the person. It just means you’re venting, you know? It means you’re just venting. So if someone reads that and it’s out of context, it’s bad news, and so I need my own space too. Even though I’m married, and she has her space. She has all her friends that she hangs out with, and she’ll go away for a weekend. She has like a gay friend and she goes and like hangs out with him for a weekend or whatever. And that’s cool with me. They do whatever they do. They just, you know, do whatever. I don’t care. That’s just her space to talk about anything or vent or anything like that. And sometimes you need that from email or from, you know, personal conversations.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: I think you always need to have a little bit of private space for yourself. Like, what if I was writing you, and I just needed to say “Mike, man, something’s going on in my life and I really wanna tell you about this and..”

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: “and, you know, it involves her.” And then, so if she read that, she’d be all wigged out or something.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But maybe I just need to like go through it without an audience of her, you know what I mean?

KIRK: I agree, no I agree with 100%.

KIRK: And by the way, Pamela, that’s not happening.

MIKE: Pamela, it’s true. It is not happening. I can contest to that.

KIRK: But you know it’s like, I think everyone needs a little corner of their own private space. And I think that’s pretty low that the Texas girl started doing that. And she gets the wrong idea, like she doesn’t know who’s writing you, what your relationship with, right?

MIKE: Right, that’s exactly what it was. And it’s like, she charged at me before I had a chance to explain.

KIRK: But did you have anything to hide? I mean, I can see how it can be construed as something bad or did you actually…?

MIKE: No, no. It was something that was construed.

KIRK: Yeah, so it’s like you’re busted and you didn’t do anything.

MIKE: Well, that was the worst part about everything.

KIRK: See, I hate that.

MIKE: And that’s the thing, when you break up with somebody, you always start thinking about, no matter what the situation is after you’re done with being pissed off or angry or whatever, you start thinking. The good shit keeps popping up. And you’re like “God, there was all this good stuff.” And sometimes you get stuck going, “Jesus, did I make a mistake?” Which I’ve done many a time. And ultimately, I know that I didn’t make a mistake, but it doesn’t take away from the moments sometimes when I’m just like “God a year ago, we were doing this.” I’m one of those guys that reflects, like, “Huh, a year ago, I was doing this. A year ago, I was doing this.” And it was just kind of a little bizarre for me, and I started thinking about all the great times we had. And four months later or whatever, and this person is looking at all my stuff.

KIRK: Yeah. Well, I go to a shrink, right, and I’m really glad I do cuz it’s just great to have someone to talk to, and it’s a woman too because I just feel more comfortable like opening up to a woman. And I feel like less judged or whatever. But anyway, you know what she told me? She told me that the thing with jealous people or suspicious people is that they are the ones who have the tendency to do that kind of thing. In other words, they are the ones who cheat. They would be the ones who are, like, doing something that’s against the relationship. So then they’re more suspicious because it’s in their character.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: So they feel like the other person is doing it too, but the other person probably isn’t. it’s just, they’re bringing themselves.

MIKE: Well that would make sense then, when she brought up the fact that she wasn’t so perfect when we were separated so.

 KIRK: Yeah exactly, so that’s why she was so suspicious because she’s like that herself.

MIKE: Good, I’m glad I dumped the bitch.

KIRK: Yeah, you know what I’m saying?

MIKE: Yeah, I’m down with that!

KIRK: She was probably a pretty hot piece of ass, right?

MIKE: Yeah, she was pretty hot. Yeah, she was, she was. And she was also, I mean, on many levels, very cool, very down to earth.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Very suspicious.

KIRK: Wow. I wanna wrap this up because we gotta move on to some other things, Mike.

MIKE: Sure.

KIRK: I just want you to give me like a one sentence thing why you broke up with, why’d you break up with, um…Julie? In one sentence.

MIKE: Julie? All the way from show number 1?

KIRK: The one who turned into a lesbian.

MIKE: Wow. I broke up with her because we were going in different directions. She did not want to be in Southern California and we ran out of having things in common.

KIRK: Okay.

MIKE: That’s a bit of a compound sentence, but it works.

KIRK: No, that’s okay. The girl from Texas, you broke up because she was suspicious.

MIKE: Correct.

KIRK: And, what about the other one? The other one that was at your birthday? She was like a producer or something?

MIKE: Oh, blonde girl.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: We were friends with benefits, so that was kind of just a hookup thing, and I think she got bored with that and she…

KIRK: Well what’s the difference between friends with benefits and like, you know…

MIKE: And like dating somebody?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Friends with benefits, uh, you never really establish that you’re dating.

KIRK: Oh, or that you’re monogamous.

MIKE: Correct, so she kinda wasn’t looking for anything more than just hooking up and hanging out sometimes. And she was awesome. She’s a great person. And what’s funny about having a friend with benefits, cuz I’ve had a few of those, is eventually you either, one person either gets bored of the other person.

KIRK: Or do they get jealous because a real boyfriend or girlfriend enters the picture?

MIKE: Or that happens.

KIRK: Yeah.     

MIKE: But in the cases with me, it just seems like it kinda petered out. And they usually end up…they either wanted to date me more seriously or they’re just bored of the situation. And then about two months after that, I get pissed because I go, “Hmm, that was such a great arrangement. Why can’t this still be happening?”

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: So and in some case, there was another girl that I dated that lived here in Santa Monica. And this was, I dated because I guess I would take her out more and we didn’t just call each other up to hook up when we felt like it randomly. But we broke it off because she started feeling like, “Oh I’m not into a commitment but now I want one.”

KIRK: Oh yeah.

MIKE: And I was like “I’m not into a commitment, but now I still am not into a commitment.” So that was over, and she moved up to San Francisco for about a year. And oddly enough, she just moved back here a couple months ago.

KIRK: And you hooked with her?

MIKE: No, because I was kinda dating somebody else, so she contacted me a few times where…

KIRK: She wants to hook up.

MIKE: Yes. But then she plays like she doesn’t, but I know what’s up.

KIRK: So was it hard for you to like say no?

MIKE: Actually, not at all.

KIRK: No?

MIKE: And, uh.

KIRK: Because she’s not attractive to you?

MIKE: No, she is. It’s just that I’m in a situation that…I like the situation I’m in.

KIRK: Good for you.  

MIKE: I think, you know, had it been a couple years before though, like I said, I think when she headed up to San Francisco a couple months after, I was just like “Hmm, maybe I should make a road trip up there.”

KIRK: Hey, when you…this is totally off the subject but you’ve been around in a lot of different states and places. Do you think that California girls really all they’re made up to be?

MIKE: Believe it or not, well, when I think you’re in Hollywood, yes.

KIRK: Yeah? Now are the girls better in Hollywood and LA or are they just primped more?

MIKE: You know, the hottest of the hottest of their own states head out to California, to LA, to make it as actresses or whatever. And I think when you get into, when you’re walking around LA or West Hollywood, I do think you see some of the most beautiful women in the world. Would you agree with me, Kirk?

KIRK: Ooh. I don’t think I would agree.

MIKE: Ooh.

KIRK: No, I really don’t. Honestly, like, I’d probably find more beautiful women in Vienna or, like Polish women I find extremely beautiful. I just find, I just think they’re so beautiful. My wife looks kinda Polish. Turns out she’s Norwegian. But, no, I think that Polish women are stunning. I don’t know what it is about them. And Italian women too.

MIKE: You know what, women in general are just like…everywhere has great women. Like the women from the Midwest are just super friendly.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Very attractive. I find a lot of them wear sweaters around their waist, covering their ass, so you don’t know what size it is.

KIRK: I mean. I know that I went to school in Santa Barbara, right? And I could not believe how healthy and beautiful the people were. I mean, they rollerblade, they bicycle, they go on the beach, they’re all tan. You know, they surf, they play in the water, they do all this stuff. Rock climbing, bicycling, everybody was so healthy, I couldn’t believe it. I mean, I was healthy too. I just wasn’t used to seeing a condensation of all these people that are so athletic. My God, and all these gorgeous bodies.

MIKE: Kirk, I always love talking women with you.

KIRK: This is great, Mike. Honest to God, like, I never knew how this would work out, but it’s so fun to see you and to catch up with you.

MIKE: I agree. We’re having a great time, and hopefully everybody else that’s listening is having a great time.

KIRK: The audience is growing, and we really thank you for tuning in to us. It’s fun. It’s fun to see the numbers go up, and we hope you’ll stay with us. And have a really great week.

MIKE: Yes, thank you so much, buh-bye.

KIRK: Buh-bye.

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Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.

Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE THREE

June 7, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

 

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–SEGMENT 1—

 

KIRK: Hi, this is Kirk, and welcome to A FLY IN THE WALL. Okay so Mike couldn’t make it today because he’s working on a pilot and he’s totally stressed out so we’re really sorry. But he’ll be back next week, and it should be a really good show. We got a couple good things planned for ya. So I wanna use this opportunity to give you our contact info. You can write us if you have questions about our show at kirk@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com or mike@whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. You can also visit our website, which is whatmenreallysayaboutwomen.com. Anyways, so I have the microphone here and I have all this stuff, and I thought, hey, I should have my wife Pamela, who’s really sweet, she should record this little poem I wrote for you. So here it is.

 

PAMELA: My first tango.

I’ll never forget.

It was in New South Wales where I was visiting down under for the first time.

My girlfriend and I were drinking this anis-flavored local concoction.

Tango music was wafting up the valley from a little barn at the edge of the village.

The music was burning, burning and making me hot, calling me to the barn, overflowing with the culture of Argentina, immigrants gathered to preserve their waves in a land of tea and crumpets.

The women in daring, strong, tight corsets, dangerous black heels that must have come from the old country.

The men, sweaty and refined at the same time.

Straw on the floor.

A couple in the throes of passion in the shadows of the band.

She was biting his neck like a savage.

I was dizzy with love—flames—I was desperate with aching.

The young man called Hector approached me, wiry but gentle, strong but shy.

I placed his hands on my full breasts and smelled the same anis drink on his breast.

We slid into dance, effortless, wicked, graceful, and filthy.

His body’s contour was mine.

We moved perfectly. His hands sliding up my dress, I slap his face, fuel to the burning fire.

Oh Hector! Hector, Hector! Oh Hector, hurt me, tango with me!

And we tangoed, in New South Wales.

Oh Hector…

 

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Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.

Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE TWO

May 27, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

 

Welcome to another episode of A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–SEGMENT 1–

 

 

MIKE: Hey, how’s it going Kirk?

KIRK: Good, Mike, I’m really glad to see you. It’s been a week and I can’t believe we’re doing another podcast.

MIKE: It’s a very exciting time for both of us as we found that there’s been 45 people that have downloaded our show so far. Yeah! Oh I thought I blew the level on that one

KIRK: It’s okay, we’re not really sound engineers yet.

MIKE: Very exciting time, Kirk, congratulations.

KIRK: Thank you, it’s fine.

MIKE: It’s an audience of us.

KIRK: Yeah, audience, whatever. If you’re listening, then…

MIKE: Thank you!

KIRK: Yeah. We need one more listener at least to get up to 46.

MIKE: Kirk, I gotta tell ya. I saw this girl with gigantic boobs. I hate to jump right into it, but I had to start it like that. But this particular pair that I saw earlier today?

KIRK: Wait, wait. This is LA. It’s gotta be…

BOTH: Fake boobs!

KIRK: Uh huh. So does that do it for you?

MIKE: I don’t know.

KIRK: I just think that they’re plastic, and they’re…

MIKE: They’re not though. They’re saline or they’re…um…maybe they are plastic.     

KIRK: I know, but it’s like an artificial thing inside your body, you know? It’s like if someone had a glass eye or something. I mean, would you rather see their glass eye or their real eye, you know? Well maybe that’s a bad example.

MIKE: Somehow I’m thinking about Sandy Duncan and…

KIRK: No, it’s just so phony though. It’s like, would you rather see a pair of, let’s say, 34B’s, real ones, or 36C’s, fake ones.

MIKE: Neither, I’m an ass guy by trade. But…

KIRK: Me too, so we agree on another thing.

MIKE: Yeah, but I guess natural boobs excite me more.

KIRK: Yeah, me too, I totally agree.

MIKE: But they’re getting so damn hard to tell the difference between natural and fake these days. I mean, there are some kick-ass boob jobs out there.

KIRK: Yeah? You know, I wouldn’t know I’ve never actually felt a pair of fake boobs, I mean.

MIKE: Is that true?

KIRK: Yeah, I mean. I’ve never actually felt a pair. I mean, every girl I’ve ever dated has always had real ones. And some of them were small, like really small. But I didn’t care, like I was just into the girl, you know? Now, it’s so funny. I’m married to this woman who has this huge rack, major set of tits.

MIKE: True.

KIRK: She’s like a double D. And they’re natural, like totally natural. And whenever she walks out anywhere, guys are just gaga over her.

MIKE: Let me just take you back for a second, you said you never had touched fake boobs, which I have. And I’ve touched a bunch of them? Going back probably about 15 years ago when I was four. But, I feel bad, first of all, for women who have real boobs, like your wife who are…huge racks, because I feel like that was their advantage. Like, fake boobs haven’t been around that long but all of a sudden it’s like boom, poof, you can get fake boobs. And all of a sudden, you’re in the game.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: You know. I mean I guess it’s nice if you’re real flat. It gives you a little boost of self confidence or something like that. But there’s girls that have 34Bs and end up with 34Ds. That, it’s just like, you don’t need to do that.

KIRK: Yeah it’s like overkill.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: Like, how about just go up a couple sizes, you know what I mean? Like when they’re huge…

MIKE: Or do you even need, you don’t even need to go up really.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: I don’t know.

KIRK: Well I have this friend, though. Well, he’s not really my friend anymore. I kind of…I’ll tell you that story later. But, you know what? He had this boob thing. He had this, like, fixation on chicks’ tits. And so he married this girl who was really flat, and he just dogged her and dogged her until finally she actually got a boob job. And you know what, I mean, I thought that was so uncool. Like he knew…

MIKE: Well, it is uncool.

KIRK: Well, he knew when he met her, you know, that she was flat. So was it his big plan all along to manipulate her to do that or…what’s up with that? And I just thought, that’s so uncool to do to a girl. To make her feel so insecure.

MIKE: He paid for them, right?

KIRK: Yeah, he paid for them.

MIKE: Okay, yeah, that’s good.

KIRK: Why, are they expensive? I mean, is it like…?

MIKE: Oh yeah, I mean, I think it’s like 3 to 5 grand.

KIRK: I have no clue.

MIKE: Somewhere in there. I think. I haven’t had it done, but I think it’s in that ballpark.

KIRK: I’m glad you haven’t, Mike.

MIKE: But I mean, that’s a lot of cash to be throwing around.

KIRK: yeah, I guess. I just, I don’t know. For me, it’s like, you feel something in there that’s plastic. Or you say you don’t feel it, right?

MIKE: Well, back about ten, twelve years ago, it felt like a hard ball in there. And it was scarred up. I mean, you take a chick’s bra off, and it’s a mess. And you’re swatting around like tennis balls and there was some skin over them.

KIRK: God, that’s so gross to me, that’s so gross that it’s like plastic in your body and…

MIKE: But it always looked great. It always looked great, like put together. It’s like, you walk by, and you know, everybody’s gonna stare at tits. It doesn’t matter who you are, you know? So it looks great. It’s just when everything came off that it’s just like “Ew!” I don’t know if I…

KIRK: So would you actually get turned off at that point? I mean…

MIKE: No, because I’ve always been adventurous and excited about

KIRK: So you wouldn’t go “Oh this feels really nasty.”

MIKE: No, I just thought that. I’m sure it would have ended whatever situation I was in if I would have. But, because I’m not a boob guy, I don’t think it makes that big of a difference to me. But I’ve definitely noticed, the girls I’ve dated recently in the last few years. The scars, a lot smaller. Boobs, a lot softer. You know, they say, I really don’t know the whole procedure because I don’t care, but they say they go under the muscle and, you know, this whole jargon that makes no difference to me. They feel nice, they look great.

KIRK: Here’s the thing. I mean, models are usually pretty flat, you know? Models you see on runways and stuff are like flat. So why is that? Like how come they don’t get the boob jobs?

MIKE: You know, that’s interesting. I don’t know

KIRK: And who are appealing to? Are they trying to appeal to women, or are they trying to appeal to men?

MIKE: Well, models are a whole another topic, to be honest with you. Most of them aren’t as hot as I should think they are. Especially runway, like where do they go with all these fucking ugly clothes that they’re trying on that nobody ever buys anywhere?

KIRK: And with that fucking sneer they have where they just sneer at everyone?

MIKE: Yeah why is it hot to look pissed off?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Girls that I’m attracted to, I usually like to see a smile.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: Not “Hi, I look like I’m pissed and I haven’t had meat in days…”

KIRK: “And I don’t have the time of day for you.”

MIKE: Yeah, I mean. Why is that hot? I don’t get that.

KIRK: I don’t know.

MIKE: Like, I don’t know anybody who would, let’s just say, look like Kate Moss.

KIRK: Right.

MIKE: Cindy Crawford, kind of an exception I think.

KIRK: Yeah?

MIKE: I think so.

KIRK: Well she has boobs.

MIKE: And she’s more full figured.

KIRK: Yeah yeah.

MIKE: She didn’t seem like that waify, pissed off. She wasn’t a waify, pissed off runway model. I just don’t understand that. And you’re right, though, none of them have boobs. Nine times out of ten, most of these fashions, I don’t see anywhere except in some clip on a runway. Or in a magazine.

KIRK: Right, yeah. It’s kind of like those things with the cars. You know, they have the concept cars, right?

MIKE: Mmhmm.

KIRK: You know, it’s like some cool, I don’t know, can go 0 to 60 in 3 seconds or something, but it’s only a concept car. And it’s never going to be in production. And so they make it, and I don’t get why they do. Same thing with the fashion models. Like, you could never look like that. If I ever met a girl that looked like that, I’d be going “God, damn, I wish she had some meat on her, I wish she had an ass or…”

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: I mean, it would just not be a turn on to see a bunch of bones like that.

MIKE: But the good thing is that she can buy fake boobs

KIRK: That’s true. So anyway, that’s our fake boob segment. I don’t know if we learned anything, but maybe someone will write into us. You know, you can write into us and tell what you think.

MIKE: I never thought I’d be sitting around your kitchen going we talked about fake boobs for a segment and I wonder if we learned anything

KIRK: Oh boy, so what do you think the percentage is? Like, most of the guys you know, are they, like, gaga over boobs?

MIKE: No, I would say they’re more gaga over ass than boobs.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: And of course personality

KIRK: Personality is key. That’s the number one thing. Actually, the face and the personality. That’s the number one thing guys go for. Don’t you?

MIKE: Ah, what’s more important, the body or the face?

KIRK: I still think the face is the most important, but we got to take a break, so we can’t solve it right now. Okay, anyway, we’ll be right back.

 

COMMERCIAL

 

Girl: My name is Nili Nathan and I founded greatlivingtv.com. My life passion has been holistic health. I became a vegetarian when I was 18 years old. I studied yoga. I read every book and magazine I could get my hands on, and what I try to do is make it really simple.  Like, for example, I’ll give you a quick de-tox beverage that you can do at home. You take lemons, and you peel them, and you leave the white part because the white part has a lot of vitamins on it. Chop it up, put it in a blender, put about a glass to a glass and a half of fresh water, and then put in half a teaspoon of Celtic sea salt. It’s a very good, pure salt that has a lot of minerals in it. And then put about one or two tablespoons of flaxseed oil. You blend it up. This is a delicious smoothie that helps the liver de-tox. So there you go, there’s a quick tip.  It’s greatlivingtv.com, your destination for holistic content.

 

–INTERLUDE–

 

Guy #1: I mean, I like boobs. But it’s like a bonus, you know what I mean? Yeah, it’s a bonus.

Guy #2: First of all, let’s check the face. And then I’m going to check the back.

Guy #3: I guess I’m a breast man.

Guy #4: Um, intelligence, definitely. I find that the sex is much more interesting if the person’s intelligent.

Guy #5: Not preppy girls, I don’t like girls that are stuck up.

Guy #6: Diamonds, like, you know, fancy cars, peoples that like to show peoples that they’ve got money. I’m against this stuff.

Guy #7: I don’t want to get, you know, I don’t want someone who’s gonna bust my chops everyday, and I hope, I hope, I don’t have the desire to do that to her either.

Guy #8: If she’s too stupid, I can’t handle her. I just cut it right away.

Guy #9: It’s nice to have somebody who’s watching your back and making sure you’re not making an ass out of yourself.

Guy #10: You know, definitely women from other countries, other cultures, coming from some sort of heritage besides, uh, Wal-Mart.

Guy #11: Somebody funny.

Guy #12: I love it when they’re weird. That’s hot!

 

–SEGMENT 2-

 

KIRK: Hi you guys. Welcome back, it’s Kirk here.

MIKE: Hi, it’s Mike also. Welcome back to A FLY ON THE WALL.

KIRK: Okay, I wanna ask you about the face versus the body, okay? Wouldn’t you rather see a nice face on a girl than have a nice ass on a girl?

MIKE: I gotta be honest with you, Kirk. That’s a tough one for me.

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: That’s a tough one for me.

KIRK: Oh my god, that’s such a no-brainer for me. Like if I saw some chick with a big ass, like let’s say she’s like thirty pounds over?

MIKE: Mmhmm?

KIRK: And she had a killer face? I’d be all over it. I’d be totally all over it because of her face.

MIKE: Instead of, like, a kick ass smoking body?

KIRK: I don’t…yeah. I gotta tell you, the face means more to me than the body.

MIKE: Interesting

KIRK: Are you surprised by that?

MIKE: No, because we like different things.

KIRK: I know, but.

MIKE: But no. I mean, I think I’d rather…

KIRK: The face. No, dude, the face. That’s where their soul is. That’s where their whole, like, history is. It’s all in their face, and like, their eyes.

MIKE: Really? Until they get a boob job and then they get their face tucked?

KIRK: You know what? It’s still their face. It’s all about like their face. That’s what the whole thing about makeup is. They want their face to look good. Cuz you know a guy is…

MIKE: So they’re covering up all their history

KIRK: They’re trying to accentuate it. They’re trying to accentuate, like, their charm in their face. That’s what they’re trying to do with makeup. So you don’t think the face is important.

MIKE: No, it’s definitely important.

KIRK: So, like, if you were going to marry a girl. Let’s say you were going to marry a girl, alright? Not that you ever would.

MIKE: I don’t wanna go down that road.    

KIRK: Not that you ever would.

MIKE: Kirk, let’s not get crazy.

KIRK: I’m saying, not that you ever would. But like, let’s say you were going to marry a girl.

MIKE: Okay?

KIRK: Aite? You can marry a girl with, like, a smoking hot body, a 10 on the body, and just a humdrum face. Okay? That’s your one choice. Or, you can marry this girl with like a so-so body but just a smoking great face. When I say smoking, I mean, like charming. Fun and exciting and like, alive.

MIKE: Here’s the problem.

KIRK: And also the personality goes with the face

MIKE: Why can’t the personality go with the body? See if you leave personality out of this.

KIRK: Okay, okay. So photographs, a photograph of a woman.

MIKE: And here’s the, well, here’s the…

KIRK: You know, well you can’t marry a photograph.

MIKE: No, you can’t.

MIKE: Well you could, but you’d be a fucking weirdo. The thing is, and I know you’re going to throw this at me, probably, but you’ll go, “Well, the body’s going to go eventually but the face will stay the same.”

KIRK: I would have never thought of that.

MIKE: Cuz I’ve heard that before.

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: Especially from girls who feel like they should be getting married, right around that early 30s mark, and nobody’s come a-courting in awhile. “The face is there, the body’s going to go, eventually.” But I think I still have to go with the body and the rougher head

KIRK: I’m not talking about a big girl. I’m talking about a normal girl who just, I’m talking about a girl that just has, like an “ennh” body. But she’s got a great face, and she loves to play. I guess, I can’t separate the face from the personality, you know?

MIKE: Well, this could be a rough topic.

KIRK: Well we’re going to go to a segment that we call “Ask a Guy” where a woman on the street asks us a question and we try to answer it.

MIKE: Well, we do answer it. We just try to…

KIRK: Well, we hope they like it.

MIKE: Exactly. [laughs]

 

–ASK A GUY-

 

DIANA: Hi, my name’s Diana and I wanna know, when a girl and a guy break up, why is it that most of the time the guy can just like shut off and move on and it’s like he’s completely over it in like five seconds when women, like, obsess and like wanna call him? Why is it that the guy seems to get over it so quickly?

MIKE: Why don’t guys obsess? I’ll tell you what, there’s a million times that I’ve sat there going, “Oh my God, what went wrong, and is it the right time of day to do a drive-by? Or should I call and hang up? But now that everybody has a caller ID and I don’t have one of those little things that pop up and say “Private line.”

KIRK: Like let’s say you’re with a girlfriend or you’re married or whatever and someone’s going to go on a trip, right? So you’re at the airport and you go away at the gate and you say goodbye to them. The girls are always crying, right? And they haven’t even left yet and they’re crying. But the guys, they don’t cry then, they don’t cry until, you know, a while later when the girl’s been gone a long time and then they’re like, “Oh my God, I was really, so good with that girl. I wish I had her back.” You know what I mean?

MIKE: I have dropped off a bunch of girls at the airport and none of them cried.

KIRK: None of them cried?

MIKE: I think I’m living a different life than you, Kirk.

KIRK: God, even if they’re going to Vegas for a three day weekend or whatever, they end up crying like “Oh oh oh, I’ll miss you so much. What if the plane crashes?” or whatever. I mean, they just cry because they think like, I don’t know, they’re going to be leaving me for a long time.

MIKE: If I’m a girl and I’m heading off to Vegas for a three day weekend and getting away from my boyfriend, I think I’m crying for joy.

KIRK: Well maybe that’s the wrong, um, that’s the wrong destination.

MIKE: How about Idaho?

KIRK: Yeah let’s say Idaho. I don’t know, I think guys are different. Like, I think guys lament after the fact, a long time after the fact. Like for example, every country song you hear. And by the way, I like country music. Mike hates it.

MIKE: That’s not true.

KIRK: Well you don’t.

MIKE: No, I do like country music now.

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: I just spent some time

KIRK: Oh yeah, that’s just because you just came back from Nashville.

MIKE: Yeah and before that I was in Dallas, so.

KIRK: So you went to some honky tonks and now you converted.

MIKE: Yes.

KIRK: Nice. But anyway, country songs, they talk about…so many times how they miss their girl, they cry for her, they can’t do anything without her, and all that. And I think it all comes after the fact whereas with women, it comes earlier. It comes like right when the breakup happens.  So Diana, I hope that answers your question.

 

TARA: This is Tara and I was wondering why guys have the weirdest sense of humor and they’re really sarcastic and half the time you don’t know if they’re joking or for real.

MIKE: Tara wants to know why guys are being sarcastic all the time? I can’t imagine the guys that Tara’s dating.

KIRK: What do you think, no, do you think guys are sarcastic?

MIKE: Guys are…yes! God yes.

KIRK: Do you think girls are?

MIKE: Yeah! The fun ones.

KIRK: So. I know that my wife certainly is. She’s like so sarcastic, and it’s kind of fun actually. I don’t know, is Tara, is she an anomaly or something?

MIKE: I think. I mean, you’re in a relationship with a woman who’s very sarcastic, like you just said. I love dating girls that are sarcastic. And I think that adds something to the relationship. There’s a little more to the person, and they’re usually pretty quick-witted. Like your wife’s certainly quick-witted, and I dig it.

KIRK: Yeah?

MIKE: Yeah.

KIRK: So don’t you think someone’s feelings are going to get hurt or their wires are going to get crossed or something? I mean, cuz sometimes, you may be joking but there may be something serious behind it.

MIKE: You know what, you’re always going to cross a line, I think, if you’re sarcastic or if you’re not. Somebody’s feelings are gonna get hurt whether you’re sarcastic or not.

KIRK: You know, I speak French. Not so much anymore because I’m in LA, but I used to speak it fluently. And it’s weird to me, I’ve discovered that the French don’t get sarcasm. Like if you say something sarcastic, they just, they don’t get it. Maybe it’s like Tara, maybe they just don’t get it.

MIKE: Yeah, I don’t understand people, or I’m sorry, let me back that up, I don’t wanna be around people that don’t understand sarcasm. .

KIRK: Well sorry, Tara, I guess you and Mike aren’t really going to be dating soon. But wait, hey Mike, what was that thing you were telling me before the break?

MIKE: I was thinking a bit about whether I would date a girl and then possibly date her sister after we had broken up. And I’ll tell you why I started thinking about this because when I was in high school, there was a situation where that almost came about a couple of times. And I figured if it was probably something that you and I should talk about, and for me, revisit the idea a little bit.

KIRK: There’s a lot of different aspects to that. The first thing that I think of is that, well, the relationship is really not part of it, because, it’s just another girl, you know.

MIKE: Now, I wish there was a woman sitting with us right now, but there’s not, so we’re going to have to use our male minds here. Do you think a woman, if she had two sisters, and you had gone out with her for a couple of years, and you guys were really close, and you break up, and you don’t see her for, you haven’t seen her for a couple years and maybe you move out of state or something, and you bump into her sister who you always had gotten along real well with, all family functions, you guys all = giggled but there was never really anything that you really thought was there, or maybe there was, I don’t know.

KIRK: Mmhmm.

MIKE: You start dating her, and she calls the sister, calls up the family, which you’ve known the family for years.

KIRK: Yeah that’s weird.

MIKE: Yeah, and says “I’m bringing Kirk back home for the holidays.”

KIRK: See, I didn’t know you meant dating for years. I thought you meant, you’re just dating for awhile and change gears and go for the sister. You’re talking about you know the family and everything.

MIKE: Well even if, even if you’re dating a couple times and you change gear and go to the sister, you don’t think that’s weird?

KIRK: Um, yeah I guess it would be actually weird. I do think it is. I thought that, when I think of sisters, I think of them living in separate lives and separate places, you know, and so it’s just kinda like another girl but I totally get your point.

MIKE: Now being kind like the swinging bachelor that I am, and I thought of myself as more of a Romeo studly bachelor in my high school youth. Not really, but kinda?

KIRK: Yeah.

MIKE: But one of those.

KIRK: Don’t you have to have the goods to back that up.

MIKE: You usually do, yes, you usually do, but when you’re in high school and you don’t tell anybody else, and you just tell yourself that, it’s fine. On two separate occasions, now that I’m thinking about it. When I was thinking about this topic earlier, I wasn’t thinking about, um, I was thinking of one particular incidence where sisters came into play but now that I’m thinking about it, there’s actually two. And what’s funny is, and it was, you know, I didn’t sleep with both of the sisters, but I did, in both cases, hook up with both of the sisters, and I don’t think any of the sisters ever knew, but there is something in the back of your mind, like “Yeah, I’m a fucking stud.” There definitely is that. Of course, I was 18, and 17, 17 and 18. But I wonder how I would feel about it now.

KIRK: Well how would you feel about it now?

MIKE: That’s why I’m wondering it right now, Kirk, as I’m sitting here.

KIRK: It’s a beautiful night. We’ve been talking about the beach, sisters.

MIKE: I think that it would be…there’d still be a part of me that’d be like “Yeah, look at me, man.”

KIRK: So it’s a sort of trophy thing for you?

MIKE: Probably.

KIRK: Yeah yeah. See, I can see the exact opposite situation, alright? This is what happened. When I was in high school, my brother, who’s a year older than me, he was dating this girl called Linda, right. And she was a nympho, she was like a freaking nympho.

MIKE: How would you know this?

KIRK: I could just, feel her out. Like She was just…

MIKE: Hello.

KIRK: No I mean she was just nuts. So, I don’t mean…

MIKE: Did you ever catch your brother getting it on with her?

KIRK: Here’s the thing, my brother was a teetotaler. He was like this, you know, religious guy. And I’m like, I’m the bad brother, so like, he wouldn’t give it to her and she was this nympho and she really wanted it.

MIKE: Are you being serious?

KIRK: I’m totally serious. So they dated kinda like puppy love or whatever. This was in high school. They dated for about, I don’t know, maybe about six to eight months. And I had my eye on this whole operation.

MIKE: Let me back up for a second, alright, how much older is your brother than you?

KIRK: He’s a year older

MIKE: A year older, okay. So was this girl his same age?

KIRK: Yeah they were in the same class.

MIKE: Did you know her before him?

KIRK: No, no I met the girl, I met Linda from my brother and then pretty soon, like, she started making moves on me.

MIKE: For real?

KIRK: Yeah for real.

MIKE: Where was the first place she made a move on you at?

KIRK: Oh boy, it was mostly like just around school and like one day at home. I mean she invited me to her house, and her mom, she still lived with her mom and everything, you know, you’re in school, and her mom was like one of those parents that’s from a divorce or whatever and they have a lot of guilt. She would just be like, “Oh, just go down there, go downstairs and close the door, I don’t wanna see what you guys are up to. So we were like okay, sure, so we went down there, and sure enough we fooled around and finally she had to come clean with my brother because we started doing it more and more. And she had to come clean. And They weren’t really dating seriously at that point, because like I said, she was all lustful, and he was just not into it, you know? So…

MIKE: So he beat the shit out of you?

KIRK: Well no, he kinda like…I could tell that he was kinda hurt. I could definitely tell that he was kinda hurt. But at the same time, and also he didn’t understand it, like he didn’t understand like my driving lust and my passion and I think he was hurt. Like I could tell he was hurt and I felt bad about that. But I didn’t really like, snake her or anything you know. She was just, you know, she wanted it. And they weren’t a match. They just, they weren’t a match together.

MIKE: Ladies and gentleman, this is the married man talking.

KIRK: Well it took me awhile to get married and I had to figure it all out first.

MIKE: Wow, okay, so they were still together though when you were doing this.

KIRK: Yeah and when I say together, I mean like, they would go out, you know, and fart around, but they weren’t that serious because my brother. He couldn’t give her what she wanted, you know?

MIKE: Yeah apparently.

KIRK: And Mr. Casanova here.

MIKE: Way to step in there.

KIRK: She was great and you know?

MIKE: Did you feel guilty immediately?

KIRK: No, I kinda just went with it, you know?

MIKE: Of course

KIRK: It’s cool, um, but she was kind of. like the pudgier side of athletic. Like she was a tennis person and everything.

MIKE: Whoa whoa whoa.

KIRK: Hold on.

MIKE: What’s the pudgier side of athletic?

KIRK: You know like, there’s okay, the athletic people who are completely toned and everything and then there’s the ones who…

MIKE: Did she play field hockey?

KIRK: She could have.

MIKE: Gotcha, okay.

KIRK: Yeah okay, you got it. But she was like that. She was really athletic. And but, she was just, she was just ready. And so it all happened. And then, I mean, I kept dating her, and my brother just, I don’t know. He just kind of didn’t understand or didn’t get it or something. I mean, I never asked him about it, but he never, he was never pissed off or anything. He kind of was just a little hurt. So that was, that’s kinda like your sister thing. But do you think she was…immoral?

MIKE: I hate to say this but I think different rules apply when you’re in high school. I mean, I think everybody was so frickin’ horny and hopped up. They were ready to dry hump anything, except for your religious brother, and you know I think there’s kind of a little, you know, I think you can kinda get away with something like that. And the reason I say that is because my brother too, who’s not religious, kinda had a thing on and off with this girl but he wasn’t dating her, but they go out a few times. And then one summer, one night, this chick frickin’ raped me in the back of my car.

KIRK: See? Oh my God.

MIKE: And when I say rape, I mean, I had a hand in it but, um, literally. But I felt horrible about it, and it actually took me awhile.

KIRK: Wow.

MIKE: But the difference was, I think I was seeing her and my brother is two years younger than me.

KIRK: And you felt like you snaked him?

MIKE: A little bit, even though he hadn’t dated her in awhile. But the interesting thing is, my brother’s two years younger so there were a lotta girls that he was friends with that I ended up hooking up with. Because when you get to high school, all of a sudden guys have cars and your brother’s still on a bike, and I’m looking a lot cooler, and I have a license and my brother’s schwent. So, as far as that goes, I’m not quite sure how Linda feels, but, you know, in my own experience with those girls, you know, Linda may have felt a lot like me, where it was just like “Yeah score, look at that, sisters.”

KIRK: Well, I got it. Well, I do have to say. In a sick kinda way, I did kinda have this feeling like, “Yeah I guess I got it going on,” instead of him, you know? In a way, I was kinda gloating, but, not really, but like I did have a little feeling of that, you know?

MIKE: Yeah, I think that’s natural. I think that is a natural thing.

KIRK: Yeah, like you conquered!

MIKE: Right. I mean, hey you know, my brother couldn’t do it but I can.

KIRK: Yeah, and I always was the bad brother, you know, so it kind of fit the whole overall picture you know

MIKE: Which really shocks me because you’re a really stand up individual, a really good family man and a very hard worker.

KIRK: Yeah I was always the bad seed.

MIKE: I kinda like hearing that.

KIRK: I’m the only guy who got arrested, you know, and the only guy that got in trouble all the time.

MIKE: Now if you could see a picture of Kirk, Kirk would not strike you as the guy who always got arrested and was the bad seed in the family.

KIRK: Yeah that’s funny…well look, we gotta wrap this up so is there anything else you wanna say about sisters?

MIKE: Uh, I would like to give it another try if I could find sisters, I’d like to hook that up at some point.

KIRK: Is that a thing with you? Like a sister thing, I mean, couldn’t it just be like a girlfriend. But I guess it’s because I guess you know the family, you know the family. Is that part of it?

MIKE: Uh no I mean I think there’s something attractive. If there’s like two attractive sisters in a family, that’s kinda cool, you know? It’s almost kinda forbidden.

KIRK: Well, I agree. I think it is too. Well, we gotta wrap this up in a bit so thanks for coming over tonight, Mike.

MIKE: Yeah it was a great time.

KIRK: I appreciate it.

MIKE: No I had a great time. I had a wonderful time.

KIRK: So everyone, thanks for listening in. We appreciate it, and we’ll talk to you next week.

MIKE: Keep downloading us

KIRK: Yeah, please please please!

MIKE: Buh-bye.

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Copyright TAHC, LLC – All Rights Reserved.

Thanks to Kelly G. for this transcript!

 

EPISODE ONE

May 16, 2007

 

–INTRO TO SHOW-

 

Welcome to A FLY ON THE WALL…

Guy #1: I love girls who are just like, you know, strong and take charge kinda ladies.

Guy #2: You know, somebody who’s uh, you know, loves you, cares about you, wants you, but doesn’t need you to, uh you know, make her feel okay about herself.

Guy #3: No drama, I don’t do drama.

Guy #4: You know, what fascinates me is Goth girls. They’re so devoted.

Guy #5: All day woman. Smart, good looking, nice body. Good cook. Good hair. Great mom, good fun to be with.

Guy #6: Definitely someone who can put up with my bullshit.

Guy #7: You know, I need a really sweet girl, but she’s got, her body’s gotta rock.

Guy #8: A very exotic look. Part Italian, a little Armenian, a little bit of French, and a little bit of that, a little bit of everything, So kinda that olive skin, beautiful eyes.

Guy #9: I like sweatpants, and uh t-shirts, and uh clogs.

Guy #10: Yeah, I’m an ass man, all day long, all day long. Hahahahaha. Ha.

 

–MAIN SHOW–

 

KIRK: Hey, welcome to A FLY ON THE WALL, what men really say about women. I’m here with Mike…

MIKE: Hello.

KIRK: And we’re going to be your hosts. It’s our inaugural, it’s our first podcast, let’s just put it that way.

MIKE: We’ve seen so many shows, heard so many radio talk shows about people’s opinions on women, and they’re all wrong. So Kirk and I decided it’s time for us to get together and give our opinions because we’re experts on the area.

KIRK: And it’s the one subject we love more than anything.

MIKE: It’s true, gives us a reason to hang out too.

KIRK: And we thought it’d be fun to talk about, you know, what excites us about women, what gets us pissed off about women, and all kinds of things like that.

MIKE: See, right there, the way you presented it, Kirk? Kirk, who’s already married (we’ll get more into that later), it was just such a nice way of putting it: what excites us about women.

KIRK: No, but I was saying it in a lustful way…what excites us…

MIKE: It just sounded so nice, the girls across America will listen to that and go, “Wow, that guy that cares.”  

KIRK: We’re gonna just get into it and hope that you guys will bear with us. We’ve never done radio, so you may notice that the recordings get better with each time as we work out the bugs.

MIKE: Yeah the truth is, we just wanna have a lot of fun, and hopefully our point of view is interesting enough that you’ll want to come back and listen to it. Let’s go ahead and talk about how we met first and where we are. And I’ll go ahead and start. I’m actually from the Midwest and I’ve been out in California for little over ten years now. Kirk was one of the first people I met when I moved out here. And go ahead, Kirk.

KIRK: And we’re in LA. It’s funny cuz we’re total opposites. And we always joke about it too. You know, Mike, I always call him the football-watching, beer-drinking, frat boy girl-magnet type of guy.

MIKE: Hey, you called me a girl magnet? Thank you, I didn’t know that!

KIRK: You’re pretty handsome and, I mean, chicks just rush up to you. I went to your birthday party down at that Irish joint on the west side, and you know, it was just amazing to see all those girls come up to you, and you already had a hot chick on your arm at the time too.

MIKE: Yeah, I like how that was “at the time.” That must have been a couple birthdays ago. Or just about every birthday. But thank you, that’s very nice of you, Kirk. Kirk and I have not seen each other in awhile. We both work in the entertainment industry, and I actually travel quite a bit for work. And Kirk is based here in Los Angeles, but about ten years ago when we first met, we were on a job together at what I like to call a third-world production company.

KIRK: I like to call it a rat hole. It’s like the rattiest rat hole, you know, but everyone wants to get your foot in the door in Hollywood, get things going. So once we met there, in fact, Mike was the very first guy I met at that company…

MIKE: We immediately hit it off and decided to do what most people do, and that is, write a screenplay together.

KIRK: Yeah, you definitely are creative, and that’s why I wanted to bring him into my screenplay because you know, I think I’m pretty good with story. And Mike is really funny. He’s funny and I guess that’s probably why chicks like you.

MIKE: Maybe this is just a reason for us to get together and kiss each other’s ass. It’s been too long.

KIRK: By the way, this podcast is going to be coming up every week. We’re going to try really hard to send one out every single week. We got a lotta exciting subjects to get to, and we got some really fun segments. One of them is called “Ask a guy,” so sometimes we hit the streets and ask women what they think they’d like to ask a guy, and we answer it here in the studio. The “studio.” But Mike is from the west side of LA. He’s single. And I’m the married voice here, and I live in the San Fernando Valley, which is, like, the suburban, you know…the West side is where the cool people live. The Valley is where the valley girl came from, like “oh my God.”

MIKE: Although she was kinda cool, in her own way.

KIRK: Yeah she was.

MIKE: But that was probably the last time the Valley was cool, I guess in 1982 when that movie came out.

KIRK: Yeah, and also that’s the first movie where really I fell in love with Nicholas Cage, and here we go with this gay thing again, but I really, he’s brilliant in that movie, like really brilliant, and so I recommend it. Valley Girl, and it’s such a great slice of time too. But anyway, back to women. So, let’s just jump right in. you know, I haven’t seen you in a long time. I mean, a really long time. Probably about over a year.

MIKE: Yeah, in fact, I’m in Kirk’s kitchen, I was just commenting that I haven’t seen his family in over a year. He’s got a young son who, last time I saw him, didn’t really speak much. And now he is in school and talks a lot. The last time I was at Kirk’s place, his kitchen was almost nonexistent because he was getting an addition on. Now it’s apparently a radio studio, and it looks great with the blue countertops. And his dog got bigger.

KIRK: Alright. Hey, Mike, since I haven’t seen you in so long, I wanted to jump right in and talk about, well, a new beginning. I wanted to talk about breakups.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: The different breakups you’ve had and some that I’ve had. What’s the deal? First of all, let’s go way, way back to when I first met you.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: You had this really, I thought she was super hot, girlfriend, okay? And I just thought, I don’t know, there was something about her.

MIKE: Well you’re going to love this, if I can cut you off. The girl I moved out here with, and I don’t even know if you know this or not, she’s now a lesbian.

KIRK: Like official lesbian?

MIKE: Like official lesbian.

KIRK: That’s so hot! That’s hot, okay.

MIKE: I swear to God. Maybe we haven’t talked about this. She’s been out for a couple of years to a bunch of people. And to backtrack a little bit, the girl Kirk’s talking about, I moved out here from the Midwest to LA with, and I had the dream of getting into the entertainment industry, and she was an accountant who did not have the same dream and we stayed together for a few years. And she is a super, super person who had enough of Los Angeles and headed back to Chicago. When we broke up, we didn’t talk for a while, and then we turned into really good friends. We didn’t talk for a couple of years, but she has a serious girlfriend. I’ve met her several times.

KIRK: Is she cute or is she butchy?

MIKE: No, no, she’s hot.

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: Yeah, she’s very hot.

KIRK: Ooh, lipstick lesbians, that’s what I’m talking about!

MIKE: Yeah, they’re a couple of cute little blonde chicks.

KIRK: So like, did you, I mean, when you were dating her and you moved all the way out from Chicago, did you have any sense about this?

MIKE: I will tell you, yeah, let me tell you, let’s back this up a little bit. When I dated her, I’m kind of a, I’d like to think I’m a little slicker than I was a few years back, but I was very naïve. But what I liked about this girl who I picked up at a bar and who I eventually moved out to California with was, she was very open about wanting to experiment with other women, and she hadn’t done it. She was from a small town in upstate New York, and I find sometimes the Midwest to be very conservative, which I’m sure a lot of people do. Especially when you live out in California for awhile. She had a different take. And then obviously later on it proved to be a way different take, as she now has a serious girlfriend, and I was going to say, she’s having a commitment ceremony next year.

KIRK: No way.

MIKE: And it’s gotten to that point, yeah, and she’s only been with this girl for about a year and a half.

KIRK: Wow.

MIKE: But I guess when you know you never wanna come back to the other side. Another thing we should maybe talk about, Kirk, is that I asked her point-blank, and it’s the one thing women and men often talk about when somebody’s dating somebody from the opposite sex, usually a woman, and then she becomes a lesbian, it’s like “Yo, hey, you turned her gay.” You know, I’m sure you’ve heard that.

KIRK: No, like you mean, the guy did it? It was so bad that she turned gay?

MIKE: Exactly. You’ve never heard that?

KIRK: No, but I mean…

MIKE: That’s a big joke, and I asked [laughs], I ended up asking her that because…

KIRK: What? Did you turn her gay?

MIKE: Yeah, I was just like seriously, you know, did I, cuz I heard this a million times, did I have anything to do with it, and she’s like “No no no,” and I was like “Eh, you sure?”

KIRK: She was just saying that to be nice.

MIKE: No, the truth is she didn’t. Listen, the truth is, I think all along, she was dancing on the line of batting for the other team, but I think she might have been afraid to cross over and do that. Because there have been two situations where I almost had a two-on-one with her…

KIRK: Yeah, cuz I would think that she would try to get girls into the bedroom with you, right?

MIKE: Well see, here’s the problem when you date a girl, and a girl that wants to experiment. I’ve been in a couple situations where there should have been a two-on-one, and it’s usually me that screws it up. And with the girl that I was dating.

KIRK: When you’re saying two-on-one, you mean two girls.

MIKE: Yeah, two girls, yeah. What I screwed up with the girl I was dating was, you know, you get so frickin’ excited. Can I say fuck?

KIRK: Yeah yeah.

MIKE: You get so fucking excited. You get, eh, so excited that it’s actually going to happen, and it’s usually when you’re in a bar and it’s after midnight, and I was dating this girl and she comes up to me and she’s like, okay, this girl, a friend of a friend was staying with her who was a piece of ass, and we were all hanging out, drinking, partying, dancing. And she comes up and she goes “It’s going down tonight.” And I’m like, “Holy shit!”

KIRK: Who said that? Was it your girlfriend?

MIKE: Yes, my girlfriend said that.

KIRK: You guys had actually talked about it? So you were ready for it, or…

MIKE: Again, I was a little younger, and I joked about it, like “Alright, hey when am I going to get in on this activity?” Cuz I knew she was curious, and I didn’t know if I’d be involved. And she’s like “Yeah, you’re not happening, you’re not going to be part of it.” So I put it out of my mind. And of course when you’re boozing and partying and it happens, you’re just like “holy shit.”

KIRK: So it actually happened?

MIKE: Okay, so when it happens and it presents itself…

KIRK: You can’t get it up.

MIKE: No, it presented itself in a bar that we were going to go home with this girl. There was going to be a two-on-one scenario. So of course I got over-zealous and I start dancing, you know, and I’m up behind this chick and I’m dry-humping her on the dance floor. I said something…

KIRK: Dry humping her, ha.

MIKE: Dude, I got moves.

KIRK: That’s so funny. So go ahead.

MIKE: So, I ended up, I’m behind her, and I’m whispering in her ear, “we’re going back and we’re hooking it up.” And it’s like the cliché needle scratch on the record. It’s like “ennnhhhh…done.” And she’s like, “what?” I’m like “Oh, nah.”

KIRK: She knew nothing about it?

MIKE: No, she had talked to my girlfriend about it, saying “Hey, let’s go back…” I think they set something up for each other, and I was the dickhead joining in, you know, well “Oh, she’s getting some, I might as well be part of this.” So, needless to say, I walk away. I don’t know how much time passed before my girlfriend came up at me, furious because I had blown it. And later when we moved to LA…

KIRK: She was like, “Damn, I really wanted that action.”

MIKE: Yeah, she was very much like that. I was like that, even if I wasn’t involved, I wanted that action for her, as long as, or you know.

KIRK: Or because, was she pissed that she was somehow embarrassed to the other girl.

MIKE: No.

KIRK: She was pissed because she wasn’t getting the action?

MIKE: Yeah, she was upset because she wasn’t getting any ass. And it’s also because, you know, in hindsight, she probably found this girl that she liked and she could envision herself being with, and here I am, in a minute of stupidity, I blow it for her. You know, she might have been working this girl all weekend because she was a friend of a friend staying at her place, and she had just, you know

KIRK: She had known her beforehand then?

MIKE: I don’t, I can’t remember if she had known her before but I know, you know, when we all went out, they totally had hit it off. They had gotten along, they were very comfortable around each other. So this conversation could have happened the day before. I just knew, whatever she had said to me, which, being a guy, I may have interpreted as “Hey, you’re going to be involved in this,” now that I think about it, I should probably call her.

KIRK: But when you were grinding up against her and everything, she was digging that part? It was just when you…

MIKE: Who, her friend? Yeah.

KIRK: It was just when you actually said “We’re going to make this happen.”

MIKE: Well, you know, it was just a group of people, dancing, hanging out, being stupid, and yeah, I probably said something to the effect of “Hey, you know, can’t wait ‘til the three of us get down when we get back,” and it was just like, it stopped.

KIRK: Oopsies!

MIKE: And you know what, to be honest with you, Kirk, you think you learn your lesson. And two years later when you’re living in LA, situation like that presents itself again and we’re not dancing. [Laughs] My girlfriend even warned me, “Do not blow this.” And somehow, I forgot what I did in that case, but I did a similar situation.

KIRK: So you never actually got the action.

MIKE: No. It was dead in the water. So what I might try to do is, at the commitment ceremony, invite myself to their honeymoon.

KIRK: Yeah, people always get so horny at weddings and funerals, of course. That’s why they always have those movies about it.

MIKE: By the way Kirk, I was just kidding. I’m not going to invite myself to their honeymoon.

KIRK: I could see you doing it though. You know what, maybe she likes it every now and then, you know? Likes a guy.

MIKE: No, she’s done with guys.

KIRK: Done with guys.

MIKE: That’s what I said too, you know?

KIRK: Don’t you miss that, like, nice…

MIKE: Here’s what’s awesome about being friends with an ex that’s turned lesbian. To also back up real quick, Kirk and I, when we were talking about doing this program, we had, you know, topics we wanted to talk about, and I did not know that this was going to be one of them. See, and you know what, this isn’t, whoever’s tuning into this, you’re probably like “Oh great.” If you saw the topic on the podcast and it said “Lesbian,” “Two guys talking about lesbians,” this is kind of a different way of talking about it, because this is…my ex is a very dear friend of mine. But what’s also great about it is, I’ve very fortunate in the fact that I happened to date a woman long enough that she turned lesbian and has given me privilege to asking her any questions along the way, which a lot of guys never get that inside scoop. So like, if we dying to know what it’s like to be with a woman, or double vibrators, I have the inside scoop on that. I don’t know if it’s important for this show.

KIRK: Oh I think it is. I think we’ve gotta cover all ground. Seriously.

MIKE: As long as I don’t use anybody’s name, I’m sure that Julie, ahem, kidding, her name’s not Julie.

KIRK: Well, I mean, I like Julie though. She’s, actually it is Julie, she’s something. I remember one time when I was over at your house, and I had this—you know what, there was something, like an Academy Awards party or something—and I had this girlfriend there that I was with, and I remember that Julie would like go up to her.

MIKE: So we’re going to call her Julie?

KIRK: Well whatever, we don’t want to give away her…

MIKE: Yeah, yeah, Julie. I wish I would’ve known that.

KIRK: We have to call her something. We don’t want to use her real name.

MIKE: I would’ve called her Julie ten minutes ago.

KIRK: Here’s the thing. I knew that there was something really interesting about her. I always knew there was something really interesting about her, but I couldn’t put her finger on it, you know. But did you ever actually think, “Wow, I wonder if she’s gay?” or did you just think she’s adventurous?

MIKE: You know what, because the thing is, she never hooked up with a woman while I was with her, and I knew she was curious as hell. I still am kind of surprised that it’s not a phase.

KIRK: Hm, I tend to think that, actually, that most people aren’t bi. You’re one orientation or another.

MIKE: Yeah, I kind of agree with you on that.

KIRK: But the weird thing is, it took so long. Like, she’s probably well into her 30s before she came out. 30s, huh?

MIKE: Yeah, not well in, but she also went through a lot of therapy and I think that kinda put her in that direction.

KIRK: Yeah, she saw her priorities, and life’s too short anyway.

MIKE: Yeah, but I do value, what I find very fortunate is that we’re still very friends, and you know, I’m invited to this ceremony, and I’ve got this kinda, she’s opened me up to this whole world of questions, if I have any questions about anything, she’ll answer them for me.

KIRK: Well good, she needs to do a podcast. I’ve got some questions for her. For example, why are they attracted to butch lesbians? If you want a guy, then why don’t you be with a guy, instead of a chick who acts like a guy and dresses like a guy? You know what I mean?

MIKE: Yeah, no. I agree with you on that. Well, I don’t think Julie could answer that one for you because her girlfriend is a lot like her. So she’s very feminine, but oddly enough.

KIRK: That’s hot dude, I’m sorry…

MIKE: It is kinda hot. It’s very hot, but what was odd about it is, Julie’s gotten a little butchier, I’ve noticed, in the way she’s dressing.

KIRK: I could see that. She was always the athletic type, you know?

MIKE: Right, but she seems like she’s butched up a little bit.

KIRK: Really.

MIKE: Yeah, yeah.

KIRK: Does that turn you off?

MIKE: It doesn’t turn me off. What turns me off is she cut all her hair off so she’s got that soccer mom “I gave up” hairstyle.

KIRK: Wow, but is it cut short? Is it…

MIKE: No.

KIRK: It’s not like a lesbian butch-do. It’s more of a soccer mom?

MIKE: No. It’s…as a single guy who, and I don’t think your wife has this, the “Hey, I’m going to give up, so I’ve cut my hair off and left it at the shoulders.”

KIRK: You know what, here’s the thing.

MIKE: I don’t think your wife has it, does she?

KIRK: Uh, yes she does actually.

MIKE: It’s a little longer, isn’t it? I saw it up tonight, so I’m not offending her.

KIRK: But it’s weird because you see it as they’re giving up, but I always saw that soccer moms were the sexiest. I mean when I was in high school and everything, all you fantasized about was 35-year-old women, and I’m like 18 at the time. I just thought they were hot, and I wouldn’t call it, what’d you say, “giving up”?

MIKE: Giving up, quitting.

KIRK: I wouldn’t call it quitting. I don’t know what that’s about. Maybe maturing. But 35-year-old soccer moms, 38-year-old soccer moms, they were so hot. I was always so attracted to them. They have sort of that maternal thing, and they also have that, you know, the sexiness about them. They’re knowledgeable, they know things, they know how to play, they don’t play games. It’s kinda like a Mrs. Robinson thing, I mean, I always dug that.

MIKE: How long was Mrs. Robinson’s hair? I just…what I’m saying is…

KIRK: Are you talking about short, short hair?

MIKE: You know what, honestly, I’m talking about anything that doesn’t go down past the shoulders. And I’ve dated girls that have that, and they brag about how much easier it is and da da da, and it’s usually a, again, screech of the record.

KIRK: The hair? It turns you off.

MIKE: Big time, big time. It’s just like, “Listen, if I want to date a guy, I’ll date a guy.”

KIRK: But you don’t think you can have a sexy girl haircut? For example, what do you think about a brunette that has a sort of bob, you know?

MIKE: Nothing’.

KIRK: Wow.

MIKE: Zero, zero. You know, I could be wrong, but it feels to me like quitting.

KIRK: Like, there’s this girl that I work with, right? And she’s so hard up for a date, she’s really hard up for a date. And she has that pixie haircut you know, that really short one that sort of stands up at the sides, you know?

MIKE: Well that’s why she’s hard up for a date.

KIRK: Well yeah, I just think why does she do that. And she’s so perfect and so controlling and everything she does is really controlling. Like everything has its own little place.

MIKE: Wait, hold on, I’m sorry to interrupt you. So she’s got a pixie hairdo and she’s very controlling.

KIRK: And anal.

MIKE: And anal. And she’s hard up for a date? Shocker.

KIRK: I mean, I know. But it’s not so much her short hair as it is her personality. I mean, if you watch models, a lot of models have short hair, and they can be smokin’ so hot.

MIKE: I bet they’re hotter with longer hair.

KIRK: Well maybe, how long should the hair be? Like, below the bra strap or above it?

MIKE: Yes, it can be a little above it.

KIRK: Do you like it cut straight across or do you like it cut, you know, like an angle? You know what I mean? No, there’s a difference, girls that cut their hair straight across…?

MIKE: Straight across the bangs?

KIRK: No, the back.

MIKE: Oh, oh, interesting.

KIRK: I think those girls are way more sexually aware. They’re way hotter.

MIKE: Angled?

KIRK: No, straight. When they cut it straight, you know, like Betty Page for example. That pin-up model from the 40s or whatever, they had that movie about her?

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But you know, like, it’s a straight cut and they’re wildly sexy, I’m not kidding.

MIKE: You know what, that’s very…honestly, in all my years of looking at hair, I’ve never thought about that. I know what you’re talking about, whether it’s straight across or curved, and I think I’d have to go with straight across, but you know what, now I’m going to have to be more aware of that. I’m going to be looking out for that more.

KIRK: Yeah. Like, when I say curved, I mean, a shape that’s kinda tapered.

MIKE: Yeah, I know what you’re talking about. It’s just not straight across.

KIRK: Yeah yeah. If it’s straight across, it means they want some a–. It sounds stupid but it means they want some action.

MIKE: If it’s straight across?

KIRK: Yeah man, it’s like they know how to work it. I’m not kidding.

MIKE: So when we got out on the street, that’s one thing I’d like…

KIRK: Yeah, check it out, check it out.

MIKE: Why did you cut off all your hair? Is it because you’ve’ quit and given up, or are you going to give us the lame excuse that it’s so much easier to control? Which to me equals quit, given up, too much on my hands.

KIRK: That’s so funny. I’ve never thought about it like that. I always thought girls were really sexy when their hair was just touching their shoulders or a little longer, but not like long hair. Like Bridget Bardot, that kinda hair bugs me. It’s so long, and it’s just, you know what, it’s dead hair follicles. It’s like dead hair follicles. It’s like your cells spew out and there’s like excess junk and that’s your hair.

MIKE: I can’t, I don’t know what Bridget Bardot’s hair looks like. Can you give somebody born in the 1900s?

KIRK: When I say…oh by the way, through this, you’ll learn that we have different tastes in a lot of things. Like I’m really into French music. And he’s really into Bon Jovi music.

MIKE: It’s very true. Speaking of cool long hair.

KIRK: It’s so funny that you think you have to have long hair. So if a chick…

MIKE: Listen, nobody has to have long hair. If you’ve got a great ass, great rack, I’m more of an ass guy to be honest with you, but that’s a separate topic.

KIRK: Hey, at least we agree on something.

MIKE: Heh, nice. And it doesn’t matter if it’s curly.

KIRK: Do you like brunettes or blondes?

MIKE: Blondes generally

KIRK: Really?

MIKE: And I didn’t think I was that way–

KIRK: I like brunettes and I like hair to be cut straight right at the bra strap.

MIKE: But you just you don’t mind if it’s short. You like short hair.

KIRK: Well no, there’s short and then there’s pixie short. That turns me off.

MIKE: Do you like the bangs that are cropped off straight off or…

KIRK: Well I’ll tell you what I don’t like, I don’t like when the hair looks really severe, like it’s a statement, you know, when they put pink in their hair or when they put black in their blonde, you know? That just looks like they’re trying too hard.

MIKE: But does it bother you if it’s a blond chick that dyes her hair dark brown or black?

KIRK: No, as long as the whole hair’s that color, you know what I mean?

MIKE: Why do you think it bothers you if there’s a streak in there? It doesn’t bother me.

KIRK: Well, I guess it makes me feel like they’re trying too hard. Like they can’t just be themselves. You know, and that whole punk thing. Like you know when you see those punk girls and everything, it just feels like they’re just trying too hard. Or like, they’re like so trying to be original that they look like a joke and a cliché.

MIKE: Right.

KIRK: But anyway, we gotta wrap this up Mike. I can’t believe we’re winding up with our first podcast here, but before we do…

MIKE: A lot of fun.

KIRK: Yeah, it’s really cool.

MIKE: Hope you all had fun too, listening to it.

KIRK: We meandered an awful lot. We intended to cover these topics which Mike will tell you right now.

MIKE: We did: lesbians and hair. What we intended to cover were long distance relationships, breakups, engagement—when and how to pop the question, fake boobs, how to pick up women.

KIRK: He’s reading.

MIKE: If you can’t tell…should women make the first move, chivalry, who pays—I’ll tell you that right now, we could cover that right now.

KIRK: No, no, no, that’s a whole show. That’s a whole show.

MIKE: Should women have careers…hello, it’s not 1950.

KIRK: Well that was kind of a joke question. I mean, there’s more to it than that.

MIKE: The answer is no. Just kidding. Um, women in the workplace, crying chicks, and how to dump someone. So yeah, we got some stuff to cover in the future.

KIRK: Yeah yeah. Before we go, we have to go the segment that we call, “Ask a guy,” and this is where we take the microphone out onto the street, and the girls ask a guy. So let’s see what they have for a question for us. So here we go.

 

—ASK A GUY-

 

MARIE: My name is Marie, and I’m French. You know, I wonder if men really care about all the time that we spend to be pretty.

KIRK: Nice question. Any ideas, Mike?

MIKE: Guys care that, yeah, women show up hot and sexy. They don’t like waiting. It’s a long process in most cases.

KIRK: Let’s say, like a girl, meets you somewhere and she’s already done up. Then, do you like that, or do you rather her just show up.

MIKE: No no no, okay, I like to see that. I like to see that a little time and care’s been put into it.

KIRK: Here’s what I think. I think that girls think that guys don’t care, and it’s probably what you said. It’s probably that guys can’t handle sitting around and waiting for them, and you’re trying to get out of the house and get going. But the end result is totally worth it, I mean, here’s the thing. When you see a girl walking down the street, you see any normal girl and that’s one thing. But when you see a girl that’s got it all together and she looks like wicked hot, it’s because she did all that stuff, man. She got her hair, she’s got the outfit, you know, she’s got the makeup just right. I mean, I think guys really do care, I think they really, really do care, and that’s why Pamela Anderson dresses like that.

MIKE: Sometimes when girls get too…spend too much time, then you’re dealing with somebody that’s looking in the rear-view mirror all the time, always looking at a mirror when you pass by one, which turns me off.

KIRK: You’re saying they’re too vain?

MIKE: Yeah, it’s like, sometimes they don’t know how to let themselves be flawless. Like I appreciate somebody putting themselves together very well, but at the same time, they also can obsess on it. I’ve definitely dated the girl—a few of them—that sit there and it becomes to a point where it’s annoying and you’re almost like “Hey, throw on some sweats.”

KIRK: Yeah, do you think that girls have to wear makeup? I mean, in order to be attractive to you?

MIKE: No, no, not at all. I think that some helmets—and when I say, helmets, I mean girls’ heads, need a serious facelift and makeover. It’s almost like…

KIRK: And they need it. They can’t go out without it.

MIKE: I mean, right, yeah, and I’ve dated girls that look fantastic with makeup and without it. I get nervous sometimes when I’m dating someone and I’m seeing their made-up head.

KIRK: Dude, that sounds so existential, man. Her made-up head?

MIKE: Cuz it is. I see their made-up head and I start getting a little nervous, wondering, you know, once I hose that thing down, what’s it going to look like underneath there?

KIRK: Oh my god.

MIKE: Is that too harsh?

KIRK: Anyway, long story short is, I think that guys really, really do appreciate when women take care of themselves and they look good.

MIKE: We do. Well let me ask you this, do you ever go to the health club?

KIRK: I don’t go to health clubs.

MIKE: Have you ever been…do you know what a health club is?

KIRK: Yeah…I’m a surfer, so.

MIKE: Okay.

KIRK: That’s my health club.

MIKE: Well, so.

KIRK: Those dolphins, they’re hot.

MIKE: Well, I’ll try to speak in your language.

KIRK: Okay, speak in my language.

MIKE: So, you go out to the ocean, and chicks are in wet suits. I mean, they’re not well put together.

KIRK: Right, right. That’s a good one. That’s a great example.

MIKE: But, but. Hot’s hot. I mean.

KIRK: Okay, alright. That’s a great example. Interesting. Okay, well we gotta get out of here, but thank you so much for joining us.

MIKE: Yes.

KIRK: And Mike, I gotta tell you, thanks for making the big trip out to the valley. This is really fun to see you. I gotta say, it’s been too long. We gotta do this more. In fact, we’re going to do it every week.

MIKE: Let’s do it every week. I’m having a good time, Kirk. It’s good to see ya.

KIRK: Thanks a lot, goodbye.

MIKE: Bye…that’s good, Kirk.

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